Documenting Eruditions
Jun 23rd, 2010 by admin
Our pessimism about the world is the mirror image of our indictment of ourselves.
If we have not learned to hold our fear compassionately and look without judgment on the shadowy aspects of ourselves, we cannot look at the world with acceptance or compassion.~ Paul Ferrini ~
Tags: acceptance, compassion, innerchild, willingness
Jun 21st, 2010 by admin
I am most amazed by this mind. Counting the days and tirelessly listing down the cravings of food during the past 16-day rice & water fast, what I had thought would be a blissful feast on the 16th day at the time of break-fast, turned out to be a no-big-deal experience. As I walked along the stalls of the Suan-Lum Night Market, sourcing for the list of food that I already had planned in mind that I would savor at the time of break during the period of the fast; nothing appealed to me. I had a hard time picking out dinner, not because they all looked delicious and I couldn’t choose from them, but because they all didn’t seem to appeal to me as they would have during my fasting period. It was one of the most astonishing experiences I had. I had no doubt that Thai food would be simply sumptuous, but somehow the taste of food which I eventually picked to break-fast with was hmm… believe it or not, like the taste of rice which I experienced during my 16-day fast. It was weird. Even when my partner offered me his yummy tom yum koong, I felt impartial to it despite the appearance of my enjoying the tom yum. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, but the feeling was just… impartial.
Maybe what I didn’t realize then was that I was again, the observer of the experience, rather than being the immersed experiencer. The excitement which I had thought would arise did not materialize so to speak and I questioned the wonderment of such experience. I was well aware of the expectations based on my teachers’ experiences, but it was still very strange to me.
Later in the night, I realized that I was experiencing something that I’ve always known, but was not conscious of. When I was fasting, I wanted to get away from fasting but being aware of the commitment that I had already made to myself – thus the decision to list down all the food joints that I wish to patronize once the fast was over; and yet, after the fast, the interest to relish the list of food was simply non-existent! It was as if, now that I could have what I want, I don’t want it anymore. How ironic. So, I was fully experiencing how: when the ego is deprived of something, hence the wanting of what is deprived; and yet when it is finally given what it thinks it wants, the wanting goes stale. Does that mean that the wanting is not really from the space of love and joy, but simply from the space of fear since it thinks that it is being deprived in the first place? The point is this, if it was not really in the ego’s interest anyway, then how could it be deprived at all? Can you see, it is all a trick – the trickiness of “I”-ness?
I remember during the period of fast, there were days where I felt absolute peace with myself during the rice & water fast, simply content and calm with consuming just rice and water. There was a sense of tranquility, quietness and stillness that accompanied. And yet, after I, or rather the ego, was aware of such peace, the whole drama plays again – “is this what I want?”; “this is nonsense”; “I want to eat something else!”… creating never-ending storylines to emphasize how “I” was a victim. It was ‘suffering’, yet comical; if you get what I mean.
We can never win the ego, at least that is true in my space at the moment; but I could always observe it and allow it to dance in the mind. This requires remarkable amount of practice attainable by anyone who is interested in ceasing sufferings and doubts in their lives. I’ve mentioned before in one of my previous entry, The Chattering, where I am living in two worlds – one that sees the truth, and one that lives the lie. I live the lie when I am mindless, totally bought into the stories which makes me a victim, or a victimizer; and I watch the lie, when I am mindful, curbing the lies within the mind level – seeing the truth of what it is.
There is indeed no right and wrong in this, or anything but the mere recognition of such nature. After this entry, I am pretty sure the state of mind will change again, as it always does. Perhaps, when my husband packs supper later, I will feel differently about food again (other than rice, that is). Who knows? My job is just to observe, and recognize. 🙂
Tags: conditionings, ego, ignorance, innertalks, mindfulness
Jun 15th, 2010 by admin
I believe that each of us, mostly, own a laptop. Do we agree that whatever programs that we install into the hard disk of the laptop, are the programs that run in the hard disk and thus, the multiple functions usable on the laptop such as Word, Excel, PowerPoint, and Access would be the effects of such programming and we are the experiencer of the whole programming?
So, if I were to put in a ‘I love me’ program; it is likely the moment I switch on my laptop, the screen on my laptop would show me how beautiful I am, remind me how much I am being loved, show me beautiful images of love, probably narrate love poems to me or even serenade love songs to me.
On the contrarily, if I were to put in a ‘I hate me’ program; it is likely that the moment I switch on my laptop, the screen on my laptop would show me images on how ugly and imperfect I am, how others despise me, shows me hate notes and play out hateful or hurtful songs to me.
If I, the experiencer of the latter, do not like what I am experiencing; would it be effective for me to blame the laptop for making me feel bad and lousy, or perhaps tear down the screen of the laptop if I wanted to change my experience in the hope that the next time I turn on my laptop again, those images, words, songs would not reappear?
We all know how laptops or computers work; and we know that it doesn’t work that way. We know and understand that if we wanted to experience a different effect or usage for the laptop, we would have to reformat or reprogram the hard disk to the specifics that serves us. The unhelpful programs have to be thrown away.
Our lives are as such. Never mind about the no “I” concept or what is beyond the world at the moment. Let’s look at life as it is now. We feel like life is unfair to us, because people are treating us this way; because situations are like not in favor – we are constantly depending on outer conditions to make us feel better about ourselves – same as depending on the screens of the laptop to make us feel a certain way and when it does not happen, we blame it on the screens on the laptop, on what is only the projection of the programs in the hard disk, instead of remembering or being aware that these projections are NOT the source of the problem. Even that, we also conveniently forget who is responsible for the programming, when it is no one else other than ourselves. Are we not the writer of our own lives, are we not the masters of our own mind? So nicely said, and yet, so little truth in it in most of us.
We fail to see that we are the ones narrating our own lives; from moment to moment, consciously or unconsciously. If we had understood the mechanics of how the programming works in the hard disk of a laptop, then it is not possible that you would not understand how our minds work. All our minds work the same, only there are some tricky parts to it which requires our uncompromising integrity and honesty to get at it. And it starts with the observation of the mind.
Similar to the text contents of reading or watching the documentary, The Secret. There is truth to it, but yet not it. However, it is necessary to understand such possibilities – in fact, it is a start. But what the book or the documentary doesn’t cover is the underlying process that leads one to it, which is why most people experience mixed results.
One of my teachers reminds me, that no one can get hurt in this dream. This is not a dream of impossibilities but a dream of possibilities, which is why it is important to observe the mind thus understand how it works in order to master it. We do not tame it by suppressing it, but understand it in order to work with it. If we do not understand the characteristics of something, how do we maneuver it?
I believe that in each of us, all we ever truly want is to be at peace with ourselves; and the first step to that is to start turning the radar inwards to investigate each trigger we experience. When we stop pointing fingers outside, or rather, at the ‘projection’, we come back close to home, to the ‘projector’ and then to the program in the hard disk, i.e. the ideas in the mind. When we are able to get to the root idea of the programming, then can a re-programming be possible.
Tags: conditionings, Ideas, inquiry, integrity, mindfulness, projections, takingresponsibility
Jun 14th, 2010 by admin
From moment to moment, we think we are free. I repeat, think, we are free. But if we were to spend time questioning our inner world, we will know that we are not. We will soon realize that we are bonded by lots of things – our family, our career, our interest, our materials, our societal limitations; and all of them come from ideas in the mind – all conditioning of the past, molded into perceptions from experiences and learnings passed on to us from generation to generation, or from schools, or from authorities and etc.
If we were to authentically ask ourselves, we have a set of ideas on how to love others, treat others, present ourselves and etc. Like it or not, we even have a set of ideas on who we are, how we ought to behave and etc. These ideas are all, in fact, trapping. It is either we are reliant on outer conditions for us to feel a certain way, or we feel a need to do certain things for us to feel a certain way. If what comes to us is not in match with the idea that we already have in the mind, resistance starts setting in – thus the blaming, the pushing of responsibilities or the excuses. There will always be an unconscious wanting to get out of the way, if you know what I mean.
A near example in which I had experienced is the recent curve in my path that I am already working on. I started a fasting programme which I did not believe in which had inevitably set me on a training programme which I did not ask for, but am already embarking on anyway. Although I am aware of what is happening, there was a strong part of me which was opposing the whole process and yet, I did not know why I was following the flow with it, despite the resistance. Although eventually, I knew that it was molding my path towards much greatness and for the highest good, I felt that that was not the way I wanted it to be. You see, I already had a pre-conceived idea on how I had wanted my path to be, and for that, I suffered.
I failed to see that since this path was already laid in front of me and I was already walking it albeit the resistance, this was indeed, the path for me. It could not be any other way because it is what it is. My resistance was merely coming from the space that it was not in agreement with the idea that I already had in mind, thus my suffering. Even if I was wailing and complaining about it, no one else was suffering, except me.
My teacher used to say, we never have a choice. I now begin to see a deeper meaning to it. We all like to have choices – to do this or to do that, to say this or to say that. But what we do or say, or don’t do or not say, is already not of choice – because these decisions are made from the already ingrained ideas in the mind, which allows me no other way to make any other choice outside of the conditionings that I already have in the mind. On that level, what choice do I have? Or more real, how free can I be?
My freedom comes from surrendering and trusting. And that too, is an idea – a renewed conditioning to the old patterns in the mind. Even though I do not have a choice, but at least I have a choice within the choices that I already have; and therein lay my freedom – the right view which brings me inner peace and inner freedom – and no one else can give me that, except myself.
So are we free? No, we are not. We are not free because of the concepts, ideas and conditionings in the mind, and yet, it is pleasing to realize that freedom can be experienced within the limitation of choices we already have in the mind by choosing the right view, right perception. Freedom, or being free, is not about having not a care in the world, it is about releasing expectations of what is ahead, surrendering the old patterns that do not bring us peace, and forgiving the old perceptions that do not serve our highest good. Although also not a choice, but at least a choice within the choices in the mind which allows us move freely either elevating us to the space of love and peace, or fear. That is our choice, and yes, we are free in that sense, within the limitations.
Of course, until Final Freedom…
Tags: conditionings, Freedom, Ideas, surrendering
Jun 11th, 2010 by admin
Not even if it rained gold coins can there be satiety in sensual desire. Sensual pleasures are painful and of little sweetness. Realizing this, the wise person takes no delight even in heavenly pleasures. The disciple of the Fully Enlightened One delights in the destruction of craving.~ Buddha, Dhammapada 186, 187 ~
Tags: Buddha, desires, Freedom, spiritualjourney, wisdom
Jun 10th, 2010 by admin
Apparently, to free the mind is to be free of concepts. To be free of concepts means, to undo all sorts of limitations that binds us. I am speaking of things which we find are restrictive to our sense of being, which disable us to achieve our fullest sense of joy. But then again, peace is also being one with what is, whatever the limitations – and in oneness, I suppose, limitations cease to be limitations because there is no separation.
I remember my teacher speaking about ideas that were binding during my first Wisdom meditation class with him at the center, and how important it was for us to question each of their potency in order to attain freedom and peace. I asked him, if whatever that he was sharing with us, was just another idea. He quickly agreed and concluded, “yes, it is an idea which will free you.”
Having been on this journey for quite some time now, I am now familiar with how ideas are running each of our lives at every moment in time. It is like the mind has certain specific criteria or sets of rules in particular with an idea and each time it picks up something from any of the five senses, it automatically goes into search for a match with the inner data bank stored in the mind. Whether a person experiences joy, sadness, anger, peace, happiness is all dependent on the ideas at the back of the mind.
So is it possible to be free from concepts? Yes, it is. But that itself too, is a concept – a concept of no concept. I was questioning my teacher once again, why is it that we can never be entirely be concept-free and he gave a very surety answer – because we are still here. As I pondered upon it, it somehow rings true. If I was totally concept-less, perception-less, idea-less, I guess I would not be able to live in this world anymore although I may be a very peaceful and joyful being so to speak. But again, if I am that concept-less, perception-less, idea-less, I don’t even need to be here, get what I mean?
So we are still here and obligations remain. But how do we live a more joyous and peaceful life with the concepts in mind? It is possible by foregoing the wrong view, for the right view. An action can be the same, but it is the thought or intention behind it that makes a difference and which calls for different results. An action done based on fear calls for a result which may demand expectations, disappointments, anguish, anxiety and what have you. The same action based on love comes, mostly with qualities of gentleness, surrendering, allowing, joy and acceptance. An act of love brings forth light, calming to our essence; where as an act of fear brings forth more fear, deadly to our well-being.
It is of utmost important to inquire within ourselves and question each limitation we have in the mind. This can lead us ultimately to our own inner freedom and peace, and for miraculous experiences to occur. Not that we switch our wrong perceptions to right perceptions for miracles to occur but miracle itself is a result from a shift in perception. The inner shift brings us closer to our Core Self, where peace and freedom lies.
Would you start doing your homework now?
Tags: Freedom, Ideas, mindfulness, projections, takingresponsibility, thoughts, wisdom
Jun 9th, 2010 by admin
From a core belief of unworthiness is stem lots more beliefs resulting in behaviors which are either confirmatory or compensational, as illustrated by Paul Ferrini very clearly in his book ‘Embracing Our True Self’. In other words, we either try to manifest that belief or try to prove that it is wrong.
I was having dinner with someone dear and he was expressing how he was always being pushed around by some seniors even during his off duty hours. It’s as if, it is hard to say no to these people without being sent on a guilt trip, or ending up in an argument. The seniors win most of the time anyway, because of their superior ‘I am bigger than you’ kind of attitude. So my someone dear usually swallows with much rage and disappointment and conforms to their requests even though he heavily resents it. This is a confirmatory behavior of inferiority while his seniors, imposing a persona of superiority, which is also another form of inferiority by the way, were displaying a compensational behavior. We may ask how this is so, since superiority usually comes with some meaning of confidence or ‘better than you’ kind of mentality; so how could it be that superiority is also a form of inferiority? Consider again, if we were really confident and in full acceptance of ourselves, need we prove our ‘better than others’ qualities to others by making others small?
If we were to observe these characteristics from a helicopter point of view, we will soon realize that these inferiority or superiority attitudes come from the same source of idea, which is unworthiness. Because we were never really taught to be responsible for ourselves in the areas of our own feelings and thoughts, we make others responsible for our pain or our lack of worth by either blaming them, or giving away our power to make us happy or even more worthy. It is as if, based on others’ response or reaction to us, then we’d be able to tell ourselves that we are loved and accepted, or be ascertained of certain qualities are in us, or not.
Unfortunately, that doesn’t work. As long as we have to rely on another to fulfill our false-made ideas about ourselves, sooner or later others will fall out of our lives, or we will soon realize that it doesn’t work. Definitely, the latter would be a better realization because in the earlier, if others were to fall out, we would just search for others to replace if we did not have wisdom yet to realize it. And then here, we can witness the snake at work, its subtle, slithery yet manipulative way of menacing others (the replacements) into the trap. I am not trying to scare us or tear down our ‘I-am-a-good-person’ persona, but until we truly see that part of us – from moment to moment, behind that persona, we are constantly fencing others in to do what we want them to do for us, to say what we want them to say for us ~ whether or not they agree to it. Even if they were not agreeable to it initially, we would slow talk them into a guilt trip we unconsciously put them on so that they will continuously serve us. Having said that, the snaky way can also come in a form of a harsh attack.
If we are truly authentic and true to ourselves, we will find that no one or nothing outside of us is capable of really satisfying us. My mom was just highlighting my lack-of-involvement in the house that I live in. From the moment I moved in here, I was already thinking of moving back to where I came from. Mom highlighted to me that it was because my old home was much smaller and I appreciated myself for handling everything by myself, but in this house (due to the much bigger space), I relied on the maid. So because I played no part in any of the cleaning or cooking of the house, I felt no connection with the house. I was constantly always looking forward to get out of this house, citing that it is just too big. But when I looked deeper into myself, it was and always has been unworthiness. The unworthiness of living and owning up to this beautiful house, not appreciating what I already have in the now, thus resulting in my finding faults with it, complaining how far it is from everything, how big it is and etc. In truth, everything is perfectly fine! So if I hadn’t taken responsibility to look into this discomfort I felt, I wouldn’t have come face to face with the unworthiness in me. I would have continued to blame and find excuses with this beautiful home which shelters my family and I and most of all, find no peace within myself at all.
Until we are willing to look inwards about our own likes, dislikes, behaviors, actions, reactions, peace within will not be possible. It takes integrity and courage because we are now beginning to take responsibility of ourselves, instead of relying on others to fulfill our criteria of false-made self beliefs. In doing so, we free others and also ourselves. We release the expectations we have onto others and also relieve ourselves of the burden of hiding behind a persona. We may tell ourselves that it is not a mask, but one day when we are alone, sitting on the sofa and feeling tired of life, we would know that we had lived a life of lie.
Tags: Ideas, inquiry, integrity, reflections, takingresponsibility, unworthiness, willingness
Jun 8th, 2010 by admin
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot help the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by encouraging class hatred.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away man’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.
~ Abraham Lincoln ~
Tags: Ideas, reflections