Last night, while having a discussion about the usage of laptops and computers, a loved one commented that I only used the device to wash my dirty laundry in public, as in journaling about my thoughts in the blog.
Hearing that statement which seems to come from her, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed and triggered as I felt misunderstood. It is as if, she did not understand the expressions in the blog. As I stayed longer with the feeling, unwilling to brush it away but learn from it, I soon realised that I had expectations of her understanding what I was doing with my life. She knew that I was facilitating workshops, but she seldom asked. She knew that I write, but she seldom reads my blog or even asked me which direction I was coming from. It was as if, as soon as the entry is published and if there was anything personal written such as my experiences and she so happens to read it, it becomes a judgement like – G shouldn’t think that way, G should think more positive, G should not publish this in public and etc etc. Yes, I could very well make an explanation why I decided to share my personal experiences and etc etc… But that act itself would have been unwholesome although it seems on the outside; I was only standing in my own integrity of what I had chosen to do. When I begin to ‘explain’ as in to ‘make know’ to you or anyone at all my intention, I am already in a subtle mode of attack so to defend myself to keep intact my sense of righteousness. The fact that I need to explain when you were not even seeking an explanation from me already tells me that I feel misunderstood and I need you to understand where I am coming from so that I can be understood, hence remain right. Then, I can go on doing what I do without worrying that you will judge, condemn or not approve of me because as long as you understand, then I’d know that you are on my side anyway… the best part is, I get to keep what I want to do and remain right about it.
The thing is, whether or not she is supportive or understands what I am doing – what has it got to do with me? And what is it in for me?
When I looked deeper within me, I saw all the stories and concepts that I had of her. It was indeed strange… when I saw her just as she was, she was as perfect as she was; but the minute I put her on a pedestal being my someone, all the meanings arose that since she is a specific someone in my life, she should support me of what I do, she should understand what I am doing, she should show interest in what I am dong, she should approve what I am doing, she should not criticise my work, she should not condemn what I love to do and etc etc . All the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’. Poor her! I have encapsulated her into a prison, and the best part is that the person who suffers is me! She was having fun breaking all the ‘rules’ that I had for her! So who was the one really in prison?
And that is what we do all the time… setting conditions and rules for people that seem to have something to do with our lives. The one who gave birth to me, the one who taught me, the one who kisses me, the one who gives me money… Just because it seems to be an act that involves me, it becomes mine. Isn’t that bizarre?
Can we have a dad without a dad? Can we have a mom without a mom? Can we have a lover without a lover? And what I do mean is the meanings and concepts of all the roles that I have mentioned. When we finally begin to lose all those meanings, it is then possible to experience a more fulfilling and loving relationships without having each other to fulfil certain responsibilities that each secretly has of each other?
What brings one to peace, is one’s coming home to him or herself. When it is finally seen what we have done onto others, and ourselves; as in making them responsible for the secret conditions that we have for them; then all that is not needed dissolves anyway.
It is not important that anyone understands or is interested in what we do. What is most important is that we understand and are interested in what we are doing. As what Byron Katie says, “I am the one that I’ve been waiting for. Who else is there?”
And you know another secret, what I understand or am interested in doing, is not even done by me. I am just simply being done!