So here I am, was. Why am, because I am, still; why was, because I was, then.
I haven’t been writing these days. Not that there was or is no realizations, or information blessed into the abyss of my mind, just that I felt not any need to write, as if contented just for it to stay within me, rather than expressing it out. I used to write whenever it came, never forgoing a chance just in case I’d forget and it did come to a point in time where if I didn’t write, I’d have a big headache. “Therein lays your fear of forgetting!” said one of my teachers. And then so naturally I began to let go.
Since my guardian angel has gone back to her hometown for more than 3 weeks now, I’d been playing the game of being a housewife. Cleaning, scrubbing, ironing, washing – they didn’t seemed hard, yet in the midst of enjoying these activities, I did begin to wonder how mundane the idea of such activities compared to the once upon a time idea of that I must have a more noble purpose in life – and whatever it was and is, surely a much greater purpose than just a contented housewife! I felt that I was not more spiritual than anybody who was not already on their journey. I was just like a mediocre, more real – a human.
The truth was and is that, I did feel pleased, and truly appreciated the experiences of cleaning the house, mending the dogs and my little girl personally. My hands had never touched so much water ever since I moved into this fortress, and yet, 3 weeks now from the time that she had gone home, my hands are still nice to touch by my standards. And I recall the little rainbows created right before my eyes when the sunlight reflects upon the water that gushes out from the pipe that quenches the thirst of my trees, plants and grass when I water my garden. So, so beautiful… And as mundane and routine as the activity can be, each movement, sight, smell and everything that came into the experience was as spiritual as it can be under the separated judgmental context of ‘being spiritual’.
“What is the difference?” my teacher jokingly asked me when I told him how human I felt, and how I agree with him that when staying present to each experience happening in the Now, it is as Godly as it gets, and God is experienced everywhere in it; within and without.
Am I done? Oh no, not yet… and how would I know? When I am triggered of something that I do still perceive not of God, of what reality is. But, what is God? Is it really reality? As it is? Many have tried to interpret it, yet no words or description can ever define what or who is God. Still, we seem to know of something mystical of this ‘thing’ called God – it touches and kisses the heart so fondly and sweetly.
There is no one time that I am what I think I am, although I seem to be doing a function or playing a role that the society has labeled, nor am I not what I think I am not of which I do not fulfill a purpose which the society has tagged. I am only what He has created me, only as Him, for Him – whatever that of what He is.