I remember that abandonment was one of the hardest processes that I have had to go through during my journey. Occasionally, it still visits but its stay and intensity has lessened tremendously and I cannot help but credit this to my partner playing his role. Not that he has abandoned me or left me (which is impossible, by the way), but his role in our illusionary marriage by honouring himself has tremendously served my transcendence of this pattern.
Many of us don’t like this state and it is very natural of us hence to beg and find ways for our partners to address to our insecurities by hoping or expecting his or her responses to fulfil our needs for security and assurance; failing which, unpleasantness will surely proliferate between a couple. While this is helpful (the assurance bit) in the initial part of the relationship, how long can this go on? I remember my insecurity issue shooting rocket high in the initial phase of my relationship with my partner, and trust me, my partner had a hard time, although he would always answer to my queries again and again until I reached a state of assurance and security, at least for a while until the whole cycle began once more. As much as the defiled state seemed to wither for a little while, when another similar situation arose again, the same drama replayed itself again. I remember that it was after my little one was born where there seemed to be more stability, but that did not in any way alter the deep sense of insecurity within, except that attention was directed elsewhere. And soon enough, worse dramas would surface (which it did) in order for me to learn the lesson. Else, I guess I wouldn’t have embarked on my inner journey.
Two years after I have embarked in the journey, I had only managed to touch the surface of abandonment. My breaking point was this night sometime last year, when I got home after dinner with some friends. Realising my partner was not home and his not picking up the phone made the already-present feelings more intense. When he finally returned my call at the same time sensing that something was going on in me, he offered to come home. From the sound of his voice, I knew that his wish was to spend time with his buddies and his offer to come home to provide comfort was a mixture arising from an act of kindness, obligation and guilt which is indeed a very much repeated pattern in our relationship. While I was quite sure that his act of coming home will definitely comfort me to a certain extent, I only told him to honour himself – and that meant, I left it open to him to honour what was true to him at that moment. Believe me, his decision in not coming home made the already-intense discomfort magnify beyond a million fold. Choosing to attend to this discomfort differently (instead of subscribing to the usual ‘bloody betrayer’ attitude), I embraced the entire process without judging or wanting it to be any different. Yes, it was painful to the point that I thought I might just pass out due to its intensity. But, I survived it and something shifted inside the very next day. I trust that it was the cultivated practice of taking responsibility which made it possible to continuously turn the radar inwards instead of succumbing to the ancient pattern of blame and attack, thus is the pattern somewhat broken.
Thereafter whenever the same state surfaces whether in similar or different storylines, it feels much easier to deal with though the intensity at times can still be overpowering. Yet, it has come to a stage where I can no longer believe in it anymore. And I could not have surpassed this if my partner had not honoured himself that very night and all the other times where his actions were perceived earlier with the idea of being abandoned. My partner’s act of honouring himself time and time again, has become an act of support for me in order to transcend the ancient, old patterns; albeit differently defined from the common meaning of ‘being there with or for you’.
I am aware that people may misconstrue the meaning of this story I am sharing here as if giving rights and support to men or women to do just about anything that does not give considerations to their partners. If one is merely reading this story and missing the essence thus using this story as an evidence to back up his or her own motivation to walk away or to behave in a totally inconsiderate way towards the partner without evaluating or truly recognising his or her own intention, then what he or she has is ignorance at play. It will be soon when shit hits the fan, where he or she will not be able to ignore the tremendous amount of guilt within him or herself and this, has got nothing to do with the partner.
I am not saying too, that it is necessary or even wise to leave the partner in order for him or her to learn his or her lesson as that is not within anyone’s control except one’s own. One can behave in one hundred ways or tell a hundred people on how he or she doesn’t see wrongness in this or that or even reason that he or she is helping the partner to go through his or her inner process (which is total bullshit by the way), but one can never lie to oneself. It is not about ‘helping’ the partner to learn his or her lessons; but only in our own lessons. Perhaps it will be helpful to clarify that each time my partner honours himself by doing whatever he wishes to do, he is totally oblivious to what is arising in me and it is my choice what I choose to do with what comes up in me. Hence, I would say that his choice of honouring himself in situations has nothing to do with me, but his own sense of peace.
It is not about doing things differently on the outside that lifts us up from the plate of guilt, but what we choose to do within. Until I see that within myself with clarity and also see the intent of each of my actions, then only can I be authentic not to succumb to my partner’s sense of unworthiness but by playing the role of support of being physically present or not. Otherwise, it is just unworthiness playing with unworthiness – the guilty playing with the guilty; and this is an insidious pattern that plays out in relationships.
Anything played out in naturalness from the space of love and joy is best, and it is for those with the sincere wish to transcend old patterns will they courageously tread this path of looking inwards. The path of liberation is not about staying with someone, or leaving someone; not about the rights or wrongs; for each relationship played out is already a manifested manifestation. It is too not about the other having an affair outside or turning gay just to have my lesson learned. If I have an idea that I am being abandoned when my partner goes out for breakfast on his own without me, then at this point; which will be a very trivial issue to many; is my point of liberation when I begin my inner process.
To me, it is about growth, evolution and liberation. How serious are you about your journey?
p/s: – please stay tune for part ii.