It is very interesting how the mind works, hanging on not only on anything outside, as in a person out there, or a material out there, but also a state, or a personality experienced when I am asleep to what is lurking at the background.
There was this instance, or a period of time, where I experienced being in a state of bliss, equanimity and you can say what was seen through the lens of the mind was love – unconditional love. Nothing and no one was left out of it and it was indeed a joyful experience. Because there was so much joy and bliss in that experience, thus attachment is born out of it moulding a fabrication of that exact state. All this was because there was pleasantness hence the mind signalling it as pleasure.
And pleasure always equates to pain, because the mind will keep on wanting to go back to the pleasurable state to the extent of mimicking the state even when situations trigger. Thus, the personality or rather, the facade is born.
Since it is untrue to the inner state of what is, the conflict begins and the thoughts that churns out from the untrue idea results in a state of confusion. The attitude of hanging on to that personality itself propels more and more inner turmoil thus projects onto the outer reality that it is somewhat attacked in most areas. It was again, such an amazing experience to be in such state.
Soon thoughts with heavy weight accompanied. The mind was no longer free because freedom was no longer what I experienced. The body started to well up heaviness, and I was unable to allow myself express what was in me because I knew, or rather the mind that knew the truth – that what is let out is not true at all, hence the silence despite the noise within.
The mind got more and more tense, though not reflected on the outside. Dark thoughts hovered around the mind, as if unhappy with anything that it perceives whether from sight, sound, taste and touch. Nothing was pleasurable anymore. It had entangled up itself with its own game of wanting pleasure not knowing that the pleasure that it was seeking for cannot be seek, and the very pleasure that it was seeking for has resulted into pain.
Until arriving at an edge, expressions had to be let out and there was no interference in it, as in no longer holding back as there was a knowing that through expressing, it would find its way back albeit in layers. It was so so hilarious. Because as soon as it started expressing faults, especially of others, there were laughter knowing that it was untrue. And then it went to the direction of self-blame, and then there was laughter again, also knowing that it was untrue. It was sheer madness… madness in joy!! And the bitching went on and on… as it just had to let out; to a trusted friend; just to find its way back home again.
All storylines were indeed a hoax to cover up the shame of attachment to a state that could not be hung on. Observing what came up, several past issues which were not dealt with authentically also surfaced. It came closer and closer to the space of truth – because there was so much pleasure in the personality of a loving, gentle person that it hung on to that personality. And yet again, the loving, gentle person that it hung on to turned out to be an ugly monster. With the loving, gentle personality came with an expectation certain qualities. And because this facade was untrue to the inner state of mind, the conflict arises.
A question was then posted – when I am bitchy, does it mean I am not loving? – and I laughed again at the silly self-judgements. It is always, always about good and bad, right and wrong – educated by society, surrounding environment and people – when all that is required is honesty and authenticity within oneself.
I am one loving bitch at this moment, full of vulgarity yet one of joy – because I realised that there is no difference in being a loving angel, or a loving bitch – except for the fear of being judged, and to seek approval. All are only confused and misunderstood terminologies. Yet, the word ‘loving’ here is only onto myself and nothing to do with anybody or anything out there. So if I am loving what is, why wouldn’t I be loving my bitchiness? And if I am loving my bitchiness, am I not a loving bitch at this moment, at least to myself? If I am loving my moment with myself regardless of what I am doing with myself, would else can find fault with me, except myself? I am all that matters, is it not?
In truth, any mental states or rather personality experienced in oneself arises from conditionings. And there is really nothing I can do about it when such is the state. All I can do is just continuously practise, as in to be aware of it, until the cloud passes off and to start working with the conditions again. And each now that I am aware, I am already sowing the right conditionings. It is work in progress and all about practise – and there is nothing wrong with it. At least, the right attitude of taking responsibility and integrity is present – and that is authenticity itself. If not now, when?
So, will you join me and be the loving idiot too?