Her story of a Relationship turned Defiled

Let me tell you of a story.

There was once a seeker, who became a student to a teacher. The teacher focused on the teachings of Great Masters, rather than of the Great Masters themselves. This student felt much gratitude towards the teacher for because of his teaching, she has learnt and embarked on her own inner journey. Much reward was reaped in her own journey because of her own willingness, her thirst for Truth and her need for clarity. In that, it was born within her, a love for Wisdom.

Not that there were no other channels for interaction in her space, but she quickly identified her teacher, as a symbol of Wisdom. She had perceived that it was through him, that Wisdom would come to her. She consciously knew that her teacher was merely a symbol, a quality she fell in love with; but what she unconsciously was not aware of, was that she had taken his form as real. It was most astonishing, because specialness came into play. From a pure and sincere connection for the love of Wisdom, the relationship turned into one of defilement.

Thankful to her past wisdom, she was able to observe the jealousy and comparison both arising in her space. From a loving and wisdom-growing relationship she had with her teacher, which in truth, had nothing to do with others had became one of defiled where jealousy and comparison were present each time some others mentioned their relationship with her teacher. She wondered, “How could this be? No problem then, understanding then, peace then; what has happened now?”

One day, she listened to her teacher and he shared that he was ascending. She had never experienced a Master ascending to the next level as a student though she had heard much of it. Although she understood that as her teacher would ascend, so would she; she wondered still of how she would experience this. She failed to see that he was merely reflecting her growth and her own ascend as well; and that it could only be good news to her teacher, and her too.

She was patient with what came up within her. And it was a sheer unconscious state she was in when she bought into the storyline threw upon her. She started to feel afraid, betrayed and abandoned. She thought that what she shared with her teacher was beyond, and yet projections were showing her how defiled the meaning she had put onto her connection with her teacher. She had become attached to her teacher, idolized her teacher for something that served her – Wisdom – something she thought could only come to her through her teacher. Something that her teacher kept reminding, it is not the Buddha or Jesus to be idolized, but the teachings to be realized; and though it was not the Buddha or Jesus she had idolized, it was her teacher, in whom she had idolized – attached to the form of which she thought was the way she could access Wisdom.

She was worried and afraid that as her teacher ‘leaves’, specialness would cease – so would Wisdom. As if Wisdom could ever leave her… but then again, where is Wisdom when specialness is in play? She was indeed swimming in defilements, in the pool of ignorance.

Love led her to another dear teacher of hers, who reflectively showed her she needed no form. Of course, it was a hard lesson, accompanied with heart aches, with tears of bucket; and yet in this pain, it led her to question once again, what was it that she wanted. She was off tangent to what she had initially set intentions to seek, swayed away from the path. But then again, what is in a journey but willful lessons to be learned and to transcend. The questioning brought her back to herself. She remembered what it was that had brought her to where she was, and in the midst of moments, she remembered what it was that she truly wanted.

‘Letting go’ and ‘Detachment’ sounded pretty scary to a mind which has not yet understand the true meaning of it. It is not about giving up anything, but about transcending the ‘attachment’ so to speak. It is seeing the Truth of the way things are, instead of through the defiled lenses of the mind.

So it was a conscious choice of detachment, though in sub-conscious, it was reflected back to her, the fear of letting go. And yet, in Wisdom, she knew she was not letting go of her teacher, or his teachings, but merely the attachment or rather, her meaning to the form, which represented a symbol of Wisdom to her – her interaction of Wisdom. The thing was, why did she need a symbol, when Wisdom has always been within? It was time to start listening within, to stand on her own, in her inner authority as her teacher puts it, without reliance on forms – or else she would have failed as her teacher’s student, and thus failed herself. To honor herself, is to honor her teacher. You see, her teacher is her and so is she, her teacher; so if her teacher is Wisdom, surely she must realize that she too, is Wisdom – only contained in an illusionary form.

And here she is, experiencing the separation anxiety, a depression which she has already been cushioned that she would experience. What is required is only courage, and trust; the continuous remembering of the Truth in her journey. The pain may be immense, and yet, it is for her to take responsibility; if she was to grow, if she was to stay true to herself. Her past wisdom has led her to her present practice, and yet it will be her present ignorance (for which without, she would not have needed to go through this lesson), that would surface her to a new level of wisdom. Not that Wisdom has levels, but any form of trials, or lessons, or experience is only to undo what has been done.

I am choosing to love her in her current state of pain. I am choosing to embrace her for her errs and her inner strength to take responsibility. Together with the pain she feels, I am too filled with much love for her. How could it be otherwise, when she is Love, and so am I.


  1. The most important here is that the issues have been acknowledged and from there; it is taking responsibility for one’s feelings. That’s where inner authority comes into play.

    No one ever said this journey would be easy, right?

    1. Definitely. Let us not forget…

      Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.

      – A Course In Miracles

  2. I have climbed highest mountain
    I have run through the fields
    Only to be with you
    Only to be with you

    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

    I have spoke with the tongue of angels
    I have held the hand of a devil
    It was warm in the night
    I was cold as a stone

    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

    I believe in the kingdom come
    Then all the colors will bleed into one, bleed into one
    Well yes, I’m still running
    You broke the bonds and you loosed the chains
    Carried the cross of my shame, of my shame
    You know I believed it

    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
    But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

  3. The forms play their own game
    The livings their own
    The deads their own too.

    Wisdom with wisdom
    Ignorance with ignorance
    Bodies with bodies
    Love can only see love
    Hate, only hate.
    Have you not notice?

    If one who hates see love in others
    You can be sure he is no longer hating
    For love can only meet love

    How can it be otherwise?
    How can it be otherwise?

    Birds of the same
    comes together
    have you seen it otherwise?

    Tell me what in the world that it can be otherwise
    And I name you those that think they are
    Not that they think it can be

    The wise can only, with the wise
    The fools, with the fools
    The goats, with goats
    Politics, with politics
    Religionist, with religionist
    It cannot be otherwise

    If you think it can be so
    Then I say they THINK they are
    A goat THINKS he is a rabbit when he starts joining with rabbits
    Not that the communion makes him a rabbit
    But rather his thinking makes him join the communion
    It cannot be otherwise

    Only one who finally realized he is neither this nor that
    That he no longer need another to be with

    Otherwise the journey HAVE to continue
    A politician think he is religious and thus mix them up
    Isn’t that the same in the opposite?
    What I think I will be led to

    Can I tell ‘must not idolize’,
    When I idolize, except different things?
    Can I tell ‘there is no body’,
    When I see myself, a body?
    How can it be otherwise?

    So dear, it is not your fault, nor is it the fault of thinking
    It is just nature doing its work
    Thinking leads accordingly
    Wisdom leads accordingly
    Ignorance leads accordingly
    Not one is better than the other
    For it is just nature of such
    How then can it be otherwise?

    So don’t get it wrong
    That the teacher has to be distanced
    The student has to repent
    For it is not in the bodies
    But in the thinking
    There is nothing to move to
    Nothing to move away
    Except the illusion of thoughts and ideas that spring forms

    Ideas meeting ideas
    Thoughts with thoughts
    Bondage with bondage
    Freedom with freedom

    Thus choose to incline to one
    Not through thinking
    And soon a path is charted…

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