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From a Student to a Teacher

Nov 9th, 2010 by

A teacher’s role is to share his knowledge and realisations to his student as a means to uplift the willing student and those who come to him to grow, so to welcome them into the journey.

A teacher once expressed that in the spiritual journey, there is no hierarchy and is never a linear progress. Another teacher shared during one of his classes too that today he may be a level up but once a student embarks on his or her journey, he or she may grow faster than him and there is nothing to it but merely opportunities to share and learn from each other; thus the importance of staying connected in sharing, without judgments.

And soon within the vicinity of the student, he may feel somewhat shocked or surprised listening to what comes out from his teacher’s mouth. At first, or most times, the student will keep quiet, as if doubting himself that perhaps there is something that his teacher sees and that he is not yet seeing. And then he lets it go and continues his journey of learning, without judging his teacher.

When the teacher’s err becomes too obvious, the student will not be able to deny that his teacher is unconscious. He would recognise that state if he had clearly experienced the same and come out of that state in his own practice. But what would propel him not to speak or express to his teacher of what he observes – for at times when one is unconscious, one is just unconsciously unconscious and not able to get out of it? It would be his smallness, his own inferiority complex as he views his teacher being superior to him. And when the teacher begins to express authentically what is going on in his space, it may lead to the student playing the role of either rescuing his teacher, or prosecuting his teacher that his teacher is not a good teacher and may condemn his teacher to the bits; if the student himself is not mindful in taking responsibility for what comes up in him.

It is inevitable that anyone, teacher or student may be unconscious for we are in the journey of being conscious and whilst in the journey still, there is no point mimicking the conscious state all the time since mimicking is merely another form of unconscious state too. There is no right or wrong being in either state except one’s judgement to it. Once we get out of it, we could all have a good laugh over it as if awaken from a nightmare, a dream or what have you.

But what is an important learning point here for the student from watching a teacher’s unconscious state is for the student to observe what arises in him (the student), what is true to him and to address rightfully and honestly what is within him. Instead of judging his teacher as a victim or a down-graded guru, the student may very well do his teacher a favour by continuously taking responsibility of what comes up in the student even though the teacher is dear and close to him. There is no difference in bodies as all are just storylines; but as the journey moves on, storylines of people of whom we hold dear to or respect highly become ultimate characters for us to work on within. And at some point, the teacher unconscious, propelling a student to speak out to point out to his teacher from the space of love, is merely a turn for the student to rise up to be the teacher that he is now ready to be. Not that we are toying with labels here but the terms of teachers and students here are merely roles and functions we play to share the truth and to uplift each other, not as a means of moulding a false identity.

And from the teacher’s point of view, if he sees his students as a threat and begin to feel inferior or jealous when his students points out what could have been a flip to his conscious state, the teacher will then need to be honest and truthful to himself of what has arisen in his space. But, if the teacher appreciates the support offered by his student, grateful that what he has preached has indeed been practiced and thus flowered into a beautiful bloom, the teacher would have done his job and can give himself a pat on the back. If not for the teacher’s unconscious state, how else would the student rise up to his own greatness? If not for the teacher’s guidance and continuous moulding, how else could the teacher receive the support that he has given out too?

The roles then continuously recycle themselves in situations, for learning, for growth, for uplifting, for support. And the switching of roles can only happen when both has shred off the duality idea of superiority and inferiority, for they are merely ideas and simply exist, just as an idea, and nothing more. To buy into that idea, is to limit one’s own boundary; and to remain open, or ingrain the idea of openness, is to be marvelled by the possibilities that swims themselves to our door steps towards the path of liberation and oneness.

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Enjoying Guilt

Nov 7th, 2010 by

The other day, my partner and I were contemplating on getting a divorce. Not that there is anything wrong with our marriage, or relationship for that matter; it just felt like a moving on phase and the purpose is not so much as to leave him or the family but more of just wanting to be alone and to grow in other areas. It is a strange, strange phenomenon which I have yet to understand.

Coming back to the conversation that my partner and I shared, he was really authentic to express that he is ok living without me as he has come to respect me and love me for whatever that I wish to do; except that he doesn’t really see a need for a separation or divorce in addition to his concern for our little one. He shared there is this guilt that he feels towards our little one, and he enjoys the guilt which allows him to feel the joys of being a father. Although he may feel irritated at times when he doesn’t get enough time for himself, but he loves it when our little one comes up to him, hugs and demands his attention to play with her. I was quite surprised at his declaration and wondered by I hadn’t seen it that way before – that is, to enjoy the guilt.

He went on further, sharing that at this moment, he likes what he is doing – to have responsibilities, to put food on the table, to go overseas to buy better quality groceries for the family to enjoy, to eagerly come home so that he could hug and play with our little one and to allocate and divide his time; whatever available; between himself, work, our little one, our parents and siblings, his friends and me. I watched him in admiration as I listened to him as he found a way around his guilt – to enjoy it rather than to treat it all as a chore; and even if it is a chore, it is indeed a joyful one to him.

But to have that turnaround, the joy the guilt brings him, is it still guilt that propels him to do what he does? And I wondered, if at one point in time, when our little one grows up and lives her own life, or if nobody appreciated what he did, would he feel an inch of disappointment even? Of course, we’d never know since that is the future that we are talking about; but knowing him for many years now, he’d probably take it with a pinch of salt and move on. Would that mean that he is not resolving the ‘pinch of salt’ he felt? Would that tantamount to multiplying layers of unconscious guilt to be peeled away by layers again in due time?

If, taking the metaphor that God has created us to experience; that is, to experience fully whatever experiences that comes up to us unconditionally, then perhaps there is joy in every moment whether it is guilt or love that motivates us to experience what is being experienced. But what happens here is that the guilt is so real and strangely illusionarily serious that we can’t get ourselves out of it no matter how hard we try to break free. And because of that guilt that is so real to us, we unconsciously and even unconsciously consciously scheme and manipulate our ways around situations just so to resolve our imaginary issues with ‘peace’, in ‘peace’ by fixing what is outside there.

The truth is, peace has always been present and it is not dependant on anything out there but a surety and clarity of what is being experienced. It is us, placing impossible conditions to create problems of ‘I can’t’; ‘I have to’.

Now I see a profound meaning to what my teacher shared with me recently, that whether ‘I want to’ or ‘I have to’ are both unconditional – clearly, the former is love based and the latter is fear based – but think again, what is the difference? There is no difference, except our experiences of it. What has to be done, will be done! A sweet friend told me not all ago that not a leaf turns without the will of God, so what are we doing here except to experience what is being presented to us to experience? To avoid the experience may be a choice to some, but when look deeply within, is that a mere way of escapism?

There you go… no right, no wrong – guilt or innocence, fear or love – only what how you choose to experience it, unconditionally.

*Dedicating this entry to my partner – for your love, honesty and wisdom. Love you dearly.

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Beauty’s Way

Nov 5th, 2010 by

Beauty’s way is simply and elegant.
Everything happens in its own time and place.
The river may overflow its banks or it may shrink to trickle.
Seasons of draught and high water are inevitable.
But sooner or later, the river will reach the sea.
The outcome is certain.
No matter how far we stray from our essential nature,
we will return to it.
Our destiny is to become who we already are.

– Paul Ferrini

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Past Experiences Rule!

Nov 5th, 2010 by

As I begin to become more present to people around me, I observe how past experiences dictate certain patterns in a person (myself included) and how that pattern makes them relate to themselves and to the world. Whilst this pattern only exists in one person, it can somehow affect the people around him and hence people who are affected may either tends to take sides (as in to support the pattern in this person) or to shy away from this person.

The past two days of closely communicating with a loved one despite the occasional clash of views when I begin to speak, I saw that there was no possible way to convey a new idea to him. As he was holding on so strongly to his beliefs where were conditioned by his part experiences, it did not allow him to expand his horizon that may relief his sufferings. Clearly, his past experiences had made such a strong impact in him that he lives such pattern all the time, unable to understand why others do not see or listen to where he is coming from when he gives his piece of advice to others. Of course, his piece of advice is right to him as there are no right or wrong views but merely what one chooses to adapt or buy into, but what happens here is that the holding on to this belief becomes such a strong and ingrained pattern in him that he will view others as wrong and stupid and gets disappointed when his point of view is not taken seriously.

And today, I came across an interesting incident. There was this resident’s visitor who came into the neighborhood refusing to inform the guards where he was going and the guards, under instructions by the Resident Committee, did not open the barrier gate for him to enter into the neighborhood as and until the visitor reveals where he was going. To all of our surprise, the visitor threatened to make a police report, parked his car right in front of the barrier gate of the entrance of our neighborhood, and walked to the resident’s house. It was indeed an awkward situation. This has posted inconvenience to the community nonetheless. When the visitor left after a couple of hours, the resident called me to apologize and explained that this very dear friend of his has had bad experiences with gated surroundings which had affected his business hence such behavior from this visitor. I was thankful for the information as again, I saw how a past event had affected a fellow brother to react this way towards the security guard, failing to be considerate to his friend or even to the community which he was entering into. Again, not that he was wrong as he only did what he thought at that moment was right, only that it has posted inconvenience to the others and for that, other residents who probably had other past experiences of whatever consequences from this action felt triggered and proceeded to complain to the security guards and the community of their frustrations. The rippling effect can be quite amazing.

It is entirely fine when we find that others are not listening to what we tell them, similarly to moments when we don’t listen to what they tell us; but to force the information down another’s throat or to raise our voices a little higher or louder just to be heard can be quite threatening to another when such characteristics are being portrayed. The result of this is either an argument or a retreat once the sense of attack is being felt.

If only we can begin to understand and see how the past has no effect on us, except for our holding on to them making them an undesirable pattern that runs in our lives. Because I have a bad childhood, I don’t want to have children; because my parents are divorced, I don’t want to get married; because I had been poor, I need to be rich; because all the men I know has affairs, my partner will surely have an affair. Can we begin to see how irrelevant each situation or each person is? How innocent the others are as we project our past upon them, bringing forth the past in us to the present, attacking all that is right here and now around us? Why not release the old patterns and treat each moment as a new one? Let life be lived through us. Yes, there are moments where I am reluctant to go where life leads me, as it is against my old belief systems, but can we also love that part of us which is reluctant and instead open up ourselves to the many possibilities of life itself?

A better way to resolve this is self awareness and to take responsibility of our own patterns. Even if the pattern is hard to break on our side, the moment we are willing to stop pointing fingers at others, we are much, much closer to investigating the causes of the old patterns in order to break the chain. Again, there is nothing wrong with the old patterns, but if the old patterns are causing one to suffer ceaselessly, to the point of resignation and condemnation, we can be sure that it is time to make a change within us for that peace that we so deserve.

It will not be a surprise to find resistance in wanting to give up the old pattern. There may be anger, defense, more blame, and more hatred… who likes to give up that part of themselves whom they are so used after so long? But which do you prefer – to be right, or to be free? I’d choose peace anytime.

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Love, as an Experience

Nov 4th, 2010 by

The delusional state of a lover and a beloved is that, the lover who loves, loves while the beloved, loved. Although we technically understand that one who loves is one who is beloved, but this pattern is seldom experienced when one is only focused on loving and forgets to be loved, and the other focused on being loved and forgets to love. What is the difference? The giver only gives and the receiver only receives. And where does love come from? From Self. And how is love experienced? In Self.

I remember a loved one told me recently that as he loved, he too felt that he was loved. It is a concurrent experience. This brings me back to some memories where there were instances when I felt that my partner did not love me, and I chose to love him instead and by that I felt loved. It can be a simply gesture from a kiss, a hug, a purchase of a gift but as soon as I am doing all that because I want him to give me love, I can be 100% sure that I am no longer ‘in’ love, but ‘in’ fear. But where did the love come from? It was from me, within me, to me, for me; for I am the only experiencer in this.

It is ironic as I observed a close friend’s new relationship. She mentioned that this man came into her life when she did not need any man, simply joyous and in love with herself. But when this man came into her life (which woman or anyone for that matter could resist the experience of loving and being loved!), she noticed that each time she depends on him for love, he retreats; and each time she pays attention to herself, he returns. Of course, from an egoic sense we could term it as that when you don’t pay attention to the other, the other comes running back to you; but truly in an inward journey, the other is merely reflecting our own inner states of ourselves.

From this I realized that how easily the lover and the beloved loose each, their footing of themselves. When the lover loves, he loves the other and tends to forget himself; and when the beloved is loved, the beloved then relies on the other for love. As Rumi cited in his poem, that the beloved gets strong and the lover gets weak, I saw both as weak as both loose themselves along the way. It’s a loss at both ends and neither wins at the end of the day, for there is no self-empowerment or freedom in this area. Sooner or later, the lover will feel tired, and the beloved will become needy; and like it or not, that is when the relationship between the lover and the beloved becomes a little shaky and may lead towards a premature parting. Strangely, this pattern happens in most relationships and even though made aware of it (though may not be in a spiritual context), both parties would not prefer to take responsibility to deal with it. So we are talking about either a blaming each other or, a self-blame scene. Neither is true.

It is ok to love, and also to be loved; for we are natural lovers. Look at the birds, the animals, the parents, the children, friends and even strangers. There is love everywhere and that is nature. But what is not natural is that as we love, or are loved, we become dependent on one another.

Then what is the point to love, when we can so love ourselves and not need another? And that is it. There is no need. Love and be loved because of the experience – and let it be unreasonable, for there is no whys, no hows, no whats, no whens. Love just is.

So what is called here is constant awareness of self – of self responsibility, self honesty, self honor, self love and balance. Not that there is no one out there to love, but ultimately who are we loving? Not that when we love ourselves we will not love another, because ultimately who are we not loving?

Sharing a beautiful poem by Rumi – Desire and the Importance of Failing.

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Sparring Error – Approaching a Spiritual Partnership

Nov 4th, 2010 by

The mind is the same anywhere, everywhere. No matter how we try to twist it, twig it, it is the same with everyone. But, how each individual addresses the mind creates his or her reality or rather, relationship with the mind.

And it boils down to ideas, perceptions and being able to relate to the mind and its experiences manifested in the outer reality.

When we come into the journey; to each its own; there is a tendency to feel alone or lonely, depending on mental states as both are in fact different. And along the way, when a kindred spirit appears in our space of whom we can spar with (and I do mean this in a good way), it can turn out to be uplifting and supportive for the journey. However, a genuine companionship or partnership can turn out to be detrimental and threatening to both when the unconscious state sets in. Now, this unconscious state is common whilst in the journey since the journey is about being conscious; but it is like the metaphor of hitting a jackpot when one finally finds a loving spiritual friend to share revelations with, the excitement can come with expectations of being understood, accepted or approved of when either is expressing their point of view. With this unconscious state as its base, a loving conversation of positive sharing may very well turn out to be unsightly especially so if both, or either one is holding on strongly to their ideas and views.

And due to the longing for companionship in this journey or for any other journey for that matter, the tendency to lose ourselves once again is always there. It is as if our earlier footing has given way and hence we’d need the other to support the journey. While it is true that support is necessary in the journey, but this very essence of the companion or partnership turns out to be non-beneficial to both except to stir up more shit within both parties when one starts to depend on another for love, approval, acceptance, and etc or worst, starts to intrude into another’s space. It is very much like a typical love relationship, except that the basis of this type of relationship is moving towards growth and freedom.

Now, to stir up the shit is not a bad thing; in fact, it is a gift. But due to the painful nature plus the unconscious state both parties may be in, there can be an unconscious subtle sense of attack and defence, a delicate element of attachment or manipulation going on at the background. And it takes much more effort to bring oneself into the conscious level which requires much patience, diligence and awareness and let me tell you, it is hard, hard work – because a beloved friend is at the other end of the line too! This makes not only us vulnerable, but also puts the companionship or partnership in a somewhat weak and awkward position.

Since this type of kindred spirit is like a rare gem picked up amongst the common treasures, indeed it takes take a lot of integrity, trust, courage, respect and compassion to stay in such companionship or partnership which may or may not elevate our own spiritual growth due to many factors. Thus, choosing the appropriate friend or partner for this, in my opinion, is important.

So during conscious moments, it is possible to accept what the other express in their space with an open mind as we have kept our minds open during the earlier parts of the journey. And I mean to say this not from the space of resignation, compromise or seeking approval but from the space of love and respect and also of an inquisitive nature to allow the mind to expand its horizon rather than being fixated. Of course, ultimately we can only choose to practice what is true to us and due to the earlier respect given, we allow others to have their beliefs as we know that there are indeed many fishes in the sea all headed towards the same destination.

But be forewarned. It is a dangerous zone, for when we can’t get ourselves out of it, we are in deep deep shit… haha! Just kidding. What’s life without a little humour right? So it is essential for both to continuously trust the process and constantly take responsibility of themselves. We are after all just on the path heading Home, aren’t we?

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Much more to Integrity

Nov 3rd, 2010 by

Integrity is to mean the ability to stand true to our own space and be truthful to ourselves, without having to seek approval from others. It takes much courage and strength to take the first step the first time, and thereafter there is bound to be a second time and a third and a forth and many, many times more. But each time we are not careful or rather conscious, the tendency to fall back into the space of approval seeking is high.

Integrity comes with honesty with oneself. And in honesty, the quality of being direct is accompanied. As I mentioned in my earlier entry, being direct can be construed as being harsh, depending on how it is being perceived by another; and of course, our initial intention of communication too. It is a two-way thing. I cannot perceive what I do not have, and I cannot be perceived and then be triggered of what I had not given out.

In my earlier entry Being Direct, I mentioned that if I was perceived as harsh in being direct, it is not my problem. However, if I am triggered by the perceived behavior of being harsh, especially so from a loved one; I may tend to express myself with much softness or with much compassion so that my message may accommodate to the needs of another in order for the message to be received with much acceptance. But then again, how can truth be camouflaged with anything that I do not have at that moment? And I mean to say, that if that point in time, if gentleness or compassion is not my state, how could I pretend it? So what is it in for me when I try to pretend to be something or someone that I am not? Approval. Thus, subtly I am being drawn into the ambush of seeking approval once again when I am not conscious of my state at that moment. Would that tantamount to integrity?

As I later shared my experiences during a sharing session last night, I asked my fellow friends whether we ought to speak or just shut-up in such situation. Obviously they had the same thoughts as me, if I felt like speaking, then speak – for what I say could very well be a reminder or a ‘key’ to the ignition to the other. But when I questioned them again, what is the point of saying when we know that what we say will be rejected and at the end we’d be triggered by it anyway? They all kept quiet, as if in the strange dilemma I previously was in a recent incident.

And the answer is simple. To convey, and not convince; as when we convey the message, or rather our message at that point in time, we are simply putting across the possibility of truth to the others and whether they choose to listen or accept what is being communicated, is still entirely their choice. It is after all, their entitlement of space and who are we not to respect that? Conveying a message comes with much freedom. It is as if our role is just to relay the message and full stop. No expectations is needed, no agreement is needed to the point that even if the other’s opinion or views seem to differ, there is peace, natural acceptance and love in that space. However, when we convince, especially when we are holding on strongly to what we are about to communicate and to have the person see it from our point of view, there accompanies a subtle energy of attack even though the initial intentions behind are genuine. So a true intention from the space of love can anytime turn to one of defilement when we want the others to agree with us, failing which leads to the uneasiness of the conversation between two people.

My wonderful beloved friend reminded me that it is about balancing, and I couldn’t agree more, and it seems that at that point in time of communication, it is important to check our intentions before expressing what is to be said as the ball of energy bounces to and fro between two people in a conversation. Especially so due to the nature of vulnerability that is present in most relationships, it is even a thinner line to thread for at any point in time when one is not conscious or aware of their own mind states resulting in both parties being triggered, the relationship may be at stake to the point that resentment hovers at the background only waiting for time to be unleashed if not addressed from the point of wisdom.

I seek pardon from my beloved ones during the times when I have been unconscious and may have seemed harsh, though what is more important is that I forgive myself for missing the mark during my unconscious moments. I am grateful to my mirrors who show me areas yet to be polished so that the unwholesome can be wholesome, in the continuous journey towards innocence and Home.

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Taking that Step

Nov 1st, 2010 by

Some months back, I was involved in a rushed project which had no money in it. Well, actually whatever that I do these days has not much financial rewards in it except that it fulfils my soul and brings me much, much joy. When my partner observed how busy and ‘stressed’ I was, he asked me why I was getting myself into it since I don’t get anything out of it. I looked at him and simply said, “Because I want to”. Period.

And quite recently, I planned a trip somewhere. My partner suggested that I took a flight since I am entitled to discounted tickets. And I told him my wish to drive my car instead. He was not too happy about it, and commented that he prefers me to drive his car which was safer debating that my car did not have a spare tyre for change if an incident occurred which may require me to do so. Obviously, he was coming from the space of love as he cared for my safety; but I looked at him and simply said, “I want to drive my car”. Period. Only to be followed by his even kinder gesture of teaching me how to use some spray can to fill up a punctured tyre in the event such situation did occur during my drive. His action aftermath was also of love and support.

And one more time, my partner offered to fetch our little one to school since I have been feeling tired due to some overwhelming work. Instead of sleeping in, I woke up in the morning together with him telling him of my wish to fetch our little one to school together and to have breakfast with him thereafter. He simply insisted that I rested and I looked at him and simply said, “I want to go with you and have breakfast with you.” Period. And we had an enjoyable time together.

Now, please do not understand that I am boasting of what I am capable of doing. Instead, I am simply sharing that the very space of freedom is possible for anyone, as long as they trust and truly believe that that experience is what they want and is entitled to it. As much as it tantamount to much fear to do it for the first time, as in to stand in the space of firmness of what one wants; it takes just that one time to do it, without excuses or any form of scheming, to come to realize that we had never been obliged or tight down by anything or anyone but by ourselves only.

We cannot diminish the care and concern others put onto us. Those are loving acts that others have towards us, just as we would probably do the same too from our own space towards others. Although I may have sounded or looked like an inconsiderate partner citing what I want most of the time without having to present my case as in excuses or reasons for my actions or decisions, I begin to observe that there is some sense of respect coming from my partner with regards to what I wish to do in my own space; merely a reflection of self-respect I have for myself. Even though he may at times, feel angry or irritated with what I have decided to do at any one moment in time, I trusted him enough to know that he could deal with his own feelings to reclaim himself (since he is in his own inward journey as well) and to have his honest expression to me of his feelings and thoughts if need be. And my role here is not to defend myself by creating excuses or reasons to justify why I am entitled to what I wish to do in my own space, but merely to be present to him and to bring him to see his own truth in the midst of my own inner process if I was not comfortable about it. If I needed to express my own feelings or thoughts of discomfort, I’d be given the same space as I had given out earlier. We cannot receive what we do not give out, and any moments like these, though resented by many, are just opportune moments to come back to ourselves.

Through my observation of his actions lately, I began to observe that he is too feeling a sense of freedom and self-respect in doing what he wants to do. I remember he used to ask me, ‘Is it ok if I play golf on Monday?’ or ‘is it ok if I go out with so-and-so for dinner?’ Of course, I used to see it as a problem when I didn’t know better then as I saw that he was robbing my time away when I had sacrificed my own wants just to be with him merely from the space of guilt and obligation, which is also guilt. These days, he just tells me ‘I am going to play golf on Monday’ or ‘I am going dinner with so-and-so’. Most days, there is allowance in his freedom for since I had tasted my own freedom I would not deprive him of his own since I loved him. On the days when I felt triggered by his being away, I do my own inner process and I find that there is much understanding arising from the trigger accompanied by a sense of freedom when I do not interfere with his wanting to honor himself as opposed to if I had made him stay back with me (and trust me, the skills of manipulation I have always make me at the winning end!). Although he would not have made a fuss (a good man he is!), my guilt would have taken a toll on me and hence prevented us from fully embracing our moments together anyway.

So our (my partner and I) common teacher reminds us constantly whenever we individually see him, “What is it that you want? It is that simple.” And I find that when I truly know what I want, and able to stand in my own space of integrity and honesty, I do not need to answer to anyone even though there seems to be people who are upset with me. But the reason that they are upset with me is not what they or I think it is, for how can I or what I do be the reason of their upset but theirs and my own ideas? So when I try to be compassionate and not trigger the other so that unhappiness would not emerge, and in the process allowing a sense of self-betrayal, am I truly empowering anyone at all? Of course I am not saying that we trigger others on purpose, but when it comes to a situation where I am asked to honor my sacred self or to accommodate another which is only a camouflage of a form of guilt within me, would I then be limiting my own growth in this area?

It is absurd as I observe that one partner willingly gives another freedom to do what he or she wants while restricting his or her very own freedom. Not that it is wrong since there is an obvious guilt hovering, but do we give in to that guilt, or at least give ourselves that opportunity to rise up above it by at least giving ourselves that opportunity to taste the freedom of saying and doing what we want from our hearts?

We cannot really avoid guilt for if it is there, it is just like a time bomb ticking waiting to be released – hence the resentment, the anger, the hurt, the disappointment, the hatred – and when one is unconscious, there is indeed a tendency to blame the other when it is not the other who has caused one’s delusion.

We can’t really dictate our partner or anyone’s journey for that matter. Who are we to do so although the tendency to do that is much clearer in a relationship due to the nature of attachment and co-dependency, which is why my examples stem from the point view of partnerships in a relationship.

When we invite ourselves to grow, we too invite others to grow in their own space. This is inevitable as no one outside does not reflect my inner world since I am the center of my own universe.

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Being Direct

Oct 31st, 2010 by

My personality of being direct is not something that many of those who knows me not know about. In fact, some may find my being direct has some form of harshness or brutality in it. Interestingly, some find my being direct a gift they embrace for my being honesty and straightforwardness brought them to much understanding, realization, and also a sense of freedom within themselves and also in the relationship that they have with me. Now, I am not saying that I am the one who made them realize. I am merely directing that due to my honest feelings and thoughts about what I observe relating to the other person, the other person who accepts with openness with what I have shared led to their own understanding, realization and freedom. In truth, their understanding, realization or sense of freedom has nothing to do with me but their own willingness to open themselves to possibilities. I’d like to think of myself more as the ‘key’ to the ignition. To start the engine or not is entirely the other’s choice.

So it has dawned on me, since quite recently that my approach of being direct and honest is somewhat ‘harsh’. And ‘harsh’ usually accompanies some form of attack, already willing the other to be on the ‘defense’ mode. And my partner told me earlier, that it is only to those who come to me to seek a way out that my mannerism seems to be coming from the space of clarity and truth, rather than to be of an attack, or judgment. Although I liked what I hear, I cannot deny the feeling of uneasiness when I am being perceived as being harsh and I am more speaking of self-judgment here rather than anything else. I pondered on it, as I usually did, if I could use a more subtle, soft or flowery way to express what I had to say. And I soon realized that if not for a spiritual friend pointing out directly (or rather indirectly) that he is constantly dealing with my harshness, I would not have known that I have judged myself being direct and honest as being harsh. So what is harshness but the opposite of softness, and the mind went back to some memories where there was no harshness in communicating what needs to be exchanged. So, obviously softness and gentleness were present. So how could it be that I am harsh when if I were to conclude what I am must be constant if that is truth?

Another of my spiritual friend, whom I trust very much for her honesty and authenticity with regards to anything that I have to express, shared with me her point of view of harshness. She said that if a person had perceived me, or anyone for that matter as being harsh, the other person very unconsciously has already some subtle form of defense. So it is my problem? In truth, no; because what others perceive and conclude is beyond my control. But my problem here is my own self judgment towards my directness.

I asked my wise friend if I ought to change myself, and she lovingly replied, “Just be yourself.” And I found that profound. Not because I can now confirm that I am really direct and straightforward in my expressions, and that it gives me more so a reason to be; but more so to flow with what is honest and truthful within my space. She expressed further that being my friend has a sense of freedom for she need not guess whether I liked certain things or not and she need not worry whether or not I would lie to her about what I think or feel as she knows almost 100% of the time that I would be honest with my feedbacks, without trying to sugarcoat anything. What is the point? I only cause myself sufferings when I am not honest with myself and by that, I cause other people unnecessary worry and guilt too.

And another wonderment I picked from this whole situation is that if not for my earlier spiritual friend’s honesty that he was constantly dealing with my harshness, I wouldn’t have known! Although some others have spoken to me of such sort, but it laid no impact since we did not share a very intimate or close relationship. But by virtue that this spiritual friend is indeed a dear friend close to my heart, I would tend to take his comments more seriously! So thank God for his honesty, if not I wouldn’t have known! And such is the beauty of honesty and being direct!

Have you ever been in an experience where you are waiting for an answer or an outcome to a certain situation? And as much as you wanted the situation to turn out the way you wanted, but when the answer comes – whether or not it fits the bill to what you had wished for – it normally comes with a sense of peace. It is the surety, the comfort of no-more guessing. Having said that of course, I have been told by one of my teachers to love my uncertainties… but somehow that ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ brings a conclusion to the mind so per se and whatever that arises from that situation be it happiness, jealousy, boredom, sadness can be dealt with more openly. Well, at least that is in my case. And this case, what I mean to say is that when we are hovering over whether to be truthful or not to ourselves and others, or waiting for others’ answers, it is mind-boggling! Take a wedding invitation for example. When a wedding couple gets married, they experience anxiety waiting for replies while on the other hand, some guests are unsure if they should say yes or no because they don’t really want to attend the reception, but yet feel obligated to do! If we are constantly and truly honest with ourselves, wherein lies the dilemma? And even if the couple feels disappointed when you say ‘no’, it would post much ease to their planning and trust me, they will get over it! If you are already feeling obligated to attend the reception, this only represents that the couple probably also invited you out of obligation! Having said that, of course, no judgment or guessing is required. What is asked is only a constant moment of honesty with ourselves. There is really no one out there.

I cannot depict what runs in others’ mind for not only is it none of my business, it is beyond my control. But what I can do is at least represent myself truthfully, honestly and clearly from my space as best as I can so that I could answer to myself genuinely without hiding from others, and more so importantly from myself. I’d like to leave a conversation, or a situation knowing that I have fully expressed what I have to say from my heart and not say what I have been guided not to say. I only have to trust myself; after all what I experience or choose to act has never been answerable to anyone (although many would like it that way), but to my very own self.

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Posted in Attitudes | 4 Comments »

“I”

Oct 27th, 2010 by

So we have been told that “I” am not what you think I am, and also not what I think I am. Who is in fact, the “I”, an “I?

“I” began to observe in my journey lately, how truthful the statement (can’t really recall who made that statement though) is that everything that happens is perfectly fine, until “I” come into the picture; more so when there is something that “I” want or “I” don’t want.

The other day, my little one came crying to me saying, “Mommi, A doesn’t want to follow me up the slide. She doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.” As I held her in my arms and asked her if A really did say that, she shook her head. I smiled, as if recognizing already that she was indeed in delusion. Since A did not say that, what made her so sure that A didn’t want to be her friend? I asked her again, what was it that she wanted more – to play on the slide, or to play with A? And she blurted, “I want to play on the slide and I want A to play with me.” Such is the nature of greed, one is never enough. It has to be filled with conditions – play with slide, and with A. As A came running to me later (as I was babysitting her), she mentioned that she met her friend at the same play place and was so excited about it! So I saw 2 “I”s there – one in delusion that A doesn’t want to be her friend because A doesn’t want to play slide with her and the other, forgetting my little one’s presence because she was overexcited when she saw a familiar friend.

Actually, nothing has happened. But this is a clear case of stories conjured in the mind, especially so in my little one’s case. If she had truly just wanted to play slide, it would have been fine to play on her own; and if she had really wanted to play with A, it wouldn’t have matter what other stuffs that A wanted to play and she would have enjoyed herself playing with her; perhaps, even getting to know a new friend. And here, she was suffering because of “I” want because she thinks that she is actually capable of dictating what she wants.

And when I don’t get what “I” want, “I” get hurt because of the perception or rather meanings put into a situation that doesn’t seem to go my way according to what “I” want – and then “I” make a conclusion, that person whom I had wished to play with me doesn’t want to be my friend. This conjures yet another meaning that “I” am unloved and unworthy – hence the tears.

Check deeply within, then we will know how untrue that statement is. However, it is a space or a state only to be realized and not mimicked to “make” me feel good or powerful, for until I fully realize the truth, I will continuously be affected by what happens in the outer reality. In truth, nothing had happened. A bumped into her friend and got excited! That was all, but my little one fell ‘asleep’ and felt hurt, hence the drama.

And later, when it was time for both their art class which they had planned to attend together, my little one went to tell A that it was time for class and quickly held A’s hand so tightly as if afraid that A would not follow her to class. As much as this is shown in a child, it is so typical of every of our unquestioned behavior or action. Isn’t it so, when we feel that it doesn’t belong to us, yet we want it, we tend to hang on to it even more tightly as if the minute we let go, it’d slip off our fingers and that we’d lose it forever?

So who is this “I” and what did the Buddha really mean when he said non-self? Was it to become so selfless that we totally deprive ourselves, our needs? Or was there an underlying meaning that we have not yet come to realize? In the initial journey of self-inquiry, or rather spirituality if you prefer, we start to realize indeed that who others thought we were, or who we think we were are not entirely true. And yet, there are some qualities of who we are. Still, in that space of who we are, we don’t really exist except marvel at what comes up in our experience. Non-self is not that there is no “I”, but the “I” in its true context has been very much misguided and misunderstood. And yet, to come to that space, would mean that we would have to acknowledge what is real to us at that point in time, only to realize that it is in fact unreal, for the ‘truth’ to arise. Even then, the ‘truth’ that arises at that point in time, may only means the opposite of what we had thought we were, and that too, is not entirely correct.

So who is “I”?

The truth is, it is not that there is no “I”; but the “I” is not what we think it is. “I” is truly, just an expression and nothing more than that.

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Posted in Ideas | 1 Comment »

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