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A Note to Kakak

The last we heard your voice, was on the anniversary of your birth date, which was only 2 weeks ago. You sounded so weak. And for the first time, she cried. You know how she is… always a toughie… but she cried, because she heard you over the phone, and she was really, really worried. There was nothing we could do, except to calm ourselves to acknowledge the situation and wishfully send out prayers to you-know-who. We wished for your wellness, peace and happiness, in whichever ways it may come to you.

As I reread our previous few text messages exchanged, I noticed that my tears fell like raindrops recalling a message where you mentioned you really missed us. Did you know, we missed you very, very much too? We think about you a lot and also talk about you sometimes. Now, I will never get the chance to experience you teaching me how to cook ABC soup the way she likes it. No matter how hard I try, she said that the one you cook is still the best. Just a few days ago, I was feeling tired. Really feeling tired for holding up and managing everything at home without you. You were such a great part of this family.

The other day, I told her about you wanting to come back to us after the Raya celebrations. She was very, very excited! But I relayed the reality to her that you are still unwell to come back and that even if you come back, we would still have to bring you to the doctors for checkups. She said that it is not a problem because I can fetch you. I smiled at her innocence. And I reminded her that caring for you will also mean that additional money will be spent on your care. Without a thought, she said, “its ok mommi, you can take some of my money”. I asked her why she would do that. Without hesitation, she simply assured, “Mommi, that is what families do.”

Do you see, you are part of her family. You are part of our family. You are our family.

It’s very, very strange. We knew that this is a good thing for you… because you are now free from the body, free from the experience of sufferings, free from the storylines and finally remembering who you truly are. And yet, the heart aches so, so badly. Have I ever told you how grateful I am to you? For all that you have done for us? For all that you are to us? Have I ever told you how much we love you? I am sure I did, knowing me. But, did you believe me and receive me fully? I know you. You will believe me. You are surely worthy, no matter what you think you are.

I have never experienced this storyline before. But it doesn’t feel any different from a broken heart. Except that this time, the heart is not broken, but whole – swelling with so much love for you, for the type of relationship and bond that we had shared during our 8 years together. That appreciation could not contain within itself; it just had to express itself through what seems like an endless flow of tears. Trust me, I will look ugly tomorrow. But I know you won’t mind, and I can see you smiling back at me, saying, “nevermind la, ma’am”. And that image, which just appeared in my mind, would wet my eyes even more…

I am honoured to have met you, and lived with you for some 8 years. I am proud to have introduced and referred you as my guardian angel whenever there is an opportunity. I am privileged to taste the extent of your love, kindness and friendship. So had been the little one so blessed, to have been cared by you since she was barely 2 years old. And your ever willingness to support the family whenever they requested. You are just like that – an unconditional loving guardian angel. Did you know that?

It’s been a long day without you, my friend. And I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.

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