Feed on
Posts
Comments

“Aloneness” in Siblinghood

Apr 26th, 2010 by

Most of the time, people will ask people with an only child, “when are you having another one” or “are you planning to have another one”. Rarely, people will tell people, “it is fine to just have one” or “the kid is fine on his/her own”; unless they themselves have only one kid, that is, because they’d decided for themselves that they only wanted one kid. Yet, there are those also who have only one kid; they’d tell you, “I regret not having more, because the kid grew up really lonely.”

Lonely. That’s the word. The much misperceived culprit that lure parents to have more and more kids, for the wrong reason – so that the children will have each other, when they are ‘gone’. While there are people who simply love having more children, many parents strongly believe that it is always nice for their kids to have siblings – because they never had siblings (hence imagines that it is nice to have siblings), or because they have siblings (enjoyed the support from siblinghood).

I am not denying that siblings have a lot of fun together; but I am also acknowledging that not everybody is close to their siblings. Close, but not the closest. Take for instance, would you tell your deepest darkest secret to your sibling? Possible, but highly unlikely.

I’ve observed in my own siblinghood and that of my husband’s – the siblings are close, yet not very close; not close, yet very close. We stand in unity when there is a ‘problem’ to be faced, or an ‘occasion’ to be celebrated. Other than that, we are on our own. Willing at heart, the ‘problem’ or ‘occasion’ is experienced with much fun and laughter; unwilling at heart, feelings of grudge, blame and resentment surfaces. It is as if when there is a need to get close, the possibility to get close is materialized. If not, we are all on our own. And I wondered if there are no siblings, does that mean that I would not survive?

Now that I am on my spiritual journey, I am more aware of the types of conversation I have with my siblings. I realize that I communicate differently to one, and differently to another. So similar to experiencing a Multiple Personality Disorder as cited in my earlier post of Authenticity. Not that I love one more than the other, but one just tends to be more receptive to what I share than the other; and really, does at all that justify my communicating to each of them differently? Indeed a strange behavior.

Yesterday I realized that even if we are born in the same family, brought up the same way; we are all different. We have different dreams, different ways of live, different meanings of life. It’s not that I would not share what I’ve learnt with my siblings, but are they really my siblings? Or just a figment of my imagination?

And then I pondered why have more kids? Because the first child may be lonely; have no one to play with; no one to talk to; no one to discuss with concerning any important issues in his or her life?  How often is it that I turn to my siblings, or my siblings turn to me to discuss or make a decision about a life-important matter? I’d say, nil. I’d discuss deeply with my partner, my friends, professionals or even counselors but hardly ever, with my very own siblings.

I have always felt ‘alone’ in my journey in life eventhough I have siblings anyway. So what difference does it make to have or not have siblings, except to declare that ‘I have siblings’? How often do we really connect deeply with each other, or encourage each other to grow if not share our deepest darkest secret with any one of them. Definitely, there are some siblings who are that close. But that is not what I experience in my space. And from observation too, there are, in some siblinghood a sort of subtle competition between each other to outdo each other.

Continuing the journey of reclaiming self; we are each, alone. There comes to a point in time when we start identifying all the faulty ideas we have in the mind and begin standing in our own integrity and be true to ourselves which entails a sort of loneliness that accompanies it, in the space of ignorance. In the space of Wisdom, it is aloneness.  And mind you, they are different.

It is finding that joy, love and peace that has never left us and that we are so contained in our aloneness that there is freedom abiding. So sibling or not, it doesn’t really matter. And if it does not matter, why does a child need at least, a sibling? They (the siblings and the children) are afterall, just our imagination; so are our partners, parents, friends and enemies.

Tags: , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | 3 Comments »

Problems? Only One.

Apr 25th, 2010 by

There is in truth, only one problem; that when recognized, is already solved.

There are many forms of problems, we say; but they are really just the same problem. And when we can recognize that problem, it is solved.

‘you must be kidding!’ you tell me; ‘of course I am not!’ I tell you – and then you’d probably start differentiating the difference between problems in careers, relationships, friendships, families, religions, politics, money or what have you. And I am telling you again, ‘all problems are the same – there is only one problem – and when you recognize that ONE problem, it is solved!’

So, what is it?

And my teacher said, “In true nature everything is the manifestation of wisdom. It is our ignorance and delusional min that sees it otherwise. In other words our seemingly separation makes it so. Simple, isn’t it?”

What is Separation? Separation from what? But, what is the use of pointing you to the Moon when you would; instead of walking towards the Moon; stand right where you are to watch the Moon? And to watch the Moon, you are separated from it; to walk towards the Moon, you get closer to the Moon and suddenly, you realize that there has never been distance between you and the Moon – that the distance did not exist; VOILA! You are the Moon! But, to be there, you can’t just stand there to watch. You have to walk, first. But then again, where is the ‘there’? Is it, really just the Moon?

‘There’ is a place which is beyond the explanation of anything that can be put into words, pictures or music.  ‘There’ is a place where no problems could exist because there is no-thing there.

There is no-thing because no-thing exists. Problems exist here because of ideas of separation which initiated from the idea of “I”. When the ideas of the false self had withered, the Truth is then surfaced. In fact, I cannot even say that there is a “true self” so to speak because that could imply duality, which in truth does not exist but in a dream. In fact, I am inclined to think that there is no such thing as Self.  And even if there is, it is not in the context of meaning that both you and I can understand. 

And so J says, “Above all, remember that you have one problem and that the problem has one solution. It is in this that simplicity of salvation lies. It is because of this that it is guaranteed to work. …Do not deceive yourself about what the problem is, and you must recognize it has been solved.”

Problems? Seriously, only one. Recognize it, and it has been solved.

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in Ideas | No Comments »

Attachment, Detachment

Apr 24th, 2010 by

It is very easy to get ourselves attached to something, or someone. And this is always because we perceive that something, or someone does something wonderful to or for our being when we feel overwhelmed. And so you see, it is really not that something or someone that we are seemingly attached to; but more of the feelings which arise in us which we have perceived come with the concurrence of that something or someone in our space. Take for instance, a mother who gives birth to a child. Just because the baby came out from her so per say, she begins to think that the baby is hers. As she nurtures and cares for the baby as time goes by, she reaffirms that the baby, is indeed hers because she feels that she is important in one’s life – oblivious that her functions to the baby are only as a guardian or a caretaker. One of the examples of attachment.

In most of my recent conversations with others, I begin to observe why people who were initially on their spiritual journey would, out-of-a-sudden, limit themselves half way through. Nevermind about the unwillingness to face what is within but they were afraid that once they have embraced the spiritual journey fully, which is in truth a journey of no return; they’d lose everything. There are things that the mind imagines – I would not love my children as I love myself; I would leave my husband; I would have to give up money/career; or I would lose this or that… in short, I would have nothing. Now, who is the “I” here?

See how the mind conjures a meaning of the word ‘letting go’ or ‘detachment’? Let’s just assume that this perception came from the association of someone who was important in society and thereafter sold his Ferrari, left his family so to speak, gave up his career to become a monk. So could it be this type of scene or retold stories that makes one think that to be a monk, or to be on a spiritual journey, one has to detach or let go in such a way? Waitaminute… how did the Mind even come to the conclusion that embarking on the spiritual journey would lead to letting go or detachment?

This morning a loved one shared with me two stories: –

First Story

Despite her previous endeavor on the spiritual journey or so she says, she has chosen to remain ‘attached’ to her children and family because she would otherwise have no other ‘thing’ to do in her life – nothing to worry about, nothing to be happy about, no one to care about, no one to give advice to. She likes the myriad of feelings she feels; the ups and downs; but also confessed that as soon as the discomfort or pain draws near to her core, she’d redraw herself from the situation. She explains that she knows how to control herself. I wonder, if she meant that she knew how to control her own mind?

As she shared the first story, I observed that she was not attached to her loved ones per se, but more to the made-up meanings of her loved ones in the mind. I wondered, if she knew the difference.

Second Story

She emailed her sister, who is always over-the-top over her (the sister) children. In the email, she advised  her sister that she (the sister) ought to find time for herself and to start loving herself. Very wise advice indeed. Her sister’s reply however, shocked her. In her sister’s reply, she said, “I will consider what you have suggested, and try to love myself more than my children.” It is indeed comical. She (as in my loved one) and I laughed a little. Since when did loving oneself mean not to love another/others or to love them less? Is our love tank so ridiculously small?

I wondered again if they truly knew what was in the abyss of their minds, would they remain as bonded or stressed out as they are now.

It is hard to explain how when one loses everything, one has everything. The closest that I could put into words is that ‘detachment’ or ‘letting go’ doesn’t mean that we need to give up things or anyone; but the meaning of things or people in our minds. And the ‘meaning’ here, is the perceptions and ideas conjured from past experiences, observations and data; stored in the mind. When these ideas, which really do not serve us anyway, are questioned and transcended, we not only free ourselves of bondage, but also others. We would be able to see others clearly. Very similar to one of the ending scenes in the movie Avatar where, Neytiri, fully accepting Jake as he is (not a kind of her own) says to Jake, “I see you”. We can finally see others without our own ideas/meanings projected onto them and hence there lay a possibility to love freely, respond loving and peacefully –anything and anyone.

It is very strange that after knowing all this, some of us still think that it is the easiest to remain that attachment, that grudging feeling at the pit of our stomachs and complaints.

Could it be that it is not freedom that we really want? Could it be that peace is not really what we seek? Then why so much protesting for freedom and peace? Surely, something is missing here.

Or, could it be that we see there no possibility of freedom and peace, thus the lifting of the white flag?

But what if I were to tell you, that it is possible; and all it takes is only your willingness, and your courage. Would that you bring you back, a little closer to Home?

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | 3 Comments »

Communication with Others

Apr 23rd, 2010 by

A beloved came over for dinner tonight. After dinner, we headed off for gelatos and in the midst of our indulgence in the gelatos, she abruptly told me that she had an argument with her partner. As I listened to her story, I was careful for the mind not to interpret what I was listening to with a past experience (which would immediately lead to judgment from past perception) but to fully observe and understand the situation which she presented to me.

It seemed that her partner was supposed to buy dinner for her the night before, prior to a badminton game he had scheduled. The arrangement for the dinner-buying was already made at about 6pm. He called her at about 8pm (his game was scheduled at 9pm) to ask her what she wanted for dinner in a very hurried and irritated voice. She requested for porridge. His response towards her became somewhat more irritable with a sense of increased anger in his voice, reasoning that porridge would take too long to pack and that he was rushing for his game. She obviously got pissed, and started to tell him off.

She explained that if he were to treat her that way, then he should allow her space to do the same. The question here is – who is stopping her? Of course, I am not saying that it is a necessary action on her part, but if she could observe carefully the reason behind his sudden attack towards her, surely she would feel compassion for him, rather than the counter-attack.

It’s guilt. And it happens to everyone of us – and I mean the guilt and the situation above. When we have agreed to our partners, or even someone close to us to do something and we grudgingly do it, at our own expense so to speak, we begin to feel uncomfortable and guilty; guilty because I shouldn’t be feeling this way; guilty because I shouldn’t be doing this; guilty because I shouldn’t have promised him/her. And believe it or not, very seldom we look inwards because we feel that there is no time to do so, or that it is not necessary to do so. But we feel it, there is no denying it and we feel shameful and vulnerable already – but we cannot let another know.  What would another think of us? They would confirm that we are wrong, we are shameful, we are ugly or, we are unworthy of their love – but really, is that true? Or just a figment of our own imagination?

And so in order to defend ourselves, we attack first. Yes, that would be the safest, wouldn’t it? And then they would submit to us, so that we would win and once again reaffirm that we are worthy, we are great, we are right. But is that at all, possible?

And so we are attacked. “Oh no, what shall I do? But I didn’t do anything wrong!! He/She promised me!!” And so we start the mode of defense by attacking another. And the attack on one another goes on and on in a vicious cycle… non-stop; until one party feels tired and defeated and finally says, “Fine! You win!” or “I am sorry, I will never do that to you again.”

But does that truly solve the ‘problem’? How many times have someone promised us to do or not to do something, and yet time after time repeat it again? Are we requesting for the other to change him/herself so to make me feel better? Have we not, so unconsciously, given away and continuously give away our power to others for our own happiness and peace of mind?

Compassion and authentic communication between one another takes a lot of integrity and responsibility of oneself. We are responsible for our own shit. Period. There is no one out there who could love us the way we’d want to be loved even if we were to find the most loving, romantic or understanding person on earth.

And to begin this kind of communication with others that empowers both us and others is to go inwards. We begin to take responsibility for our own needs, feelings and vulnerability without expecting others to fulfill our needs. Although requests can always be made, but we need to be mindful that those requests must not come with expectations if one is to experience a loving and peaceful relationship with others. And in that communication of openness and vulnerability, the relationship heightens to another level aiding self understanding and the understanding of another.

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | No Comments »

Authenticity

Apr 23rd, 2010 by

Multiple Personality Disorder or also known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (defined in Wikipedia) is a psychiatric diagnosis describing a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. Apparently, it means that a person has at least two personalities which routinely take control of the individual’s behavior with some form of memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness. These people, with the little knowledge I have, are either put away in asylums, or being put under some sorts of medication or supervision.

Sometimes I wonder how we are any different from them. We too suffer from such disorder only that we are oblivious to it. Perhaps there is one difference, and that would be that we do not suffer the memory loss part.

Consider this, in front of our boss, we could be submissive; in front of our subordinates, we are authoritative; in front of our parents, we are good children; with our friends, we have all sorts of fun that our parents would never find out; with our children, even worst – we portray a persona so perfect so that the child could always look up to us for good example. The list goes on, but I am sure you know where I am heading by now.

Not saying that any of that is wrong, or abnormal. What I am questioning is that why couldn’t we just authentically be ourselves? There is certain nature within us which is just us – either we talk a lot, or we laugh a lot, or whatsoever. It doesn’t matter. Surely there is an authentic Self that we must know that we have!

The closest example I could share is a relationship I share with a loved one. We don’t really hang out a lot, but whenever we do, we connect and have lots of fun conversing. This normally happens when he is out of a relationship or when we are physically very far away from each other; and unfortunately, these two scenarios doesn’t happen too frequently. Even if we were to have breakfast with each other, it would be a fine and fun conversation between us both until someone comes along uninvited and sits at the same table. His behavior towards me would be a 180 degrees total opposite. From loving fun to disgustingly authoritative. I never knew what this all meant, until I took my own stories out to observe. I used to think that I might have offended him somehow which made him react to me that way. But now, after much observation, I realized that it was a role he had to play in front of others – to be more superior to me because he is a boy and I am a girl (we are related, by the way).  As if others would think of him differently if he was to behave lovingly towards me and vice versa.

I would have to say that I am guilty too of a Multiple Personality Disorder for a major part of my life. The different personas we take on are always arising from the space of fear, guilt and shame. We are so afraid of being judged that we are unworthy, not good enough, bad if we were just to be ourselves. The truth is this; we ourselves are judging ourselves that way thus that fear. And the ego says, “respect others mah!!” Oh how could that be respect? To respect is to pretend to be who you are not? That is totally absurd.

Each of us have an authentic self, who can authentically express ourselves, lovingly and joyfully and do whatever we want, as long as it makes us happy. The only problem is that we were never taught how we could freely, just be ourselves. Right, the word here is FREE-LY. We had always been conditioned or taught to behave this way or that way, to make people think that we are like-this or like-that, so that people would approve of us. Don’t you think it is time to put down that mask? It is only the fear and guilt that disallow us to spread our wings to rise up to which we truly are. And these fear and guilt are only stemming from a belief system which serves us no more. Can we begin to question these ideas? Can we begin to break down the false net which binds us to the core? It is really time to wake up now. Our true authentic self is at stake.

Tags:

Posted in Attitudes, Going Inwards | 1 Comment »

The Egoic Cycle

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

This is existence is as such, at least on this plane. We want the success, the joy, the happiness, the excitement hence we had inevitably ‘agreed’ to accept the failure, the pain, the sadness, the fear; in our experience. To understand this is to see through the veils of illusion. To see through this illusion, is to finally understand that they are merely different sides of the same coin. To see though the coin, is to come to peace with it. And that peace too, is an illusion at another level. For in peace, there exist too, a space of non-peace. When peace as an illusion is finally understood, then there is impartiality.

But this impartiality, also comes with its imitation versions. It is the ‘none of my business’ illusion. You see, the ego will never want you to have it easy. To the unwise, ‘none of my business’ is merely an unconscious attachment to peace; a wise ‘none of my business’ understanding is where whatever that arises; the ups and the downs; the recognition of impermanent nature. The recognition of impermanent nature, is understanding that the ‘none of my business’ illusion consists of no “I” or “you” or “him”. There is nobody there. Just impermanent nature. As what a Sayadow I met recently has mentioned, “it is all just a misunderstanding”.

The whole consciousness is egoic on its own. The human realm thinks that they are in trouble, and then they call upon teachers and others realms for help. But who are their teachers and those from the other realms, but their own imagination, another form of egoic existence.

Not that there is no Truth. Not that there is no enlightenment. Not that there is no teacher or guide. But they are not meant to be put on a pedestal, nor an altar. When we unconsciously idolize them, we are then again separated once more. Only we don’t remember, what we are here for. As shared in Matrix 2 – you have already made your choice, you just need to understand why you made it.

I need my husband, my husband needs me; I need my children, my children needs me; I need my job, my company needs me – all egoic; albeit in its own sense. Albeit in its own sense; all the same trap. In truth, no one needs us, and we don’t need anyone. We only think we do and they only think they do. We like to think we are heros, we are important; we like to think that we have heroes too, that we have people important in our lives. So we are forever like little children. No wonder we will always have a ‘father’ and a ‘mother’ and later on be a ‘father’ or a ‘mother’. No matter how much we try to deny it, it is in all of us. Even if a person is not our biological parent, or our biological child, there comes a point in time where we play that role anyway.

So are we important at all, we ask ourselves? Surely there must be something I can do. Yes, yes, we are all important! But surely you must know that it is not in the meaning that you have thought it to be. But what else is there? We hear ourselves ask. Seek and ye shall find, but be forewarned because there will be no turning back.

Do I know? I do not know. The ego would like to arrogantly say ‘I DO!’ and also unworthily say ‘I don’t…” So do I know or do I not know? The Spirit already knows, so what is there for the ego to know? Why must the ego know but to satisfy its needs? And what needs are those, but to strengthen the meaning of “I”.

Could it then be possible that there is just knowing.. with no “I” in it? I don’t know…

Ah, but you see.. there is still an “I” in it… Soon I will realise that I can never get rid of “I”. But the “I” can be transformed or rather, transcended as what my teacher say. As long as we are no longer succumb to the automated mode, we are already making progress and deserve a pat on the back. Oh dear, so it looks like you are here to stay…

So who is this “I” which I think “I” am? Actually, just programmes in the mind which I had mistakenly thought it was – I.

Tags: , ,

Posted in Going Inwards, Ideas | 1 Comment »

Stories, am I?

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Who I think I am, therefore I am; but who I truly am, is not who I think I am. – so, who am I?

How do you tell someone that whatever they go through in life, whatever stories they tell, are just simply, a story? How do you tell someone that what I go through in my life, even if I were to share my experiences of what I go through, are just stories? How do you tell someone, that the stories that we each tell, are all unreal, but a story?

We indulge ourselves in stories. Really. Who don’t like stories? We line up to watch movies, read novels – all for a story. And then we meet a friend or a relative for cuppa or dinner, and then what do we tell each other but our stories?

And stories come from roles we take on, or from observation of the roles that others take on. But all in all, they are nothing, but stories.

As if we do not take on enough roles in this life time. When we are revealed or told that we are so-and-so in our past lives, we get so excited, become attached to it in a way (albeit a past) and talk about it all the time. As if, the story in this lifetime is not enough. We need more stories of the past to reinstate who “I” am – I was a warrior; I was a king; I was a queen; I was his wife; I was his concubine ~ really, does it matter? Even today, I am a tycoon; I am a mother; I am a wife; I am a CEO; I am a maid ~ does it really matter?

If it does, surely it must give us peace. If it really does, surely it must liberate us, and we must be contented. But are we truly at peace? Do we really feel liberated? Do we notice that somehow somewhat, there is always something missing? And for that, we are always unconsciously striving for something?

When I was talking to a loved one today, whom I am normally quite fearful of, I listened. I listened to his stories, his reasoning, his blaming. I see his guilt, his need for acknowledgment and his call for love. Perhaps I am not normal, I don’t know, but after having understanding and dealt with my own inner demons, I finally saw him, for him. I did not see him as someone who was victimizing me anymore, nor pointing fingers at me or anyone. I saw him as someone who was calling out for love – to be understood and acknowledged.

And again, how do you tell someone that? That beneath all those stories that he has shared are his own ancient pain, guilt and shame that only he himself can elevated himself from? I emailed my teacher this morning, telling him brutally how I felt no compassion for people who don’t own up for their own pain. Yet tonight, as I witnessed this loved one, compassion automatically set in as I realised that I too, had been unconscious before, speaking of which I still have a tendency to fall into the unconscious mode from time and time. The only difference between him and I today is that now I’ve understood and choose to remember it as often as I can – to be mindful, that is and to take responsibility for my own shit.

Suddenly stories are not that important anymore. I remember friends used to gather round just to talk about other people or our own stories. I am not saying that we shouldn’t talk to each other or share with each other, but have we considered the intention and essence of sharing? Are we calling out for love? or are we reinforcing our illusionary meaningful roles in this existence? Are we meaning to feel better about ourselves after gossiping about or blaming others? Is it possible, that our lives are in fact meaningless, that we have to “do” something to make it meaningful; to satisfy a need we are not conscious of? And why the need to make it meaningful, except to strengthen the meaning of “I”? I could go on with this “I” thing.. but it’s just too much bullshit.

It pains me to witness even when compassion arises. But that is only happening because I forget that there is someone out there, a ‘body’ out there so to speak, hence the separation. And when Wisdom fails to set in, I buy into that ‘story’ and fall into a depression. How egoistic. But if I could forgive myself for my projection of unconscious guilt, then no one is suffering. And even if I am still seeing a ‘body’ out there, I could always choose to perceive from a Wisdom point of view so per se – to respect their journey, and to see them perfectly as they are, trusting that everything is in divine order.

Afterall, I am no saviour. Just a passerby with lessons to learn and to grow in my journey of a-loneness.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | No Comments »

There’s No One Looking, Let’s Play!

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

I had always wondered.. what if everything that happens in the world is relevant to me. Not relevant to me in the sense that I’d need to do somthing about it, but just for me to observe and enjoy the experience. It can be the earthquake in Haiti, the beggar in pasar malam, a friend writing a rude and hurting email to me, a neighbour fighting for his voice to be heard, my wise teachers who are constantly guiding and supporting my journey and etc…  

I understand that the world is my reflection, because whatever meaning that I put into someone or something out there are simply my own ideas of interpretation and hence, would only show me what I think they are doing to or for me; again through my own ideas.  Whatever happens in reality, may not even be the case at all! What others think or do is irrelevant to me; it is what I think and feel about my reflections (i.e. the outside of me coming back to the inside of me) which are more important – because it despicts my intentions and ideas at that point in time! Waitaminute… is there still someone out there?? In a very simplified explaination, everything and everyone out there is a symbol of an idea being projected from the mind.  

The world is like a playground. I was watching the ‘The Biggest Loser’ on Astro and the blue team were discussing who should be voted out amongst them. So most of them (I think) suggested to vote out this Asian-American woman because she loss the least weight amongst the others. She was holding back her tears as one of the team members asked her what she thought of it. She bravely said, “It’s just a game.”

It is true. And everyone knows that – The Biggest Loser reality show is JUST-A-GAME!! We, as observers enjoy the show like entertainment; while the participants in there take the game very very seriously – until to the point that they’d feel the pain, the joy, the embarassment – even though they know, it’s just a BLOODY GAME!!! And how different is that game from life? And here I mean, our attitude. Can we get not-so-personal and uptight about life and just joyfully do our best? Why do we cry? Do we cry joyfully because it was such a good game played? Or guilt that we had not tried our hardest?

Here, I would like to share this link to one of my teacher’s very profound sharing, All experiences are of me, not for me or to me. Enjoy!

Tags: , ,

Posted in Ideas | No Comments »

The Clinging on & the Release

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Past few weeks I had been diligently editing my teacher’s entries for his work. From the first time I ‘officially’ took on the job, I felt a kind of flow through me while reading and editing his entry. There was a sort of clarity and surety in it which I am unable to express or put into words. It’s as if, the work is not done by me – or as if, the understanding that came to me, was not from me, but through me. It was as if too, because of my willingness to play the role of supporting my teacher or rather more of the work that he was and still doing, I got roped into the Wisdom flow.

The experiences I had were joyful. With reflections as gratitude and appreciation coming back, it was not hard to start the process of ‘clinging on’, unconsciously. Who doesn’t like to be appreciated, or be gratified… and most importantly, be ‘rewarded’ with the flow of Wisdom? At least I know I do.

And for that, I unconsciously held on to the experience which gave birth to expectations. This hanging on to the experience of Wisdom flowing through me to allow my understanding of my teacher’s articles (so that I could rightfully edit or proofread his work so per se) was a new kind of thrill for me, or more truthful – to the ego. To the extent that since the past few entries, I had noticed a ‘disconnected-ness’ from the flow of Wisdom; as if Wisdom had left me thus making me feel as if I was in a dumb state. I could not really understand what he was trying to convey in the entries which inevitably hit the button of unworthiness. It was a vicious cycle, and a cycle that I had unconsciously rode on. There was much self-judgment at this stage. I also became somewhat miserable.

Soon today, as I was speaking to Angel, I suddenly realised that I was attached to the experience of having Wisdom flow through me to edit or proofread my teacher’s work. It was of no surprise to me, although now it is my ignorance that is revealed. I was not mindful. Fullstop. Nothing to it, and for that I ‘suffer’ the consequences of the ‘attachment’ albeit it was nothing physical or tangible to it.

It is ironinc to learn that to have something, we need to let it go. To desire of it, and yet harp on it is to bring an end to what we desire. Thus the saying, ‘Let Go’. And then we ask ourselves, what is it that we have to let go? What if we let go, and it never comes back? And that is the gift of it – the learning of trust and surrender. Having said that, it is always easier said than that. But what is truly important is not the experience of having Wisdom flow through me (in the context of this story, that is), but the peace of mind that allowed me to see that the hanging on to this experience was causing my suffering – a sort of mini self-bashing session I was quietly going through in my space. It’s silly. And now that I realise it, it is comical; and yet that silliness has brought me to another revelation. So how could that be silly, but a wise connotation?

Wisdom has never left me except my own blocks that disallow me to access it, or rather for it to access through me. It is never about the Ancient Masters not coming to me, but my own inability to lift up the barrier between us. And so here, I trust that whatever I experience from moment to moment is my entitlement, and I surrender whatever wilful desire to His plans. As my daily lesson today in ACIM depict – Only God’s plan for salvation will work. Mine will never work, for the ego’s plan for salvation will always be one that hovers around grievances.  And again, as quoted in ACIM for my daily lesson few days ago – My grievances hide the light of the world in me.

And in truth, I am the light, for I am too the beacon. And if I were to continue to be the beacon, then I must remain the light that is within me.

Tags: , , , ,

Posted in Attitudes | No Comments »

What if We Never Meet Again?

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

I begin to realise how very often we take each other’s presence for granted. Today, as I was getting ready to board the aircraft to HK all on my own for the very first time, a question popped in my head ‘What if we never meet again?’ Since there was still time, I sat down and wrote a text message of gratitude and love to my loved ones. Forgive me if you did not receive this message as I wasn’t sure if you would take it the right way. No, please, don’t forgive me for that as there is nothing to forgive there. Instead, forgive me for not trusting you enough to be ready to receive such a message from me. My bad, my bad…

Although I already had some sort of expectations on the responses I would receive after sending out that particular message, still I felt a sense of surprise upon receiving them. Those replies went, “Are you ok?”; “Are you not coming back?”; “Why you say like that?” I could imagine what went on in their heads. It’s like a sudden wake up call, “What if we really, never meet again?”; “What if that was the last time we’d ever see each other again?”; “What if that was the last time for us to hug?”; “Is that to be the last time I’d tell the person I love him/her?” And it boils down to guilt -> guilt of “have I said or done enough?”; “have I given enough?”; “have I loved and appreciated enough?”; even “have I been loved and appreciated enough?”

And it is heartwarming to also receive reciprocal replies! Like, “I love you too!”  What I could only sense from this space is a sense of mutual respect, gratitude and love. It’s as if, the friendship or relationship is being lived moment by moment to the fullest, hence its tank is always full and thus, could we conclude, that we have given and received what is blessedly entitled to you and me?

Nothing is ever enough for the ego, so to speak. But the mind will always need a sort of completion. And that inspired me to make that expression to my loved ones. I will never know what would happen. To constantly pray for the safety of my family, loved ones or even myself while away from them (at this moment, that is) is deviating my attention to something beyond my control, and away from what is there for me in the present. As if I would know if I did die today, it would not be for my highest good. Like I said, I will never know.

And if I am fully present to each and every of my relationships, no guilt could penetrate as evident from the several relationships that I had experienced. No guilt! Just mutual respect, love & gratitude. So there cease the egoic relationship and emerges a spiritual relationship where learning is made possible with mutual respect and support without ever overextending or underextending ourselves.

I wanted my loved ones to know how much I love them, and how much I appreciate their presence in my life.. that I am so grateful for the lessons that I’ve learnt through them. I wish to say that I am at peace. Nevermind that no one knew or understood me, for today I have understood myself and that is all that matters.

To put it into words more real to my experience, I felt as if “I” am dying inside. From moment to moment, as we come closer to the Truth, a little bit of the old “I” dies, with the reborn of another. We die slowly, withering the false self for the True Authentic Self to emerge.

As what dear Paul Ferrini shares in his book,

“Once you enter truth, the ego dies, for it can get no foothold. But the ego is not assassinated. It dies into truth. It surrenders. It is not a painful act, but an ecstatic one.”

~ excerpts from Illuminations on the Road to Nowhere by Paul Ferrini ~

And so I surrender myself and my loved ones to the Spirit who knows it all. That each moment as “I” die, I am reborn again in Spirit.

And for that, as “I” die, we may really, never meet again; but as and when we meet again, we will meet in Spirit, in essence, and in Love.

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Excerpts from Books, Going Inwards | No Comments »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »