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2010, December 7

God, am I turning to You because I have found nothing here worthy as compared to You?
Or is it an escapism of all the pain and hurt that I have endured here; all that I may not find in You?
What is it that have I not tasted here ā€“ happiness, joy, abundance, anguish, anger, hatred…
None of them, my Lord, compares to You.
I cannot remember how You look like, my Lord.
I cannot put a face to You, and that worries me.
There is this part of me which yearns deeply for You,
missing You so deeply as if it burns a hole not in my heart, but my soul.
It is like crisps of fire spreading its reddish orange sparkles,
eating up a piece of paper from its middle.
And it spreads afterwards, thinning the piece of paper,
until it vanishes and evaporates into nothing.
Is that how You would have me be, Father?
That I may disappear?
By that, would I find You?
Will You take me back into Your embrace again and leave me no choice but to remain with You?
You have indeed given me the greatest gift ā€“ Free Will.
So let my Free Will be Your Will, Father.
My will is to love You.
And I choose You amidst my choices.
I bow down humbly at your feet, Your Glory, Your Greatness, Your Love.
Leave me not, O Lord, as it is You that I long for.

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