I never wondered what went on an ex’s mind until quite recently. Being an ex to someone myself, I never really investigated my intentions of thoughts, speech or actions; also until recently. I am wondering, when two people part, must it always be in a sense of resentment. Can a separation or a departure be of peace, for the love of oneself and another?
It’s hard. Because how could a break-up be merry? Even if it was by means of mutual consent, some resentment lingers on, waiting to be unleashed as and when – whether in rage, or in revenge. Both can come in different forms; with gentleness or harshness or furiousness. All depends on the ‘plan’ seeded in the head of the one being broken up with. Usually, the victim is someone who has been left in a relationship. Nevermind the storylines because they are all the same – all borrowed and recycled. If we are trying to tell ourselves, “no, my story with him or her is different” then we are just headed further into our ignorance, farther away from the truth.
Coming from a broken family myself, I would tend to work harder on making my relationship or marriage work; coming from an angle of a potential adulterous myself, I would tend to keep a tighter view of a hawk eye on my partner. Is it really my partner who cannot be trusted? Or is it me since I am aware of my own potential of being tempted, and then viewing my partner as a victim? And to curb that fear of being a victim myself, I would tend to grip him tighter so not to allow him to go astray or be tempted. Why? Because I fear the guilt I’d have to face.
Being an ex-girlfriend to many, or even a potential girlfriend-who-never-made-it to the blossoming of an official relationship, or even a girlfriend who had been literally dumped where the so-called ex-partner had fallen in love with another; what would my mental state be? I remember that each time I meet up with someone who knows any of my ex’s, I would enquire about their well-being –if they are doing well, if they are married, if they are happy with the current partners. Why? To compare! And although on the surface, I may say, “oh, I am so happy for him/her” but at the back of my mind, I am wishing that he/she would never be as happy as he/she was with me. Thus, when I do have an opportunity to connect with any of my ex, there is a tendency to behave in a more ‘superior’ way, projecting that ‘I am greater than thou’ attitude – “see, I am doing so much better without you.” It is that guilt of being left high and dry. It is that projection or reflection, whatever you call it, that reaffirms ‘how unworthy I am when you left me’.
Being in the shoes who had willingly asked for a break-up, there is too a kind of guilt. In that guilt, we constantly are concerned about the ‘victim’ whom we had broken up with – “if he/she is doing ok?”; “if he/she is already dating?”; “if he/she is happier with that person he/she is with now.” It is like, there is a certain kind of reliance to ensure that the ex partner is experiencing a better relationship with others just so to prove that it was a right move to have left him/her to justify the guilt. What nonsense!
“I” am always more important than anyone else. No matter how much I tell others I love them, or how much they tell me they love me, it is always “I” that is placed right at the top. Eventhough a relationship has been past tense for dog-gone years, “I” am still existing in the relationship in the present. How could that be when I am already happily with another? When we are reminiscing the memories of what happened, still strongly struck by the feelings that surfaces – that’s when we know we are still very much present tense to the relationship. And so my teacher asked before, when we think of something that happened yesterday, and we feel happy; were we happy yesterday or are we happy today? What you feel now is what you feel now, even if that memory were to be a zillion years ago. Thus are we living in the past, or in the present? We are here, but the mind is elsewhere – agreeing to the past stories of victimhood.
Both being dumped and dumping scenarios in a relationship are accompanied with a mentality of victimhood. Just yesterday I began to question the necessity of marriage. I was telling my teacher earlier this evening how binding this marriage thing is. When we say ‘I do’, I am not really committing to my partner but to myself that I would stay committed to this partner. But after some time, I may change my mind! This is indeed the nature of the mind! But because of the ‘binding contract’ in a marriage, or in my mind so to speak, I ‘suffer’ in silence and day dream about the possibilities of being with another in my mind. As if, that is not another form of adultery.
We are all victims in our own minds. In truth, nothing requires our commitment, whether to another person or thing and vice versa. So what is this big deal about parting with another except ideas which disallow our freedom to love and let go freely? As much as this, I am not preaching that people should not get married or should get a divorce or should go ahead and have an affair. What I am trying to say is that the only person we truly need to be committed to, is ourselves – the beingness in us – never having to betray our true self. In that state, no one can move or shake us – not a man, not a woman, not a marriage, not a break-up, not even an adultery.