Looking at my partner’s drive to soar in his career, I have great appreciation and admiration for him. Although there are times, I wished that he was present to me, but when I become fully present to him instead, I find him a very interest subject to converse with, and also, I’d find myself there too – the one side of me so immersed in my function to perform, to work that no one or nothing else mattered, except my job. For that, I am grateful that he has shown me that part of me which I did not realize then but now recognize and accept with love.
If I have come to recognize and accept that part of me, there is no way I would not understand my partner as he served to be my mirror. Whatever thoughts, judgments or perceptions that may arise such as “he doesn’t love me”, “he should look at me”, “he has worked so vigorously for the past few days, why can’t he spend time with me?” all poof into thin air as I recall those moments where I was exactly there, now mirrored in his shoes. If I choose to condemn him, then I would have condemned myself for behaving that way; but if I am choose to love and appreciate him, then what I give out, i.e. the love and appreciation that I have for him, is what I have given onto myself in return.
His recent work trip had allowed me to work with my feelings of insecurity. What I thought had been a long gone idea, was visiting me like an old friend as if I had not yet learned enough. As I stepped back to watch the insecurity that arose, I saw that the mind was finding many ways to justify why insecurity should not surface – and that itself, was a judgment to insecurity – allowing me to come a step closer to realize that I had viewed insecurity as bad.
Since I already knew for a fact that the feelings of insecurity was my own to claim, and here I mean to say that it has nothing to do with my partner, I decided to learn from what has arisen, rather than condemning it or trying to sweep it under the carpet. It was within a matter of hours where I realized my feelings of insecurity, which was born from the fear of being betrayed was reflected back to my own ideas of being away from the family. To be authentically honest, I have a fear of betraying my own family. As I imagined myself being the one away from the family for a long period of time, I could see myself living my own life, leaving my family out of the equation – i.e., not needing any one of them (but it doesn’t mean that they are forgotten or any less loved, mind you!). You know how the world works at times – out of sight, out of mind. That was exactly the idea that was reflected back to me. No wonder I was afraid that my partner will betray me! Because I was the one who would betray myself if I had left my family! Although it was my partner who was the one who went on a work trip, my mind went on one too! What a humorous joke!
When we are unwilling or rather unable (at some point in time) to look within us, this is what happens. Our own ideas of fear that we detest projects itself onto other people, more so on the people that we love. For all we know, they are not doing what they seem to be doing. It is our perception that discolors each word that we hear, each action that we see. My perceptions cannot be trusted, because they do not represent the truth, especially at times when there is another to be blamed for my suffering.
The truth is, there is no other and there are only mirrors.
There is, only me. Phew… what a relief!