Intimacy during communication can only occur with honesty, authenticity and clarity.
What I mean by honesty here is being totally naked in expressing one’s vulnerability; authenticity as in not covering up what is being expressed to make it sound ‘nicer’ or ‘beautiful’ or even ‘kinder’ to the ears of the other; and clarity as in, when one has honestly looked within and realised, and share one’s own learning with another.
In honest and authentic communication, powered by clarity in mind, what results naturally is kindness and of course, intimacy. All blaming, name calling, hitting below the bell stances gets out of the way because both willing to come clean with one another. It is about being able to even feel embarrassed in expressing what one thought was wrong or guilty of what has happened that in that moment of true communication, the feeling of embarrassment arising from the fear of being judged and ridiculed begins to mists away by the sheer courage to express honestly, authentically with clarity (without the finger pointing, of course) while being in true communication with another.
This kind of communication is void of attack or defence. Yet once bitten, always twice shy. Still, if there is no attempt of trials and errors, how does one learn?
Byron Katie is wise to remind that people who have realised themselves to share what they have learned about themselves with the people that they love, especially those who had seemingly triggered them. I used to ponder if it was necessary. Two days ago, I realised that while it was not essential but it does seem to uplift barriers and separation between people arising out of more in depth understanding of oneself and another. Of course, what I have realised is my business and totally nothing to do with anybody, but we are social creatures, and as much as we cannot have others understand us, but the very least that we can do is to openly express and communicate what we thought had happened and what we had later realised. By this, we are doing our part in nurturing ourselves, the other and also the relationship, be it between parent-child, teacher-student, husband-wife, and friends.
It is also important to realise, that to expect the other to understand and accept our realisation is blasphemy! And yet, once triggered, it is back to the drawing board again. As you can see, it never really ends, until it is finally undone.
I used to tease that it is much easier to ‘wake up’ in the midst of unconscious people because they don’t really care what you think and they will just point their fingers at you out-rightly, and because you are in the conscious inward journey, you would do your inner work if you are really serious about your own inner freedom – they become your gift. Of course, it doesn’t mean that we go around looking for triggers, but it happens anyway. I am also not saying that triggers are not possible amongst more conscious people, but it is just not so obvious. Triggers come from the subconscious; because if they were conscious, we wouldn’t have needed mirrors and wouldn’t have called them subconscious too. Like it or not, we are all mirrors to each other and carry the same load of garbage in the subconscious.
I learned the other day how my incessant effort of the inward journey has kept me to myself most of the time. Even if I had a realisation, I usually shared it with my teachers, rather than the person who had seemingly pushed my buttons in the first place. For that, my closed ones never really knew what went on in me and the sudden change in me seem such a shock to them that they thought I had joined a cult, had been brainwashed or worst, in some kind of denial. Perhaps, relating in the world, it would have been kinder to at least let them in on what I had learned about myself. Yet there is another thought, what has what I have learned got to do with them? Still, there are people who do care. This I cannot deny, and I also cannot deny that it is my believing into the thoughts such as ‘they don’t care about me’ (not in that way anyway) or ‘they won’t understand what I am talking about’ that propelled me to keep mum of my realisations only finding it safe to share with a selected few. Judgements, judgements. While there was much intimacy going within, but in the physical world, it seemed to create some kind of misunderstanding in behaviour even though in truth, nothing has gone wrong. They may not out-rightly express it, but their doubts show anyway in some form or another. Well, I can understand they need some kind of understanding of what was going on with the change and all that. I was, after all, one of them.
Yet, my communication of my realisations can only come when I have come to peace with that part of myself which bears the fear of being judged or ridiculed (from what I thought had happened but didn’t really happen). And of course, that too, has nothing to do with others, but much to do with me.
My communication with the world too has much to do with me, too. I am still in the world where communication and understanding is needed. It is much kinder to be clear about things and to bring my own clarity to the table so that they can be clear and also share the same clarity of what had seemingly happened; that is, if that is what they wish too. I can’t really wish the same for others you see, although that is what I would wish to wish. What they wish is totally beyond my control, so I can only work with what I can do and what seems right to me. And wouldn’t that be enough, at least for me? Someone told me once of an excerpt he learned from a movie, “Freedom is nothing, when you can’t share with it someone else.” And freedom can only come with clarity.
I learned this, albeit a pretty hard way – that an inward journey is lonely – because the triggers and lessons are one’s own to come to terms with; yet the clarity and freedom derived after that is meant to be shared. It is not a doing, or a wish. It simply occurs in naturalness. No wonder gurus share. It is unconditional.
Still, what is the point of sharing with the world when I am unable to share it intimately with those closest at home? After all, charity does start at home.