Past few weeks I had been diligently editing my teacher’s entries for his work. From the first time I ‘officially’ took on the job, I felt a kind of flow through me while reading and editing his entry. There was a sort of clarity and surety in it which I am unable to express or put into words. It’s as if, the work is not done by me – or as if, the understanding that came to me, was not from me, but through me. It was as if too, because of my willingness to play the role of supporting my teacher or rather more of the work that he was and still doing, I got roped into the Wisdom flow.
The experiences I had were joyful. With reflections as gratitude and appreciation coming back, it was not hard to start the process of ‘clinging on’, unconsciously. Who doesn’t like to be appreciated, or be gratified… and most importantly, be ‘rewarded’ with the flow of Wisdom? At least I know I do.
And for that, I unconsciously held on to the experience which gave birth to expectations. This hanging on to the experience of Wisdom flowing through me to allow my understanding of my teacher’s articles (so that I could rightfully edit or proofread his work so per se) was a new kind of thrill for me, or more truthful – to the ego. To the extent that since the past few entries, I had noticed a ‘disconnected-ness’ from the flow of Wisdom; as if Wisdom had left me thus making me feel as if I was in a dumb state. I could not really understand what he was trying to convey in the entries which inevitably hit the button of unworthiness. It was a vicious cycle, and a cycle that I had unconsciously rode on. There was much self-judgment at this stage. I also became somewhat miserable.
Soon today, as I was speaking to Angel, I suddenly realised that I was attached to the experience of having Wisdom flow through me to edit or proofread my teacher’s work. It was of no surprise to me, although now it is my ignorance that is revealed. I was not mindful. Fullstop. Nothing to it, and for that I ‘suffer’ the consequences of the ‘attachment’ albeit it was nothing physical or tangible to it.
It is ironinc to learn that to have something, we need to let it go. To desire of it, and yet harp on it is to bring an end to what we desire. Thus the saying, ‘Let Go’. And then we ask ourselves, what is it that we have to let go? What if we let go, and it never comes back? And that is the gift of it – the learning of trust and surrender. Having said that, it is always easier said than that. But what is truly important is not the experience of having Wisdom flow through me (in the context of this story, that is), but the peace of mind that allowed me to see that the hanging on to this experience was causing my suffering – a sort of mini self-bashing session I was quietly going through in my space. It’s silly. And now that I realise it, it is comical; and yet that silliness has brought me to another revelation. So how could that be silly, but a wise connotation?
Wisdom has never left me except my own blocks that disallow me to access it, or rather for it to access through me. It is never about the Ancient Masters not coming to me, but my own inability to lift up the barrier between us. And so here, I trust that whatever I experience from moment to moment is my entitlement, and I surrender whatever wilful desire to His plans. As my daily lesson today in ACIM depict – Only God’s plan for salvation will work. Mine will never work, for the ego’s plan for salvation will always be one that hovers around grievances. And again, as quoted in ACIM for my daily lesson few days ago – My grievances hide the light of the world in me.
And in truth, I am the light, for I am too the beacon. And if I were to continue to be the beacon, then I must remain the light that is within me.