There is really nothing I can do about it.
When it comes, it just comes.
And all that I can do is to be with it, stay with it.
Because there’s really no way out of it until some light appears. And that really isn’t my call at all, it somehow just has its own timing.
As much as I can keep on searching, whether through others, the Internet, books; they all give me the same answers albeit some more creative than others.
As long as I have not yet realized, there’s really nothing I can do about it.
Although it has very much to do with what I think is perfect out there that is causing my imperfection, yet if it is not because of my own sense of imperfection, how could anything ‘perfect’ out there reflect what is imperfect in me?
Should I –
get a Botox;
a plastic surgery;
a tummy tuck/liposuction;
an exercise regime;
a diet plan;
or perhaps some slimming pills?
How many times have these thoughts crossed the mind?
How many times have I attempted to try some of them?
Are they truly to support, or to runaway from the incessant pattern of not good enough, not perfect enough?
Even if I may find myself comfortable with the ‘ugliest’ man perceived by the media or society, it’d be soon I find myself loathing him; not because he is really the ‘ugliest’ but because that’s what I truly think about myself and at the same time, loathe myself for it.
Yet, is there anything I can do about it right now but to accept this state as it is – neither wishing for it to go away nor wishing myself to alleviate from it.
It’s nothing personal really, but it becomes personal because this is what I am experiencing personally now, in this moment.
And I can’t really do anything about it now, until I’ve fully come to peace with it; until I’ve come to fully realize what all these is really about.
Since I can’t do anything about it, at least…
let my attitude towards it be wise and open – not to judge what is already occurring as in the self-judgement, the self-loathe;
let me have compassion and love for that self-bashing, self-hatred;
let me give respect and space, and listen to the little voice which has been suppressed since ancient times – though it can at times be so loud, so harsh, so violent, and sighs… pretty unbearable most times…
All iz well, all iz well sweetheart…
I am listening, and I am here for you*.
I am not running away, neither am I leaving you*.
I am staying put here, with you*, until you* are finally and fully done with your* script.
Note: you* refers to the inner child within which is crying out loud to be heard and acknowledged, fully.