Integrity is to mean the ability to stand true to our own space and be truthful to ourselves, without having to seek approval from others. It takes much courage and strength to take the first step the first time, and thereafter there is bound to be a second time and a third and a forth and many, many times more. But each time we are not careful or rather conscious, the tendency to fall back into the space of approval seeking is high.
Integrity comes with honesty with oneself. And in honesty, the quality of being direct is accompanied. As I mentioned in my earlier entry, being direct can be construed as being harsh, depending on how it is being perceived by another; and of course, our initial intention of communication too. It is a two-way thing. I cannot perceive what I do not have, and I cannot be perceived and then be triggered of what I had not given out.
In my earlier entry Being Direct, I mentioned that if I was perceived as harsh in being direct, it is not my problem. However, if I am triggered by the perceived behavior of being harsh, especially so from a loved one; I may tend to express myself with much softness or with much compassion so that my message may accommodate to the needs of another in order for the message to be received with much acceptance. But then again, how can truth be camouflaged with anything that I do not have at that moment? And I mean to say, that if that point in time, if gentleness or compassion is not my state, how could I pretend it? So what is it in for me when I try to pretend to be something or someone that I am not? Approval. Thus, subtly I am being drawn into the ambush of seeking approval once again when I am not conscious of my state at that moment. Would that tantamount to integrity?
As I later shared my experiences during a sharing session last night, I asked my fellow friends whether we ought to speak or just shut-up in such situation. Obviously they had the same thoughts as me, if I felt like speaking, then speak – for what I say could very well be a reminder or a ‘key’ to the ignition to the other. But when I questioned them again, what is the point of saying when we know that what we say will be rejected and at the end we’d be triggered by it anyway? They all kept quiet, as if in the strange dilemma I previously was in a recent incident.
And the answer is simple. To convey, and not convince; as when we convey the message, or rather our message at that point in time, we are simply putting across the possibility of truth to the others and whether they choose to listen or accept what is being communicated, is still entirely their choice. It is after all, their entitlement of space and who are we not to respect that? Conveying a message comes with much freedom. It is as if our role is just to relay the message and full stop. No expectations is needed, no agreement is needed to the point that even if the other’s opinion or views seem to differ, there is peace, natural acceptance and love in that space. However, when we convince, especially when we are holding on strongly to what we are about to communicate and to have the person see it from our point of view, there accompanies a subtle energy of attack even though the initial intentions behind are genuine. So a true intention from the space of love can anytime turn to one of defilement when we want the others to agree with us, failing which leads to the uneasiness of the conversation between two people.
My wonderful beloved friend reminded me that it is about balancing, and I couldn’t agree more, and it seems that at that point in time of communication, it is important to check our intentions before expressing what is to be said as the ball of energy bounces to and fro between two people in a conversation. Especially so due to the nature of vulnerability that is present in most relationships, it is even a thinner line to thread for at any point in time when one is not conscious or aware of their own mind states resulting in both parties being triggered, the relationship may be at stake to the point that resentment hovers at the background only waiting for time to be unleashed if not addressed from the point of wisdom.
I seek pardon from my beloved ones during the times when I have been unconscious and may have seemed harsh, though what is more important is that I forgive myself for missing the mark during my unconscious moments. I am grateful to my mirrors who show me areas yet to be polished so that the unwholesome can be wholesome, in the continuous journey towards innocence and Home.