I begin to realise how very often we take each other’s presence for granted. Today, as I was getting ready to board the aircraft to HK all on my own for the very first time, a question popped in my head ‘What if we never meet again?’ Since there was still time, I sat down and wrote a text message of gratitude and love to my loved ones. Forgive me if you did not receive this message as I wasn’t sure if you would take it the right way. No, please, don’t forgive me for that as there is nothing to forgive there. Instead, forgive me for not trusting you enough to be ready to receive such a message from me. My bad, my bad…
Although I already had some sort of expectations on the responses I would receive after sending out that particular message, still I felt a sense of surprise upon receiving them. Those replies went, “Are you ok?”; “Are you not coming back?”; “Why you say like that?” I could imagine what went on in their heads. It’s like a sudden wake up call, “What if we really, never meet again?”; “What if that was the last time we’d ever see each other again?”; “What if that was the last time for us to hug?”; “Is that to be the last time I’d tell the person I love him/her?” And it boils down to guilt -> guilt of “have I said or done enough?”; “have I given enough?”; “have I loved and appreciated enough?”; even “have I been loved and appreciated enough?”
And it is heartwarming to also receive reciprocal replies! Like, “I love you too!” What I could only sense from this space is a sense of mutual respect, gratitude and love. It’s as if, the friendship or relationship is being lived moment by moment to the fullest, hence its tank is always full and thus, could we conclude, that we have given and received what is blessedly entitled to you and me?
Nothing is ever enough for the ego, so to speak. But the mind will always need a sort of completion. And that inspired me to make that expression to my loved ones. I will never know what would happen. To constantly pray for the safety of my family, loved ones or even myself while away from them (at this moment, that is) is deviating my attention to something beyond my control, and away from what is there for me in the present. As if I would know if I did die today, it would not be for my highest good. Like I said, I will never know.
And if I am fully present to each and every of my relationships, no guilt could penetrate as evident from the several relationships that I had experienced. No guilt! Just mutual respect, love & gratitude. So there cease the egoic relationship and emerges a spiritual relationship where learning is made possible with mutual respect and support without ever overextending or underextending ourselves.
I wanted my loved ones to know how much I love them, and how much I appreciate their presence in my life.. that I am so grateful for the lessons that I’ve learnt through them. I wish to say that I am at peace. Nevermind that no one knew or understood me, for today I have understood myself and that is all that matters.
To put it into words more real to my experience, I felt as if “I” am dying inside. From moment to moment, as we come closer to the Truth, a little bit of the old “I” dies, with the reborn of another. We die slowly, withering the false self for the True Authentic Self to emerge.
As what dear Paul Ferrini shares in his book,
“Once you enter truth, the ego dies, for it can get no foothold. But the ego is not assassinated. It dies into truth. It surrenders. It is not a painful act, but an ecstatic one.”
~ excerpts from Illuminations on the Road to Nowhere by Paul Ferrini ~
And so I surrender myself and my loved ones to the Spirit who knows it all. That each moment as “I” die, I am reborn again in Spirit.
And for that, as “I” die, we may really, never meet again; but as and when we meet again, we will meet in Spirit, in essence, and in Love.