In an example where you desired to find someone to love you, your desire undoubtedly reflects that you do not feel loved now and believe that no one cares much about you. Discover the heart-closing thoughts by which you create this sense of not being loved or cared for, such as “No one will ever love me,” “No one wants me so there must be something wrong with me, ” and “I must have bad judgment because everyone I get involved with turns out to be insensitive and uncaring.” Such thoughts are, of course, a reflection of you and how you treat yourself as being unworthy of love and how you are insensitive and uncaring of yourself. As long as you entertain fantasies of find the special someone who will finally love and care for you, you will be caught in a never-ending quest since whomever you find will reflect your present unloving thinking about yourself and will seem to treat you the same way you treat yourself – unlovingly. To undo the cause of this desire, therefore, it is imperative to discover the specific thoughts by which you close your heart to yourself and recognise that you believe them and act on them, thereby reinforcing the unloving reality that they create and of which you complain. Since the true source of your unhappiness is your own heart-closing thoughts, only by becoming disidentified and nonattached to them will you discover the Love you already are. When your heart opens to yourself, your experience of others will transform and they will be more loving as well. Until then, you will continue to experience your unlovingness reflected back to you in others.
~ Excerpts from Purifying the Heart by John Goldthwait, Ph.D ~