From a core belief of unworthiness is stem lots more beliefs resulting in behaviors which are either confirmatory or compensational, as illustrated by Paul Ferrini very clearly in his book ‘Embracing Our True Self’. In other words, we either try to manifest that belief or try to prove that it is wrong.
I was having dinner with someone dear and he was expressing how he was always being pushed around by some seniors even during his off duty hours. It’s as if, it is hard to say no to these people without being sent on a guilt trip, or ending up in an argument. The seniors win most of the time anyway, because of their superior ‘I am bigger than you’ kind of attitude. So my someone dear usually swallows with much rage and disappointment and conforms to their requests even though he heavily resents it. This is a confirmatory behavior of inferiority while his seniors, imposing a persona of superiority, which is also another form of inferiority by the way, were displaying a compensational behavior. We may ask how this is so, since superiority usually comes with some meaning of confidence or ‘better than you’ kind of mentality; so how could it be that superiority is also a form of inferiority? Consider again, if we were really confident and in full acceptance of ourselves, need we prove our ‘better than others’ qualities to others by making others small?
If we were to observe these characteristics from a helicopter point of view, we will soon realize that these inferiority or superiority attitudes come from the same source of idea, which is unworthiness. Because we were never really taught to be responsible for ourselves in the areas of our own feelings and thoughts, we make others responsible for our pain or our lack of worth by either blaming them, or giving away our power to make us happy or even more worthy. It is as if, based on others’ response or reaction to us, then we’d be able to tell ourselves that we are loved and accepted, or be ascertained of certain qualities are in us, or not.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. As long as we have to rely on another to fulfill our false-made ideas about ourselves, sooner or later others will fall out of our lives, or we will soon realize that it doesn’t work. Definitely, the latter would be a better realization because in the earlier, if others were to fall out, we would just search for others to replace if we did not have wisdom yet to realize it. And then here, we can witness the snake at work, its subtle, slithery yet manipulative way of menacing others (the replacements) into the trap. I am not trying to scare us or tear down our ‘I-am-a-good-person’ persona, but until we truly see that part of us – from moment to moment, behind that persona, we are constantly fencing others in to do what we want them to do for us, to say what we want them to say for us ~ whether or not they agree to it. Even if they were not agreeable to it initially, we would slow talk them into a guilt trip we unconsciously put them on so that they will continuously serve us. Having said that, the snaky way can also come in a form of a harsh attack.
If we are truly authentic and true to ourselves, we will find that no one or nothing outside of us is capable of really satisfying us. My mom was just highlighting my lack-of-involvement in the house that I live in. From the moment I moved in here, I was already thinking of moving back to where I came from. Mom highlighted to me that it was because my old home was much smaller and I appreciated myself for handling everything by myself, but in this house (due to the much bigger space), I relied on the maid. So because I played no part in any of the cleaning or cooking of the house, I felt no connection with the house. I was constantly always looking forward to get out of this house, citing that it is just too big. But when I looked deeper into myself, it was and always has been unworthiness. The unworthiness of living and owning up to this beautiful house, not appreciating what I already have in the now, thus resulting in my finding faults with it, complaining how far it is from everything, how big it is and etc. In truth, everything is perfectly fine! So if I hadn’t taken responsibility to look into this discomfort I felt, I wouldn’t have come face to face with the unworthiness in me. I would have continued to blame and find excuses with this beautiful home which shelters my family and I and most of all, find no peace within myself at all.
Until we are willing to look inwards about our own likes, dislikes, behaviors, actions, reactions, peace within will not be possible. It takes integrity and courage because we are now beginning to take responsibility of ourselves, instead of relying on others to fulfill our criteria of false-made self beliefs. In doing so, we free others and also ourselves. We release the expectations we have onto others and also relieve ourselves of the burden of hiding behind a persona. We may tell ourselves that it is not a mask, but one day when we are alone, sitting on the sofa and feeling tired of life, we would know that we had lived a life of lie.