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If

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

if you can disentangle
yourself from your selfish self
all heavenly spirits
will stand ready to serve you

if you can finally hunt down
your own beastly self
you have the right
to claim Solomon’s Kingdom

you are that blessed soul who
belongs to the garden of paradise
is it fair to let yourself
fall apart in a shattered house

you are the bird of happiness
in the magic of existence
what a pity when you let
yourself be chained and caged

but if you can break free
from this dark prison named body
soon you will see
you are the sage and the fountain of life.

~Mevlana Jalaluddin Rumi~

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Baby Steps of Liberation

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

We think we can hide our pain, our shame, our guilt by hiding behind a strong facade, a victim facade, or a happy facade; the truth is even if we are able to deceive others, we could never lie to ourselves. And we think that as long as no one knows, we are ‘safe’. That is silly.

Even if, we are able to psyche ourselves into forgetting what is there for us to face, someday when the container gets too full, the contents will spill over and we would be put in the exact same position again – to fully face our pain, our shame, our guilt.

We were always taught to ‘forget’ about what happened or, don’t ‘think’ about it. Can we truly? I see only the possibility of ‘transcending’ what happened through the right effort, right understanding, right view. In my own journey, I find that the result after investigating the ideas behind a trigger liberates me. It does sound like a lot of work. Despite the occasional prompts of ‘don’t ask’, I never seem satisfied with just that. My teacher reminds me to inquire; which I find brings about freedom upon the result of understanding – but warned me to be mindful of my intentions – for if I was ‘asking’ to fix a problem out there, then don’t ask because I will never get an answer; but if I was ‘asking’ for the right understanding, then the ‘right answer’ will reveal itself.

It’s freedom I am talking about here. Another of my teacher tells me, ‘don’t look forward to liberation, be liberated.’

How paradoxical. To seek for liberation, is to acknowledge that I am not liberated right now; and yet, to acknowledge that I am liberated, what else would there be for me to understand? Perhaps they all come in many forms, which means the same thing. I don’t know. Well, sometimes I get frustrated because I do not know, for that would mean that I will need to work at knowing; but at times I love that I do not know, for nothing here means anything, so there is in truth nothing to know.. and that also I know, so it is not really that I don’t know.. Get it? Now I am kidding myself in a merry-go-round!

I am thankful for a recent experience which had triggered me and an article that BB had written Shedding Away the Old Skin. The co-relation between the experience and the article had made me realised that I truly have no where to hide. The truth is, I could put on a perfect show and con the world but it does not ease the soreness that I feel in the heart – so for that I could never be free or liberated for that matter; until the right understanding arises. And yes, baby steps of right understanding has arrived, through right efforts.

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AWAS!!

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

I noticed some words just below the back wiper on a car in front of me; it said, ‘YOU KISS YOU PAY’. And then just below on the back bumper, ‘AWAS!’. And then I also noticed two little red dragon stickers (those that looks like the little dragon in the cartoon Mulan) stuck one at each side on the back of the car too.

I thought it was a little strange and wondered what frame of mind would entail a person to put so many warning signs on his/her car? Immediately, I looked up and realised that on the back windscreen was a red ‘P’ car sticker. I chuckled… oh, on probation… that figures!!

I thought to myself, how funny we are! We are on probation. People ought to be aware of us because we are unsure of our skills; and yet we warn people in a way not to do this or that so not to bump into us! I witnessed more clearly how we always turn our problem and weaknesses into other people’s problems; thinking that when we ‘defend’ or ‘protect’ ourselves by ‘attacking’ others first, we’d actually be safe! What great illusionists we are!

Having said that, I guess some form of warning is better than no form of warning, right? Imagine a sticker like, ‘please steer clear of me, I am still on probation!‘, do you think anyone would actually put up a sticker like that? I think yes. 🙂 But really, it’s comical.

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Conditional Love

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

The closest someone could ever experience Unconditional Love, in my perception, is Mother’s Love.

They say that Mother’s Love is Unconditional. I’d say that it is conditional – for it is because you are my child, that I love you – and that is conditional. This, I realised 1.5 years ago from the wise sharing of Angel. 🙂

I remember a monk once told me when I visited the Chetawan Temple – the Buddha said, ‘A woman will only know what is true love, when she has her own child’. Of course, I am not sure if these are the exact words. I can’t even remember if these were the exact words I heard – but it was what the mind understood it to be.

I drove passed F’s house and noticed that his car was in hence the decision to dropped by to just to say hi. We chatted for a while and I casually asked a question about his girlfriend which he revealed that he was trying to get away from because she couldn’t cook, she doesn’t work, enjoys life too much and blah blah blah… in short, she is not a hardworker, like him. And the word struck me – conditional. She had to be this and that, in order for him to fully accept her into his life. Just to brief, they were on some cooling off period recently because F had lots in his mind – which he admitted had nothing to do with her. Because he couldn’t handle himself, he shut her out, showing anger towards her whenever she called. She could not understand why, so she respected his request to be left alone and prayed for him, wishing him well. And then one day, she called me and shared with me that he finally met up with her and that they were fine. So I thought things must be going well for him.

The day I saw F was a week from the time she called, and by then he was already reacting differently. I didn’t get it. But of course, I also understand that whatever that I was interpreting may not be what it actually was. For all I know, nothing is going on and he was just talking.

However, it hurt when he mentioned in the middle of the conversation, “if you know how to put me as important, then I will know how to make you important.” or something like that… So… it is back to ‘What’s in it for me?’

It hurt because it was reflecting what I still had not resolved within myself – conditional love – always, always linked to a sense of belonging and a needing for approval.

Why do we, so often, behave a certain way, say certain things or whatever – unable to fully be our own authentic self – so to be loved and accepted by another? Why do we, so often, expect people to behave in a certain way, do or say certain things, so that we could accept and love them? Who are we then accepting and loving? It is truly that person, for who he or she truly is? Or is it our ideas of that person, of who he or she should be? We say this, “at the very least she/he/you can be…/ could be…/ should be…”; and the Master says, “isn’t that also, a condition?”

Can we truly love unconditionally? I see possibilities when we release our baggages/ideas that creates an illusion of someone or something out there, together with an open heart. 🙂  I am fortunate to have experience glimpses of unconditional love and here I mean strangers and things all around – the waiter who is making coffee behind the counter, the man who sweeps by the roadside, the switch plug (is this what it’s call?) on the wall, the fan spinning from the ceiling… all whom and what I do not know. I was loving them without meaning.. they were all just beautiful!! And it was a splendid, splendid feeling…  🙂

And, it’s important to highlight too – when I am pissed off with someone because he/she loves with conditions, I realise that by my imposing my unconditional love onto another; I too, had placed a condition upon him/her.

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I Don’t Know You, You Don’t Know Me

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Only ideas meet ideas and compromise on the somewhat similar qualities that seems to meet or so they think; and bundle with each other thinking or convincing that it’s the same idea to later result in conflict.

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I asked a loved one when he was profusely complaining about his student, “Do you know him?”

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I asked him this question, as to allow us (that means including me) to reflect on the times where we think that someone outside should have or shouldn’t have done or said something which automatically led to our judgments towards that someone outside.

This reminded me of times when we each could not give our best to others. The truth is, we are always into our own story and always believe that we are right.

I questioned the possibilities of the student’s experience. Was the student going through a personal problem? Was the student putting too much pressure on himself? Was the student doing this scope of assignment out of obligation?

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I pondered. And I realised that we will never really know each other, until we honestly express ourselves. We see people walking on the streets everyday, or we bump into someone that we know. Even if we were to decide to hang out together, how well do we actually know each other? I think I know you, you think you know me.. only to realise at the end of the day, conflict has somehow arisen.

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If we could strip off our own identified ideas, or stories (stories come from ideas), perhaps we could lose the perspective of being judgmental. If we were to judge another, we are merely judging ourselves. And even if it was obvious that the judged qualities were the same, it couldn’t possibly turn out to be accurate! Hence, our judgments are never valid! In that case, why judge? Oh ya.. it’s not something done on purpose, it’s just a thought that I hang on to and believe that it’s real! hah!

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Honest and truthful expressions of our own needs may lead to a possibility of closeness between two people. Sometimes when we have a certain quality, we tend to impose it on another. We’d say, “if I can do it, why can’t he/she?”. Haven’t we heard, each individual is different and unique. Even having said that, everyone’s theshold is different.

If I am willing to be honest with you about my needs, then there is a possibility of you expressing your needs to me. Together we fulfill each other’s needs in unity. Of course, in truth, no one can actually satisfy our own needs except ourselves. But then again, there is also nothing wrong in expressing them. When we allow our needs to be understood, or when we understand another’s needs, it is then possible for understanding and compassion to set in. When we express our needs, we also free our minds in a way. We let go and allow our minds to be open to possibilities.

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Anything or anyone out there is just a projection of the mind, but since we cannot understand what is it about us that is causing the projection, speaking to the ‘effect’ may give us some hints. Because the projection comes from us, there would be no way that we couldn’t understand it. Only our ignorance and sense of separation would block me from seeing the truth. What is mine to own, I take responsibility. And the result of understanding, is natural forgiveness.

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A Lovely Message from Petronas

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

This poem was published in the Star, N7, 1st January 2010. Here, I would like to share with you because of the essence of its message – the unity & oneness with all.

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Some people hate
Some people love

Some people are procrastinators
Some people act now

Some people love to point fingers
Some people love to extend their hands

Some people question every answer
Some people have an answer to every question

Some people hate to lose an argument
Some people love to win hearts

Some people want a change
Some people want to be the change

Some people are blind except to their own colour
Some people are colour blind

Some people are proud to belong to their race
Some people take pride in belonging to the human race
This New Year, it is not about who is perfect and who is not.

It is about sharing One Legacy, One Destiny, 1Malaysia.

Because to build a great nation we must all learn to see the perfections in the imperfections.

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The Culprit

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

A conversation with someone dear to me some mornings ago left me feeling really yucky. I tried hard to shake off that feeling by using positive affirmations and whatever tools that I had equipped myself. Unfortunately, it did not go away for long. The first instance of reaction (note: re-action, and not loving response) was to find a way out. Lovingly, no way out was possible without the bruising of the ego or reputation further, so I stuck with the ego, as if protecting it. But then, there was also apart of me which also questioned the resistance to enter within. 

Human being human, or could I add – the conditioned mind being the conditioned mind, I went about running errands, still trying away to sweep the yucky feeling under the carpet, hoping to keep the mind so occupied that the yucky feeling would go away. The yucky feeling stayed.. no matter how much I tried not to look at it. The harder I tried, the yuckier the feeling.. and when the yucky feeling no longer emphasized its existence in me, it projected itself in the surroundings. Everything else was just as irritating and yucky. You see, the yucky feeling never left me.

So, in the midst of my errands, I got fed-up and asked for guidance. Having asked for guidance, I knew that the next step of action was to surrender and not allow myself to get-in-the-way, as in… not to answer my own questions and to wait patiently. The ego catches up fast, hence the imitation of guidance were always surrounding, deterring and blocking the truth that prevails the situation.

It was until later that fateful afternoon… flashes of past and present experiences appeared in the mind that made me realised the yet faulty idea that still possessed the mind.

Ownership. And I thought that I was over that. But I guess, we could never be entirely over it because we had built so many layers and layers of it, around it. It’s sickening. No wonder the spiritual saying, it’s like peeling an onion…

The yucky feeling that morning (or rather half a day) had allowed me to realised how I was still owning people in my mind. Sure, consciously I may say, “oh you don’t belong to me, I don’t belong to you” but so unconsciously (because it is an idea deeply seeded into the subconscious) The mind still had an idea that I own you, or her, or him, or even, it. Amazing.. and then to realise the culprit behind all the past and present experiences going round and round in its own vicious cycles was actually, me because of my own holding on to that idea of Ownership.

To put it more correctly… it is the idea behind that had caused the repeated cycles of experiences. And the guilt is my seeing and holding others as wrong. Great Masters would remind us how innocent we are, on how these ideas were adopted innocently, unconsciously, when we did not know any better… but the ego would go on and on reminding us, how guilty we actually all are, shouting, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY YOU DON’T KNOW ANY BETTER?!?!?”

I think I’ve got one mean ego… It’s always like that!! Although I do know that I am innocent, I do not feel I am innocent. I feel like I AM the culprit, guilty of any unpleasantness that had surfaced in my hologram 🙁 .

Thank God for the gift of awareness that I was able to witness the loving mind and the unwholesome mind is debating with itself…

Jesus said… argue, argue, argue…

Buddha said… argue, argue, argue…

Hari (one of my teachers) says… argue, argue, argue…

BB (one of my teachers) said… argue, argue, argue…

Angel (my darling) said… argue, argue, argue…

blah, blah, blah… 

Sighs…How about what I say?? Now, waitaminute… I could say something?!?

Great Masters tell us, that there are gifts behind the veils. Only sometimes the veils seem so dark, so scary that it takes a lot of courage to look at it eye-to-eye.

So who is the culprit here, who had incorporated so much of these false ideas of the Self, created so much fear that it would take so much courage to look within?

All is not but the existence of the ‘I’. How attractive, yet unattractive…

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Future Experiences = Past Experiences?

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Each experience is of its own and is independent by itself. To sum up all future experiences based on a past experience is only another form of self-betrayal.

Do our future experiences equate to our past experiences?

Actually, our past experiences limit our future experiences. Try to answer this – Does a bad past experience makes you more weary of a future experience of the same thing? Likewise, does a good past experience makes you want to re-experience the same thing, but as you do, you end up feeling that each experience is actually different? Doesn’t that kinda hint that each time we do something, whether we have done it before or not; regardless of the number of times that we have done it – each occasion when we do something is always a new experience? Actually, if we could practise sponstaneity, our lives would be a brand new experience everyday. That is what it means when they say, ‘Live each day anew’ – and I can imagine that we would live our lives with joy, wonderment and awe each day! Wouldn’t that be wonderful? Well, only if we remember, that is.

And how does it term to ‘self-betrayal’? When we are limiting the coming days’ experiences with the conditionings of the past through judgments and expectations based on our past experiences, are we not; in a way or another; betraying ourselves of the possibilities and potentials of how our days could turn out to be?

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Power of Forgiveness

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

Alice forwarded me this. It touched her, so she decided to share with others. It touched me, so I am now sharing it with you…

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Dr. Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Non-violence, in his June 9 lecture at the University of Puerto Rico, shared the following story as an example of “non-violence in parenting”:

“I was 16 years old and living with my parents at the institute my grandfather had founded 18 miles outside of Durban, South Africa, in the middle of the sugar plantations. We were deep in the country and had no neighbours, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to town to visit friends or go to the movies.

One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conference, and I jumped at the chance. Since I was going to town, my mother gave me a list of groceries she needed and, since I had all day in town, my father asked me to take care of several pending chores, such as getting the car serviced. When I dropped my father off that morning, he said, ‘I will meet you here at 5:00pm, and we will go home together.”

After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double-feature that I forgot the time. It was 5:30pm before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting for me, it was almost 6:00pm.

He anxiously asked me, ‘Why were you late?’ I was so ashamed of telling him I was watching a John Wayne western movie that I said, ‘The car wasn’t ready, so I had to wait’, not realizing that he had already called the garage. When he caught me in the lie, he said: ‘There is something wrong in the way I brought you up that didn’t give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out where I went wrong with you, I’m going to walk home 18 miles and think about it.’

So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home in the dark on mostly unpaved, unlit roads. I couldn’t leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours I drove behind him, watching my father go through this agony for a stupid lie that I uttered. I decided then and there that I was never going to lie again.

I often think about that episode and wonder, if he had punished me the way we punish our children, whether I would have learned a lesson at all. I don’t think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the same thing. But this single non-violent action was so powerful that it is still as if it happened yesterday. That is the power of non-violence.”

“Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.”

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Triple Filter Test – The Secret of Sharing Information

Apr 22nd, 2010 by

In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Do you know what I just heard about your friend?” “Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything, I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

 “Triple filter?”

 “That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. That’s why I call it the Triple Filter Test.

 The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

 “No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it and…”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?” “No, on the contrary…” “So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?” “No, not really.” “Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

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