Is there a difference between him going off to play golf or him going off for a date with another woman? Is it any of my business at all when what he does is simply bringing himself to a state of joy, or growth in his own journey? What part can I play except to bless him sincerely for his making of his own path? And how different can any activity be which he partakes have anything to do with me, except my own levels of limitation to accept what I think of myself at that moment?
It becomes more tolerable if he leaves to play golf with a friend, preferably a male friend. Whether I get irritated or not, it tells me less of what I would believe of myself compared to if he had left for a date with another woman. The thing is, if I truly loved this person, would it not be natural for me to wish him happiness? So why is it any of my business whom he goes out with, whom he stays or whom he is in love with?
Isn’t it strange that he becomes a must-have within my vicinity of my sight or at least knowing, in order for me to be happy and secure? I may argue that it is because I love myself hence the purposeful deed to ‘keep’ him therefore finding all ways to please him, make him happy, take care of him so that I will always remain his best choice. But if I knew that I was doing all that just to keep him, so for me to be happy, what is it telling of me? Can these things done, without a purpose? Without a purpose, why even the need to do?
Whether I play the role of a prosecutor or a victim, resenting him of how he shouldn’t have done what he did to me; would I have already condemned him? And I may take on a different role of generosity or an understanding person saying, “I love you honey and it is because I love you, you can go… Don’t worry about me, I will be alright as long as you are happy.” While this statement sounds so loving, wise and understanding, this statement in a very subtle sense carries a malicious intent to manipulate and infuse guilt onto another hence making the other stay or leave the relationship with guilt in his mind. Is this how I treat a person that I claim to love?
I remember listening to a monk’s talk once. He said that if someone that we love tells us that he has fallen in love with another person, we would be so happy for that person and even help him pack his bags. And if his falling in love with another, hence resulting in his decision in ‘leaving’ me makes me feel bad, then I’d know by then, that I never really loved this person. I only needed this person to validate me, to confirm a certain belief about myself. Well, not that I don’t love him, just that this love which I’d like to think is love, is tainted with concepts, beliefs and it is never about him, but all about me.
All relationships are illusionary. Just because two people stay together, sign a piece of paper, make a little love, then it is perceived that there is a relationship and it shuns everybody out. A piece of paper is just a piece of paper. You can keep it and you can tear it. Isn’t it strange how a piece of paper could bind the mind, making one think that it is now a ‘someone’ with ‘duties’ to ‘perform’? Not that there are no duties or anything to do, but why not infuse authenticity and creativity into it, rather than following the mass crowd without questioning?
I was chatting with a beloved aunty-in-law who lives separately with her husband who is in another country, living his dreams. No one could ever understand why the both of them could do that. They only meet a couple of times a year. It is like the first thing that creeps up in others’ mind is that… geez… that gives him a whole lot of freedom to cheat behind your back, doesn’t it?
Who is free to cheat behind anyone’s back if he or she is living his or her dream, being self sufficient in their own skin? Lest we are seeking for something to fulfil a need or a lack in us.
Indeed a silly game of hide and seek and I keep looking onto another for reasons I am unsure myself. Until I come to terms with what is in me that puts me in a position where I am needing others to be in a so-called relationship with me, or even to maintain such a relationship, I am still running away from myself and will not be able to rise up to the level of self actualisation.
A relationship or not, why the matter? Where is the relationship except all happening in the mind?