The other day, I saw how the mind is always in a pattern of inadequacy. It is as if, I am not good enough for anything, not even a parking space; which is why, even when I am blessed with a spot to park the vehicle, the mind will constantly be worried if some motorist will scratch the vehicle, or if a parking summon would be issued.
I understand how some questions of legality may be posted, and this is not really the point that I am stressing. It is the indication behind these thoughts which was simply insidious. And to make matters worse, conditions had to be set, the lines drawn to determine the parking space, how the vehicle is parked, the lookout for any traffic police for approval all defines and ensures something in me whether I did the ‘right’ thing or not. And if I did do something ‘right’ in accordance with the law imposed, then I am ‘good’. This pattern is so deeply ingrained in the mind that anytime when I am unconscious, I am caught in its dramas, believing as experienced and the mind will find proof (as if the parking space story is not enough) to validate further how true that I am not good enough.
Not good enough for this and not good enough for that; and it is so so subtle now that it seems like a whisper instead of loud notorious thoughts like before. And each thought ignored or bought into, creates a magnitude of what is presently here in the mind into the next moment and it builds up like a snowball awaiting for explosion.
I’ve come to see that it is important to let it ‘speak’ and allow it, but not buy into it. In that sense, some sort of compassion accompanies as if listening to a dear friend sharing his or her ‘sorrowful’ story. And my job is just to listen to it, and be there for it until the radio is tuned down on its own.
What has already arisen or is arising has to be acknowledged and not brushed away. One can choose to surrender without shunting it away, that is. And this is a pretty hard balance to strive because if one truly sees that it is simply the nature of the mind playing out, one can let it just be, and be with it totally and fully without the wanting to change even a thing. And of course, if one sees meaninglessness in it, one can use to switch his or her experience too by applying positive affirmation. Positive affirmation only works when one has fully accepted what has arisen. As a loved one reminded me the other day, whatever feeling that has arisen is already an effect and what is it that we choose to experience in the next moment?
And to question it – am I really not good enough – is too somewhat useful. But if the mind has set its motion towards that direction of inadequacy, at times it doesn’t want to be question. Of course, what is more true is the sincere intention behind the questioning, is it truly to understand what is going on in the mind, or to get out of the feeling with the idea that inquiry can break a certain pattern in the mind? While inquiry does in a way, cease the conditioned pattern that is currently playing out it still depends on the will of the question; as nothing is more important than possessing that willingness and sincerity in wanting to know the truth of the situation.
If you go deeper into the abyss of the mind, you will find that most ideas are almost pre-historic and all the same old stuffs recycling itself – whether in me or in you – and most of these ideas carry a quality of lack and insufficiency in it – not good enough for a job I love, not good enough for car park spaces, not good enough for a million bucks, not even good enough to have a companion… generated by records and learnings of the past, some of which is beyond the conscious memory of the mind. The good news here is that each time we make the right effort to ‘deal’ with it now, we are already dealing with all of the past and also the future.
So it is indeed a constant exercise to remain conscious of what is going on in the mind. Unlike an immersion of a standard 2-hour movie, this immersion with the mind can be a lifetime and many more.