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Bubbles

Oct 23rd, 2010 by

Yesterday my little one dragged me out of the house to play bubbles with her. As the bubbles were formed from our blowing action through the hole of which the bubbles were to be created, she invited me to use my nose to pop the bubble! I asked myself why I would do that, for it seemed so silly! Still, I attempted her suggestion since she seemed to have so much fun with it.

As I moved myself, or rather, my face and specifically my nose towards a particular bubble which I intended to pop, it seemed strange that I had a sense of fear arising! I mean, it is just a tiny bubble which is not even one tenth of my entire form and there I was, afraid of going near to the bubble! Factually, I was afraid that if the bubble pops as my nose touched it, my eyes would be hurt or my face would be wet; and interestingly as I ‘braved’ myself, determined to have that experience anyway, the bubble, as expected, did pop and disappeared right in front of it – except that the bubble did not ‘hurt’ or ‘wet’ my face as I had imagined; but instead made me realise how each time I am willing to just be present with each bubble (though in this case it is with my nose), the bubble disappears right in front of me.

Imagine each moment of our life, is each bubble on its own – created, floats for a while, pops and disappears. If a certain bubble signifies a moment of stress in our lives, it is common how we would turn our back or walk away from the bubble, fearful of how it would ‘harm’ or ‘hurt’ us; much only comes from our own imagination. Envisage if we just stood where we are, and not to say face the bubble head on for that would absolutely sound as if I am charging at the bubble, or the bubble charging at me; but to simply allow it to come to us, as close as possible and when it reaches our nose (meaning when we are present with it consciously), it pops and disappears all by itself, right in front of us.

So, life is like bubbles too; much like my previous “.” entry.

It is indeed much easier said than done. Until one can perceive life as just experiences, and that experiences are just like bubbles, and that bubbles themselves are not permanent, and that in each of its non-permanence is its non-existence; then one can begin to actually feel life differently – that in the nothingness of life, is blessed yet with the fullness of everything.

Wonderful, wonderful bubbles…

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The Happy Dream

Oct 23rd, 2010 by

Prepare you now for the undoing of what never was. If you already understood the difference between truth and illusion, the Atonement would have no meaning. The holy instant, the holy relationship, the Holy Spirit’s teaching, and all the means by which salvation is accomplished, would have no purpose. For they are all but aspects of the plan to change your dreams of fear to happy dreams, from which you waken easily to knowledge. Put yourself not in charge of this, for you cannot distinguish between advance and retreat. Some of your greatest advances you have judged as failures, and some of your deepest retreats you have evaluated as success.

Never approach the holy instant after you have tried to remove all fear and hatred from your mind. That is its function. Never attempt to overlook your guilt before you ask the Holy Spirit’s help. That is His function. Your part is only to offer Him a little willingness to let Him remove all fear and hatred, and to be forgiven. On your little faith, joined with His understanding. He will build your part in the Atonement and make sure that you fulfil it easily. And with Him, you will build a ladder planted in the solid rock of faith, and rising even to Heaven. Nor will you use it to ascend to Heaven alone.

Through your holy relationship, reborn and blessed in every holy instant you do not arrange, thousands will rise to Heaven with you. Can you plan for this? Or could you prepare for such a function? Yet it is possible, because God wills it. Nor will He change His mind about it. The means and purpose both belong to Him. You have accepted one; the other will be provided. A purpose such as this, without the means, is inconceivable. He will provide the means to anyone who shares His purpose.

Happy dreams come true, not because they are dreams, but only because they are happy. And so they must be loving. Their message is, ‘Thy Will be done’, and not ‘I want it otherwise’. The alignment of means and purpose is an undertaking impossible for you to understand. You do not even realise you have accepted the Holy Spirit’s purpose as your own, and you would merely bring unholy means to its accomplishment. The little faith it needed to change the purpose is all that is required to receive the means and use them.

It is no dream to love your brother as yourself. Nor is your holy relationship a dream. All that remains of dreams within it is that it is still a special relationship. Yet it is very useful to the Holy Spirit, Who has a special function here. It will become the happy dream through which He can spread joy to thousands on thousands who believe that love is fear, not happiness. Let Him fulfil the function that He gave to your relationship by accepting it for you, and nothing will be wanting that would make of it what He would have it be.

When you feel the holiness of your relationship is threatened by anything, stop instantly and offer the Holy Spirit your willingness, in spite of fear, to let Him exchange this instant for the holy one that you would rather have. He will never fail in this. But forget not that your relationship is one, and so it must be that whatever threatens the peace of one is an equal threat to the other. The power of joining its blessing lies in the fact that it is now impossible for you or your brother to experience fear alone, or to attempt to deal with it alone. Never believe that this is necessary, or even possible. Yet just as this is impossible, so is it impossible that the holy instant come to either of you without the other. And it will come to both at the request of either.

Whoever is saner at the time the threat is perceived should remember how deep is his indebtedness to the other and how much gratitude is due  him, and be glad that he can pay his debt by bringing happiness to both. Let him remember this, and say:

I desire this holy instant for

myself, that I may share it with my brother, whom I love.

It is not possible that I can have it

without him, or he without me.

Yet it is wholly possible for us to

share it now.

And so I choose this instant as the

one to offer to the Holy Spirit,

that His blessing may descend on

us, and keep us both in peace.

 

– Chapter 18:V, A Course in Miracles

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Compassion for Self

Oct 22nd, 2010 by

So often we have tasted the compassion of others, and our ‘so-called’ compassion for others. Yet, the most important self to be compassionate with, we tend to forget and again and again judge and hate. We cannot come to terms with the most important self, because of the strong belief that ‘I cannot be wrong’ and thus emerge the sense of self-righteousness, the sense of self-blame, and the sense of self-hatred.

The most important self to be compassionate with and for, is no other than ourselves. When we have not resolved what is in us, have not tasted compassion for the errors that we have made, where is there the sense of compassion for others? That is why the ‘so-called’ compassion as it is only mimicked and not true in its sense; and to truly know if our compassion for others is authentic is to really look within if we have been triggered by their well-being, behaviors or actions which have absolutely nothing to do with us.

I came across a recent incident where I felt triggered by a loving act of another. Why I would call it a loving act, is because there were things exactly of what I would do before to bring joy to others; except I usually did it at my own expense. The error here is for judging this beloved friend thus in a very indirect way of judging myself. How would I know if this beloved friend was doing it from the space of inspiration or seeking approval except my own interpretation of it? And where would my interpretation of it come from except from my own past experiences and own doing which I have yet to come to peace with?

As much as I might have brought much joy to others, it was not joy for myself. I did it with a sense of ‘sacrifice’ which in itself was a sin. And because I had deprived myself of the joy I had so deserved and desired secretly, I had judged myself and hated myself for it. To make matters worse, I am unable to forgive myself now as I fail to see that at that point in time; I only did my ‘best’, to mean adhering to the old programs within which I had never thought that was possible to break.

The errors multiply by themselves when ignorance is at play, and when I cannot see it, it develops into a giant snow ball which would take a big blow to break. And that is what happens when the intensity of the errors become too much to handle – we become so overwhelmed by it that the layer just become thicker and thicker, making it all harder for us to undo our folds of hoax, not to mention the original sin.

If I am unable to be compassionate to myself for the errs that I’ve made in the past, or even at present, how could it be possible to allow compassion to arise naturally from the space of love for another? Although it seems as if what another does has nothing to do with me, but as soon as I am effected even though the action is not directed at me, I can be sure that the arrow is headed my way; except that it is not the other who pulled the bow, but myself.

Yes. It isn’t enough just to recognize err; since recognition here may bring about more self-judgment, which is only just another form of err. The prize here is in non-judgment, and by that is already being compassion for self and thus the healing happens on its own, naturally.

A teacher once told me what compassion means to him – common passion. How very true. It is indeed the common passion shared amongst everybody, which of course can only be shared at a natural state when one has had compassion for self, in any mistakes that we are willing to make amends with.

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Supporting or Spoiling You

Oct 22nd, 2010 by

I’ve come across several situations where I’ve stood my ground with a firm ‘no’, and also of those where I’ve not stood my ground and said ‘yes’ when the inner world says ‘no’. Now, I began to ponder when I say a ‘yes’ to you during the times when I actually mean a ‘no’, am I truly supporting you or spoiling you? To think that I am supporting you, is another form of ‘doing’ to bring peace to that part of me that feels shitty and yucky when I actually wanted to say a ‘no’. Could that be anywhere near of what we call ‘love’ or ‘support’?

And what would propel me to do this, except my guilt of wanting to seek approval from you, or to uplift you not for your own good, but for my selfish want of not wanting to see you as a victim? But who is the real victim here, except myself?

So I tell myself, you are really weak, you are unconscious, you are blah-blah-blah and you need me; and then I move myself to come closer to you or allow you to come to me to ask help from me – when that happens, am I truly supporting you to empower you or myself from the space of love, or am I actually supporting you to further ingrain the meaning in you that you are actually that helpless, that unsupported, that weak? When instead of being stronger, your reliance upon me become strapping; am I then not spoiling you, in place of supporting you?

We are always presented with situations where we are asked to support or not. Usually, we will tend to support another especially if the other has posted his or her weaknesses but yet when it comes to the point of ‘I have to’ instead of ‘I want to’ then it does not empower anyone else; no one benefits at all. Even coming from the space of ‘I want to’, what is in for me? Sheer joy, or just a camouflage of what would have me deal with my guilt towards you?

But what has my guilt got to do with you although you seem to be in my space for me to address, when in truth it is still me who is the one that I’ve got to deal it? When will the story end? Never, until I come to terms with myself – my honesty towards myself.

All things are lessons God would have me learn – Lesson 193, A Course in Miracles

And what would God have me learn in this when I am presented with a choice of supporting you or not supporting you? They are still, in truth, the opposite sides of the same coin; except that in either choice that I make, it can come from the space of guilt, or from love. If I was to support you from the space of love, my joy would not be compromised; and if I were to not support you from the space of love, my joy too, would not be compromised. Both to support or not to support can come from the exact same space of my intention – and whatever you get out of it, depending on your programming, your ideas, your perceptions, you own willingness to rise up to your own greatness – therein lays your own reality. And does your reality have anything to do with me although I seem to be the catalyst for it? No. It has never, and will never be.

When it comes to the point of dishonoring myself, then I know that it is time to stop and ponder. Although it would be more powerful to be sure of the initial intention, rather than after the action has been done but most of the time I am in a delusion due to an ingrained long-playing pattern in me. So when I start to feel choked up, stressed or upset, it is come to recollect myself again and bring this long-playing pattern that does not serve my well-being to surface; for even from an initial intention of love, can turn to one of defilement when I do not question myself what stops me from honoring myself in the first place.

So my supporting you may end up spoiling you. And my not supporting you may end up empowering you although you may end up hating me for it if you are unaware of what is going on in your mind. But your hating me will never be as severe as me hating myself. What you may think or react or respond is beyond my control, and yet, what I think, react or respond is here only in my own space, within my responsibility of my own mindscape.

Can we all begin to take care of ourselves now, and allow everyone else around us to stand in their own true power, for each of our sake? The other day, a participant revealed that she was selfish if she did not help another. As I wrote the words ‘I am selfish’ on the whiteboard, I added another word in between them ‘sacredly’.

That is right, Sacred Selfishness. It is that sacredness in us which is utmost important – our mental peace, our well being. Is not our mental and emotional state essential? If we are not at peace with ourselves, unavailable for ourselves, how can we ever be entirely available and present to others?

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Recognizing the Light

Oct 15th, 2010 by

There was this day after a certain appointment, I walked around the shopping complex desiring not to head home to spend time with my family as I normally would. I strolled around aimlessly in the complex, as if contented just to be with myself or rather, with God. I looked around me and the people who were walking pass me, behind me, ahead of me, beside me; doing their own thing, saying their own thing – hand in hand, eating, talking on the mobile, kissing their children and etc – suddenly, I felt as if I was in heaven. I saw not people, but my brothers and sisters in light. I saw them enjoying their moments, their experiences as mundane or as meaningless as it can be. Some enjoying company with friends, some walking around aimlessly just like me, some pacing a little faster than another… it was beautiful. It was as if, they were not strangers, and that I knew them. And there was a feeling of warmness or coziness that accompanied it.

That heavenly state brought me to a state of bliss that cannot really be explained or defined in words; except to use the word ‘bliss’ as the closest description of it. There was a sense of freedom, joy and lightness that accompanied the experience, and that moment lasted as long as it could until worldly perceptions, concepts and ideas came into place. And by this, I meant to say that, that state was interrupted by a phone call of ‘where are you? when are you coming home?’

Naturally, the state of mind changed, and suddenly I am back to ‘reality’ – paying the car ticket, traffic jam, cars, rain… and when I step into the house it was ‘hi mommi’, ‘hi honnee bunnee’, ‘hi ma’am’. The recognition of light became the recognition of bodies, of form, or more true – labels and concepts.

I realized that when I did not see my partner as my husband, or my daughter as my child, or my dad as my father, or my mom as my mother, I feel a sense of freedom. But the minute the label hits the consciousness of my awareness, the rules and obligations of a certain role or function come into play. In truth, there is not really a difference; but yet those labels do a certain bondage to the mind.

The other day I had a chat with my dad who was disturbed by a certain outcome from a situation. I could practically feel the stress in trying to bring him to an understanding directed from an intention to convince, rather than to simply express precision to the situation; also, from my perception. And after a while, as if something took over as I surrendered my perception of my dad, I saw him not as a father, but of a man with essence, or rather the light within him. Much sense of peace and joy rode over. As soon as my judgment of my dad and his situation was released, he calmed down too, as if synchronizing with my state of mind. My earlier judgment of him had resulted in my seeing him as stubborn, as irritated; and my later surrendering of that very judgment or perception allowed me the experience of seeing him for him, just loving him in that very moment regardless of what he was saying.

So it is true that there are indeed no labels, concepts needed for a loving moment with another or anything. In fact, I sometimes get confused with my own name, one reason being given too many nicknames. But I recognized the name not of me, but yet I know the name given me – whatever it is – is merely for someone to address me amongst others when I am in a crowd. How else would I know that my attention is needed?

A teacher has mentioned that we are pure light, yet due to where we are in this so-called ‘reality’, we can’t really run away from concepts or labels due to the deep meaning we all give it too. Yet, taking away those labels and concepts which are men made, we are totally free.

I was expressing to a beloved today that I do not recognize his form, yet I know that it is him. It is as if, the physical body is just a vessel, like a robot (corpse may actually be too harsh a word) being maneuvered by him for expression. Of course, ‘him’ or in fact anyone for that matter may very well be just a bundle of ideas; but I am speaking of something else here which is beyond ideas that I am recognizing – an essence. And the truth is, essence itself has no qualities in it. Still, there is a sense of familiarity and acquaintance which is recognizable. Qualities are merely ideas.

As I witness my brothers and sisters in light, being from a stall owner to a beggar at the night market yesterday, I marvel with joy at their experiences. There was no longer sense of pity, or even compassion that arises in that space if I may sound a little heartless to one who has been conditioned by ideas not questioned by him or her.

‘We are still here’ someone told me. While that is somewhat true, but once there are glimpses of truth, we can’t shake the truth out of our system. No wonder, many do not dare tread on the path of spirituality. Perhaps, they already knew and yet unwilling to let go of what is unreal and what cannot belong to them.

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Living for Me Only

Oct 13th, 2010 by

Some time back, a friend asked me if she was living her life for herself, or for others. And having a cuppa with her yesterday, she asked me that question again and answered her own question: that it was both. She explained that since her parents gave her life, she is obliged to live her life for her parents, and now that she has grown up, she lives her life as well as her parents; more like a combination of some sort.

This is a very common question for anyone when they come to a point where they find that they wish to do something different from what others would want or expect them to do. And during this time, is somewhat like a crossroad – to please myself, or to please others.

Any form of ‘living for others’ is a form of seeking approval from others. When we deviate from our own dreams to live somebody else’s dream for or of us, we tend to think that we are living someone else’s life. While to a certain extent it is true, for instead of keeping myself happy, I am doing what I am not really wanting to do to keep others happy, but by the mere fact that I am doing it for the sake of seeking approval from others, I am living for myself once again.

While there is no right or wrong in any decisions that we make, whether we listen to our inner vocation, or to follow others’ opinion for us, it is important to know why we tend to do the latter instead of the former. I want them to be happy, or to be proud of me, they say, but can we then see that it is a ‘I want’ and by that virtue, you are already living for yourself; except that coming from that space, it is more of a self betrayal rather than anything else.

It is easy to tell someone, this is your life, not theirs, you don’t need to listen to them but so much harder for that someone to listen to you as long as they have not addressed to why they have a strong need to listen to others, instead of themselves. Just take a look at some children who actually would like to pursue their own interests but end up in their parents’ companies. If you tell them that they have a choice, they will tell you that they have no choice – simply because they have already made a choice for themselves that they need to seek their parents’ approval, and that they wish not address the guilt that lies within – I need my parents to be happy with me.  

In many instances of my journey where I am called to make decisions before, I tend to give in to others up to the point that my saying ‘no’ seemed to be shocking to them. And when the ‘no’ is shocking, I tend to become submissive once again as I was so afraid that they would be unhappy. But what is it in for me if they are unhappy – their disapproval of me, their withdrawal of love to me. But could that be any case true? I’ve questioned myself many times, if someone was to disappoint me and make me angry (which is impossible by the way not by the fact that I am a saint but by the very truth that there is no one out there who could trigger me save for myself), would I love them any less? And the answer was no – the love is unwavering. So why did I doubt of their love towards me as wavering when deeply I knew that the bond that exists would not be altered by things like that?

Coming back to living for myself or others – it makes no difference. The difference is what we want at the end of the day; I want to do the things I want, or I want to seek approval from others by doing the things that others want me to do. Either way, is what ‘I want’. There is no other.

Until one has the clarity to see this truth, then perhaps when it comes to a point where a decision such as this needs to made again, one can then make a more conscious decision of what they want. Again, there is no right or no wrong – only that the consequences of experiences from any of the decisions made are different.

If one derives inner joy of doing things that he or she wants to do, who is to say that it is wrong? And if one derives inner joy from obtaining approval from others by doing things that others want them to do, who is to say that it is wrong? As much as I am trying to place this truth on a neutral platter, the reality is that we would already know that the latter leads to an addictive pattern of relying or being dependent on others. Again, if that is what one wants, who is to say that it is wrong?

So, we don’t live for others. We have always lived for ourselves. Only we do not know, do not see it, and tend to use others as scapegoats for our own sufferings.

Considerations for others? Oh puh-lease… who are you kidding???

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Setting a Limit to sit with Emotions – How Long?

Oct 12th, 2010 by

Following an experience as cited in my earlier entry Full Frontier, I begun to see that there is indeed no need of a storyline for any feelings to arise but to stay with it. Any storyline that accompanies the feeling usually just intensifies the feelings resulting in either grasping or running away from it. In any case, as soon as we are able to recognise that these feelings are part of nature, then no judgment, holding on, or resistance is needed though it may not be necessarily a choice depending on individuals. Until one starts to see nature at work, it is likely that an emotional healing can take place from those feelings.

Here I share with a piece of article from DailyOm.com which resonates with my recent experience of being with feelings, rather than running away from it. May you too, be blessed with whatever it takes towards your path of rehabilitation. – GG

=====

When an emotion haunts us, it is often because we are afraid of really feeling it.


Our emotions color our lives with varying palettes. Sometimes we feel a strong emotion in reaction to something that has happened, but emotions also visit us seemingly out of the blue, flooding us unexpectedly with joy or grief or melancholy. Like the weather, they come and go, influencing our mental state with their particular vibration. Sometimes a difficult emotion hangs around longer than we would like, and we begin to wonder when it will release its hold on us. This is often true of grief stemming from loss, for example, or lingering anger over a past event.

Usually, if we allow ourselves to feel our emotions fully when they come up, they recede naturally, giving way to another and another. When an emotion haunts us, it is often because we are afraid of really feeling it. Emotions like despair and rage are powerful, and it is natural to want to hold them at bay. Certainly, we don’t want to let them take us over so that we say or do things we later regret. When we are facing this kind of situation, it can be helpful to ask the spirit, “How long do I need to sit with these emotions, how long do I need to feel these emotions before they can pass?” If you ask sincerely and wait, an answer will come. Setting a time limit on your engagement with that difficult emotion may be just the technique you need to face it fully.

When you have a sense of how much time you need to spend, set a timer. Sit down and make yourself available to the emotion that has been nagging you. All you have to do is feel it. Avoid getting attached to it or rejecting it. Simply let it ebb and flow within you. Emotions are by their nature cyclical, so you can trust that just as one reaches its apex it will pass. Each time you sit with its presence without either repressing or acting out, you will find that that difficult emotion was the catalyst for much needed emotional healing.

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I am Special

Oct 11th, 2010 by

What is specialness but a belief of not being special?

As I goggled the word ‘specialness’, something interesting caught my eye in its definition: the state or quality of being special; accompanied by an example: He was vain about his specialness until he realized he was really very common.

It is very easy to be swayed away into a delusion of specialness, which exists anywhere and everywhere. Take a look at our materials, relationships. It is common that we tend to pay more attention to a particular asset as compared to the other assets we own; and it is also too frequent that we tend to pay attention only to one person, especially in a relationship. Since materials are dead and cannot really respond per se, I guess what would really pose a challenge to our well being are relationships. And we go on seeking and seeking, until we lose ourselves along the way, unable to break the chain of wanting, desiring. From a pure space of joy and appreciation, it may very well lead to a space where there exist jealousy, anguish, terror, betrayal, abandonment of which all only exists in the mind when one forgets.

If I am seeking for specialness, I will find all ways to prove it – he sends me flowers, he says he loves me, he calls me often… and yet if there is no full appreciation of the moment, what follows up is wanting more and more of it, as if addicted. The mind then makes up storylines of how we are twin flames, soul mates, partners in previous lives and etc, just so to justify that it is right for this specialness to occur, that it is right to fight for the relationship to ‘exist’, to be official! Again, I am not meaning to say that it is wrong to have and experience specialness, but merely when one is unaware and unwise its results lead to pain and suffering.

It is fascinating to find that when two people first fall in love together, they go through phrases in a relationship of insecurity, approval, betrayal, abandonment (though in subtle forms) and get back together again after rounds and rounds of convincing, persuading and evidence of proof that – yes, I am the one! How egoistic can that be? And then they get married, have children and then find that the person that they marry is not the one for them. Really, isn’t it a funny story?

And one of my wise beloved cited in her message to me, “just because he so happen to address only to you, then the mind thinks, ‘I am special!’” I could not stop laughing heartily! How true her statement! And when the thought of ‘I am special!’ arrives, associating with this person that seems to be making me feel that way, I become devoted to him and start to scheme and manipulate my ways so that he could produce those feelings of my being special again! And he doesn’t give me what I want, I will feel hurt, angry, disappointed, betrayed, abandonment and all other feelings that come with it. The whole family of pain just visits!! What a set up!

It was such an interesting and shocking moment to me to finally arrive at a space where I actually felt peaceful for not being special. And in that space of absurdity, I am already special, without needing anyone to express or confirm that I am special.

To seek for specialness, is to believe that I am not special. And yet how can that be true? In truth, we are each special, and it is only when we start to seek specialness in a thing or a person, then we’d know that we are once again in hallucination.

Here I share with you one of my teacher’s entries Nothing Special is Special.

May I remember at each and every moment, that there is no one out there who can make me feel any more special than I already am.  

*Special here does not mean being unique, superior, inferior or any different from any other persons but merely an appreciation of the essence within.

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Impersonally Personal

Oct 11th, 2010 by

At a deeper level, if one is able to see that all are but workings of the mind, that we are constantly being pulled by the nose; one has awaken to reality at least for that moment. Everything is mind-related -ideas. It sounds impersonal and yet it can get so personal because we tend to immerse ourselves into the thoughts presented to us by unquestioned ideas so quickly and blindly, without much awareness.

A loved one earlier commented when I was sharing a revelation I got from my recent experience of betrayal and abandonment, that I was able to see it through so quickly. While I cannot say that it is totally dissolved, but it seems that taking the step to just be aware of it, in other words be with it; rather than react, blame or find a scapegoat somehow set a different course for the mind. A form of undoing was being done, albeit in layers.

It is as if the mind goes into a transition state, not knowing what to do, hence translated to a feeling of being in a daze, lost or disorientation after our non-doing by being with it, whatever state of mind or feelings that arise as effects. Much like a pot filled full with dust and suddenly smashed, allowing the dust to dissipate into the air and then disappear all by itself.

I begin to see a deeper meaning to the word ‘Atonement’ and the results of it. While a friend shared a year ago that her meaning of Atonement meant some formless of a thing is facilitating an undoing process in the mind, a wise teacher of mine recently shared that ‘Atonement’ means being in the moment. I did not understand both but wondered for a while what relevance the two meanings given me for the meaninglessness of words can bring one who has never experienced such to a state of confusion.

The recent experience I had allowed me to see how being in the moment amidst the pain and torment without judgment or reacting to it called for a form of undoing. It is as if a certain fixed pattern or program which ran in the mind for ages were sudden stalled and it was a shock to the mind system hence not knowing what to do. As the mind is in need of ideas, or programming in order to perform its work so per se, there was no substitute ideas following hence the very program which was running was somewhat temporarily frozen. Why I say temporarily is because I am unsure if the program is now officially malfunctioned until the next trial run.

Even until another idea which may very well be an underlying behind the ideas which generated the earlier feelings surfaces, atonement is still necessarily. So it is not a touch and go process or a quick 2-in-1 coffee as how another of my wise teacher puts it, but a continuous journey of a never ending highway.

Being in the moment requires constant state of mindfulness or self awareness. When we are not conscious and buy into the thought system that is running in the mind, we behave and react as if hypnotized by a spell. And the story goes on and on… especially when we seem to be enjoying the drama hence already further imprinting the chronicles in the mind. And each time we allow further imprinting, the patterns are embedded deeper and robustly into the mind. No wonder it is hard for anyone to wake up to it!! This is very much similar to what some practitioners teach of ‘putting more energy into the thought’.

The thing is this; we can’t not put energy into the thought by not thinking about it. When it comes, it just comes. We are never really thinking but thoughts just flow themselves in and out of our minds, and as a friend revealed honestly that he does pick and choose his storyline when he meditates. He could see the thoughts or ideas passing by and gets hooked to one or two of them because it seemed interesting to him and hence the drama starts, that is when he is unconscious.

Get to know the mind, and we get to know ourselves. Last night, another teacher of mine (different from the 2 teachers I mentioned above) expressed that some of her students expressed that they wanted to meditated or learn mindfulness because they wanted to become rich or to lose weight. Although that was not really in line with the vision of what my teacher had, but all of us at the table did ponder a little about the intentions shared by the students. Although the usual pathway derived from mindfulness is not really about things like that, but who are we to say that it is not possible as soon as we understand the workings of the mind?

Whatever the objectives, I rejoice with those who have at least attempted their first step onto the path of mindfulness or self awareness for which the understanding and workings of the mind will thus be revealed.

The mind – really, it is nothing personal; and yet can entail a very personal experience when we as the observer, become one with the observed.

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Behind the Façade of an Action

Oct 11th, 2010 by

An action manifested by one can be perceived quite differently by another. For instance, if one offers to be of assistance or support to another, it may come from a space of love and joy unconditionally, that even if the answer to that offer is a ‘no’, no sense of rejection or resentment may be sown. However, if the offer came from the space of fear or guilt which makes no difference in truth, then the aftermath of each effect unfolds yet another drama, one after another.

What I would perceive as loving support from another may not be entirely the reality from the perspective of the offerer although what is important is what is in my space to address and where he comes from is irrelevant. But what I mean express in this context is that, even on the surface level, it seems as if one was offering loving support to another because of love, the true intention behind it could very well be the fear of being judged, or questioned when loving support was not offered.

For instance, a man who is outside knows that his partner is going through some emotional trauma at home, yet at the same time wishes to spend time with his friends outside; what would he choose as soon as the phone call from his partner comes to him? He may immediately offer his loving support by assuring his partner that he will be home with her, or he could honor himself and express his needs to spend time with his friends. Either way, it is an expression of love to his partner; but not necessarily the case for the man. If the man was to inquire deeply within his realm, if he had chosen to offer his loving support by being home when he actually wanted to go out with his friends, he would then realize that it was not genuine support for his partner that has resulted in his decision to go home but the fear of being questioned or the fear of any dis-ease in the relationship that he may encounter as his motivations to give up the good times he might have had with his friends. And on the other hand, his partner may think what a lovely partner she has, standing by her side during her times of trial. And much later in the relationship, when resentment starts to build within the man; the partner totally unaware; that one day should he burst, it would have very much taken his partner by surprise! As you can see here, an action albeit a simple one, is perceived differently by individuals.

The tendency for the man to blame the partner afterwards will be so so strong and it will take a lot of self awareness and integrity of his partner to see his call for love, rather than being victimized by him. Equally, it would take the same qualities and skills of self awareness and integrity not to make his partner as the scapegoat for his own guilt.

As much as a relationship doesn’t really exist except in the state of mind, it is important to address our inner world and our mirrors to a certain extent so that the relationship empowers the two people who have chosen to honor such a connection, rather than brutalizing each other mentally and emotionally. Although the brutalized situation whether mentally, emotionally or physically can also come in a form of empowerment but this usually happens when either one breaks free from the connection or relationship and start anew with another. If one does not have the wisdom to see the nature of duality then it is likely that one might hold grudges against the previous partner.

While conversing with a loved one lately, she expressed that her current husband is her teacher, as he taught her how to love as compared to her previous husband who taught her how to hate. I brought her to see, how both her husbands were indeed her teachers in equal sense, explaining that without her previous husband’s teaching of hatred, she may not have learn or appreciate what it is to love or to be loved.

While many stress how important wisdom is in one’s life as to thread a path of freedom, I’d say that the importance of self awareness, or rather mindfulness is even more important. Not that one is more important than another, but without the initial start of self awareness or mindfulness, the repercussion of wisdom or awakening may be hard to arise.

It is not about digging what has not surfaced. It is about being honest and honoring ourselves from deep within by addressing the illusionary self-made unconscious guilt that comes along with any unmanifested or manifested action.

A note: to intellectually understand that unconscious guilt is unreal is insufficient, efforts need to be made in order to fully realize and see past it. And the partial deal to realizing it is to acknowledge and accept it as it is, without judgment of any sorts. Indeed paradoxical, but ironically, that is how it works.

Blessed is a connection between two partners bearing integrity, honesty and truth as their base – who’d make the best out of their connection with each other to nurture wisdom and move towards freedom.

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