We all like the feeling of falling in love and being in love. Actually, I really do wonder why although I have to say I am one of them. The feeling is just so overwhelming to the extent that it becomes an addiction of ceaseless wanting and desire, as if one moment is not enough… there must be more, and yet when given an inch, a foot is what we ask for. And we actually think it is fun, when the end of result of such yearn is indeed suffering.
Love is present at all times though it is usually experienced when there are two. What I mean to say by two, it can be between one human with a material of say a house, a car, a toy, a phone; or one human with an animal; or another human with another human. Well, we’d like to think that everybody falls in love. Look at the animals, we perceive that they are in love when two of them mingle together no matter where they go, but again, who is the one perceiving but us, as in humans?
So let’s make this context easier and just constrain it to the creative beings that we are – the humans, or more rightfully, the human minds.
When I realised how I got ‘sucked’ into the marriage and children game, I felt a little sorry for myself. Not that I have anything to complain about my marriage or family life. It is perfect. I really could not ask for more, yet as I reflected back on the intentions on why I actually treaded that path, I can’t seem to forgive myself for it. For a start, I was one person who would have liked the experience of being married, as in the wedding and etc and also the experience of having a companion; but I wasn’t one who saw the potential or the stability of a marriage. And I didn’t really want to have children although it doesn’t mean that I do not love kids. I absolutely love them, but I just didn’t think that I’d like one of my own. Of course, at the end of the day they were merely just ideas and the fact is that I am now married with a beautiful little one. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with my marriage at all, it is just a realisation of how I had unconsciously used my partner, my little one and thus my marriage to fulfil something in me, which at the end of the day only I realised I was barking at the wrong tree all the time.
An inward journey requires ceaseless inquiry with honesty and integrity. Although it took some time to get to this point, I realised that I got married and had a child for the wrong reasons. I saw myself as a wreck coming from a broken family and also of a story of the poor little rich girl who had little freedom and since I did not feel safe and at home with many friends, any men whom resonated with my being, I hung on to them as if they were my life. Ask my partner and he would tell you the endless questioning, reassuring and “suffering” he went through just to convince me that I was loved. Yes, even having a partner didn’t convinced me that. Yet, I hung on to him anyway as it would make me feel better anyway just knowing that there is someone that I could call my own. It is that ownership, sense of belonging and being approved of. It is an obvious case of need, rather than love although it was love that I thought I had married my partner for.
It was tough to acknowledge that within me for that would admit that the marriage is a fraud since there is a meaning of sacredness and pure love in a union such as this. There was a lot of self judgment in this area which at the end of the day I also saw as guilt hovering for not honouring myself – just because I was looking for something out there and thought that I could find it in someone else. Purely ignorance playing its game.
Having shred off layers through realisation, I experienced loving my partner and my little one without conditions. As in, I simply accepted and loved them for who they are – if my partner needs to work, that’s peace to me; if my little one decides not to go for ballet, that’s peace to me; if they are both angry, that is peace to me too; opposing to those times when I needed someone to be this, say this or do that in order for me to be sure that I am loved, or if this person is here to stay for good. It becomes a ceaseless never ending quest until I become honest with my own needs and what I actually love them for. In the case where I am loving them because I need them, then is it still love?
Love is encompassing. Yet, it is often that we find that love is only targeted at a thing, or a person and that itself is specialness, meanings that we or rather the mind conjures to make a something that means nothing into something that means something. Yet, what is this thing that we love about a thing or a person? Seldom do we question. We just enjoy the feeling so much and get addicted to it to the point of obsession and then scheme to fulfil our needs. The innocence of the feeling then becomes a need. A falling in love becomes a falling in need. How disastrous!
When one says to the other, “honey, I need you to be present to me” or “baby, I need you to play your part”, what does it speak? And when the one who requests does not get what he or she needs, resentment, disappointment, anger and hatred start coming into the picture. Yet, there is this space, where when one requests, “honey, I’d love your presence” or “baby, I’d like you to spend some time with me doing this” without the expectation of anything in return, the response that comes naturally is a “it’s ok, love…” when it is a “no” and it is end of story. No whys, no why nots. And there is peace. I wouldn’t even say that it is an understanding of another’s need, because that would not even arise. It just is.
I am not saying that it is right or wrong to fall in love for it is natural to do so. In fact, we strive for it all the time – whether it is falling in love with a thing, a person, or just the moment. It is happening all the time. What I am trying to address here is the confusion between loving and needing. Love does not harp, or hold on to another for any needs to be fulfilled yet in that space, everything is fulfilled. When needs are not addressed, or seemingly fulfilled by another, there is some sense of pressure to both parties although when the needs are addressed, there seems to be a short momentary period of satisfaction and happiness. It is all a temporary measure and when the needs are not honestly addressed by one own self, both parties will find themselves hitting and running from and at the same point, never ever progressing until there is a shift in understanding, and here I do mean self understanding.
Love is what we seek, not sometimes but all the time. Yet, what we seek from the outside is exactly where we are not going to find it. Need is too something that needs to be addressed, not to be fulfilled but to be understood. We will find that the needs are naturally addressed when love is present. And yet where can love be found and experienced except in oneself?