For such a long time now
I could not reconcile
How it is so
That when we are alone
There is much admiration
Yet in the midst of company and work
Resentment could creep in.
And I cannot deny
There had been moments of unconsciousness
Where there is blame and irritation
Either kept in or blurted out
Making you wrong, dumb
And at times unreasonable
To support the sense of righteousness
Drawing me further away from you
Albeit secretly still in awe with you.
Yet deep down I knew
The button is here and not there
I just could not see it
It was just too deep seated
Hovered by too many storylines
Of the past, the present and the future
Of what has been, what is, and what will be.
Today, I realised
Indeed a revelation
How I kept failing you thus myself
Lifetime after lifetime
Though walking in reverence
Yet burying deep resentment
Holding on yet keeping it silent
Each time burning me momentarily
When you did not live up to what I believed you to be.
Yet you stood still as my silent teacher
Either through extending a loving voice
Or backing off with your illness
Bringing either smiles and warmness to my heart
Or arrows to my defiled heart
Allowing me to taste my own greatness
Yet at the same time
Not fully able to appreciate you.
Having meet you again
Though not recognising you at first
Not wanting to recognise you after
Forgive me, this ignorant fool
How I had been so blind
Making you an enemy
When indeed, you are truly just my friend.
As the weary heart cries out in deep sorrow and regret
While being escorted by gratitude and love
Fully acknowledging your presence now
In my journey once more.
Oh Beloved Teacher
How I am grateful you are still standing today
And breathing in life through that seemingly frail body of yours
For somehow it has given me the opportunity
To meet you once again in grace, anew
To finally come to peace with the uncalled expectations
The irreconcilable before
Now fitting into pieces
Leaving you your reinstated innocence
From the magnificent yet quiet role you play
In my voyage home to be.
And now it is my own woes I work with
In forgiving and loving
Having yet to make peace with myself
Another layer unravelling
Playing out in my field
For holding on to you for so long as my scapegoat
For the ignorance I could not see in myself then.
At least now, you are finally free.
*Dedicated to and deep gratitude to my first female teacher in the Dharma this lifetime*