Pain in separation is really just something misunderstood. The ancient thoughts carried forward up till today of ‘I am in pain’ either because of I am leaving him/her, he/she is leaving me, or we are leaving each other is always targeted at a person out there or myself.
As I looked deeper into the abyss of the mind and the meaning of leaving, I’d have to agree with Byron Katie that no one is really capable of leaving anyone. The meaning of leaving or separation is very much emphasized to a point of being misconstrued. If you take the word ‘leave’ literally, it is to describe a movement away from someplace to another; or to bring it closer to home, is to leave this place here and now to another place somewhere else. In this context, our loved ones or beloveds ‘leave’ us everyday and we are not hurt, distraught and somewhat unaffected by such movement. Yet, leaving in terms of a relationship, a place or a situation seems to carry some kind of deeper meaning beyond a physical movement and that is what upsets people about the meaning of ‘leaving’.
My previous understanding of how ‘leaving’ causes pain is because of ownership hence having that something or someone go away makes me feel that I have lost something I owned and that makes the ‘leaving’ painful and unbearable. Yet, as I looked deeper into the abyss of the mind, pretty sure that I was missing something since it cannot be about the other person ‘leaving’ me or the sense of ownership that has caused my upset, I came to see that it was the experiences or even wishful experiences to be experienced which are being hung on to in the mind.
Wishful experiences here is to mean future experiences which one wishes to experience of either of an imagined future or a similar past. An attachment to form or person happens because of the thinking or belief that only this person is able to provide that experience hence at times causing conflict to either separate or not separate with this person. It is really more of the experiences that we find it hard to seemingly let go which then translates to an attachment to the person. These experiences held on or imagined to be fulfilled by this particular person are the ones which becomes unconscious guilt in the mind thus bringing up the same upset again and again over the same thing. This also includes unconsciously linking past experiences experienced with this person hence making it unbearable when this person is seemingly ‘leaving’ us because there is a fear of not being able to experience the same kind of experiences again which is perceived that only this person can make happen.
In truth, each experience itself is unique due to different conditionings arising and each person that arrives at our space seems to bring about different experiences so to speak. Due to comparison, there is always a tendency of preference and hence when the experience is not experienced in fullness per se, and being unconsciously held on in the mind, it becomes a perpetual desire. And desires unfulfilled inevitably turn to greed and later on, anger or hatred.
Breakups become painful not because this person has left me, or I have left this person but more because there is an unconscious guilt lingering in the mind of unfulfilled wishes of experiences or a lack of appreciation for the previous experiences experienced. Again due to clever comparisons, there is a tendency to argue why the wishes were not too much to ask for or even just an innocent request just to have it once more. The victim mentality has hence naturally arisen due to the mentality of lack. Yet, it is through all these mental states which I can put my inquiry into to see the truth or untruth of it. That is, only if I am willing. Else, I will go on feeling threatened by this meaning of ‘leaving’ that had led me to believe how my core can always be shaken so easily.