Feed on

For so long
It has been like this
You in your outrage
And me in my silence
Your outrage scorching me with fumes of fire
My silence, like a little bug inside you, eating you up noiselessly
Both defending by attacking
One loud, one silent
What is the difference?
Both refusing to budge.

And today
The same old pattern
Of you nearly in rage
And me nearly in silence
Your hands nearly shaking
My body nearly trembling
Yet suddenly in a moment of clarity, and courage
It was broken
Forgiveness no longer necessary
Because what was misunderstood before
Now understood and realised
And melted into agreement
As and in one
Only love that surrounds
As truth is then revealed
Finally responding to what has been requested
The one sacred statement
“How long more can we do this? Please come back here. Let’s talk now, and openly.”
Does it matter who said it
When both are now willing?

The nodding begins
The tones soften
And now there is a decent conversation
Between two wondrous adults
In the presence of compassion
In the pool of openness and wisdom
No longer difficult to admit shame
No longer difficult to express vulnerability
No longer difficult to reveal uncertainty
In the vastness of truth
How I have finally acknowledged your continuous concern
Finally understanding how you could never present yourself the way I had wished
That expectation no longer obscuring what was previously unknown
That you do care so much about me
And you love me that much
And you finally hear it through my words
How I am finally revealing, “I hear you, dad”
Speaking in the end,
“I am sorry, I was ignorant, and I know that now, dad, that it was all for me.”

We end up in hugs
In those familiar kisses
And you pick up your cigarette
And do that father thing again
I smile again
Because that is so typical you
And I say to you, “oh daddy, do tell me happy things!”
And you say to me, “Oh yes, now I will tell you happy things.”
How you had seen and hinted it
And how you ‘tried’ in your hints to save me
And how I was so quick to defend and not save myself
And I smile and say
“Oh daddy, I was a silly, silly little girl.
But be proud of me, daddy, for I am calm and poised today
Strong and wise enough and not broken like before
And there was no way that you could have influenced me
But thank goodness you did such a good job in being you
That I had no choice but be inspired by you
And had to just learn to be like you!”

You startled for a little while
And I don’t really know what you think
But I marvel anyway
Because you are always so full of surprises!

And I hug you again
Because I finally hear you
And I hug you again
Because you finally hear me
And we hug again
With your cigarette burning away
And then you sudden break away from the hug
To inhale another puff from your cigarette.

I don’t know if this is a completion
Or even a beginning for that matter
I have noticed you tend to forget
Occasions when we fight and make up
And yet does that really matter
I have lost so much of you
And gained so much of you
In each conflict and resolution
Where expectations separated us
And openness joined us back as one.

Today you are no longer hungry
Today I am no longer longing
We both meet in the middle
And embrace the misunderstood differences
Still there is work to be done
For those disowned parts of self
No no I am not talking about you
And not really about me too
But something that is both of us
And yet not really us.

One Response to “A Completion, or A Beginning…?”

  1. Dean says:

    Pretty insightful. Thanks!

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