So often we have tasted the compassion of others, and our ‘so-called’ compassion for others. Yet, the most important self to be compassionate with, we tend to forget and again and again judge and hate. We cannot come to terms with the most important self, because of the strong belief that ‘I cannot be wrong’ and thus emerge the sense of self-righteousness, the sense of self-blame, and the sense of self-hatred.
The most important self to be compassionate with and for, is no other than ourselves. When we have not resolved what is in us, have not tasted compassion for the errors that we have made, where is there the sense of compassion for others? That is why the ‘so-called’ compassion as it is only mimicked and not true in its sense; and to truly know if our compassion for others is authentic is to really look within if we have been triggered by their well-being, behaviors or actions which have absolutely nothing to do with us.
I came across a recent incident where I felt triggered by a loving act of another. Why I would call it a loving act, is because there were things exactly of what I would do before to bring joy to others; except I usually did it at my own expense. The error here is for judging this beloved friend thus in a very indirect way of judging myself. How would I know if this beloved friend was doing it from the space of inspiration or seeking approval except my own interpretation of it? And where would my interpretation of it come from except from my own past experiences and own doing which I have yet to come to peace with?
As much as I might have brought much joy to others, it was not joy for myself. I did it with a sense of ‘sacrifice’ which in itself was a sin. And because I had deprived myself of the joy I had so deserved and desired secretly, I had judged myself and hated myself for it. To make matters worse, I am unable to forgive myself now as I fail to see that at that point in time; I only did my ‘best’, to mean adhering to the old programs within which I had never thought that was possible to break.
The errors multiply by themselves when ignorance is at play, and when I cannot see it, it develops into a giant snow ball which would take a big blow to break. And that is what happens when the intensity of the errors become too much to handle – we become so overwhelmed by it that the layer just become thicker and thicker, making it all harder for us to undo our folds of hoax, not to mention the original sin.
If I am unable to be compassionate to myself for the errs that I’ve made in the past, or even at present, how could it be possible to allow compassion to arise naturally from the space of love for another? Although it seems as if what another does has nothing to do with me, but as soon as I am effected even though the action is not directed at me, I can be sure that the arrow is headed my way; except that it is not the other who pulled the bow, but myself.
Yes. It isn’t enough just to recognize err; since recognition here may bring about more self-judgment, which is only just another form of err. The prize here is in non-judgment, and by that is already being compassion for self and thus the healing happens on its own, naturally.
A teacher once told me what compassion means to him – common passion. How very true. It is indeed the common passion shared amongst everybody, which of course can only be shared at a natural state when one has had compassion for self, in any mistakes that we are willing to make amends with.