Do you realise that when you have finally come to the point of extreme frustrations and being fed-up of living a life which is not true to you, and you start doing what you are moved, there is some sort of freedom accompanying? Though in many instances, there may be objections from loved ones or others, you just kinda go on with what you wish to do anyway? Recognising that there is no one out there, all just merely mirrors, especially those of ideas that bind, you just kinda acknowledge them and say, “yeah, I hear you, and thanks!” and continue plodding along the path. Eventually, due to the sincerity you have within and towards yourself, everything just kinds of fall in place; even when met with obstacles along the way, they are met with much acceptance and strength; that is, if the mind is clear of its intentions.
One may ponder on the word ‘fed up’ being contorted to some negativity but indeed arising from this – courage and strength bestowed is given birth and hence this ‘negativity’ ceases to be negative but a gift. Persistence becomes a natural ability and any challenges are viewed as opportunities to grow.
A beloved shared with me last night that he wishes to go out on a date with an opposite sex as he wishes to connect with that part of himself which he felt he has yet to find, also with another – a kindred spirit. Yet, there is a part of him that feels weary, guilty and fears it because of his certain societal status and unquestioned belief system. He revealed later that if any of his family members or close friends was to bump into them, he might not know what to say or do at that juncture and it struck him upon this answer he gave to himself, how he is so unsure of himself and his intentions even before the date has arrived. As I probed further, it was indeed the fear of how others will see him wrong in his act as his honesty gave way. Remembering the world reflects only him and no one would judge him if he wasn’t judging himself did assure him that he is indeed the player of his own game. But perhaps what is more true is that he is unclear of himself of why he is moved to do certain things and until that is clear to him, if that is what he still wish to do; any comment that was to hit his ears, there is a big possibility that he might just acknowledge with a smile and move on with his life.
From this conversation, I remember many instances in my life when I did things out of which I was warned not to. Coming from a background where I have always been unsure of what I ought to do with my life, I always listened – to be safe, obedient, approved and loved – you know, the security blanket. Until I was very clear of what I wanted, willing to forgo whatever security that I had illusionary held on to and some examples here include moving out of my parents, acquiring a property on my own, quitting my beloved job for the child and even, in embracing my very own spiritual journey, life has enfolded for me in way which was full of surprises. It was as if the minute I made up my mind of what is important and true to me, though I had to justify my actions or decisions to someone out there; for the sake of appeasing others or for the sake of a conversation; but whatever that came to my hearing – pleasant or not – was simply acknowledged and released as I determinedly followed my heart. Though some experiences I might say were short-lived, again due to the personality of always backing out from myself, but I cannot say that those moves that I decided to make for myself, leaving others out, had not brought me growth and thereby joy. As much as visible results are immediate whether I failed or not, in addition to occasional responses like, “I told you so!” or “can you just be normal?” They don’t really seem to bother me because I’ve lived and also understood that they were just part of the mind’s projection. Probably in some spiritual teaching, it would contort to the ego luring me to change my mind! For the love of truth, or untruth as how my beloved friend Jamesy would put it, I might investigate it for the joy of learning. But I am truly not bothered what others think especially when I am clear, or rather when the mind is clear of the path it must thread, with or without reason.
As any journey is no different though unique of each own, it comes with ups and downs. The downs are usually when the mind is confused but soon, with persistence and perseverance, the downs turns out to lift you higher. This brings much clarity and insights to the mind of which it has never seen before and in this itself is growth. At least true to me, I am grateful to every fall, although the taste isn’t quite delicious during the fall. Yet what is life without the little (or big) ups and downs? Another beloved friend of mine was complaining how boring the game in my iPhone was since he kept on winning, and it led him to see how obstacles make us growth and realise our greatness.
We are often, often trapped in the doldrums of the comfort zone, as if peeping through the cocoon is good enough. And it will have to come to that point of frustration, that ‘fed-up’-ness, ready to lose the world to gain the world in oneself.
Behind each move that treads, is a validation of some sort – that is undeniable – visible and invisible to some. Yet that need not matter for it is in experience that growth is attained, of course provided openness and the learning inquisitiveness are inherent. The ‘dare’ is not for others, but for yourself, myself and each ‘dare’ can lead to you finding yourself, whether in grief or in love – it is a ride that only you can take.
It doesn’t really matter how others perceive what is peace to you, or to them. Pointless, useless to rely or imitate others. As one of my dear teacher shared once, “the little little mokshas, will lead you to nibbana.”