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Self Sabotage

Most times, we want some things, or yearn for certain experiences but run around in circles not getting to them.  We unconsciously prevent ourselves from fully experiencing what could possibly turn out to be one of the best encounters in our lives and revolve later that regret into self-remorse.

I remember during my early college days, I was very much infatuated with this guy who never knew how my heart went thumpety-thump whenever he was near. Although when it was finally revealed that he too had affections towards me and vice versa, we never proceeded further beyond any normal friendship because I was the cool cat – never granting him any special attention despite the heart’s desire to stand beside him, sit with him, hold his hand, talk to him and etc. Soon, he felt that I was not really interested and after a while, switched his attention elsewhere. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Similar to this good friend I have who has experienced countless courtships. She was constantly suspicious of her man even though her man had no previous history of cheating. That suspicious or non-trust she felt towards her man or rather men in her case, had caused her many times a heart break. She could never understand why these men left her, one after another. It took her a while to at last realize that she was actually self-sabotaging her relationships. It was as if she was not trusting that she could actually experience heightened joyous relationships with her partner and was constantly set to prove herself right by creating friction between herself and her partner. So it was like a protective mechanism that she had set for herself thus already sending the relationship to an automatic destructive mode. Very much like already expecting to fail a subject in university before even the term commences.

In business dealings or projects too we tend to do that despite being sure of our success rate. We somehow come up with something unconsciously to ensure that the deal does not go through, or is never smooth flowing – fear of insufficient funds, fear of lack of support, fear of not enough turn-ups, fear of rejection and etc. It is as if, we are not worthy of such success, such joyful experiences.

Are we not worthy to enjoy the fullest of experiences? Why do we run round and round in circles, always swimming in cycles in fear of being rejected, hurt, ridiculed or even embarrassed?

It has been shared with us that what our hearts’ desire is always attainable, but our mindless behavior thus action always seem to screw things up along the way for us. This is because we have not fully understood the ideas which are running at the background thus projecting the foreground of experiences. I was just telling my Darling today, that in spirits we connect and it seems alright not to meet; yet when we are face to face with each other (I was not referring to her by the way), we tend to unconsciously initiate some shield around us that disallow us to connect physically with another. The most interesting part is that after we leave a reunion, we realize that that was not the experience we had aspired with someone, and wished we could somehow turn back time to re-do everything – and since we can never turn back time, we automatically venture into the self-remorse mode – beating ourselves up for not appreciating the moment with that someone.

When we finally remember to put bodies aside, we go back into peace understanding and experiencing the connection in spirit – but is that a form of deceiving self or a form of resigning to the fact that we could never face each other eye-to-eye – and I do mean the eye-to-eye part here quite literally.  

Like it or not, we are always putting up a show when the curtains are up and when there are perceived audiences. The truth is no one may be watching, but we illusionize ourselves being watched by others and with the accompanying fears arising, we switch on our defensive shield. Exactly who are we defending or shielding ourselves from, except ourselves?

Appreciating the moment is to be in the Now. To be in the Now, is to remember to be present. To be in the present, is to be mindful of what arises. But to go back to the source of ideas, is to begin self-inquiry. As my sot-sot like-minded friend declaims, who would I be without my story? Who would you (and the world) be without my story about you (and the world)?

It’s just another story you see… just another story…

One Response to “Self Sabotage”

  1. htl says:

    In each Now, there are two programs running within us. One is our heart’s desire, the other perception of the past. The former a desire, the latter an attachment. One is freeing, at least for the moment of desiring one’s need, the other a bondage – of ideas from the past.

    Observe that there is nothing wrong with desiring. My expectation to what I desire is the problem. And each expectation is connected to the perception of the past. See the irony? We are brought back to the past though we thought it is about our desiring.

    Most of the time, we listen to the perception of the past more than our desire simply because there are evidences backing up our experiences. We thought we learnt from the past, but in truth, we merely make a judgmental conclusion out the past rather than learning from it. The conclusion nailed us to a belief. And that belief becomes our limitation.

    Our continuous human spiritual endeavor is to realize that ignorance is deceiving us – that it is because of not learning, we have to keep repeating. We are being pulled back by judgment rather than learning. We seldom learn, we judge alot. We are being fool to think we learnt, but in fact we did not.

    When we learnt, we have a right perception. When we judge, we have a wrong perception. One is wisdom, the other ignorant. Thus, right in the Now, our heart’s desire is deeply connected to whether we have right perception, or else it will follow the pathway of wrong perception.

    Btw right perception is seldom about storyline, but rather the mechanics about what happened in the mindworks, whereas wrong perception has much to do with the storyline of what happened. So when a new opportunity arise, wisdom understood what gone wrong from the past and venture into a new territory of making it right now, whereas ignorant just stop venturing further and repeat the past.

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