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Lovingly in Lovingness

May 21st, 2010 by

If I am loving myself, not having to rely on another to give me love, I am totally at peace with myself. And while I am loving me, I am also loving him, when he loves himself in loving the things he is doing; even if it means his attention is not on me, but on someone else or something else. I am loving to see that, because in loving him, he is too, loving me.

If I am seeing that he is loving himself when he is being with another, either a person or a thing, it is okay with me because he is loving him and loving me. But when my ideas protrude thoughts like ‘he is mine’ or ‘he shouldn’t do that’, I can be sure that I am headed for trouble – my own suffering.

When I don’t question my thoughts or my ideas, I continue to dwell in my suffering. Although I may try to resist it or elevate myself from my suffering – I know better; I want to swim in it, bathe myself in it and literally be it if I could – so that I could feed my addictive pattern of being a victim. You see, in being a victim, I am somebody. And it is nice to be somebody, because that would mean I exist and that I am important – whether or not it is a victim role I take on.

I fail to see, that even when I am using these tricks for my ‘existence’ to prove my ‘importance’, I am fooling no one not to see that I don’t exist and am not important. The truth is because I am thinking that way, because of some weird, unwholesome and unquestioned idea that I have at the back of my mind, I am believing that I really don’t exist and I am not important and gosh, how I hate that!

But if I were to come back to myself, and really look into myself, I’d realize that it was only me in need of something that I had perceived someone else could give me. In fact, it is not even really ‘me’ in need but an idea of needing.

If ideas are the ones that are making me feel this way, then who is the one running my life? Is it me? Or ideas? If it is truly me in charge of my life, then how is it that I am needing or relying on someone else to love me or to fulfill my needs? And if ideas were the ones who were running my life, then I must be in awed because all my life, I have lived ‘under control’ thinking that everything that I’ve done, said or thought of was from me, me and me! How ironically insane! Me not being me, me not living my life!

As I begin to question the thought system I am having, I realize that I never had to ‘exist’. The ‘existence’ which I thought I needed to ‘exist’ was merely an idea which needed to ‘exist’ out of ignorance. Once I’ve met with it and faced it lovingly – it disappears, also lovingly. And in that space, need I say more, is just continuous lovingness.

So if I am truly appreciating myself – whether I exist or not, whether I am important or not – I am already loving myself. And in that space, I exist in a non-existential way and don’t exist in an existential way. Now, isn’t that a wonderment! I am neither this, not that! And it is freeing! I cannot even begin to describe the joy! And oooh, everything… everything is just loving as I am loving because everything just is ……  It is indescribable…

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Essences in Storylines

May 21st, 2010 by

It is just a story, and yet it is through stories we learn.
What we learn is not of how the story begun, went or end but of the essence the story presents.
Give attention to the essence, we grow a little wiser;
Give attention the story, there you go again – down and down the rabbit hole…

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In Love with Symbols? You must be Joking!

May 20th, 2010 by

If we have truly tasted even a hint of self love, it is unlikely that we would allow ourselves to be reliant on love from another. I am not saying in the context where we stop others from loving us, or stop loving others; because that is in fact quite impossible and beyond our control. I am speaking more of self sustenance, without being affected or moved by another’s words, actions, behavior or perception of us – good or bad; pleasant or unpleasant.

And if we have savored a tinge of self acceptance, it is too, not likely that we would not accept others as they are, or fear if others will not accept us. There is no way because everything that revolves around us, is of us. It will come to a point, where we project others already accepting of us, or that we are simply at peace in our own beingness even when others find it hard to accept us. Again, we would not be affected or moved by another’s words, actions, behavior or perception of us – good or bad; pleasant or unpleasant.

We think we can fall in love with someone; or have someone fall in love with us. It is really, just an illusion and an occurrence when the mind is in the state of lack, hence in need of something to fulfill its deficit. Because we love stories, that is how the stories begin – the He and the She, the He and the He, or the She and She; as one ignorantly or intuitively picks up another as a resonating symbol.

The Hes and the Shes we invite to be in relationships with are merely symbols of our inner states; each symbol deferring from one another and dependant on one’s perceived need or lack, also relevant to waving states of the mind. One minute, I need you – so I don’t want another; another minute, I don’t want you – because I need someone else. Depending on my need at that point in time, I am calling out sustenance from different symbols, expecting them to fill up my empty tank.

 When the symbol in the mind is not fulfilling my need, I may feel hurt or anger towards this person who bears the symbol; and when the symbol in the mind is fulfilling my need, I may feel that I am in love with this person who bears the symbol. Over and over, we allow ourselves to be in a state of self betrayal, failing to recognize that it is those very qualities in these ‘symbols’ that we need to acknowledge within ourselves, or give ourselves. Again and again, we find ourselves in a repeated cycle, not being able to transcend the symbols to reclaim ourselves, thus recurring our sufferings.

In truth, I love no one, other than myself. In truth, no one loves me, other than him or herself. Although I’d like to think that he or she loves me, and he’d like to think that I love him or her – it is not possible in the overwhelming sea of defilements. When I don’t have need that needs to be fulfilled by you, I will notice that I don’t really need you to be around; when I have a need in which I perceive only you can fulfill, I claw onto you like an eagle to its prey. This happens the other way round too; never excluding anyone who fails to see that it is he himself who needs to fulfill his own need – of understanding and acceptance – with love and compassion – in reclaiming self.

When will this sickening game ever end? Can it ever end? Until then, the symbols remain; but once transcended – not only the other person is free, so am I. There lingers only pure acceptance and appreciation of what can be experienced as unconditional love.

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Neverending Plots

May 19th, 2010 by

When I started my inward journey with constant efforts and willing inner work which included self-awareness, self-observation and self-inquiry, I soon realized that these qualities became pretty much a natural process unfolding during times of trigger. One by one, closed ones whom I was once and some, still pretty much attached to soon by now, do not require much effort to reflect inwards. To some extent, it had become a second nature to me. Taking responsibility became from a “doing” to an effortless quality that has become part of the practice. Although it can never be immediate all the time, but the time span to begin the self reflection process becomes increasingly shorter.  

So I think I am somewhat free or rather have achieved a certain self sustainable level being able to stand in my own space of integrity, loving me. The truth is, I am still far far away from it.

Recently, or actually not-so-recently, I realized that it was pretty hard to reflect inwards when it came to a particular person. It’s as if there is a sort of indulgence that accompanied the story which kept me toggling between what is real, and what is illusionary. The strength to do inner work seems weakened when it came to this particular person, as if this someone out there is really real. My Darling reminded me that the spiritual journey is never quite linear, and lessons come to us harder and more difficult compared to what we have handled before – for that is necessary for our growth; very much like heading towards an advance class.

The tests come in harder because there will be lots more distractions, lots more bewilderment. And because there are others involved, it is so important to deal with it cautiously and compassionately. ‘It’ means my perceived thoughts, feelings and actions and another’s perceived thoughts, feelings and actions. While it is beyond my control the outcome of the journey of the other; but for the Love of Peace, and Love itself, I can choose to; whilst continuously taking responsibility for myself and do my inner work; to work with the other so that the outcome may consequent to a heightened level of wisdom accompanying deep mutual respect and love for one another without any element of defilement or limitations.

Lesson of the day: Salvation is my only function here. So what is the use of multiplying the layers of what is not real, and to indulge in what may only be a figment of our imagination? It only hurts because I am thinking I need to let go of what was never mine to begin with; having to go back to the painful veil all by myself without anyone there supporting me.

But hasn’t that already become second nature – the inner work, you’d ask? So it has come to another entry level of pain, a deeper layer to unfold or undo so to speak.

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Self Sabotage

May 17th, 2010 by

Most times, we want some things, or yearn for certain experiences but run around in circles not getting to them.  We unconsciously prevent ourselves from fully experiencing what could possibly turn out to be one of the best encounters in our lives and revolve later that regret into self-remorse.

I remember during my early college days, I was very much infatuated with this guy who never knew how my heart went thumpety-thump whenever he was near. Although when it was finally revealed that he too had affections towards me and vice versa, we never proceeded further beyond any normal friendship because I was the cool cat – never granting him any special attention despite the heart’s desire to stand beside him, sit with him, hold his hand, talk to him and etc. Soon, he felt that I was not really interested and after a while, switched his attention elsewhere. Needless to say, I was devastated.

Similar to this good friend I have who has experienced countless courtships. She was constantly suspicious of her man even though her man had no previous history of cheating. That suspicious or non-trust she felt towards her man or rather men in her case, had caused her many times a heart break. She could never understand why these men left her, one after another. It took her a while to at last realize that she was actually self-sabotaging her relationships. It was as if she was not trusting that she could actually experience heightened joyous relationships with her partner and was constantly set to prove herself right by creating friction between herself and her partner. So it was like a protective mechanism that she had set for herself thus already sending the relationship to an automatic destructive mode. Very much like already expecting to fail a subject in university before even the term commences.

In business dealings or projects too we tend to do that despite being sure of our success rate. We somehow come up with something unconsciously to ensure that the deal does not go through, or is never smooth flowing – fear of insufficient funds, fear of lack of support, fear of not enough turn-ups, fear of rejection and etc. It is as if, we are not worthy of such success, such joyful experiences.

Are we not worthy to enjoy the fullest of experiences? Why do we run round and round in circles, always swimming in cycles in fear of being rejected, hurt, ridiculed or even embarrassed?

It has been shared with us that what our hearts’ desire is always attainable, but our mindless behavior thus action always seem to screw things up along the way for us. This is because we have not fully understood the ideas which are running at the background thus projecting the foreground of experiences. I was just telling my Darling today, that in spirits we connect and it seems alright not to meet; yet when we are face to face with each other (I was not referring to her by the way), we tend to unconsciously initiate some shield around us that disallow us to connect physically with another. The most interesting part is that after we leave a reunion, we realize that that was not the experience we had aspired with someone, and wished we could somehow turn back time to re-do everything – and since we can never turn back time, we automatically venture into the self-remorse mode – beating ourselves up for not appreciating the moment with that someone.

When we finally remember to put bodies aside, we go back into peace understanding and experiencing the connection in spirit – but is that a form of deceiving self or a form of resigning to the fact that we could never face each other eye-to-eye – and I do mean the eye-to-eye part here quite literally.  

Like it or not, we are always putting up a show when the curtains are up and when there are perceived audiences. The truth is no one may be watching, but we illusionize ourselves being watched by others and with the accompanying fears arising, we switch on our defensive shield. Exactly who are we defending or shielding ourselves from, except ourselves?

Appreciating the moment is to be in the Now. To be in the Now, is to remember to be present. To be in the present, is to be mindful of what arises. But to go back to the source of ideas, is to begin self-inquiry. As my sot-sot like-minded friend declaims, who would I be without my story? Who would you (and the world) be without my story about you (and the world)?

It’s just another story you see… just another story…

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The Key to the Ignition

May 16th, 2010 by

At some point in Life, we realize that we can never influence what others think no matter how much we try unless and until they buy into our idea – that is, what we were sharing at that moment in time. When they buy into our idea however, it is clearly their own doing and has entirely nothing to do with us.

But soon, we realize that whatever we say or do somehow do carry some weight to the direction or decision another makes in his or her life path. But that direction headed or decision made still, has nothing to do with us, but their own independence and willingness.

I had a chat with my teacher 8 days ago about the fasting process which I dropped. Not that he influenced me or anything like that, but he was merely sharing from his own perspective about the whole process. By evening, without much procrastination, I decided that I would restart the fasting process again for 7 days; which I had successfully completed today. When I was asked why I started fasting again, I couldn’t deny that my teacher had a role to play in it, but in all honesty, I did it for myself and no one else – not ignorantly being influenced by anyone or anything.

When we are conversing with someone, we share our experiences, ideas or views somehow intuitively knowing that if that someone was to have an alternative perspective of looking at things, that perspective itself could very well liberate or bring joy and peace to his beingness. Having said that, it is also important to understand that the acceptance of this someone of the idea which we share is beyond our control and is never our doing or responsibility. So it is like… each of our sharing is like a special key, designed specifically for an independent moment on its own. During the sharing, the key is already presented to the driver, or sometimes even put into the ignition. But in order to start the engine running, it is still dependent on the driver to twist the key.  

Accompanying these kind of selfless sharing I would call it, do require a certain level of wisdom and skill. With wisdom, we understand that we simply convey the message, not in any way convince; with skill, the sharing is cushioned with love, support and compassion instead of an I-know-better-than-you kind of approach.

It is interesting to note that I myself came to this point from a cycle. I used to share because I simply loved to talk (can’t deny that I still love that though)! And then I realized that I got offended when what I shared was not accepted; because I ‘wanted’ that someone to ‘accept’ my ideas and live a better life! And then I went to shutting up (even when I still loved to talk) because I strongly believed that I could never influence the way people think anyway, so what is there to talk or share? And finally, I arrive to understand how it is important to share wise-fully, skillfully and lovingly – not only for the love of talking (I mean, in my case) but also for the wellbeing of others. To add on to how it serves me, it always boils down to my own intention of talking or sharing – out of fear, or simply Love.

My teacher was telling me this afternoon that like it or not, we are all interdependent. We are independent, yet interdependent. We do certain things because someone else asks or invites us to do so, but it is never for them that we are doing it for. A little ironic and paradoxical, yet so true.

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‘Freedom’ from a celebrity’s view point

May 14th, 2010 by

Freedom is a funny word because when we think we’re free, we’re not really. I think freedom is quite illusory. … When I stop thinking about myself all the time and put other people before me on a regular basis, that’s real freedom. When I can love unconditionally… then that’s real freedom. – Madonna

=====

Hmm, am I reading non-self here? So possible…

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Cleaning the Mess in the Mind

May 13th, 2010 by

When I sat onto the driver’s seat, I noticed that there were still specks of dust around the interior of the car despite having promised that the car would been thoroughly cleaned for my collection. I wasn’t displeased, but I wasn’t pleased either; but it did keep me wondering, why is it that we could not do anything perfectly for anybody? What is enough for me may not be enough for another; likewise what is enough for another may not be enough for me.

So since whatever I do may never be good enough for another, and vice versa; why do I go on pleasing others, or strive to live up to others’ expectations – it is as if we don’t have a mind of our own or more true, not sure of what to do with our minds that we so easily accept others’ ideas without pondering the beneficial straits that follow if we were to allow such programming in our minds.

Since all of our experiences are in the mind, of the mind; wouldn’t it be helpful to at least evaluate what ideas are churning at the back of the mind? If we were to go through our lives mindlessly, that is, not ever knowing what is coming through us, to us, from us, of us or whatever; that is how our life is – dead with much quality of mindlessness; or in other words, ignorance.

One of the functions of the mind is that it perceives and it does that with ideas. A Course in Miracles says that a miracle is a shift in perception. If we each could perceive anything from a beneficial point of view, from the space of love and truth for the well-being of others and ourselves – can you imagine what this community would be like?

It is important to take care of our minds, for when our minds are taken care of – our lives and experiences are taken care of.  If we do not safe guard the mind and simply allow whatever that comes to our senses became ingrained ideas in the mind, we live our lives ignorantly, always blaming and complaining about how life is always attacking us in some ways or another; without ever questioning how it is so, and how we could be ‘released’.

My teacher once shared with me what his teacher shared with him, “The mind is not yours, but your responsibility.”  Just as we would prefer to clean our own homes, our own cars to our own level of satisfaction, it is vital to always ‘clean’ up the mess in the mind, by undoing the multiple layers of ignorance that we had never bothered to question. And this process always starts with mindfulness, self awareness, accompanied with proper techniques of inquiry. Through the inward journey, can there be the possibility of going back to the root idea which projects itself in our experiences. With that possibility, comes the opportunity to choose again. Would you have yourself that prospect?

The followers said to J, “Tell us how our end will be.”
He said, “Have you discovered the beginning, then, so that you are seeking the end?
For where the beginning is, the end will be. Fortunate is the one who stands at the beginning;
That one will know the end and will not taste death.”
– Pursah’s Gospel of Thomas –

 Welcoming you into the journey of self awareness, our ticket back Home.

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A Strong Woman Vs A Woman of Strength

May 13th, 2010 by

A strong woman works out every day
to keep her body in shape
but a woman of strength looks deep inside
to keep her soul in shape
*
A strong woman isn’t afraid
of anything
but a woman of strength shows courage
in the midst of her fear
*
A strong woman won’t let anyone
get the best of her
but a woman of strength gives the best
of her to everyone
* 
A strong woman makes mistakes
and avoids the same in the future
but a woman of strength realizes life’s mistakes
can also be blessings and capitalizes on them
* 
A strong woman walks
sure footedly
but a woman of strength knows
when to ask for help
* 
A strong woman wears the look
of confidence on her face
but a woman of strength
wears grace
* 
A strong woman has faith
that she is strong enough for the journey
but a woman of strength has faith
that it is in the journey that she will become strong
===
psst… this applies to men too; for there is neither man nor woman that exists, except in the mind.

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Walking with Pain

May 10th, 2010 by

We can never escape from the myriads of emotions that arise in our day-to-day living. While we welcome pleasant feelings such as happiness, joyfulness and peace, we on the other hand very much detest the opposite kind of feelings such as sadness, insecurity, anger, aversion and etc. We all know why we detest these feelings – because we don’t want the pain. And without further consideration, we sweep ‘pain’ under the carpet again.

I have a friend who recently admitted to me that whenever she met up with me, she always felt emotional to the extent of tearing. It’s like meeting up with me brings up certain realization in her that she could no longer hide that there is pain in her life, that she is unhappy. While she had and still has every choice not to meet up with me, she herself could not understand why she feels happy and excited to meet up with me. I questioned her reluctance in looking at her own pain. She merely blurted, “I don’t know what it is, and I don’t want to go there.” Now, that is a lie. It is not nature that we don’t know what it is, and don’t want to find out. It is when we know what it is, and then make ourselves forget what it is yet have some vague memory of pain of it, and then tell ourselves we don’t want to know what it is – which brings us back at war with ourselves – already a form of self betrayal, self hatred.

No matter how much we try to mask the pain, it does not make it any better for us. We could try to lie to ourselves for a while, but like it or not, it haunts us, pokes us, relay its reality in people whom we love in the form of projection until we are willing to embrace it, face it and there lies the ultimate; which we are fearful we may never get out of it scot-free.

The truth is this. I am telling you – yes, it is painful; but I am also telling you, beneath that pain, lay your power, your treasure, your peace, your joy or whatever you want to call it. Would you take a risk?

The fear can be really tormenting. Everyone goes through it; no one is excluded if freedom and peace is what we want for ourselves. Having said that, we are not to dwell in the pain, dear one, but to be with it and observe it. That is why the practice of mindfulness is important – not only in a formal sitting position, but in our moment-to-moment activity. Having to admit that the hardest in this practice is to remember, still that doesn’t yet give us any excuse to turn away from our pain; except our own wanting to deny our own peace and freedom. To heal that pain, is to walk with it, and be with it. You will be surprised and awed by the magical moment when you stay present to it, you are released. And that can only come with honesty, integrity and willingness. With the amount of doing unto your wound, would take you the same amount of undoing to heal your wound. However, with right mindedness and attitude in place, support – seen or unseen – are naturally with you. All you have to do is ask, and you shall be given.

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