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2010, December 7

God, am I turning to You because I have found nothing here worthy as compared to You?
Or is it an escapism of all the pain and hurt that I have endured here; all that I may not find in You?
What is it that have I not tasted here – happiness, joy, abundance, anguish, anger, hatred…
None of them, my Lord, compares to You.
.
I cannot remember how You look like, my Lord.
I cannot put a face to You, and that worries me.
There is this part of me which yearns deeply for You,
missing You so deeply as if it burns a hole not in my heart, but my soul.
.
It is like crisps of fire spreading its reddish orange sparkles,
eating up a piece of paper from its middle.
And it spreads afterwards, thinning the piece of paper,
until it vanishes and evaporates into nothing.
.
Is that how You would have me be, Father?
That I may disappear?
By that, would I find You?
Will You take me back into Your embrace again and leave me no choice but to remain with You?
You have indeed given me the greatest gift – Free Will.
.
So let my Free Will be Your Will, Father.
My will is to love You.
And I choose You amidst my choices.
I bow down humbly at your feet, Your Glory, Your Greatness, Your Love.
.
Leave me not, O Lord, as it is You that I long for.

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