Today a few beloved friends came to visit. It is the first time since a long time I have had that many visitors visiting and it was indeed a pleasant surprise.
While all my friends were seated in the hall, with my little one hogging the television whilst having her lunch, my partner was in the work room, doing his own stuffs.
Later, when I decided to bring my friends out for lunch which my partner and little one did not follow, my friend who drove asked, “isn’t your darling coming along?”
He brought out a question that was already a concern in the mind. From the memories of the past, or rather due to the conditionings of the society, it is good manners or necessary to sit around the hall with our spouse or family with friends who were visiting. You know, to ‘host’ and ‘entertain’. There I was with my friends, in or out of the house for whatever reasons; and there my partner was, in or out of the house for whatever reasons. Whilst having lunch with my friends nearby home, my partner dropped my little one to me citing that he is going off to meet his friend for a drink. It was sweet of him, because he remembered to bring my little one to me before he shot off for his date.
Now, a normal friend would have questioned if there is anything wrong with our relationship. From past conditioning as I remember, I too would have questioned myself or him if there is anything wrong with our relationship since we are not seen to be doing things together since couples are always known and seen to be ‘together’. What was true to me at that moment when my friend asked me the question if my partner was coming along, was that it was fine that he was not coming along, as I loved that he was doing his own stuffs, and he was not stopping; not even for a moment; to come out to entertain my friends when his preference was to do something else. There is such beauty in that act, that I knew, if he popped out of the room and said hi to anyone; it was because he wanted to, and not because he had to. There was no sense of resentment, disappointment or doubt that existed in this space. Merely pure acceptance, allowance and appreciation.
On the other hand, I also admitted to my friend that it didn’t mean that I didn’t feel uncomfortable about the situation. The uncomfortable feeling is not about what he should or could have done to make me feel or look like a better host (though that would have been an old pattern) or to let others perceive what a happy marriage I seem to be in. The uncomfortable feeling arose from an unsurety, or rather a doubt of not knowing how this partnership or relationship will turn out to be as there is no reference point. It is similar to being insecure, in a not-knowing space since the workings of our partnership or relationship is somewhat against the norm.
With the marriage certificate, there is always this expectation that we will and should live happily ever after and it is almost vital that we do. And by that, it is likely that we will follow suit examples of others, or what the society would advise us (since we can’t make up our own minds) to make sure that is exactly what we do to fulfil the conditions of a happy marriage. The truth is this, how can two individuals be any similar to any other two individuals in another marriage? I don’t really know. Ask me if I am experiencing a good relationship with my partner, I’d say that it is really not too bad! The grip onto each other is loosened and we are free to live our own dreams. Free to come together and free to go. There is a lesser sense of dependency save for when it comes to our little one where we thrive to spend as much family time together as a family unit not because we have to, but because we truly enjoy those moments together! We love and laugh a lot together during these moments.
So I am home now, with my little one playing with my iPhone; and he is out now, with his friend for a drink. I don’t know when he will be back and I love it that I don’t really know. There is a scheduled dinner tonight with his parents, and I love it that I am unsure if we are going to be on time. We can try our best, but how will we ever know? Anything could come up! But when I start to expect that he’d be home by 5pm, and that we’d have to leave the house by 6pm, I’d be putting myself in the shoes of stress. So it’d be great if he is home by 5pm! And if he isn’t, that is great too. It’d be great if we could leave the house by 6pm, but if we don’t, that’s great too. What else other than what will happen, can happen?
The expectations of living up to an imaginary something can cause insecurity especially in a path where we no longer rely on others to keep ‘alive’. It’s all about authenticity, creativity and honesty; and these qualities can be quite a threat to a partnership or relationship when there are concepts left unquestioned in the abyss of the mind. The insecurity of where a marriage should head, or how it should be is bogus. It is not a show or stage to put on for others. It is about being alive in our own skin, thus the naturalness in bringing that aliveness within to others – whether in a partnership, relationship; with the piece of paper or not.
And there is no need to know where we’d go from here. We’ll be where we’ll be. Right now, is where we are.
You have reached a level with your partner where words are no longer of importance and there is this confidence within yourselves. The key to keeping everything simple is to go with the flow. But of course, due to past conditionings and expectations that we ourselves have created; that’s when the stress surfaces…..
I also feel the same comfort now when Mike’s out and no longer question what time he’ll be back; just going with the flow….
Very good piece of writing.