The other day I was having a chat with one of my teachers over Skype. He commented how much I had grown in my journey and that I was resonating with his teachings. At that moment, although I was sure he was right, there was sheer shyness obviously stemming from the sense of unworthiness. The praise I would say did ‘make my day’ although constant thoughts of doubt filled my head too. My teacher, noticing my silence and, understanding the mind too well, reminded me to ignore the ego talks.
After that conversation, I felt a little elated and a little proud. I excitedly told hubby what my teacher had said and hubby too, acknowledged the same. At that moment, I wondered… how would he (hubby) know that I had grown? And then I realize the sense of doubt had surfaced again.
At this stage, self-inquiry has become a natural process for me. It was always a matter a time when this process sets in for the right understanding to surface. I questioned the mixed emotions; pretty sure that it was all of egoic nature, or rather unconscious projection at play.
And soon, I realized…
I did not dare to acknowledge my own growth – this failure to acknowledge myself had put me in an inferior position, seeking approval or acknowledgement from the outside. And once I get that from the outside, I became somewhat superior! However, that superiority did not last when plays of doubt set in. It just could not surpass that inferiority because that superiority was merely a swing from one end of the pendulum from the other end. Get what I mean?
And yet, I cannot deny that I have indeed grown. Even Angel commented that the contents of my blog entries are somewhat different from the past. Being true to myself, I realized that my understanding had heightened to the extent that I could edit my teacher’s work with a kind of clarity and surety. I clearly understands what he is writing – even having the courage to correct his sentences to put out what he means clearer. Previously when I was bestowed such tasks, I would just proofread per se. Just grammatical errors if you know what I mean, not having the guts to question, suggest or say anything at all simply because I wasn’t really sure if I understood what he was writing!! And I assure you, what my teacher writes is D-E-E-P! Now, I could put in words; suggest another way to present what he means and etc. That, to me, is real progress in my journey.
So having realized my own progress, and finally acknowledging myself for it, I came to peace with myself.
How did I know?
On Thursday, I went up to Ipoh with my teacher and a few friends. During our mum-mum time, my teacher mentioned once again to one of our friends that I was one of his fastest growing students from the centre. Another accompanying friend acknowledged that. I kept quiet and watched the mind. I did not feel anything. I did not feel elated, or shy, or even in doubt. It was strange, but I knew. I was impartial to that statement because I had already acknowledged myself for it. I did not need anyone out there to acknowledge me in that way anymore. In fact, I never needed any acknowledgement from anyone, except myself. Although having said that, I still appreciate your expression, teacher!! *winks*
It is easy to tell ourselves or other people that whatever that we have ever needed is within, and that in truth, we don’t really ‘need’ anything from anyone out there. But until the experience is true to me, then I could vouch for it. And now, I can vouch for it.
I used to be pretty upset when people misunderstand my blog entries too. When I write, I write from the space of truth – my experience of truth, that is – and my intentions are purely to share, or to remind myself; but somehow I would receive comments telling me not to think so much, not to be sad, angry or upset… and that life is simply too short! As if I belonged to some mental hospital!!
Oh, if you only knew the Truth! And really, I am just jotting down what I’ve learned and what I’ve experienced… not upset, or angry or sad, or depressed.
But that aside. That is not what I was getting at. What I am getting at is this; I am no longer effected by other people’s comments on my blog… I finally understand them, because I have understood myself. And, this understanding liberates me.
(reply contributed by BiBoo)
The mind is always talking. And at times verbalizing it. Your teacher’s verbalized comment is only his own internal talk. Not that he is right or wrong but that internal talk is his internal business. And you have your own talk too, and thus becomes your internal business. In fact all of us have, talking to ourselves ALL the time.
Then suddenly we are happy that people are talking to us or about us. But do they? Or are they talking about what is in their head?
We thought people are talking to us. We thought we are talking to people. Watch the mind and you will find a revelation that will dismay and yet awe you.
They say talk is cheap and GG even said it is free! The talk is not as important as what we truly feel about ourselves, irrelevant what our teacher, our enemy or our beloved said about us.
That is where our peace lies. To succumb to other’s statement is liken to changing our head for others – we lose ourselves in that process.