We think we can hide our pain, our shame, our guilt by hiding behind a strong facade, a victim facade, or a happy facade; the truth is even if we are able to deceive others, we could never lie to ourselves. And we think that as long as no one knows, we are ‘safe’. That is silly.
Even if, we are able to psyche ourselves into forgetting what is there for us to face, someday when the container gets too full, the contents will spill over and we would be put in the exact same position again – to fully face our pain, our shame, our guilt.
We were always taught to ‘forget’ about what happened or, don’t ‘think’ about it. Can we truly? I see only the possibility of ‘transcending’ what happened through the right effort, right understanding, right view. In my own journey, I find that the result after investigating the ideas behind a trigger liberates me. It does sound like a lot of work. Despite the occasional prompts of ‘don’t ask’, I never seem satisfied with just that. My teacher reminds me to inquire; which I find brings about freedom upon the result of understanding – but warned me to be mindful of my intentions – for if I was ‘asking’ to fix a problem out there, then don’t ask because I will never get an answer; but if I was ‘asking’ for the right understanding, then the ‘right answer’ will reveal itself.
It’s freedom I am talking about here. Another of my teacher tells me, ‘don’t look forward to liberation, be liberated.’
How paradoxical. To seek for liberation, is to acknowledge that I am not liberated right now; and yet, to acknowledge that I am liberated, what else would there be for me to understand? Perhaps they all come in many forms, which means the same thing. I don’t know. Well, sometimes I get frustrated because I do not know, for that would mean that I will need to work at knowing; but at times I love that I do not know, for nothing here means anything, so there is in truth nothing to know.. and that also I know, so it is not really that I don’t know.. Get it? Now I am kidding myself in a merry-go-round!
I am thankful for a recent experience which had triggered me and an article that BB had written Shedding Away the Old Skin. The co-relation between the experience and the article had made me realised that I truly have no where to hide. The truth is, I could put on a perfect show and con the world but it does not ease the soreness that I feel in the heart – so for that I could never be free or liberated for that matter; until the right understanding arises. And yes, baby steps of right understanding has arrived, through right efforts.