God, am I turning to You because I have found nothing here worthy as compared to You? Or is it an escapism of all the pain and hurt that I have endured here; all that I may not find in You? What is it that have I not tasted here – happiness, joy, abundance, anguish, anger, hatred… None of them, my Lord, compares to You. . I cannot remember how You look like, my Lord. I cannot put a face to You, and that worries me. There is this part of me which yearns deeply for You, missing You so deeply as if it burns a hole not in my heart, but my soul. . It is like crisps of fire spreading its reddish orange sparkles, eating up a piece of paper from its middle. And it spreads afterwards, thinning the piece of paper, until it vanishes and evaporates into nothing. . Is that how You would have me be, Father? That I may disappear? By that, would I find You? Will You take me back into Your embrace again and leave me no choice but to remain with You? You have indeed given me the greatest gift – Free Will. . So let my Free Will be Your Will, Father. My will is to love You. And I choose You amidst my choices. I bow down humbly at your feet, Your Glory, Your Greatness, Your Love. . Leave me not, O Lord, as it is You that I long for.