Journaling Truth

Although on the surface, everything seems fine, the inner world is what we truly experience as real. So constantly and unconsciously that at every moment in time, whenever we see a ‘body’ out there, we are either seeking approval or something else from another. It could be a simple sms, which did not require an acknowledgment, and yet the mind wanders off, wandering… “eh, how come he/she never reply one?”

Is there a need to reply an sms when all that one sends in a text are merely expressions? As what BiBoo said in the comment of my previous entry, we look like we are talking to each other, but in truth, we are just talking to ourselves – verbalizing our internal talk. It is like those people you see in asylums, or in the midst of getting caught up in work. They start talking to themselves and we label them as ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’.

The truth is that we are all mad. But on another level, that too, is an illusion when we are finally aware of our immersion with the automated programmes running in the mind. There are two inner worlds that are struggling within ~ one that sees the truth and the other that lives the lie.

Yesterday I went through some saved chats I had with some friends. As I read through consciously, I realised how easily we misinterpret or misunderstand each other. I’m sure you know how it is, words flying across the chat rooms without stopping.. sometimes it is confusing until someone decides to stop a while and wait for the other to finish talking. And yet, even if that person has or has not, we wouldn’t know.. because that person does not say so unless we ask. So it is always in our guessing, and for that the possibility of interruptions and misunderstanding each other is so high.

Another thing I realised about myself was this. I like silence, but yet fear of it. That is why I talk a lot, even in chats. I just type on, not paying full attention to what is being presented to me because I am afraid of the silence which could potentially arise. And I cannot allow that silence to come up, especially when I deem there is a ‘body’ out there communicating with me, because that would trigger discomfort in me – all learning from a delusional idea, the wrong perception from the observations of past experiences. So you see how the mind is always chattering. At least in my case. Even when we see a quiet person, we perceive that the person is peaceful and has nothing much to say thus conclude he must have a peaceful mind. Check with him deeper, and he will reveal that it is not so… there are many, many chattering in the mind, only that he did not take the path to externalise it.

Sometimes it comes to the extent that there is really nothing to say because you will never get what I mean and I will never get what you mean. When I think I get what you mean, it is only because what I think you are saying is what I think resonating with what I think it is. In truth, I may never be sure if that is what you mean for words that come out from you are going into my ears and my mind, which are then interpreted by the old programming which still runs.

It’s hard to shake this off. But it is only hard because we judge. Although self-awareness is important, what’s more important – according to my experience and my teacher’s repeated teachings – is our attitude towards it, and our choice to consciously choose again.

In truth, nothing has happened. It was all a dream. It was just our imagination. It was just an illusion, which we had unconsciously took it as real… opps… ;p

Tags: innertalks