She’s been told a few stories. And then she creates evidence to support the stories, not conscious that this is what she has chosen to experience. And then she realise, she’s in a dilemma, a tough position. No one can get her out of it, except herself.
As what her teacher continously tell her, we create our toy, and then get scared by it ~ she got scared by her own toy, her very own playground which she had created.
And now she wants to run away. She wants to get rid of the toy, and even the playground, tear down all the play equipments and even sack the caretaker! She thinks that by doing that, perhaps she could still retain her diginity; or so she thinks.
Yet, strangely there’s apart of her that knows – that could not be the way. Who would she be running away from, except herself?
Still, she thinks maybe she could do this, or maybe she could do that.. or perhaps, she could just forget about any previous information related to the incident that had come to her. Could she really? She would really just be burying deeper what had been surfaced, an ancient pain. An illusionary ancient pain.
She knows what she wants, and yet finds it difficult because of the guilt, the shame and fear. “It’s not real.” she tells herself when she is conscious; but totally bought into the drama when she forgets who she really is.
When she listens, the flow of wisdom sets in momentumtarily and there is peace; but when she forgets, she beats herself up for the guilt, the shame and the fear. She forgets that when she is oblivious to what is running in her mind, she behaves that way. She wants to cry, she wants to scream.
She is in great pain, only because she is delusional. To protect herself, she seemingly attacks and then blames herself again. Poor, poor her… running around her own prison, seeking for the way out.
Somehow though, her constant nourishing of the habit to reflect within has inspired her to be alone, to be still. For that is when, she knows that the listening is possible, the flow of wisdom is possible, the release is then, finally possible. She trusts her cultivation would pay off for that is what which is keeping her sane in her seeming insanity. It would always be worth it, because that would lead her to truly see the truth – that everything is just a misunderstanding – everything, even her own self, is just a dream.
(reply contributed by luvu)
Hmm her recent entries seems to flow to a new unchartered territory, away from the norm of the “world”. Away from the din of life. What drives her take that path? Was it a choice or was it a deep calling surfacing from within? And someone just asked me tis question in a evening cuppa – do we have a choice?
The yearning is deep, the movement is swift as she flows with the silence that brings her to see the world as superfluous, while the world sees her as a threat, or even redundant.
The world does not understand her but she understood the world as that is where she got out from. One day the alone path she takes is where her Wish is – the fruit of whatever that none can savor except herself. I am joyful for her…