If I can believe that no one out there can hurt me how is it that I am afraid to hurt others unless there is something that I am hiding from hence using that as an excuse not to ‘hurt’ another? Yet, how is it possible whether I hurt another or another is hurt by me when it is their own ideas running at the background which is beyond my control?
Each ‘hurt’ is a gift. Yet the act itself with the intention to hurt is unwholesome by itself. A wholesome act, as in action, whether in performing a bodily deed or in speech that comes with the intention to be authentic, honest, truthful or to get real so to speak is where I am getting at. In that space or encounter, if ‘hurt’ was to arise, whether within me or the other is indeed a gift for us each to work on within. Our integrity and willingness to take responsibility for it to make amends, not on the outside but within what is in the mind, is the sword that will cut through the veils of illusion. It is no wonder Byron Katie uses the words ‘I am willing to…’ and ‘I look forward to…’ in the turnarounds process of the Work.
Yet, it is also true to say that the subconscious motivation behind an act will exactly be mirrored back to the sender of the message of its true underlying intentions. As mentioned above, it is not the act itself but the intention behind it.
So say I may go forth to make an expression to my beloved with the intention to be authentic and honest. If my intentions are clear, it will be mirrored back to me by the other party’s acceptance. Yet the words I speak may come with some discretion as not to potentially overwhelming trigger the other party, or more true, trigger in me what I am incapable of handling within myself at that point in time. However, if I was to stand in my truer space of expression as in surrendering and letting go of any form of plan to manipulate what comes out from me with the pure intent of truth, even if it results in the other being triggered or hurt, I will be clear and not be effected by this person’s possible attacks, if any; out of compassion and right understanding.
At the point where I still possess the fear of hurting you, this guilt itself tells me a lot about myself – how I am relating to you, and not how I am hurting you. If I am being true in my own space, trusting that no one can hurt me, how is it at all possible that I can hurt you? So what is more true, is that I am still seeking your approval, to validate me of what I think I am. What will it speak of me if I hurt you? That I am a terrible person! But I don’t like to be a terrible person, or a selfish person! I like to be a loving person, a selfless person and etc… So I will go on being careful about not hurting you, literally living my life for you so that you are ‘safe’ and ‘happy’ and ‘not hurt’, so that I can go on carrying the delusion of myself secretly, lying to myself as long as you are not hurt, at least not by me.
Then what about the intentions to ‘attack’ or ‘defend’, albeit unconscious? In my observation, I will not be able to perceive myself as being ‘hurt’ or ‘attacked’ unless there is already a hovering guilt at the back of my mind. Take for instance, if a friend was to share something with me about his or her own growth and it was purely out of the joy of sharing, and I on the other hand felt triggered by it with an example of jealousy – as long as I am effected by it, it is only showing me what I had not been truthful about within myself hence becomes my own to resolve. So it is not necessarily that the person is purposefully or unconsciously trying to make me feel jealous as in to ‘attack’ me. My reaction or response to this whole storyline will tell me if it is an attack-defence happening in my mind, or if the attack is really coming from the other.
In my own understanding and experience, it is beyond my control whether I hurt others or not as it is not about me hurting anybody or anybody hurting me. It is the intensity of what is arising in the mind of individuals including myself at that point in time, which is the mark of test. What I mean to say is that if I was to identify with whatever thoughts or feelings that arises within me such as anger, hatred – there can only be two possibilities – which is, that it is either I will hold on to this person who has seeming hurt me to use him as a scapegoat, or use this unpleasant feeling as a gift to free myself from the lies that I secretly believe about myself through inquiry. And this very much depends on one’s attitude and qualities sown throughout the journey.
My teacher is very wise when he shares with me that it is necessary to be conscious in our act so as not to cause hurt to others which reminds me the similarity of other great masters’ teachings. Yet this form of teaching or act is not from fear of hurting others, but out of compassion, having come to the truth of oneself. It is seeing this truth, and coming to peace with it.
That is the grace of wisdom. That is what being humane is all about. We can’t try to be humane or practise humility not even develop these qualities through the practice of trying. It is through inquiry, probing further into the abyss of darkness will truth be revealed and realised.