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Waiting,

Because of Love, I waited.

Sometimes by the time it seemed to have arrived;
I noticed;
t’was not the Love I wanted.

Sometimes by the time it seemed to have arrived;
I noticed;
t’was none left,
that I had waited enough to taste,

or rather,
what was left of it –
tasteless Love.

I’ve forgotten, the waiting game, as it is.

For the attitude
was to wait,
therefore the experience
is to wait,
and the result –
waiting, too.

Yet,
in that seeming Love that I did not think I want,
or
in most of my selfish experiences,
which were naught and tasteless
- there was Love, indeed.

Only that,
t’was not the Love that I was waiting for,
and hence could not see or taste it fully.

The Love that was present,

I was simply selfishly blind to see,
what more to acknowledge and to receive.

Still, what am I waiting for…?

For a Love that I thought was mine,
but not mine to experience.

For a Love that I thought I had,
but was found meaningless.

Ignorantly, a waste of precious moments.
Today, I wait no more.

So to turn the experience of waiting to wait no more,
and to begin a filling in of Love that I would not expect but find,
but not one that I had hoped but would appreciate.

It may not return as what I thought I wanted,
and for that some circumstances may occur.

Yet, who am I to judge?

I am only a passerby of given moments,
attempting to experience the impossible thought possible.

And the possibility… oh, let’s just wait and see…

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Lovers,
whether you like it or not, your actions contribute as conditionings to the surrounding of your Beloved. Like how the heat of the sun or the chills of the winter will affect the temperature of your body, thus your mood, your mental state – your action and inaction does the same to your Beloved.

You are definitely, already ignorant to have contributed to the hurt of your Beloved.

To deny it and to ‘lovingly remind’ your Beloved to take responsibility for the shit that comes up within her, is simply another level of ignorance.

It is likened to a situation where she has a wound in a knee and you have accidentally slapped it and caused it to bleed; and when she expresses pain in her wound, you pour acid onto the wound with your words. You may not have caused the wound, but you have definitely contributed to the worsening of it.

To acknowledge your ignorance that has contributed to the hurt, is the first step of wisdom.
To admit and participate in the healing process of the hurt of which you had contributed, is kindness.
To participate and yet neither overextending nor interfering with the necessity of the Beloved’s responsibility to own up to her processes, is respect.

It is likened to a situation where she has a wound in a knee and you have accidentally slapped the knee and caused it to bleed; and when she expresses pain in her wound, you apologize for your ignorance of not being aware of the wound and assist to bring her appropriate medication to address the wound. You may not have to clean and dress the wound for it is her responsibility to care for the wound, but you have assisted and supported the process by at least bringing medication to her. You may not have caused the wound, and you have definitely contributed to the worsening of it, but with your loving and kind participation, the wound is sure to heal beautifully.

Lovers,
if you want to be acknowledged for the happiness and goodness you bring to your Lover’s experiences, you must equally begin to accept the responsibility of contributing brutality, cruelty and unkindness to your Beloved’s experiences in your unconscious moments.
I assure you, that all hurt contributed by you as a Lover, is led by ignorance.
From here, you can choose to be more ignorant by denying your contribution; or you can choose to be kind and respectful instead, and participate in the healing process in togetherness.
Note that I said, to participate; I did not say, to take over or take the whole responsibility.
The wound is within her, and therefore hers to address, but if you could support her simply by being present to her, simply loving her anyway, I assure you, you will see the rebirth of something beautiful before your eyes, and by then you can also own up to announce, you have contributed to the beauty of the Beloved.

Lovers,
do not be afraid of the hurt of your Beloved.

Beloveds,
for your own sake, you must, must take responsibility of your wound.
However, for the sake of togetherness, do be open to the participation of your Lover when he is willing.

Whether it is a present hurt, or a past abrasion, or a future fear – they all have their places and play where conditions permit.

Either way, the Beloved will be reinstated to her state of wellness.

The point to consider here is –
is your Beloved doing all these alone when she was promised of your assurance of support, companionship and togetherness when you both decided to journey together in the first place?
Or, can she be cushioned slightly so that she could go through her process knowing that she is not alone after all?

Is this not what Relationships are for – a loving companionship to support each other lovingly within and without, wherever possible?

Charity always, always start at home. If you cannot even extend your availability and presence to your Beloved of whom you claim to love so much, who are you kidding to help the world?

But then again, that really depends on what kind of experience you wish to have in your relationship with your Beloved. One that is nurturing and intimate -enhancing both the wellbeing of those involved and thus the relationship, or one that is so emotionally independent of each other that it actually makes no difference being in a relationship or not.

Either way, it is a choice. But if you have chosen to be in a relationship or to remain in one, for goodness sake, at least participate fully in it.

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Love Unconditionally

Love Unconditionally is YOU.
In fact, there is no subject, or object.
There is where the err has been.

Of course, there is an “I” and there is a “You”.
Otherwise, where there joy in expression?

The ‘Love’ that we all think we know towards a subject or an object is always arising from conditions. Still, these conditions do not deter or define the Love Unconditionally, which is YOU.

Loving unconditionally do not exist.
But Love Unconditionally do, because It is YOU, and YOU exist,
and to express YOU, is to love when conditions moves you to.

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Choicelessness

Is there truly a choice,
or is there truly only choicelessness?

If there is only choicelessness that exists,
then could it be that we are simply bombarded by illusionary choices that we seem to be apparently making?

When founded a choice, make a wise one.
When founded only choicelessness,
simply put; let’s just enjoy the ride…

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The Wrong World

The world can want anything from you. In fact, the world can ask a million things of you.

Yet, it is within your integrity to give, or not; to say yes or no.

It is not about being right, or wrong; selfish or selfless; loving or unloving.

It is about being honest, with myself, first.

Until we take responsibility for each and every decision we make, each and every action we take, each and every word we say; consciously or unconsciously; war and weariness will continue to exist in our very mind.

We are never tired with life, or of life. We are tired of the inauthenticity within us, we are tired of the way we treat ourselves, we are tired of having to put up a mask every day of our lives in hope to get what we think we want that can make us happy, and worst, having to convince ourselves every moment of our lives -  we are that masks. We creatively give ourselves 1,001 excuses why that mask is entirely necessary in order to be one with the world.

No wonder we are depressed and lack of life. Because we put up with the wrong world. We forgot that the world that truly matters, is the one comes from within us, internally.

Surely, if your plan is working, you ought to be blissfully skipping and singing with joy. And since you are not, why not choose again?

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Touching Base to Expand

When two people initially get together, it was based on a set of conditions. Nobody will try to intoxicate the relationship on purpose if not for something that had altered in the conditions of the relationship, albeit not really knowing either, exactly what it is that has changed. If they knew, the intoxication would not happen; because awareness of such could have perhaps invited a better attempt in being ready for the change, or a better way of handling or managing the situation.

Of course, we don’t know everything. But the least we can do is when we know, we can support each other and the relationship by keeping each other informed – touching base so to speak.

Why is it important? If relationships are not important at all, then why bother starting or cultivating one in the first place? Because we know, besides the relationship with ourselves, the relationships we have with others is part of the bigger and extended happiness and joy that we yearn and thrive for. We just get distracted sometimes. I am beginning to see that it’s more than just a dependency. It is simply a part of Beingness, part of Self.

And ‘relationship’ is just a word we use.

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The Honour Within

A man’s integrity is clearly shown in his actions, and the result of it.

It can be no other way, no matter how you defend it.

~ GG

A Note to Kakak

The last we heard your voice, was on the anniversary of your birth date, which was only 2 weeks ago. You sounded so weak. And for the first time, she cried. You know how she is… always a toughie… but she cried, because she heard you over the phone, and she was really, really worried. There was nothing we could do, except to calm ourselves to acknowledge the situation and wishfully send out prayers to you-know-who. We wished for your wellness, peace and happiness, in whichever ways it may come to you.

As I reread our previous few text messages exchanged, I noticed that my tears fell like raindrops recalling a message where you mentioned you really missed us. Did you know, we missed you very, very much too? We think about you a lot and also talk about you sometimes. Now, I will never get the chance to experience you teaching me how to cook ABC soup the way she likes it. No matter how hard I try, she said that the one you cook is still the best. Just a few days ago, I was feeling tired. Really feeling tired for holding up and managing everything at home without you. You were such a great part of this family.

The other day, I told her about you wanting to come back to us after the Raya celebrations. She was very, very excited! But I relayed the reality to her that you are still unwell to come back and that even if you come back, we would still have to bring you to the doctors for checkups. She said that it is not a problem because I can fetch you. I smiled at her innocence. And I reminded her that caring for you will also mean that additional money will be spent on your care. Without a thought, she said, “its ok mommi, you can take some of my money”. I asked her why she would do that. Without hesitation, she simply assured, “Mommi, that is what families do.”

Do you see, you are part of her family. You are part of our family. You are our family.

It’s very, very strange. We knew that this is a good thing for you… because you are now free from the body, free from the experience of sufferings, free from the storylines and finally remembering who you truly are. And yet, the heart aches so, so badly. Have I ever told you how grateful I am to you? For all that you have done for us? For all that you are to us? Have I ever told you how much we love you? I am sure I did, knowing me. But, did you believe me and receive me fully? I know you. You will believe me. You are surely worthy, no matter what you think you are.

I have never experienced this storyline before. But it doesn’t feel any different from a broken heart. Except that this time, the heart is not broken, but whole – swelling with so much love for you, for the type of relationship and bond that we had shared during our 8 years together. That appreciation could not contain within itself; it just had to express itself through what seems like an endless flow of tears. Trust me, I will look ugly tomorrow. But I know you won’t mind, and I can see you smiling back at me, saying, “nevermind la, ma’am”. And that image, which just appeared in my mind, would wet my eyes even more…

I am honoured to have met you, and lived with you for some 8 years. I am proud to have introduced and referred you as my guardian angel whenever there is an opportunity. I am privileged to taste the extent of your love, kindness and friendship. So had been the little one so blessed, to have been cared by you since she was barely 2 years old. And your ever willingness to support the family whenever they requested. You are just like that – an unconditional loving guardian angel. Did you know that?

It’s been a long day without you, my friend. And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.

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Elevated Anatomy

Memory can only help me remember
how it all started
from the beginning
until right now to what it is.

Yet I can never be certain
what it was
that prompted the beginning
until right now to what it is.

To vindicate
to dissect
all those moments that come to be
as if unworthy of them, unconditionally.

Was it wishful thinking at cause
a conscious choice of choosing
a certain kind of resonance
or perhaps some sort of serendipity?

I am honest to admit
I cannot tell at all;
and if I had spoken before
anything that I did or could come up with
would simply be excuses
to justify them all.

I wish I could ignore
this incessant thirst to know why;
how the meeting began
the hallucinating of how it might end
not only that
the reasoning of reasons,
of how it could or should sustain
or perhaps not…

What is to become of me
at the final end;
would it be a pleasing climax
or yet another daunting finale?

How will I know
what is beyond my jurisdiction
this mysterious yet familiar power
that could overwhelm me like this…

All because
all because
the ground seems to be
losing grip of me.

All because
all because
the unknown begetting an unchartered territory
yet to be explored…

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Tell Me, Already

You bellow me with sweet words
afraid of my downfalling
into the myriad of emotions
that had me drown in before.

Building my make belief
that protection is what you are giving me
it did look like tender love, you know
in that strong and warm façade.

Yet, has that all changed now?
my trust in you – all these years
believing that we had grown
and possibly moulded into one?

Or had it actually been just a mirage
that only I alone possess?
oh how awful, this passing nightmare
this tormenting confusion!

What do I do now? Where do I go?
oh beloved, would you know how much this means to me!
triggered by unexpected knowledge
uncontrollable outburst and scattered pieces
evident of my illusive control – Loss!

Is it really me that has caused your misery
or is it you who could no longer bear the lie?
can I trust you once more, my darlin’?
only this time, to finally tell me the truth?

Decisively free me from my illusions, please
that you too, had ignorantly put in place
show me where else darkness had been, albeit unknowingly
so that the mist can finally disappear.

So that, I, can finally awake.

*inspired by the witnessing of integrity at work*

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