There was a saying that to keep a man’s heart is to tie him through his stomach – that is, a woman needs to be a good cook or at least be able to cook his favourite dishes to keep her man. I remember someone telling me that too but I never got around to cooking. Not that I don’t enjoy cooking, but I guess I didn’t want to do it to keep a man. I want to cook because I enjoy it, and during the times when I cook, I love it!
In fact, this is just a common example what most women do in order to keep their men. It is amazing and it can be in the form of anything – losing weight, dressing pretty, cultivating similar interests of what their men enjoy, sex, changing their behaviours and etc – all for the sake of keeping their men. And like it or not, some relationships with these kind of theme end up with the meaning of betrayal as its end – as a mere reflection of how one has betrayed herself in a relationship.
And paradoxically, in the world if there is no change or blending into each other’s interest, the marriage becomes somewhat empty or meaningless, doesn’t it?
Many people do this – as in change themselves just to make their beloveds happy and I am beginning to see that while it is a common trait in women, it is one that is also becoming more and more common in men too. I am not pointing out that it is wrong, for everything is merely a journey. I remember meeting a couple where the woman was brought up in a pampered environment where she never needed to do housework but met a man who loves to have his woman capable of handling house chores. The woman, being in love with the man, tried her best to do it while the man later dumped her because he thought she was not for keeps since she could not even manage basic house chores. It seemed rather silly upon hearing the whole situation, yet can anybody be put wrong in this situation? The woman needed to keep her man hence learned to clean, and the man upon seeing that she is not good at what he needs his woman to be good at broke up with her. The woman was really broken hearted and regretted much that she even attempted to change herself in that sense.
So perhaps many would say that the man didn’t really love the woman? I’d say that the woman didn’t really love the man too. Well, at least not yet because both were still coming from the need of doing something or being done to.
Anything that is done from the space of keeping someone is a form of an attack and comes from the space of fear hence the response back will be exactly the same. Even if the man was to appreciate but it would soon break the woman’s heart when the man’s attention is no longer 100% on her – also another reflection of self betrayal in that sense.
So you ask, does that mean that we don’t do anything for the beloved? Well, I’d say let’s check the intention behind it! Anything that I am doing to seek his love, appreciation, approval or to keep him happy obscuring my own integrity or own sense of being, I am actually betraying myself. It will only be soon that I’d find it a chore to do it rather than to please him and begin to loathe the whole act or worst, loathe the beloved for it! I remember meeting a woman who said that she was so tired and unhappy cooking dinner for her family as she felt that she had to do it to keep her family happy, failing to see that actually all her family wants for her is for her to be happy. Her eyes practically lit up when she realised that she didn’t have do it unless she wanted to!
And the funny thing is that when you realised you don’t have to do it, you’d finally want to do it from your own heart and there is only immense joy surrounding the whole act without any expectations from the outer because it makes you happy! Of course, when there’s hurt and disappointment when they start to complain or not appreciate the act, you’d know that it is just a reflection of the subtle sense of expectation which has crept in based on needs. That is alright too as it is just a sign to refine the intention behind one’s act from one that is based on needing something from the outer to a pure act of love and service.
So lovers, love because you love, do whatever for the beloved because it pleases you not because it pleases the other. If it pleases you to be in tune with your beloveds to address to his needs, be clear that it is what you wish to do and it pleases you and not the beloved. Then any act that you perform can only come back as a reflection of love and appreciation because any act that is done from needing something from someone has a meaning of compromise in it and we have indeed been falsely led by the need to compromise or give and take in a relationship. The word ‘compromise’ or ‘give and take’ somehow has a meaning of sacrifice in it, where I am sacrificing some of my needs for your needs to be fulfilled and vice versa. The thing is, this word itself is inaccurate for there is no such thing as sacrifice because at any one point of time, you are making a decision of what you want except that in ‘compromise’ and ‘give and take’, we consciously give up something we perceive we want when subconsciously wanting something else from others. It is obvious that it is the subconscious that finally determines the final decision hence it is in the subconscious where all intentions are known. When you ponder on the word ‘compromise’, you’d realise that there is nothing that you had sacrificed because you had actually maliciously wanted something from the other person. In this context, to compromise is indeed another act of attack to the beloved; and guess what, we do that most of the time when we are unconscious to our own inner world.
In being aware of the intentions behind any act, we can consciously choose again how to love one another fully without having the need to make anyone happy to keep them. So it is not about changing ourselves, or doing something to make the other happy or to keep the other person but more so of clearly knowing the motivation you are doing it for. When we become more aware of these patterns, then we become clear of what is more true within and able to consciously align the rightful intent and action to blossom the act into a pure act of love rather than one of attack.
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