If I am loving myself, not having to rely on another to give me love, I am totally at peace with myself. And while I am loving me, I am also loving him, when he loves himself in loving the things he is doing; even if it means his attention is not on me, but on someone else or something else. I am loving to see that, because in loving him, he is too, loving me.
If I am seeing that he is loving himself when he is being with another, either a person or a thing, it is okay with me because he is loving him and loving me. But when my ideas protrude thoughts like ‘he is mine’ or ‘he shouldn’t do that’, I can be sure that I am headed for trouble – my own suffering.
When I don’t question my thoughts or my ideas, I continue to dwell in my suffering. Although I may try to resist it or elevate myself from my suffering – I know better; I want to swim in it, bathe myself in it and literally be it if I could – so that I could feed my addictive pattern of being a victim. You see, in being a victim, I am somebody. And it is nice to be somebody, because that would mean I exist and that I am important – whether or not it is a victim role I take on.
I fail to see, that even when I am using these tricks for my ‘existence’ to prove my ‘importance’, I am fooling no one not to see that I don’t exist and am not important. The truth is because I am thinking that way, because of some weird, unwholesome and unquestioned idea that I have at the back of my mind, I am believing that I really don’t exist and I am not important and gosh, how I hate that!
But if I were to come back to myself, and really look into myself, I’d realize that it was only me in need of something that I had perceived someone else could give me. In fact, it is not even really ‘me’ in need but an idea of needing.
If ideas are the ones that are making me feel this way, then who is the one running my life? Is it me? Or ideas? If it is truly me in charge of my life, then how is it that I am needing or relying on someone else to love me or to fulfill my needs? And if ideas were the ones who were running my life, then I must be in awed because all my life, I have lived ‘under control’ thinking that everything that I’ve done, said or thought of was from me, me and me! How ironically insane! Me not being me, me not living my life!
As I begin to question the thought system I am having, I realize that I never had to ‘exist’. The ‘existence’ which I thought I needed to ‘exist’ was merely an idea which needed to ‘exist’ out of ignorance. Once I’ve met with it and faced it lovingly – it disappears, also lovingly. And in that space, need I say more, is just continuous lovingness.
So if I am truly appreciating myself – whether I exist or not, whether I am important or not – I am already loving myself. And in that space, I exist in a non-existential way and don’t exist in an existential way. Now, isn’t that a wonderment! I am neither this, not that! And it is freeing! I cannot even begin to describe the joy! And oooh, everything… everything is just loving as I am loving because everything just is …… It is indescribable…