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Tug of War

May 9th, 2010 by

We are constantly toggling between pleasing others, and pleasing ourselves. Very rarely are we authentically doing anything. Of course, when we truly question the inner core intention of action; whether pleasing others or pleasing ourselves; of what’s it in for me – it always comes back to me, me and me.

What differentiates the intention are only two – fear, or love; and the result also can be of only two – further bondage, or freedom.  We think that what we think at the conscious level is true and true, but when we start the inquiry process of each of our action, to each of our intention, it is never surprising to finally arrive at the space where we’d find the ultimate belief of inadequacy or unworthiness.

Jesus said, “Love Thy Neighbour as You Love Yourself”. Just the other day, I read an article that shared this story in the canon, King Pasenadi, in a tender moment with his favorite consort, Queen Mallika, asks her, “Is there anyone you love more than yourself?” He’s anticipating, of course, that she’ll answer, “Yes, your majesty. You.” And it’s easy to see where a B-movie script would go from there. But this is the Pali canon, and Queen Mallika is no ordinary queen. She answers, “No, your majesty, there isn’t. And how about you? Is there anyone you love more than yourself?” The king, forced into an honest answer, has to admit, “No, there’s not.”

And the other day, I asked my partner too, of the same question. He answered the exact same question as Queen Mallika, but added on, “when I love myself somehow, I feel more love for you and our daughter.” How true. Because that is what I feel too, each time. It is as if, this self love which absorbs within self, cannot be contained within self and then is inevitably spread amongst the rest surrounding. There is pure joyfulness, peace and acceptance. Having said that, this state within each of us, is never quite constant.

And coming back to pleasing others and pleasing ourselves, we always perceive that when we love ourselves, we love others less. True love, fortunately, does not work that way. Many times we witness couples at the cross road of a breakup – whether to try again, or to let go. The answer has always been there, but what makes a couple want to ‘try’ again, especially when none of them are willing to make any changes. Hmm, let me correct that, even if some changes were to be made, those changes would never be permanent – because these changes are done to please others, to keep the other – and never for the betterment of ourselves. The truth is that we all feel that we are alright, and the only time we feel that we are not alright is when we need someone out there to so-called complete us, or to make us whole again. And another truth from here is this, we don’t need anyone. We are either constantly overestimating another’s importance in our lives, or blaming them for our misery and sufferings. If both swings of the pendulum bring us back to the place where we are dependent on another for happiness or sufferings, then we are nowhere near home. We are far, far away from home – where our treasure lies.

A man told me this, “She loves me, that is why I have to be with her” despite already knowing that he is not happy with her; and the woman says, “I love him, that is why I need to keep him.” despite already knowing she will never get what she wants from him. Both do not see the extent of hyprocracy in their saying, actions or intentions. Both not willing to take responsibility for their shame, their guilt, their lack and most importantly, their own happiness and wellbeing. One who feels that he is not worthy enough for his own entitled happiness; and the other, who feels that she is not worthy that is why she needs him around to make her feel otherwise. All delusions. Continuous meaningless stories to keep them both bonded in the cycle of self hatred.

Yes. Self hatred is where I am getting at. And like it or not, it exists in all of us. We may put up a front that we are happy and how much we love ourselves, but question the doings, the thinking, the sayings all which exist only within your own existence. We will find that we have nowhere to hide. We are hardly at peace with ourselves.

Jesus says, “No one is harder on you as you are.” How true that is. No one can punish us any harder, than we would have ourselves punished by ourselves. Isn’t that madness? On the surface, we are afraid of being judged – when we have already begun the journey of judging ourselves way before anyone else could say or think anything of us.

To begin to love ourselves, is to begin the journey of inquiry. Inquiry, not enquiry – a process of self questioning, self reflection. And that can only be possible by bringing in self awareness. If our happiness is important to us, so will the happiness of others. And if it leads to long-term happiness by letting go of that someone, then it would lead the same long-term happiness for the person being let go. When we truly love ourselves unconditionally, no one else can get hurt. Only the hanging on of someone out there, or rather, more true to the idea of someone else capable of loving us more than we could love ourselves, and vice versa are we burying ourselves deeper in our suffering. Now, isn’t that a repulsive form of self hatred?

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Honoring Self, Trusting Self

May 5th, 2010 by

It is amazing how the set ups of the outside world are constantly remind me how ‘real’ and ‘troubled’ I am, or how I could use the body to influence the mind. Maybe I am missing a point here, but I am still not seeing how an effect can sway the source of experience.

My teacher once shared that it is possible to use the body to still the mind, very much like yoga. Most people have reported that yoga helps them to relax or in some ways still the mind. In my nearest context of experience was fasting.

I was advised to fast for a period of 7 days and thereafter follow some special vegetarian diet. Honestly, I didn’t really and still don’t believe in it, but I went along with it anyway; planning with a friend when to start, when to break in between the diets so that we’d complete the whole process of ‘purification’ by a certain date. While she was inspired to do it, I was just ‘following’ what the mass did. I doubted myself since most of the people whom I looked up to and trusted were following the process; I must not be seeing something that they did.

I lasted for 2.5 days. The experience was not of any suffering save for the hunger, thirst and the lack of concentration and presence in some matters and towards certain people around me. While I was aware of a certain surge of energy that accompanied while I attended to ‘important’ matters, the rest of the time I was in a ‘non-doing’ mode, if you get what I mean. It was a restful state in some ways for me, but not much joy in the experience.

By the third day, which is today, I started questioning myself why I was doing this. While I enjoyed the early wake before the fasting time, I felt no connection to the whole process. Perhaps there were expectations, I don’t know. By the time the questions started popping, I realised that the habitual self-inquiry had set in.

It was all about what was outside to fulfill a lack within. What the healers said; what the other people whom I trusted were doing and etc which all stemmed from not honoring and trusting myself. As much as I am not dismissing the possible benefits from this whole process which I was advised to follow, I was not really into it. I was just a follower – not of faith, but for approval, forgetting that I may have different kind of feathers from the others albeit on the same journey. It felt like I was following others’ flow of life, instead of my own.

Finally, I decided that no one could give me the approval that I needed. I asked myself deeply, if I really believed in it and if, it was necessary at all. I didn’t; so how could it be necessary for me? My initial intention was not noble in the first place, and for that I released myself of that struggle.

My guilt subsequently was in having the drive to do things differently from others. Perhaps, different is a strong word and authentically would be a more appropriate word.  I find my inspirations spring from things or experiences quite differently from others. However, because I was the only one, who had such an authentic way amongst the rest, I doubted myself hence shy away from myself like a mole in a hole. There I was, sharing with others about authenticity; and here I am, battling with myself between being authentic and flying with the flock.

Having said that, I am acknowledging that each step of the way is always a work-in-progress towards freedom. I am free, for no one and nothing has ever bonded me except for my own self-created prison. No one is counting and no one is keeping score, except myself. Only our ignorance allows us to continuously run amok in circles, much like a hamster running its round non-stop on a wheel in a cage. The good news is, by recognizing ignorance is already wisdom at work; and with wisdom working, we can never lose.

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Illuminations to Road of Nowhere by Paul Ferrini

May 5th, 2010 by

“What you desire and think about all the time are seeds that you sow. And what you sow, you reap. Where you put your energy is where your life goes. Or, as the Master said, “where your heart is, there will your treasure also be.” ”

“The creations of the ego are transitory by nature. They are not meant to last forever. They are tools for learning that come and go. Sooner or later, one comes to the end of ego creation. One gets tired of the drama one is creating. And then life slows down and simplifies. And there is no need to do anything in particular. Indeed, there is the awareness that anything I “need” to do will come back to haunt me. What I need is just more perceived lack that I look to fill from the outside… Another useless journey.”

“Much of our suffering arises from our attempt to make the reflection into a cause. While everything in the outside world reflects our ever-changing state of consciousness, nothing out there is the cause of how we think or feel. The responsibility for how we think or feel belongs only to us.

Our greatest spiritual challenge is to be responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions and to encourage others to take similar responsibility for their own lives. We are not here to judge others, to make decisions for them, or try to change their ideas or their feelings. Nor are we here to invite others to judge us, make decisions for us or try to change our ideas and feelings. If we will accept responsibility for our own consciousness and experience, and offer other people our acceptance and respect, we can stop the cycle of projection. Then we can live in the state of inner peace and outer freedom that Jesus and other Christ-realized beings attained. That state, they promised us, is here for us to claim whenever we are ready.”

“Our relationship to the world, and therefore to each other is no longer one of manipulation, struggle or greed, but one of trust in the natural unfoldment of all organic processes, or in what the Chinese call Tao.

What needs to occur happens through us, because we are willing and able, not because our egos need it to happen to validate self. Tao unfolds in us and in all beings. When we respect this unfolding process, we are naturally drawn toward events and circumstances to which we can contribute our energy and attention.

This is spiritual manifestation, or the presence of grace. It is not based on personal desire, but acts for the fulfillment of all beings. It does not seek one person’s goal at the expense of another’s.

Spiritual manifestation happens without effort or attachment. Self worth is not on the line and so there is no need for a specific outcome. The expectations that arise are surrendered as one moves to embrace whatever is happening in the moment.

Tao creates spontaneously and impersonally. It has no favourites. Whatever it brings must be accepted. And in the acceptance of it, its inner meaning is revealed.”

– excerpts from Illuminations to Road of Nowhere by Paul Ferrini –

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Like the Flowing River

May 4th, 2010 by

It is surprisingly to finally notice that there is hardness too, in one’s spiritual journey. We usually perceive those on the spiritual journey with much softness gentleness because the ultimate goal is to embrace the Buddha nature or Christ mind within. That, of course, being the ultimate goal, we can be sure of the many stumbling, falls, victories, stumbling again – a repeating cycle on its own – along the way, except that they may be differentiated from a level to level basis. The journey in truth is never quite a linear one, so we’d never know when in time are we in fifth grade, or back at kindergarten; but the mind; being one of its function; always has a tendency to perceive or picture the linearity of the path, so to ensure that I am moving along a step forward always, in progress, so to speak.

The thing is, I’d never really know. I only know that wherever I am right now, is wherever I am. I cannot be anymore forward or anymore backward, so to accept where my check-in point is right at this moment, is to accept what is and to move swiftly, allowing with the flow of life – much like a moving river stream.

Following the flow of life, we’d soon realize that it is not up to us to decide the direction of the current. Our ‘job’ is just to be willing to be with it and to ride with it; fast or slow; left or right; to flow with it wherever it takes us. There’s nothing to it, even with obstacles on the way; much like the rocks we’d find at some bends of the river. If we were to sit quietly by the riverside, we may observe that even a string of rocks that are laid in the midst of the flow as if blocking the river from streaming towards its direction; the river flows anyway – either around it, above it, or even maneuvering its way in between those rocks just to conjoin with the other parts of the ‘separated’ river to continue the flow of life. And by observing a river too, we may begin to understand how hardness or gentleness of its current, affects the overall flow of the river. In gentleness, we find smooth tide of the river; and in hardness, we may find splashes all over… like in a case where it makes contact with a rock/an obstacles in a gush, the river disperses into little bubbles, splashes, drops – breaking its ‘form’ so to speak for a while, but to come back again into one as they swift pass the rock. There is much adventure and roughness in the latter case although the destination is still the same, that is, we’d still meet at the point where we were meant to go anyway. We are blessed in a certain way, for we are given the choice to decide the intensity of the current. So the question is this, do we flow with gentleness, with ease; or with hardness, with rigidity and roughness.

I never noticed the kind of subtle pressure I was putting onto myself until last night. I became aware of something uplifting from my shoulders when I re-invoked guidance and protection from a higher source. That was when I realized that I had been carrying some sort of hardness in my journey in a very unconscious way, in heeding my path towards freedom. If I was truly heading that way, truly there’d be ease and softness; then where and how did the subtle stiffness become a characteristic of my journey? So there existed a trivial form of suffering, because of anticipation and wanting things to be different.

It is never easy to fully trust and surrender that where we are right now is exactly where we are meant to be; and yet it is vital to acknowledge and release that remorse holding on to expectations or wanting things to be any different for ease and a smooth journey ahead. Through that release, arises calmness and tenderness; already an innate nature within us.

Nature is happening around and to us all the time and it has nothing to do with us in a manner of speaking. Acknowledging it, without interfering or looking ahead to the possibilities of where, how or when we might arrive allows us to fully accept what is in the experience. That is Wisdom, already deviating from our usual route of ignorance. In this manner, the flow of Life; hence the possibility to flow with Life, with the river… And our choice is merely in choosing gentleness over hardness, or vice versa; to trust and surrender, or to attempt control and inflexibility.

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A Shift towards Great Compassion

May 3rd, 2010 by

I read a book recently by Paul Ferrini; illuminations to road of nowhere; and found that it resonated deeply with my core. What I had thought was somewhat a cease to a journey I was seeking was actually a turning point to another journey that I wasn’t really seeking but have been inevitably put on. Just the other day, I was complaining to myself on how my teacher wouldn’t let me rest. It was like each time I ‘arrived’ at a peak, he’d already be cushioning me for another peak that I’d need to embrace. To a certain extent, it is quite tiring. But who is the one who is tired; and then came the question – who was the one seeking all these time?

An interesting article I read today talked about ‘hanging on to the ego’. In the traditional understanding of the Buddhist context, it has been understood as a goal to attain a state of ‘egolessness’ or what we would normally term as ‘non-self’. What came as a surprise as I read this article was that the Buddha’s teaching is more in line with ego-development rather that getting ‘rid’ of ego. It is somewhat a relief to read that, but also accompanied by a grudging feeling – when will I ever get outta here!! And my teacher told me today, ‘We can never win the ego, but make peace with it.’

An excerpt I wish to share from the article ‘Hang On to Your Ego’ by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

“… It is possible to taste an immediate gratification that causes no harm to yourself or anyone else. Genuine happiness doesn’t require that you take anything away from anyone – which means that it in no way conflicts with the genuine happiness of others.”

“Because the Buddha saw how these enlightened qualities of wisdom, compassion, and purity could be developed through the pursuit of happiness, he never told his followers to practice his teachings without expecting any gain in return. He understood that such a demand would create an unhealthy dynamic in the mind. In terms of Western psychology, expecting no gain in return would give license for the super-ego to run amok. Instead, the Buddha taught that even the principle of renunciation is a trade. You exchange candy for gold, trading lesser pleasures for greater happiness. So he encouraged people to be generous with their time and possessions because of the inner rewards they would receive in return. He taught moral virtue as a gift; when you observed the precepts without ifs, ands, or buts, you give unconditional safety to all other beings, and in return you receive a share of that safety as well.”

*for full article, please click here.

It is astonishing to note that this is especially in line with what my other teacher preaches, though not in exact words – unconditionality. Unconditional because whatever we give, or receive; it comes back to the Self ultimately.

So there are indeed two lessons to learn here at each moment in time – the inner lesson within us, and the outer lesson outside of us in which we have to respond to and address.  Now I begin to understand what my mom meant when she observed that most of her friends on their spiritual journey turned out to have lacked the quality of compassion. Although what could be more accurate is only her perception towards them and may not necessarily be true, I was inclined to think that there is indeed no such thing as compassion unless I am seeing the other as a victim (stated in a previous entry of Arrogance & Compassion). However there is something called the Great Compassion, apparently; and it has meanings taking upon ourselves the responsibility of freeing sentient beings from suffering. Great Compassion is not only feeling the unbearable sufferings of sentient beings but also a wish for sentient beings to be free from suffering and its cause thus taking on the personal responsibility upon oneself to free sentient beings from suffering. That is Great Compassion, or also known as Mahayana.

When we recognize our own sufferings, do we too recognize the sufferings of others? And thus the compassion to teach and uplift others just as what Buddha and all other great Masters and loving teachers had done and still continuously doing – disseminating teachings to the rest of us, is there a possibility to be free like the Buddha.

I give thanks to the Great Compassion of the Buddha, Jesus and all other Masters and also the living teachers amongst us who are each also on their own journey towards freedom. For without their quality of Great Compassion, these information would not be passed on to us. Having said that, it still requires us to take responsibility for ourselves, coupled with our own willingness and effort; nothing is exempted and no one can do the work for us, but us. So let us work with the ego then with Wisdom, on the remaining ignorant part of the ego, to a sheer state of Purity and Love so as not to get ‘rid’ of the ego, but for the transformation of the ego to be possible.

As how Thanissaro Bhikkhu worded it, “a healthy, functioning ego is a crucial tool on the path to Awakening.”

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Essence Prevailed

May 2nd, 2010 by

Trials are but lessons that you failed to learn presented once again, so where you made a faulty choice before you now can make a better one, and thus escape all pain that what you chose before has brought to you.

– A Course in Miracles

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When a lesson is meant to be learned, it comes in a form of an experience which we would normally regard as a story. But usually, instead of paying attention to the essence of the lesson, we pay attention to the bodies, i.e. the people who are seemingly presenting the lesson to us.

Take for example, if my lesson is to receive unconditionally; and unconditionally here means without reason, without purpose, without fear and most importantly, without guilt; I would have entirely missed the lesson when I recognized that it was ‘someone’ who was giving me ‘something’.

I observed in myself that whenever someone gives me something, or love or concern, I usually have a mentality of wanting to give something back in return with intentions to ‘repay kindness’ or to ‘complete’ the cycle of giving and receiving, so to speak; otherwise I might reason with myself to accept or receive this gift beckoning that I’ve done this or that, and now this person is simply ‘returning’ a favor. These mentalities are accompanied with subtle stints of guilt. And for this, I entirely miss the point in acknowledging what is given to me is in truth, my entitlement and had instead given attention to this person or rather, the body.  To give a scenario, if my husband gives me and I am grateful, I might think, “oh this man is a good husband and he treats me good; and I must do my best to return the kindness.” The truth is that, anybody who could have been my husband or any other person not in the husband role would have treated me the same way, bestowing the same kind or any kind of giving to me. Here, I could misperceive that my husband doesn’t love me (if the giver was another party) and may decide to give my affections to this other party; again failing to recognize that it is my entitlement. I would be totally oblivious to the essence of the experience thus calling a necessity for myself to come back here again, to learn my lesson. Having said that, I am not meaning to say that to receive unconditionally is not to give.

My teacher shared another powerful example the other day. If the lesson to be learned here is to give unconditionally instead and you are born a poor man this lifetime; would you still give, or hold on to what you have already perceived for yourself as not enough? And if I had given attention to the situation, failing to see the essence of my lesson, i.e. giving unconditionally, I’d miss the mark again.

Similar to having an issue with a close friend. Normally lessons come to us through people who are closest and dearest to our hearts. If it was just any other Tom, Dick or Harry, we might not have bothered. So take for instance if we were wise enough to pick up the essence of the lesson; we gained insights, understanding and clarity; why is it so we’d still feel somewhat awkward or uncomfortable in the presence of that particular close friend whom we have had an issue with before? You see, the attention has been given to the body again. What have the essence of the lesson got to do with this person who has seemingly presented the lesson? It is as though as we learn and accept the essence of the lesson, along with it is another level of ignorance seeing the ‘friend’ turned ‘fiend’ as a body, and thus evocating ourselves back into the cycle of birth and death again – never being able to fully release ourselves, and our so-called friend or fiend. We come back, again and again, seemingly having to ‘repay debts’ that were never even existed in the first place.

Worst when we already don’t have the wisdom to learn the essence of the lesson, and another lesson is being added onto our plate for the future already! This explains why at times we are unexplainably attracted to some people in our lives and vice versa, just as a natural magnet pulling us to them, or them to us.

It is not easy not to see our friend or fiend as a body, because that is what we see. But it is important to note that important lessons in our lives come through them because only they are capable of presenting them to us to a point that we could learn the essence of our lessons. In fact, it is not even possible to say that this person is the one who presented the lesson to us, for it is appropriate conditionings ripening that would have made it possible for a trigger to surface. And because this person is close and dear to the heart, it magnifies the issue so much more that it becomes too overwhelming for us to sweep it under the carpet.

The essences of the lessons are essential to the essence of our being, for that is why we are here. Within us, is our essence, our sacredness, our divinity. To a certain extent, there is a sense of comfort and security in the presence of those who distinguishes the essence, sacredness and divinity within us from the bodies that we think we are. Some glimpses of experiencing these essences are possible, only when we truly see pass the bodies and the layers of defense covering that essence. In that space, there is no judgment, no resentment, and no grudges. Simply only deep appreciation, deep love, deep peace for the ‘role’ the other has taken on to allow us to experience who we truly are within.

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Arrogance & Compassion

Apr 30th, 2010 by

Apparently, arrogance is defined as overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner towards inferiors (derived from the freedictonary.com). And when I started asking around what other people thought about the word ‘arrogance’, there was an equal feedback of the positive and negative meaning of it. When I say positive and negative here, I am not meaning to say that either is good or bad; more of a general perception of what people would naturally accept as good, and the other as bad.

So the negative feedback was as what I mentioned. And the positive feedback were confidence, surety, ‘got character’. And I begin to wonder if there is a difference in both the positive and negative feedbacks that I’ve received, except for one’s holding on to the stronger meaning of what the word would resonate with him or her.

I remember when I once received a comment ‘Practice Humility’ in one of my earlier blog entries, I was really surprised. I could not understand what this anonymous person meant. I researched the definitions of the word ‘humility’ – some defined as being humble (which is the opposite of arrogance), some defined as trusting. See? Two parts to it; which is right?

Soon, I discovered who this anonymous person was. I asked him ‘humbly’ what he meant by that, he explained that when one (in this case, me) learns or receive so much information, it is vital not to over share with people, and in this case again, in my blog. I found it funny and at the same time, felt curious. I am very clear of my intentions when I post my entries. I just feel joy! And these entries are just for me! I post it because I feel joyful! There is nothing to it. And like what my bestie shared with me once, “it’s like buying a book from the bookstore. You read it and realize that you don’t like the author’s writing style or the story and you go back to the author to either ask him to change his writing style or storyline, or ask for a refund. It’s ridiculous!” At one point, I totally agree with her. So quite rudely, I could argue, it’s MY blog; if you don’t like what I write, then go f*#k spiders!

But is that the appropriate way to deal with what has already arisen in me? I would only be defending an idea that I have been attacked by the world; by avenging the world in a similar way. How could there be peace in the never-ending cycle of attack and defense?

And yesterday, someone expressed to me that he felt there was a sense of arrogance when I dealt with him and reminded that it was important for me to develop compassion for others. It was very shocking. I am speaking of someone really close to my heart here. As I reread our chats, our text messages or emails altogether (I have a tendency to re-check what had been transpired before deleting them), I could not see in any way, how I had worded my sentences arrogantly or pridefully. With confidence – yes; with clear intentions – yes; with surety – yes; with sincerity – yes; then how and where did arrogance in the form of superiority come in? It was indeed disheartening and thus left me feeling sad because he said that he was sad. I just felt misunderstood.

Of course, thoughts are just thoughts. They come and they go. But since curiousity has emerged, I might as well walk with it, to see where it would lead me. Sure enough, it led me into another space of unworthiness, albeit a different part of it -the unworthiness to stand in my own space, or in my own confidence. Never mind that I was clear of my intentions and sincerity in my functions to myself and others; I had too, a stint of unworthiness accompanying my writings, sharing or functions. There is like two parts of me; one that is sincere, confident, sure and clear; and yet another part of me which is afraid to admit that.

So whatever others think or perceived of what I say or share is beyond my control; and whatever others say to or share with me too is beyond my control; but if I am triggered, it is only of my own to resolve.

To share a note on compassion, it is defined as a deep awareness of and sympathy for another’s suffering (obtained from freedictionary.com too). So I wonder, how do I develop compassion for others when I view others as perfectly fine as they are. Even if someone were to come up to me and tell me about their problems, I’d just share what I am inspired to share! If they doubt what I say, or refuse to accept what I say, I’d laugh and say, ‘fine! Continue suffering!’ and I do not mean that in a sarcastic way, but as a matter-of-factly – and really, there is nothing wrong with it – suffering, I mean. If I see that your ‘suffering’ is bad, whose problem is it?

Having said that, there are times where I do feel deep compassion for some, but that ‘compassion’ often comes from the space of ‘pity’, seeing others as victim. But understanding that no one is out there, save for my own projection, who is really the victim here?

No compassion is needed for others when we ourselves do not have compassion for ourselves. What compassion we give to ourselves, is already compassion given to others. If I don’t like what I see in you; that is my problem – and if I tell you what I think of you, and then tell you what I think you should do – I am telling you, please come solve my problem; which is impossible. I only need to take care of myself, and the world will be taken care of.

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The Train

Apr 29th, 2010 by

Thoughts are in fact, each separate on its own. But when we unconsciously hang on to a thought oblivious to another which comes along anyway, we tend to think that the subsequent thoughts and the first thought I hung on to, are all related. Very similar to an analogy of a train – each carriage is separate from one another, until someone comes along to hook a carriage with another; they become connected; to be led by an engine.

Give you a scenario:

Thought 1: I am to compensate this lady for some medical fees.

Thought 2: I would like to attend a retreat.

Thought 3: I received RMX as commission payable to me from a part time activity.

These three thoughts surfaced at different periods of time. But the arising mental states of guilt, lack and desire has led to them dancing with each other, interlinking themselves with one another, making them into a story. So it was like, I want to go to retreat, and I have RMX amount to fulfill that desire but shucks, I need to compensate this lady for her medical fees and then I would be left with not enough for the retreat. Never mind about the thoughts before, in the middle or after that. If I were to bring them in, it would not only complicate matters, but myself in writing! Hence the gist of that storyline is enough to center me in anger, frustration and confusion.

In truth, there were all separate thoughts. They had nothing to do with each other – just popping in and popping out – like bubbles in a champagne glass. And yet, the capacity of our mental states could potentially lead the mind to fabricate them into a story.

It was very peculiar when I began to observe how one thought comes up and goes away on its own without any interference from my part at all. All I had to do was just be aware, and to remain the observer. And although it may seem as if they were connected, but they are in truth, not.

My partner and I were getting ready to have some fun with each other. But a few minutes before we got into the act, I felt a little sad and told him so. After I came back from a ciggie break, I winked at him. And he asked me, “I thought you were sad?” I couldn’t stop laughing. What has my feeling sad, got anything to do with my wanting to have fun with my partner?

It is like, if I were to hold on to a thought, the rest of the thoughts that follow suit comes crashing to the first thought jumbling all of them together, making all of them relevant when they were not in the first place. They were simply on their own to begin with, as individual as they are, floating along as a carriage by itself.  Until someone hooks them up together unconsciously, they like carriages fasten up with one another thus the saying – train of thoughts.

One Bhante I met recently said, “Don’t take your thoughts too seriously”, and Byron Katie says, “thoughts are impersonal” and asks, “who would we be without our stories?” How true. Until we take them (the thoughts) on as our own, there’s where and how the story starts. Do you know why we need stories? Because without them, we couldn’t be anybody, we are no one, we don’t exit. How scary could that be! But to me, no story is – peace.

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An Intimate Relationship

Apr 28th, 2010 by

I had the most intimate relationship with my thoughts. Yes, my thoughts. Not my mother, not my father, not my partner, not my friends, not even my daughter or my pets; but with my thoughts. They had such power over me that I would believe everything they say – I am pretty, I am ugly, I am rich, I am poor, I am good, I am bad, it’s his fault, it’s my fault, I deserve this, I don’t deserve that… even at times when they questioned me things like – Does he love me? Why doesn’t he love me? Can I do this? Why can’t I do this? Can I afford this? Why can’t I afford this? I find myself having a very, very dear conversation with them internally. It’s as if they were the ones I’d make love with; over and over again; without ever having to fear that I would not experience an orgasm. Without them, I would not be blessed with the myriad of emotions; without them, I would not survive; without them, I would not exist. Also, they were truly great lovers; although they could each come from different directions with entirely unrelated topics all at the same time, but ooohh… they were so, so skillful you see, they just knew how to interlink themselves all together, bonding unrelated topics altogether into one, to let me see how they were all connected, so that I could enjoy an orgy. What immense relationship we shared…

And soon I pondered, if they were really my best friend? Or were they my enemy? If they were my best friend, why did they make me suffer? If they were my enemy, then why did they make me laugh? Is it true that they could never meet at the middle? Is it true that they could never be quiet?

Oh no.. please don’t be quiet, I’d tell them. You’d need to keep on going – because once you are quiet, I wouldn’t know what to do! I wouldn’t know who I am!

And thus the dilemma – to exist with thoughts, I experience the extremes of both ends; to exist without thoughts, I am nothing.

Trusting them, I am a battery-free robot, actually believing that I am living; Observing and inquiring them, I realize that they were a hoax and that I was free! I believed their existence was real and oh, how I had been fooled!

And so as I watched how they were actually dead and did not have a life; that I was the one who gave them each a soul; I observed how each thought births and dies on its own without my interference. I soon discovered that I no longer fancied having multiple ‘sexual’ partners; so I could no longer make out with any of them. How could I, when they are so impermanent? And so our intimacy ceased. But though the intimacy was absent, there arose a revolution. They could not disappear by themselves!

I soon learned they were neither there to make happy or to make me suffer from the start. They merely wanted me to hold their hands to lead me the way to show me where they come from; an abode which I had unconsciously built. And so it was me. I was the one who had conceived them. How ignorant! How innocent! And miraculously as I recognized their origins one by one, a little bit of their foundation each, is being chipped off progressively. And soon they’d all disappear; as if they never existed. With that space, an emptiness. But that emptiness has not loneliness. In that openness, ascends freedom; and in that freedom, peace and joy is spirit.

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Money, Money, Come to Me!!!

Apr 28th, 2010 by

I have many conditions in my life; and the easiest condition in my life,
is to be unconditional.
The easiest condition in my life, is yet the hardest I’ve ever had to deal with and practice
– and that is, unconditionality.

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