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Awakening to the Unloved Love

Jul 27th, 2010 by

Love – is what we all live for, and it radiates from our most inner core. I can choose to look at a situation or a person as a punishment, or an opportunity to love what I would deem difficult; depending on the experience I want. If I want to retain my old ways of suffering, I can continue to close my heart further; or if I want to set myself free, I will see the truth of a situation, or a person presented before me.

Love is the very struggle of our lives. But when we have a belief that we are unloved, we turn our attention to an outer manifestation such as a family, a lover, money, career, children or friends or what have you just to cover up what we believe is missing in our lives. For that, we are always running around in circles, unable to find a solid footing no matter where we stand. We know there is something wrong here, but we are just unable to pin point what is it. Does that sound familiar?

I asked my little one some nights ago if she thought that I’d still love her if she was naughty or if she did anything that I did not approve of. Pretty confident of my function as her mom, I was surprised when her answer came as a ‘no’. As I further read some excerpts from a book written by John Goldthwait, it implied that childhood is where experiences of love and being unloved is most significant, where a belief that one can actually be unloved is created. Cleverly, or rather ignorantly, a support thought of “If I become what he/she wants me to be, then perhaps he/she will love me. Then I will be loved!” becomes a glimpse of hope and so this tiny mad idea becomes, sooner or later, a belief or a practice a child carries into adulthood. This can also be termed, in spiritual context, the closing of one’s heart – yes, our own heart to ourselves.

It is somewhat tricky as when young, we were taught that it is unfavorable to be selfish. Yet, in the path of spiritual awakening, that is exactly what is needed of us if we are to find ourselves out of the rut – selfishness. My friend James termed it beautifully quoting one profound teacher – Sacred Selfishness. It is beautiful. Still, selfishness from the context of fear is preserving what is being perceived as already limited, as if when one gives, one would have less. It can be explained further from the perception of self-sacrifice.

The closest example of how I can relate to how Love multiplies further instead of divides is the Love of a parent. When a parent is blessed with a second child, Love does not diminish as would the first child would have imagined, thus the jealousy and insecurity at first. Instead, Love expands. It does not limit by withdrawing Love from the first child to be channeled to the second child although preference may be given to either child in terms of care giving depending on the needs of a specific child, or rather more true, the perception of a parent on the needs of a child; and perceptions, has nothing to do with Love.

So then, who are We? Who am I? Am I the personality of that I am selfless, I am a lawyer, I am a brilliant cook or what have you? Is there any sense of struggle in up keeping these qualities or roles of what or who I think I am? I can put up a front that I am spiritual, I am at peace; but can I lie to myself, for long?

There will come to a point in time where our hearts can no longer contain the layers of fabrications when the inner conflict becomes more obvious. Usually, that is the point where we find ourselves on a spiritual journey so to speak. Again, spiritual journey is not some hocus-pocus or some fairy land experience. It is a realistic approach or path totally necessary if we were to find our true selves. It is comical yet sensible, that first we seek the journey for a God outside of us, when the very God that we have been looking for has always been within us all along. That’s the cosmic joke!

When we start listening to the voice within us, the God within us, the journey of Love starts again –the path of Self Love. Although it may be astonishing and scary at first because our core beliefs are threatened while being investigated, but you see, they are just beliefs, ideas and in no way could or can ever represent our true essence, the true “I”.

We are Love. No matter how much we try to deny it. We are It. I only refer us as an “It” to define what is separate from the falseness. In truth, there is not even a “we” or an “It”!

Live Love, Love… We have always been the Love that we are looking for. What on earth are you waiting for???

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Lessons of Reflection: Interfering

Jul 22nd, 2010 by

I chanced upon an article from a dailyom.com subscription sent to me. I am sharing here as reminder to myself and others who are on the journey. 🙂

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Each of us is on our own path and we all learn differently. Because of this it is important to not interfere with another’s path of growth.

When we care about people, we want to save them from pain by offering them the benefit of our experience. Sometimes we feel like we know what is best for them. Sometimes, like when their safety is involved, we need to step in, but those times are rare. More often we find ourselves becoming frustrated when our close friends or family members do not use our relationship insights or follow our dietary advice, and this is where we find our challenge. We may even find ourselves becoming angry when they choose another path. This strength of feeling is usually a sign that our motivations go beyond merely helping another to indicate that there is a lesson there for us.

First, we need to keep in mind that each of us is on our own path and that we all learn differently. When we trust the universe, we know that there is a higher power at work that knows what is best for our loved one. Since we do not want to deny them experiences of deep feeling that are essential steps in the growth of their spirit, we can instead offer them our counsel. After we have given our gift, it is time to release it, along with our expectations of them and their choices, with love.

Once that is done, we can remind ourselves that our relationships are mirrors that allow us to see ourselves more clearly in the reflection. That is why it is easier for us to see solutions to other people’s problems than to see answers for our own. We can also learn from these experiences when we ask ourselves if we ever do the same thing. Maybe we do not share experiences with relationships, but we do with our finances or our food choices. In being willing to look at ourselves and see why we are being irritated by what other people choose to do with their lives, we can be like an oyster and make irritations into pearls. With these pearls of wisdom, we learn to release the desire for control over others and instead enrich their lives as we enrich our own.

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Authenticity, said Paul Ferrini

Jul 21st, 2010 by

Don’t be concerned that your path is not like that of others. It takes courage to be yourself and not to live in reaction to the likes and dislikes of others. Be courageous and follow your heart. You need to walk your own unique path in order to honor yourself and fulfill your spiritual purpose.

~ Paul Ferrini ~

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Inquire

Jul 20th, 2010 by

Hurt feelings, or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think. This is very good news, because it means that I don’t have to get someone else to stop hurting me. I’m the one who can stop hurting me. It’s within my power.

What we are doing with inquiry is meeting our thoughts with some simple understanding, finally. Pain, anger and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.

~ Excerpts from I Need Your Love – Is That True? by Byron Katie ~

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For Me, or Not for Me?

Jul 19th, 2010 by

Along the way, in the midst of aloneness and loneliness (and they are different, mind you), we attract like-minded friends. Due to common interests, sparks of interesting conversations set off, initiating an inevitable blossoming association, where when unmindful, can lead to a clinging-on relationship which turns a sincere, free connection to one of seeking one another’s approval to satisfy the need to belong.

You see, in us there lay a need to connect and socialize; while it can be an initial independent serving relationship at first, through time, it can turn into an inter-dependent or sometimes a totally dependent affiliation. Think about it, without this friend in my life, I am probably making decisions for myself with regards to a certain situation, but with this friend’s opinions or views around; whilst I may take his or her perception for consideration which should also lead to me to making my own decisions; I may also tend to do what he or she perceives is appropriate or important for the journey, although very much hiding behind a façade of integrity; just because we are close. As much as I am also making a decision to ‘obliged’ to another’s opinion, but guess what, I betray myself by not honoring myself. That is in truth, already a way of seeking love and approval from another.

I can never lie to or run away from myself, no matter how hard I try. I can try to paint the picture to the whole world how my outer manifestations, i.e. action is different from my initial intention, but sooner or later, I’d feel draggy about the whole thing, resentful or doubtful. Although I may not blame the other for my taking on this decision, but I will realize that I am in constant weakness and fear of honoring myself then on because I am afraid that I will lose this friend whom I have been blessed with, and to which in my perception, is hard to come by.

In my recent experience of a third stage of fasting, I finally plucked up the courage to respect myself once again. Ask me why I fast this round? The only thing I could say is that I wished to experience what it was like eating X kind of food or fruits for the whole day, so I’d say I was solely savoring the experience of that, until my partner reflected otherwise, time and time again citing certain things that I could not help but ponder away my intentions of fasting again. After speaking to Darling, I soon realized by myself that I was fasting once again out of fear, because two of the closest people in my heart at the moment were experiencing the fast (way ahead of me, if I might add) and I felt an ‘obligation’ to be in the experience so that I’d qualify to be ‘in the group’ – in short, I did it for a malicious intention: the sense of belonging. Even after realizing this, I was not at peace. My past experience of true realization was that I would arrive at peace. So that means to say, I was not at peace with myself, performing this fast.

I imagined a lot of possibilities of quitting the fast, and sticking with the fast; both filled with much self-judgment. It was very clear that I wasn’t indeed standing in my own power since my intention from the start was not from love, or trust. Besides the experience of trying out the menu for the first few days, which I enjoyed thoroughly, I found myself at the crossroad once again so much sooner when the mind asked, “I’ve tasted it, what’s next?” Where was I?

I questioned myself deeply, if I could selflessly do this, just for the sake of the group since there was an impression that “I” am part of the group and that my progress was detrimental to the group; but the mind could not stop arguing, “are you kidding me?” Not that I am not acknowledging myself in the group, but since when, had my worthiness needed to be validated by being part of the group? Clearly, there is some sort of defilement going on here.

I could not stop honoring myself these days. It is as if I am committing bigamy spiritually when I rely on others to belong somewhere so to speak; it is absolute that I am only responsible for me, to love me, accept me and to approve of me.

Love is not a tank where it is confined; it is in truth a bottomless well where no one is singled out. But if I am limiting Love, or defining Love by my intentions to satisfy a need arising from fear, who am I falling out of love with, except myself?

It comes back, again and again, these lessons, and I am thankful… for without which, deeper realization or learning would not have been possible. It is always about honoring and loving me – not in the space of demeaning others, but in empowering others – by empowering me. You see, it always starts with me, and that is all that is required to begin with.

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The Death of the Ego

Jul 16th, 2010 by

Begin to see how much you try to change others to fit your image of how you think they should be. Be aware of how others try to change you. Feel the push and the pull. That is the world of the ego.

Ego is the most insecure thing in the universe. That is why it is always trying to take sides and bolster its position. It has no native confidence in itself and therefore no generosity of spirit.

It hates everything because it hates itself. All its pride is but a show. Take ego apart and you find an open wound.

Ego is the part of you that doesn’t know that you are loved. It can’t give love, because it doesn’t know it has love to give.

How do the unloved and unlovable find love? That is the cry of every soul in exile in the world.

Ego must be taught that it has love. This is a threatening proposition, for as soon as ego recognizes it has love, it ceases to be ego. Ego must die as ego to be reborn as love.

Now you know why most people resist enlightenment. The idea of waking up is scary to anyone who is still asleep. You keep thinking, “When I wake up, I may not be there!”

That is why your fear of death and your fear of waking up are the same fear. The unlimited, universal Self is not born until the limited, temporal self dies.

So death will come, one way or the other. Either you will die, or you will wake up, which is a different kind of dying.

Once you awake, dying is no big deal. You have no more prized identify to lose. Whether you stay in physical form or not isn’t important. Either way, you need to be present.

Dying is one of the best ways to learn to be present. If you want to wake up quickly, try drying. When you are dying, you are aware of things in a way you never were before. You notice every breath, every nuance, every flower, every word, or gesture of love.

Dying is like a crash course in waking up. Now that doesn’t mean that everyone who dies wakes up. It just means they’ve taken the course.

Those who graduate from the course are content to be wherever they are sent. If that means somewhere in a body, so be it. If that means assisting someone in a body, that’s fine too.

It doesn’t really matter where you do because you have nothing to prove. You are there simply to be helpful.

Disengaging from meaningless identity is an inevitable aspect of the path back home. The less you have to protect, the more help that you can be. And the more help you give, the more blissful your experiences becomes.

While I would not go so far as to say “dying is fun”, I would say that dying is “not fun” only because you are still hanging onto some shred of self-definition.

Your whole experience on earth is a process of learning to trust in yourself, in your brother and in God. In the final moment of awakening, when trust blossoms fully, these three aspects of Self merge into one.

That moment cannot be described in words, but I assure you that you will experience it. And until you experience it, nothing will ever make complete sense to you.

~ Excerpts from Chapter: The Death of the Ego, Love without Conditions by Paul Ferrini ~

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Coming Home to Me

Jul 15th, 2010 by

Time and time again, we are constantly being lured into believing that there is someone out there who loves and approves us, wholly accepting us we are. And because of that addiction, we can never excuse ourselves from being affected by the way others react to us, whether they smile at us, wink at us, give us a smiley face over the internet, abruptly cut us off in a conversation, speak to us in a different tone or simply show us a nasty look. Through many experiences, as much as there are many angles to a box, possibilities to a situation, i.e. it is probably not about us or to us that they are targeting at, probably just a bad moment they had experienced or were going through; we never fail to feel triggered, saddened, abandoned, left out or whatever feelings we feel uncomfortable with anyway, until we come to terms with ourselves.

Though many times, it is never about us that others are upset about while it may seems like it; as long as we are set-off in a negative mood, we are asked only to inquire within. Clearly, we already feel like victims as much as we try to deny it, at times seeking for evidence that it is never about us. But even in truth, when it is not really about us, again as long as we are the ones feeling sorry about ourselves, it is our business to resolve our own discomfort – for that is our truth, our ‘story’ to begin with.

It is easy to forget, for that is the rule of the game, the rule of limitations. But it is also easy to remember; for once we remember the motion of self-inquiry sets in. But what makes it hard at this junction, is the mind still wanting to see the realness of what is outside, wanting to hang on to what cannot be true, failing each time to look within, the initial idea that sparked off vulnerability.

It is always a calling home at times like these. Although sometimes it may be a weak come back, but it never fails. It is in our weakest moments that we continue to thrive, that the heart is open to us, only within a reach away. It takes strength, guts and much motivation, to want to investigate that lie, to see the truth to which illusions hovers around. Nothing can stand in our way, as long as we soar for truth.

Love – that is all we all want. Though many shut that away, but it is always about love. Even a wife who is married to a wonderful husband, who provides well, still yearns for love; failing to recognize that she is the only one capable to love herself. In failing that endeavor, she seeks what is outside, what is also an illusion, to fulfill that emptiness within, to only find that she will be left alone again, bare and naked.

It is time to come home now, home to myself. All else which have been perceived as bad is an illusion, and so are all else which have been perceived to be good. Nothing is whole and complete, not here anyway, except the wholeness and completeness which can only be felt within. So even when the victim emerges from time to time, let me love her, and embrace her. Let me not judge or condemn her during her unconscious state, but instead bring clarity and tenderness to her. As long as I will, I smell her closeness in my embrace.

It is there that I seek, and yet when I am here, I am already there by being here.

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Why won’t you love me?

Jul 13th, 2010 by

Have you ever wondered why most of us could never believe another when he or she lovingly tells us “I love you”? It is either we don’t believe that we are that lovable, or in a very deep seated way, we know that he or she is not loving our true self, but a façade we put on to make him or her love us. How true is this for you?

During my younger days, I had my fair share of experiences of men falling in love with me, or so they think. I was very good at portraying myself to be their dream girl – anything they wanted – from someone who was a goody two shoes, someone who drinks, parties and smokes, to one who has a ‘genuine’ interest in golf. In those relationships I had willingly got myself involved with, I’d find myself unhappy, unsatisfied, and I remember insatiably asking them this question, time and time again, “Why won’t you just love me?” when from moment to moment, they were telling me that they love me.

Now I know. I was asking them, if they could love me for who I truly was beneath that mask I had put on to make them love me. But again, how could they know and love who I truly was when I myself could not be courageous enough to show them who I truly was inside? When I put on a façade, I am telling the world that who I truly am inside is not that lovable, so because I want your love and your approval, I will be who you want me to me, as long as you love me. That was really weak, now that I’d come to think about it.

And then I’d get really tired after a while. It is like having to put on heavy make-up every day for the rest of my life; and I needed a day or two to let my skin breathe. I needed to breathe, too.

Eckhart Tolle wrote in A New Earth, that when two people first meet, they are at the best behavior, to show to the other how he or she is the best fit to another. Byron Katie in her book, I Need Your Love – Is that True? says, that people do that because they are focusing on someone out there to give love or approval to oneself. In most cases, both parties are doing it unconsciously. A girl may portray that she likes football to get his attention, and a boy may claim he loves homey Saturday evenings when he rather enjoys a round of beers with his buddies at the bar. Until the relationship stabilizes to the point where both believe that they’ve been approved of, they begin to relax and ease up for a while: less effort is then needed to please and charm. Soon, they’d find themselves in a dilemma – Do I compromise myself further to keep this relationship? Or do I give up this relationship so that I could begin to do the things I want? It is no wonder that most couples, after some time in a relationship, find it somewhat exhausting to keep up with the relationship.

Just to share a personal experience, when my partner went back to the ‘partying’ phase in the midst of our marriage crisis, I actually found it quite scary for I never knew that part of him before. When I began to question my discomfort of the whole situation without pointing my finger at him, I realized that my perception of my partner was painted during the first year that I had met him, and at that point in time, we were probably putting our best foot forward to please, seek love and approval from each other. It was with much courage when we both admitted to each other what we truly liked and didn’t like in our own true space. Although I wouldn’t classify that moment of confession one of the best times of my life, but I’d say that it was the most favorable moments for both my partner and I as we conscientiously gave each other permission and blessings to be our own authentic self again. We’d figured that since we were in this for the long haul, we might as well put down the mask and be true to ourselves! This was very much accompanied by a renewed sense relationship with him. It felt as if I was getting to know my partner all over again, even up till today. And there is much freedom, peace and love within myself too. I didn’t need him to make me happy, because I made me happy. He just so happens to be an add-on. We are both, in most ways now (since we are still very much work-in-progress), free of each other; coming together without having to try too hard, but simply allowing our self love to draw each other closer, in sync. 

As Byron Katie shares,

How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense.

When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.

Romantic love is the story of how you need another person to complete you. It’s an absolutely insane story. My experience is that I need no one to complete me. As soon as I realize that, everyone completes me.

I couldn’t agree more.

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What are you Grateful for?

Jul 12th, 2010 by

I was having a conversation with a friend who expressed how grateful he was to this mutual friend we have; how she had thrown a life line to him when he was at his downiest, and thereby felt he owed it to her, leading him to do something that did not resonate with his heart upon her offer. Of course, at that point when he agreed, he wasn’t fully aware that what was offered to him did not resonate until much later. All he thought at that moment when she called was that it was a chance for him to ‘repay’ her kindness. And yet, that guilt ‘tortured’ him within the doldrums of his mind, of whether he ought to proceed to do what was offered to him, or not; when he did not feel inspired. I know how that feels, I have been there.

The thing is this. Our lessons or entitlement are always unfolded through stories, and we need casts and a plot to open us up for our learning. Many a times, after we ‘survived’ our most crucial moments, we are left with heartfelt gratitude and appreciation towards a person, or some persons if you will for uplifting us; and it’d be so because of that, in times of their needs or requests, we’d feel compelled to accommodate them, even when it is very much, not what our hearts say so. But why do we do it? “Oh, she has helped me so much, I need to repay her”; “oh, I am so grateful for without her support then, I wouldn’t have made it”… whilst these stand true in one way or another, let’s look at the real mechanics of it.

Many a times, we are caught by having to listen to, or comply with others’ request because we feel that it would redeem ourselves of receiving from those of whom we are grateful to. We fail to see that whatever we receive is our own privilege and seriously, if what is given is not received, what is the point then of an exchange?

It is the same as giving someone a gift; if I was giving a gift because I wanted the person to say thank you to me, I am so relying on another to give me an appreciation, which can only be translated to as a form of self betrayal. And if I am receiving, thinking that I have to give back fifty, so to make it worth the while of what I have received, then what is the point of having?

I remember sending a gratitude message to my teacher last year and asked if I could do anything to complete the cycle of ‘giving and receiving’. I was so grateful to his teachings, you see. My wise teacher replied,

There is no reason to reciprocate as what you receive is your entitlement. And even if you are the receiver and yet you get nothing out from it, what is the point of having? Thus what you receive and understood is all your doing. You can give out of gratefulness but not because you want to complete the cycle of your receiving. Rejoicing is already giving. Expressing thanks is also giving.

And I would add to this, give out of gratefulness, to which resonates with our heart – at our own pace, at our own will – not by overextending ourselves.

Let’s give thanks for the experience instead, and recognize that whatever we receive is because we are willing to be given to, and that no repayment is required. If the need to reciprocate arises then let it be from the space of love, of inner authority, so true to our own space that not even a word of ‘thank you’ is required.

It is because we keep focusing on the form, on the body or rather the person out there, failing to see what is true in our own space that time and time again, we are off balance of our own footing. But can we now begin to see that, being balanced on our own footing and staying true to ourselves is really the best gift we can give to anyone at all! For when we tell others that we are willing to honor ourselves, we are too telling others they are free from us – that there is no need to live for us, whether in a minute way or not. The bondage then becomes released.

Having said that, I am not meaning to say that we don’t appreciate the people who present these gifts to us, whether it is in a form of a teaching, an experience, a helping hand, a gift and etc. All I am saying is – really, a simple ‘thank you’ will do, and to fully appreciate and honor another, is to fully appreciate and honor ourselves. There is no way around it, and it cannot be otherwise. If the person doesn’t see it yet, it is only because the person has not realized it, and it is ok too, because we are no longer seeking approval or love from anyone else, or having to give anyone else anything that we are not inspired to! We are already Love, and are already approving of ourselves; what greater gifts could you give to another, except that?

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Passion Vs Identity

Jul 8th, 2010 by

I questioned myself these days, if I had identified myself as an editor, a writer, or a learner… that it seemed as if my passion for editing, writing and learning had suddenly become a chore. It was strange. It was not that I had nothing to write about, learn about, but there seemed some resistance in doing it. As if, the notion then was just to laze around and do nothing – not even groceries, banking or even watching tv. Everything just suddenly seemed unappealing to me.

When, has my passion become a chore that I’d have to compile with?

So what turned out to be my passion, I had identified with as my identity. It is like – G writes, G edits, G sings, G loves photography, G thrives to learn… While I admit that these were all attributes from my thirst to fulfill the heart’s desire to bring joy to my being then, I had come to realize these days that I had become picky with experiences. And each time I am put in a situation where I conditionally choose my experiences, I am still more inclined to fulfill another’s need to write, to edit, to sing, to learn; rather than honoring my own pace of things.

The truth is that our mental states change all the time. This hour I may love taking pictures; this hour, I may love to read; or perhaps this hour, I may just love to laze around, look up at the ceiling and do nothing. Who’s going to sue me? Nobody!! But guess what, I was the one constantly counting if I did or did not do this or that; just to keep up with the personality, or rather identity that I had unconsciously characterized myself with. Suddenly, I had to ‘live’ up with that identity, just to assure myself that I am still ‘somebody’.

It was amazing when I finally looked at myself into the mirror, I saw nothing but a mask, a strait of characteristics of what ‘I think I am’, when I am none of it as I see past the façade that I hung on to. Boy, was it a scary experience! To be nothing! To be nobody! And yet, there was a resounding sense of indescribable freedom, peace and joy; free from judgments of myself. So the resentment and stress were only an indication of how I had ‘forced’ myself to live up with an identity when no one else really bothers! Seriously, even if it does bother others, would it have anything to do with me?

The ending of this, was a chuckle. A chortle of realization – the expectations, stresses, limitations that I had put onto myself so just to be ‘someone’. Do I really need to be someone? In the stillness of my heart, there is no one; so what is there to be, but what is, at that precise moment of myself. In that space, I find so much appreciation and love for myself, an immerse joy that accompanies.

Need I say more?

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