Last night, was a period of darkness for me after a light hearted meal with loved ones. There was much going on in the mind that it did not stop. I allowed it to run, to see how far it’d go. And soon, I was blessed with ancient feelings of betrayal and abandonment; totally imaginary, yet so so real.
When my partner did not answer to my calls after a text message from him informing that he will be hanging out with his boys; clubbing; the mind went really wild, no further cushioned by the accompanying feelings that were already present. The old ideas, imagination of being cheated on, betrayed and abandonment came so swiftly and intensely that it was not a switch of thought that could have done the trick. And soon when he finally returned my call, confirming that he was going out with his boys, consciously omitting any names of the opposite sex, he asked me how was I. I told him that I was not feeling emotionally well and after some sort of hesitation (in my perception), he explained that he would make his way home.
I did not want that. I wanted him to do what he wanted to do, to honor himself, even if it meant he would be in company of the opposite sex who could potentially whisk him away from me; but more than that, I did not want to be rescued. Rescued not in the sense that I wanted to remain in the space of being a victim, a “poor me” role; but purely as an opportunity to transcend that exact space of being cheated on, being betrayed and being abandonment. So I blessed his wish to honor himself and blessed myself for loving him.
As I sat at the car porch, looking out at the gate, there was a part of me that wished he would indeed, betray me by all the old ideas of what I thought betrayal and abandonment would be. And it is not because I wanted to leave him, or to get out of the relationship so per se as we do have a very beautiful daughter conceived out of love; but more, truthfully to see the illusion of all these ideas which had construed me to my sufferings and pain lifetimes after lifetimes. Indeed, it was like a point of insanity that I was in, calling what seems to be the prime of all nightmares in all womanhood, 100% willing to face them in full frontier.
Quietly I said a prayer, for strength and courage, which I already knew was in existence within my integrity and willingness. I asked that I am able to transcend these feelings, or more true, ideas that play out themselves over and over again in the world so that I can be free; free from bondage, free from the unreal.
And today, I feel as if I am in a daze, or rather lost. And yet again as I observed carefully, is it really me or the mind that is in the midst of disorientation? For I had taken a different course now, complementary of my previous efforts of taking responsibility, of my thirst for freedom; and if I was to live a happy dream, then let my happy dream be an example of truth, by my living the truth; by my dissolving the nightmares that never existed, amidst my awakening.
And what are behind the ideas of being cheated on, betrayed and abandonment but yet another idea of loneliness and unworthiness?
Aspire not at grasping what love is, for that is beyond what can be taught or understood. Aspire instead at eliminating the hindrance to the awareness of love’s presence, which is our very innate nature.