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The Other Side of It

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

The other day one of my teacher’s entry which I was editing screwed up my mind a little. I thought I had understood what he was saying and had worded it distortedly, but apparently it only proved that I had a fixated view on it. When I finally got hold of him for purpose of seeking clarification, I got a glimpse of what he meant. Unsatisfied still, I called Angel to talk about it. Although she was confused by what I was saying and what my teacher had wrote, it somehow brought more clarity to me.

When I first embarked on this journey, I learned and realised that we were all victims, because we allowed ourselves to be. We don’t know how not to be one, because that was the conditioning since young – to dishonour ourselves, for we are not important – as long as others are happy. We give so much power to others that when they are happy, we are happy. When we sit down and think about it, it is really silly. I am happy because you are happy? So obvious that I am relying and dependant on you for my happiness! How absurd!

So then we start rising up to ourselves. We start honouring and loving ourselves, standing in our own integrity to be responsible for our own happiness, our own decisions. We learned, that no one out there is to be blamed, it is all our own creation.

And then my teacher’s entry titled Wherein the Discerning Mind had truly made me see the other side of things. We are so concerned about others making us victims, and yet so often, we are unaware that we too, are victimizing others. Of course, a victim can only victimise another when he himself is a victim. There is no other way. The cycle repeats itself again and again. When my parents do unto me, I do unto my child; how my boss treats me, that is how I’d treat my subordinates. Because we now feel that China is coming up and the language is so important as we experience it, we want our children to attend a Chinese school environment despite the kids’ reluctance. And as if that is not enough, we impose the exact same ideas on our fellow relatives, friends, colleagues and etc. The other parties definitely have a choice of their own, but can you imagine, the guilt trip we are sending them onto? When a child tells a parent, what he wishes to learn, if the parent resonates with that interest (which is normally in alignment with the norm of the society or surroundings), then it is a yes. If not, the parent will try in all directional ways to convince the child that that is not a good thing to do because, because, because… imagine how the child would feel!! So the child begins to, in future, makes his move to seek approval, to dishonour himself and simply never learning to trust himself. Having said that, it is not the case for all. But, most.

Time and time again, I am faced with situations where people share with me, “I can’t leave the company because of my dad.”, “I can’t move out because of my mom”, “I can’t be what I want today because of my parents”, “I cannot go for fun book club because I got family dinner”. Oh my goodness!!! When will we all start to take responsibilities and start honouring ourselves? “I can leave the company but I choose not to because I can’t face the guilt of leaving my dad. You see, I am not important!”, “I can move out but I choose not to because I can’t bear the guilt of hurting my mom. You see, I am not important!”, “I can be what I am today but I choose to stay like this so that I can continue to blame my parents for who I am today so that I don’t have to face the guilt within for dishonouring myself! You see, it is too painful to see that I am not important!”, “I don’t want to go to fun book club because I don’t want to be guilty for not spending time with my family! You see, I am not important!”

Can we just rise up to what’s truly inside us? Can we begin to take responsibility? Can we begin to see that everything has something to do with guilt and then transcend it? Rather than abiding to it all the time, all the time, repeating the cycle of self-abuse – of not honouring thyself ~ and really making that I am not worthy story more real than it is actually not?

May we slowly withdraw our own tentacles on others, and consciously allow others to withdraw theirs from us. Let us all disentangled ourselves from this illusionary entanglement which is so unnecessary. For what, you may ask? For our freedom.

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She’s delusional

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

She’s been told a few stories. And then she creates evidence to support the stories, not conscious that this is what she has chosen to experience. And then she realise, she’s in a dilemma, a tough position. No one can get her out of it, except herself.

As what her teacher continously tell her, we create our toy, and then get scared by it ~ she got scared by her own toy, her very own playground which she had created.

And now she wants to run away. She wants to get rid of the toy, and even the playground, tear down all the play equipments and even sack the caretaker! She thinks that by doing that, perhaps she could still retain her diginity; or so she thinks.

Yet, strangely there’s apart of her that knows –  that could not be the way. Who would she be running away from, except herself?

Still, she thinks maybe she could do this, or maybe she could do that.. or perhaps, she could just forget about any previous information related to the incident that had come to her. Could she really? She would really just be burying deeper what had been surfaced, an ancient pain. An illusionary ancient pain.

She knows what she wants, and yet finds it difficult because of the guilt, the shame and fear. “It’s not real.” she tells herself when she is conscious; but totally bought into the drama when she forgets who she really is.

When she listens, the flow of wisdom sets in momentumtarily and there is peace; but when she forgets, she beats herself up for the guilt, the shame and the fear. She forgets that when she is oblivious to what is running in her mind, she behaves that way. She wants to cry, she wants to scream.

She is in great pain, only because she is delusional. To protect herself, she seemingly attacks and then blames herself again. Poor, poor her… running around her own prison, seeking for the way out.

Somehow though, her constant nourishing of the habit to reflect within has inspired her to be alone, to be still. For that is when, she knows that the listening is possible, the flow of wisdom is possible, the release is then, finally possible. She trusts her cultivation would pay off for that is what which is keeping her sane in her seeming insanity. It would always be worth it, because that would lead her to truly see the truth – that everything is just a misunderstanding – everything, even her own self, is just a dream.

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(reply contributed by luvu)

Hmm her recent entries seems to flow to a new unchartered territory, away from the norm of the “world”. Away from the din of life. What drives her take that path? Was it a choice or was it a deep calling surfacing from within? And someone just asked me tis question in a evening cuppa – do we have a choice?

The yearning is deep, the movement is swift as she flows with the silence that brings her to see the world as superfluous, while the world sees her as a threat, or even redundant.

The world does not understand her but she understood the world as that is where she got out from. One day the alone path she takes is where her Wish is – the fruit of whatever that none can savor except herself. I am joyful for her…

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Meaninglessness of Words

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

When we were little, we learned ABC. Once we were familiar with the entire range of alphabets, we were taught to form words with them, and then to put meanings into them.

The other day, Microsoft Word had red lines underneath some words which my teacher had typed on some articles. I was sure I had heard or read those words before, but somehow Word did not accept them as words, giving me the impression that they were either spelt wrongly, or no such words exist. Not satisfied, I checked the Oxford dictionary and some Word Power dictionary that I’ve purchased from Reader’s Digest. Still, no word to be found. I decided to google them, and most words (which I had googled) did have their definitions though they were not the source of words; and beside them, in italics or in brackets explained to me why these words were not in the dictionaries or accepted by Word. They were less commonly used.

My darling Angel (ahem, as in Angeline) is a very cute girl. Many a times, when our teacher tells us a word, or when I tell her a word, or someone else tells her a word, she would say that it is not it. When I ask her to explain to me her experience of what she deemed to be different, I’d soon find out that she meant the same as what our teacher said, what I said or what someone else had said. And then she’d say, “eh, but I thought that was YYY (as in the word she used differently)!!!” And we’d both realise that we had the same meaning or experiences but had worded them differently. Similarly, hers and my meaning of the word ‘Innocence’; albeit the same word; is different.

Who is to say that what she perceived of the meaning of a word is not the word that is not right? And who is to say that what we perceived of the meaning of a word, so commonly used, is right? In truth, there is no right and wrong because words are meaningless. They are merely alphabets put together, and being conjured a meaning as a mean to communicate with the public.

So easily we judge ourselves or others when we see things differently from the norm of the society. It’s either we are wrong, or they are wrong ~ so we either beat ourselves up, or we have mental wars with others. It’s a never-ending story.

Of course, it serves a purpose to communicate in the same ‘lingo’ per se. But really, even if we are really speaking the same language, using words which are commonly understood by the norm, can we be sure that I am really understanding you, or that you are really understanding me? I can never be sure and will never know. Can you?

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Distorted Reality

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

When someone gives you, it is your entitlement; when you give someone, it is their entitlement. Simple as that. It is when anyone starts putting meaning into an action, the storyline begins.

The other day, I received a text from a friend saying that he will be in Pyramid on Tuesday. Because it was Tuesday by the time I received his text, I wasn’t sure if he was referring to that particular Tuesday or whichever Tuesday. So I replied seeking clarification. He replied, “Today”. I replied again, citing that I’d be at Gardens and then received no more text from him, until I have arrived at Gardens. He said that he could detour to collect some documents from me if I had taken them out with me. I didn’t bring out any documents with me.

Without a thought, I told him that I was already in Garden, and added, “you replied so late…” Very soon, his reply came back concluding, “ya.. ya.. everything is my fault.” I was surprised, as I did not see it that way. When I queried him further if he felt guilty, he answered saying no, but was given the perception that it was so. I quietly laughed at myself. I must have sent out that energy. 

In truth, nothing has happened. So he replied late in my experience and that was a fact to my experience. However, I failed to see from his point of view that, that was the best he could do at that moment because he was caught up with something else and could not reply to me earlier. And, that’s really ok. That was reality, because it happened that way.

But how the conclusions came about were resulting from the ideas that were running in both our minds. “I should have called earlier.”; “I shouldn’t have said that.”. Thus, the beginning of the externalised storyline. What is the difference? It has happened and could not happen any other way – as in, us being unable to meet. That was reality, and we both unconsciously distorted reality by concluding that it was his being late that had resulted in another delay.

And earlier, my aunt called me to share with me her experience of a credit card overcharged, resulting in my uncle having to pay heaps more than expected from her ‘carelessness’ of not checking details prior to signing a form. This resulted in a lot of guilt arising within her. Having said that however, everything has been resolved todate.

It was obvious to me, the ideas that were running in her head. And she asked me, “Should I go back to work?” I laughed. This cycle is so ancient and it happens to all of us, and yet we cannot see what is it that makes her say that. “I am bored” we say, or “I want to make my own money”. It is all an illusion. An illusion that keeps us here, recycling what is ancient within us, blocking us from seeing what is really being called to see.

“What is the Truth?” she asked me. Oooh the ego so wants to know… “it depends where you are,” I told her. The Spirit already knows. The Spirit always knew. Only when we continuously run around, not listening; camouflaging what’s within; we see what’s we have always seen before, never realising that there is always something more.

My teacher told me the other day, my past wisdom is my present ignorance. To be honest, I was very much triggered by it. I had just acknowledged my progress!! And yet, there was wisdom in what he said ~ there is no conclusion to wisdom. To see things as before, is not seeing it at all.

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It’s back to the Self

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

~ Buddha ~

thus, the beginning journey back to the Self…

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The Chattering

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Although on the surface, everything seems fine, the inner world is what we truly experience as real. So constantly and unconsciously that at every moment in time, whenever we see a ‘body’ out there, we are either seeking approval or something else from another. It could be a simple sms, which did not require an acknowledgment, and yet the mind wanders off, wandering… “eh, how come he/she never reply one?”

Is there a need to reply an sms when all that one sends in a text are merely expressions? As what BiBoo said in the comment of my previous entry, we look like we are talking to each other, but in truth, we are just talking to ourselves – verbalizing our internal talk. It is like those people you see in asylums, or in the midst of getting caught up in work. They start talking to themselves and we label them as ‘mad’ or ‘crazy’.

The truth is that we are all mad. But on another level, that too, is an illusion when we are finally aware of our immersion with the automated programmes running in the mind. There are two inner worlds that are struggling within ~ one that sees the truth and the other that lives the lie.

Yesterday I went through some saved chats I had with some friends. As I read through consciously, I realised how easily we misinterpret or misunderstand each other. I’m sure you know how it is, words flying across the chat rooms without stopping.. sometimes it is confusing until someone decides to stop a while and wait for the other to finish talking. And yet, even if that person has or has not, we wouldn’t know.. because that person does not say so unless we ask. So it is always in our guessing, and for that the possibility of interruptions and misunderstanding each other is so high.

Another thing I realised about myself was this. I like silence, but yet fear of it. That is why I talk a lot, even in chats. I just type on, not paying full attention to what is being presented to me because I am afraid of the silence which could potentially arise. And I cannot allow that silence to come up, especially when I deem there is a ‘body’ out there communicating with me, because that would trigger discomfort in me – all learning from a delusional idea, the wrong perception from the observations of past experiences. So you see how the mind is always chattering. At least in my case. Even when we see a quiet person, we perceive that the person is peaceful and has nothing much to say thus conclude he must have a peaceful mind. Check with him deeper, and he will reveal that it is not so… there are many, many chattering in the mind, only that he did not take the path to externalise it.

Sometimes it comes to the extent that there is really nothing to say because you will never get what I mean and I will never get what you mean. When I think I get what you mean, it is only because what I think you are saying is what I think resonating with what I think it is. In truth, I may never be sure if that is what you mean for words that come out from you are going into my ears and my mind, which are then interpreted by the old programming which still runs.

It’s hard to shake this off. But it is only hard because we judge. Although self-awareness is important, what’s more important – according to my experience and my teacher’s repeated teachings – is our attitude towards it, and our choice to consciously choose again.

In truth, nothing has happened. It was all a dream. It was just our imagination. It was just an illusion, which we had unconsciously took it as real… opps… ;p

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The Acknowledgment

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

The other day I was having a chat with one of my teachers over Skype. He commented how much I had grown in my journey and that I was resonating with his teachings. At that moment, although I was sure he was right, there was sheer shyness obviously stemming from the sense of unworthiness. The praise I would say did ‘make my day’ although constant thoughts of doubt filled my head too. My teacher, noticing my silence and, understanding the mind too well, reminded me to ignore the ego talks.

After that conversation, I felt a little elated and a little proud. I excitedly told hubby what my teacher had said and hubby too, acknowledged the same. At that moment, I wondered… how would he (hubby) know that I had grown? And then I realize the sense of doubt had surfaced again.

At this stage, self-inquiry has become a natural process for me. It was always a matter a time when this process sets in for the right understanding to surface. I questioned the mixed emotions; pretty sure that it was all of egoic nature, or rather unconscious projection at play.

And soon, I realized…

I did not dare to acknowledge my own growth – this failure to acknowledge myself had put me in an inferior position, seeking approval or acknowledgement from the outside. And once I get that from the outside, I became somewhat superior! However, that superiority did not last when plays of doubt set in. It just could not surpass that inferiority because that superiority was merely a swing from one end of the pendulum from the other end. Get what I mean?

And yet, I cannot deny that I have indeed grown. Even Angel commented that the contents of my blog entries are somewhat different from the past. Being true to myself, I realized that my understanding had heightened to the extent that I could edit my teacher’s work with a kind of clarity and surety. I clearly understands what he is writing – even having the courage to correct his sentences to put out what he means clearer. Previously when I was bestowed such tasks, I would just proofread per se. Just grammatical errors if you know what I mean, not having the guts to question, suggest or say anything at all simply because I wasn’t really sure if I understood what he was writing!! And I assure you, what my teacher writes is D-E-E-P! Now, I could put in words; suggest another way to present what he means and etc. That, to me, is real progress in my journey.

So having realized my own progress, and finally acknowledging myself for it, I came to peace with myself.

How did I know?

On Thursday, I went up to Ipoh with my teacher and a few friends. During our mum-mum time, my teacher mentioned once again to one of our friends that I was one of his fastest growing students from the centre. Another accompanying friend acknowledged that. I kept quiet and watched the mind. I did not feel anything. I did not feel elated, or shy, or even in doubt. It was strange, but I knew. I was impartial to that statement because I had already acknowledged myself for it. I did not need anyone out there to acknowledge me in that way anymore. In fact, I never needed any acknowledgement from anyone, except myself. Although having said that, I still appreciate your expression, teacher!! *winks*

It is easy to tell ourselves or other people that whatever that we have ever needed is within, and that in truth, we don’t really ‘need’ anything from anyone out there. But until the experience is true to me, then I could vouch for it. And now, I can vouch for it.

I used to be pretty upset when people misunderstand my blog entries too. When I write, I write from the space of truth – my experience of truth, that is – and my intentions are purely to share, or to remind myself; but somehow I would receive comments telling me not to think so much, not to be sad, angry or upset… and that life is simply too short! As if I belonged to some mental hospital!!

Oh, if you only knew the Truth! And really, I am just jotting down what I’ve learned and what I’ve experienced… not upset, or angry or sad, or depressed.

But that aside. That is not what I was getting at. What I am getting at is this; I am no longer effected by other people’s comments on my blog… I finally understand them, because I have understood myself. And, this understanding liberates me.

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(reply contributed by BiBoo)

The mind is always talking. And at times verbalizing it. Your teacher’s verbalized comment is only his own internal talk. Not that he is right or wrong but that internal talk is his internal business. And you have your own talk too, and thus becomes your internal business. In fact all of us have, talking to ourselves ALL the time.

Then suddenly we are happy that people are talking to us or about us. But do they? Or are they talking about what is in their head?

We thought people are talking to us. We thought we are talking to people. Watch the mind and you will find a revelation that will dismay and yet awe you.

They say talk is cheap and GG even said it is free! The talk is not as important as what we truly feel about ourselves, irrelevant what our teacher, our enemy or our beloved said about us.

That is where our peace lies. To succumb to other’s statement is liken to changing our head for others – we lose ourselves in that process.

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The Quick Defense

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

The other day, I saw how I so quickly defended myself when someone comments something about me which I deem as untrue. Untrue, because I think I am not what they think me to be.

However, as I pondered deeply upon my quick-to-defend behaviour, I begun to what the other person thought or perceived of me was right. It cannot be wrong because that was her observations of me and her conditioning had made her conclude what she thought about me. And what has her perception got to do with me, except to allow me an opportunity to self-inquire my auto-mated reaction?

I realised that I was triggered because I think what you say about me is untrue; and I don’t like you to think that way of me. Again, what have what you think of me got to do with me? That’s right, absolutely nothing. Anyone is entitled to think what they think similarly to my entitlement to freedom.

So it seems that while others have perceptions of me, so have I of myself. And when I find that you say or think a quality of me which does not agree with the list of qualities of what I think I am, then I’d say, “you don’t know me”. But do I really have these qualities – those I think I have and those you think I have? Yes and no. Yes due to the nature of impermanence; and no because what is inconsistent cannot be real. What is real is always constant and consistent.

So what I think I am, and what you think I am is ultimately not important ~ because they are all not me. And who I am; whom you think you see, whom I think I see; is but only a bundle of false ideas, hiding behind a persona to fool the world and myself that ~ this is I.

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The Spiritual Journey

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Since I’ve been on my own journey, I’ve come across many few who also claim to be on their journey. Why I say ‘claim’ is because I can never know if they are as serious as I am in my journey, or if they, in fact, even know what the term ‘spiritul journey’ means. Either way, there’s no right and wrong – there never has been anyway.

Well, my spiritual journey may not be in the context that is familiar to many. You see, spirituality has always been linked to great religions and they very much include (in perceptions) prayers, going to temples, being a follower of monks/great teachers, charitable works, donations, meditation, and etc. But truly, have we ever pondered, if this is what spirituality really means?

I would label (according to my perception, that is) myself if I did the stuffs I just mentioned above more as ‘pious’ than spiritual. Pious because that would be examples defined according to religion practice. I wouldn’t even call it a teaching. On the surface, I may say, “oh, I respect all religions and they are the same” but on the inside, I know what beliefs I strongly hold –  “I will never bow/pay respect to a statue!”, “I will never listen to a Christian sermon” or what have you.. well, not what have you… it’s WHATEVER!!! And most of the time, I would be doing it out of fear, out of an ulterior motive of seeking protection/blessings, or simply just having ‘something’ out there to identify with, or belong to. So many possible ideas that could be churning in the subconscious, and yet, I act like a machine, without questioning.

Spiritual Journey (again, only my perception) is an inward journey leading towards freedom. As what LF always say, “it is turning the radar inwards” that means to say, instead of blaming someone/something out there justifying reasons why we have the right to be upset or angry – to just pay attention to ourselves instead, and question. Question, “why do I feel angry? what is it about me that I am not at peace with?” Surely, at the beginning journey, the arrows would continue shooting at someone/something out there, but consciously bringing it back to ourselves again and again, the right understanding will surely surface.

So how does right understanding serve me? It’s simple and straightforward. It’s freedom. Freedom from what, you may ask – the world? the society? the sufferings? Oh no… far, far from it… what is the world, the society or the sufferings but simply reflections of my inner world. When I am not at peace, the world shows me that; and when I am at peace, the world shows me that, too. 🙂

So, free from what?

I will tell you. Free from “I”. Of course, even as I say, “I” want to be free – it can be born also from the stem of the ego. But you see, if it is my birth right to be free, then surely, this “I” that threads on the journey towards freedom and Home could not be the same “I” that causes the sufferings.

It is a tricky game. It ~ the ego ~ is in so many forms although it does not exist. And yet its excellence in fooling us that it exists through the ‘realness’ that we think it is. So it is truly not in the ‘doing’ of prayers, temple visiting, charitable deeds and etc that is any relevant in a Spiritual Journey but our own awakening to our ignorance. In truth, there is really just nothing to do, except to answer to an inner calling, that automatic knowing, that automatic decision – that alignment with Home.

I am thankful to the teachings made available to support my journey, and also to my teachers who serve as additional avenue of channels for the Truth to come through ~ one who knows exactly the timing to come into my space to give me more clarity; one who knows exactly the time to answer to my emails and shout-out (you know who-you-are *winks*) so as to trust and empower me in my journey to freedom, to Home.

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Fear of the Known & Unknown

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

The mind is fearful of the unknown, but thinks it knows the known and also what lies in the unknown – which is what makes it fearful; and yet the truth is, it knows not of anything known or unknown, which is why it is always in a state of fear.

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