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The Incessant Relationship

Does a relationship exist because of a marriage?

Does a relationship cease because of a divorce?

It seems to me that these two things which is apparently constituted and somehow governed by law are just to validate and make a relationship official.

If I am fearful when I experience a person leaving me from a marriage or in a divorce, what am I truly afraid of? Is it because of that person leaving me, or am I simply afraid that the relationship is cut off?

How can that be? If anyone had notice, ‘no more relationship’ is also a kind of relationship. It is a relationship of ‘no more relationship’. Question that, and what you are left with is – the kind of relationship that it is.

Am I truly attached to the person that I am afraid to let go, to the relationship or more specifically, the role and identity of what I am in this so-called relationship? The role and identity that I would identify myself as in such a relationship would be one that I would define my limitations of actions with – what I am seemingly giving out and what I am seemingly receiving. If I am stripped from such a role or identity, does the relationship cease together with the limited actions of what I seem to be giving and receiving whether out of duty or out of love? If it is out of duty, might as well let it go, for any duty done out of obligation cannot come from joy. Yet, if it is done out of love, what makes me think without the role or identity, I can no longer do it?

Or is it simply, another form of relationship that comes into play? I can’t really stop myself from relating to someone. It just happens by itself naturally. Even if I don’t speak to a person, meet with a person face to face, or even sleep with a person – a relationship already exists; only my concept or belief of what it should be or should not be will tend to set in a little confusion that a relationship has ended or has to end, for that matter.

Perhaps it is more true to question what is it about me that I am finding difficulty in letting go. And when I am courageous enough to see what is beyond what I think I know, or what I believe I think I know, I’d find that it is still me. It is somewhat insane, here I am resenting being with this person and on the other hand, I can’t let go of this person. I am really kidding myself, and isn’t that strange? That we should find thrill in kidding ourselves?

A relationship does not cease though the form of relationship does, again due to concepts. I kiss this beloved and it is because I just do. I have coffee with another beloved and that is because I just do. What is the matter with that? Is one more special than the other? It seems like it doesn’t it? Because that is how I have believed it to be so. How a kiss is sacred, and how a cup of coffee is not.

I attended a court hearing today and the lawyer told us that if he has the right to object our divorce before the judge, he would do just that. He watched us whisper to each other’s ears and laugh joyously and he could not understand why we had chosen to take this path of a divorce. As we took some joyous time to speak to him, he was even more convinced that we should not be separated. And I merely told him, “what makes you think a divorce is the end of a relationship?”

The truth is, it is not the end but merely a change in form of the relationship. And he said, “but clearly you still love each other!” and we laughed and said, “yes we do! and a divorce does not and can never possibly change that.” And he went into some fantasy that we might remarry again. It was amazing… we are right there standing in front of him and there he was fantasizing about us in the future.

We keep believing these concepts thinking the marriage is the union and the divorce is the separation, yet is that really true? I have come to see that it is pretty irrelevant. If I have to marry you to convince myself and validate our relationship by making it official in the eyes of the law, then perhaps a divorce can be spoken from the context that I no longer need to be married to you to convince myself and validate our relationship because I have realised.

So a dear beloved teased me today how a marriage doesn’t mean a thing to me anymore. This statement reminds me of the encounter where my ex-partner’s mom asked me if I will remarry again after the divorce since my ex-partner solemnly declare his wish to never get married again. I told her honestly that I don’t know. I can say ‘no’ now because I am currently labelled as single and available with no beloved around (not in an ‘official’ relationship with someone in the context of the world) and I might change my mind. And that is honesty. If someone asks me and I feel like it, why not? At least now I won’t be doing it to prove anything to myself or anybody! It is just me and my own little game!

It does sound pretty threatening to some and I can understand that. A friend was expressing to me how she doesn’t understand why she seems to be more affected by my storyline of the divorce than myself. It was clear what I seem to be doing seems to be threatening the solidity and stability or foundation of a marriage constitution. But think about it. It is just some paper and some ceremony that people go through to make it real and valid. Without it – does it mean what you have is not real or gone? Likewise, with it – does it mean you really, truly have it or that it is any real?

Even in death where it is deemed as a final separation, the relationship does not cease; because ultimately all relationships are ceaseless, as they are all symbolic of the kind of relationship you have with yourself, i.e. the mind.

8 Responses to “The Incessant Relationship”

  1. C. E. W. says:

    I have not been able to read this kind of article for a long time,i must say it is quite thought provoking.

  2. bullshitter says:

    Think of a man who loses his job and sinks into despair because he personally identified with his work to such a degree that loss of job means loss of self or loss of manhood. Think of a woman who undergoes a similar crisis of identity due to divorce, with the attendant loss of her primary identity structure. Think of parents whose lives lose all meaning due to the loss of a child, or someone who’s lost all hope and joy due to some bad news from the doctor. Losses like these can make us feel like we’ve lost our core. We might feel we can’t recover from them, and maybe we can’t. 

    When we believe in the world outside of ourselves, gain is often perceived as good and loss as bad. When we stop believing in a world external to self, that reverses: gain becomes bad and loss becomes good. Nothing we can lose was ever ours in the first place. All we can ever lose is illusion.

  3. bullshitter says:

    When I (unquestioningly) believe in the world outside of myself, gain is often perceived as good and loss as bad. That’s common sense, isn’t it?

    When I stop believing in a world external to self, that reverses: gain becomes bad and loss becomes good. This doesn’t seem to make sense, right?

    When I stop believing the (projection of) world (via persistent self-inquiry), in this context I “see” the world as untruth and delusional – whatever gain is just inception of untruth/delusion/debris into my mind and whatever loss is just extraction of untruth/delusion/debris from my mind.

    Well, in such context, it makes sense that gain becomes bad and loss becomes good; which will then lead to “losing as much as possible” is the way to win the game of “walking the talk of inward-bound journey is all about undoing.”

    The mother of all (im)possibility – there is nothing to gain/create/desire; reason being I can ever gain/create/desire is only untruth/delusion/debris in the level of the mind (i.e. the level of cause).

    So, what’s the point of playing the game of being human? Consider losing/undoing/despising everything in the world to a point nothing else to be loss/undo/despise. What’s left then? (At this point, I’m present to this deep-seated fear of dark-hollow-nothingness-emptiness-void lurking in the background. Aren’t you?)

    After all, all I can ever lose is illusion (and the attachments to the world and perhaps ultimately myself). Any wonder why as a journeyman, I often get to hear such quotes i.e. “life is suffering,” “the world is an illusion,” “I am only dreaming that I am living,” “life is empty and meaningless …”

    • GG says:

      Gain and Loss are both meanings you give it to.

      “losing as much as possible” is to mean to lose the illusion of what is, and not losing what is perceived as gain or loss.

      In truth, the inner and outer world is no difference and not really opposites. The opposites are again the concepts we give it to and is seen as opposites because what it is is not yet seen, recognised or understood – or perhaps in this context, whatever words or meanings you give it to.

      This deep-seated fear of dark-hollow-nothingness-emptiness-void lurking in the background – I don’t know if I am present to it; if I am or if I am not – geez, is that what they call it?

      But then again, what has all these got to do with the entry that I posted?

  4. Achelis says:

    well I do not believe that marriage is just a piece of paper and neither is marriage the meaning of a relationship.

    I do however believe that marriage is a union bound in Heaven that binds a relationship founded on trust centered in God, that grows through the counting of blessings and the good times as well as the forgiveness and learnt lessons from the not so good times. It will then mature into a solid foundation that is unbreakable. Only separable by the separation of death.

    Please hold on, please consider, lets not be like the world who lives on the basis of “sex without strings & relationships without rings”. All these are meaningless like the dew that disappears in the rising sun.

    God Bless

    • GG says:

      Dear Achelis, welcome. 🙂

      I so love what you have written – “marriage is a union bound in Heaven that binds a relationship founded on trust centered in God, that grows through the counting of blessings and the good times as well as the forgiveness and learnt lessons from the not so good times. It will then mature into a solid foundation that is unbreakable.” And for that, everything becomes a marriage to one self, never ever limited to just one; for not just one but all, are faces of you.

      Marriage makes exclusiveness which is important, in my own understanding, for two people to learn lessons from and through each other which inevitably only can be found in the context of a relationship or a marriage. Exclusiveness is important in this sense so that people don’t run away from lessons.

      It sounds like you have a solid foundation in marriage if you are married, that is. And if you are, do enjoy your marriage! God bless, too. 🙂

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