We were alone at home again last night. Usual times, it was fine. I’ve pretty much come to peace with the spaciousness of the home and also the loneliness of it when no one is around. After confirming that no one was going to come home, I set the alarm and put the little one to sleep. What was unexpected was the alarm triggered at about 1am in the morning. Usually, if it was a home resident who had come home unexpectedly, the alarm would be turned off by that person who walked in the door, but the alarm which triggered did not stop. It rung and rung.
I didn’t really know what to do. I stood a moment there and thought it would be best to go downstairs to have a look after ascertaining from the alarm panel which zone was triggered. At first I opened the room door, and after a while I stopped and thought it was safer to take the bat down which was hidden under the dressing table. The little one was still sound asleep and I didn’t want to startle her unnecessarily, so I closed the room door quietly despite the alarm ringing so loudly and walked down the stairs.
I held on to the bat tightly in my hands. I didn’t really know what was going to happen but was fully ready to embrace anything that came along the way with the bat in my hand (yes, I am aware I was at an attack mode – yet, was there any other way then?). I checked all areas especially the triggered zone and found that everything was intact though the alarm panel still showed the particular area was triggered. Rationally, I set off the alarm.
I went upstairs again; pretty aware that there was no way I could have set the alarm on again since the vibration sensor was faulty in that particular zone. So I called my brother who was staying over at his partner’s to come home. He quickly said he will be home soon.
As I lay in bed with the little one, feeling shocked and at the same time fearful – effects of what had happened – I could not help but feel helpless, weak and vulnerable. As much as this is not the first time it happened but it hadn’t felt so bad the other times as I had either my partner or the guardian angel or at least my brother around; as if, not alone. But last night, it was a real overwhelming reality that I am here now – alone, helpless, weak and vulnerable with nothing I could do about it. I turned to look at my little one, I saw that those overwhelming feelings were arising from wanting to protect her from anything undeserving that could possibly happen to her. Of course, I also questioned who was I to judge what is deserving and undeserving, when all that has happened has nothing to do with that but with my inadequacy and helplessness of a mother of not being able to prevent that from happening.
A beloved friend texted me this morning and wished me Happy Full Moon and to remind me to have a moon cake. What would have been an additional perk to my usual morning cheer did not made me feel better. In fact, the morning just got worst when in the moment of unconsciousness, I threw words of attack to my partner who was working overseas. It was clearly uncalled for. But yet, it happened. Can I at least be at peace with myself for that?
Interestingly, this dwelling that I have resented for years has not only provided my family, pets and I a roof over our heads, housed many of our guests, invited beautiful creatures such as dragonflies, birds and even magical mushrooms into our fold but also, of late, lessons – lessons to allow me to see what other things I am still holding on to about myself. I have always thought that I wanted a smaller home, cosier space but the persistent hold of the nature for me to be right here in this home allowed me to see recently how my reasons for wanting a smaller, cosier home were defiled and had more relevance to what I thought about myself and not about what I like or dislike or what I want or don’t want. And that realisation about myself set me free a little bit more from the resentment I held on towards this present dwelling. Somehow, I have come to appreciate and love this home a little bit more.
And this incident of the triggered alarm is the same. I would have took it for granted again it is the big house, or because no one is home when all that was playing up was actually my inadequacy and helplessness as a guardian and caretaker in protecting the beloved little one entrusted onto me for my nurturing. Yet, can I finally come to peace with that too?