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Oct 10th, 2010 by

Last night, was a period of darkness for me after a light hearted meal with loved ones. There was much going on in the mind that it did not stop. I allowed it to run, to see how far it’d go. And soon, I was blessed with ancient feelings of betrayal and abandonment; totally imaginary, yet so so real.

When my partner did not answer to my calls after a text message from him informing that he will be hanging out with his boys; clubbing; the mind went really wild, no further cushioned by the accompanying feelings that were already present. The old ideas, imagination of being cheated on, betrayed and abandonment came so swiftly and intensely that it was not a switch of thought that could have done the trick. And soon when he finally returned my call, confirming that he was going out with his boys, consciously omitting any names of the opposite sex, he asked me how was I. I told him that I was not feeling emotionally well and after some sort of hesitation (in my perception), he explained that he would make his way home.

I did not want that. I wanted him to do what he wanted to do, to honor himself, even if it meant he would be in company of the opposite sex who could potentially whisk him away from me; but more than that, I did not want to be rescued. Rescued not in the sense that I wanted to remain in the space of being a victim, a “poor me” role; but purely as an opportunity to transcend that exact space of being cheated on, being betrayed and being abandonment. So I blessed his wish to honor himself and blessed myself for loving him.

As I sat at the car porch, looking out at the gate, there was a part of me that wished he would indeed, betray me by all the old ideas of what I thought betrayal and abandonment would be. And it is not because I wanted to leave him, or to get out of the relationship so per se as we do have a very beautiful daughter conceived out of love; but more, truthfully to see the illusion of all these ideas which had construed me to my sufferings and pain lifetimes after lifetimes. Indeed, it was like a point of insanity that I was in, calling what seems to be the prime of all nightmares in all womanhood, 100% willing to face them in full frontier.

Quietly I said a prayer, for strength and courage, which I already knew was in existence within my integrity and willingness. I asked that I am able to transcend these feelings, or more true, ideas that play out themselves over and over again in the world so that I can be free; free from bondage, free from the unreal.

And today, I feel as if I am in a daze, or rather lost. And yet again as I observed carefully, is it really me or the mind that is in the midst of disorientation? For I had taken a different course now, complementary of my previous efforts of taking responsibility, of my thirst for freedom; and if I was to live a happy dream, then let my happy dream be an example of truth, by my living the truth; by my dissolving the nightmares that never existed, amidst my awakening.

And what are behind the ideas of being cheated on, betrayed and abandonment but yet another idea of loneliness and unworthiness?

Aspire not at grasping what love is, for that is beyond what can be taught or understood. Aspire instead at eliminating the hindrance to the awareness of love’s presence, which is our very innate nature.

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What has it got to do with you?

Oct 10th, 2010 by

What has my loving you, got anything to do with my feelings of being abandoned, being betrayed?

What has my loving you, got anything to do with wanting to be with you, to kiss you, hold you, or to the extent of having you make love to me?

What has my loving you, got anything to do with having you love me too, to the extent that I must own you, that I must be the only one?

What has my loving you, got anything to do with my nurturing you, guiding you, bringing you up, having you to be the best of what I think is best for you?

What has my loving you, got to do with being married to you, giving birth to you, or having you show your love to me through your words, your actions?

What has my loving you, got anything to do with wanting approval from you, or wanting you to want approval from me?

What has my loving you, got anything to do with you having to come home to me every night, wishing me good morning, having your attention only to me, when I myself cannot promise my attention to you?

What has my loving you, got anything to do with anything at all?

Are they not only ideas of love associated with my loving you, conjured and interpreted by the world, having me believe that when I love you, we ought to live happily ever after together?

How on earth did the world come up with such correlations, when in truth, it has nothing to do with anything, nothing to do with love?

If these ideas were not of existence, then what can be made of love? What is the underlying trueness of love?

Only Love is real they say. But, what is Love? Apparently, love is untrue, but Love is bona fide. But what is the difference, when once those feelings are felt, conditionings of such manifests itself into actions in most certain ways.

And if these actions are manifested from love, why the conditions? Why the ideas?

And you see now the confusion? Love and love are not the same. Love is unconditional, while love is conditional. Love is even when you seem to be hurting me, I am still loving you for it; and love is when you seem to be hurting me, I begin to hate you for it – for love and hate are simply different sides of the same damned coin.

Is it not enough that I love you?

Is it not enough that you are well and happy, even when you don’t love me?    

And my little girl came up to me and told me, “mommi, I love you.”
And I said, “I love you too.”
And she giggles and laughs, “of course mommi, of course you love me.”

Such innocence, such purity; already knowing… and could it be true when Byron Katie says, “you love me, only that you have not realized that you do.”  

What a dream! What a nightmare! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

For perhaps, even my loving you, has nothing to with you. Because perhaps, there is not really a you, there is not really a me. Who are you anyway? And who am I?

If that is the case, then how could love exist? And if love does not exist, what the hell are we doing?!?!?

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Posted in Ideas | 1 Comment »

.

Oct 8th, 2010 by

Life is just “.”, as in a dot. There is no “,” “/”  “?” “=” “+” “-“ “(   )” “;” “:” or even “&”. Sometimes, it can come as a “!”, as in a surprise, or an experience of awe or being marveled; but really, it is just “.”.

This “.” begins and ends, on its own. There is nothing to it, no continuance, no meaning. All the “,” “/” “?” “=” “+” “-“ “(   )” or even “&” just links the “.” into a “…”, thus a story of never ending drama, only with intervals of episodes in between; much like the advertisements in the middle of showtimes. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but we lose conscious that we are the ones who created it, and at the end get scared by it. Instead of a happy dream, we end up experiencing the moments as if they were nightmares and can’t wake ourselves out of it! It is indeed, horrors of horrors!!

And this was how it started – “.” “.” “.” “.” to “.,.” “.,.” “.,.” to “.,,,.” “.,,,?!,,.” “..,?!;:,,.” to “.,?/;:!=+,/.” to “…,,,?!?/!&=,,;:?/( ),,,;!!??,+,-,,,:,,,” with no more end to it due to our hanging on, until we call for a complete stop to the storyline; and that is too, dependant on whether we remember…  

Accepting every moment as it is, the storyline ceases. The moment can be of a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a year, a century, up to the point of generations – it’s entirely up to us. But at any time that we wish, all we have to do is ask to be awaken unconditionally and slowly the journey brings us back to “.”

Just “.”

And the truth is, it is not even a “.”; it’s just

Happy dreams, blessed ones, happy dreams…

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Let’s Start from Here

Oct 7th, 2010 by

giving up, why should I
have come too far to forget
beautiful, just got lost
somewhere along the way
so much was missing when you went away

let’s start from here, lose the past
change our minds, we don′t need a finish line
let’s take this chance, don’t think too deep
all those promises we couldn′t seem to keep
I don’t care where we go
let’s start from here

standing here, face to face
a finger on your lips
don’t say a word, don’t make a sound
silence around us now
even when you were gone, I felt you everywhere

let’ start from here, lose the past
change our minds, we don′t need a finish line
let’s take this chance, don’t think too deep
of all those promises we couldn′t seem to keep
I don’t care where we go
let’s start from here
let’s start from here

I’ve never been the one to open up
but you’ve always been the voice within
the only one for my cold heart
let’s start from here, lose the past
change our minds, we don’t need a finish line
let’s take this chance, don’t think too deep
of all those promises

start from here, lose the past
change our minds, we don’t need a finish line
let’s take this chance, don’t think too deep
and all those promises we couldn’t seem to keep
I don’t care where we go
let’s start from here
let’s start from here
let’s start from here
let’s start from here

~ sung by Joanna Wang ~

This song was introduced to me by two of my dearest friends 2 years ago in the midst of a crisis I was going through. Its meaning then to me, was not to give up and to start all over again. 2 years today, after embarking on the inner journey, this song found its way to my ears once again and a deeper meaning was revealed to me. 

It is not about starting all over again. To start all over again, is to be re-do, repeat and to correct what was previously not right.

It is about starting now, and here, at this very point. There is no continuance from the past and there is no future to tread forward to. Yet, many swing between the past and future resulting in painful arguments and hurtful disagreements; often forgetting what is right in front of them, what is here and now; myself included – brewing a past which is long gone, or imagining a future which has yet to come, or more true does not even exit. Anger builds and ends with resentment making the underlying love unable to blossom, the foundation of a relationship then stumbles with instability. And we ask ourselves, what is wrong with our relationship with another?

Having said that, although this song seems to imply of lovers in a relationship, I am extending it any kind of relationships, everything and anything that is encompassing.

A cue which I wish to share with those who love, and are loved ~ it is here & now.

Enjoy… Let’s Start from Here by Joanna Wang

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The Lover & the Beloved

Oct 6th, 2010 by

The Bhagavad Gita tells us that Brahman (God) caused the illusion of separateness. Krishna says, “Divine, indeed, is this My illusion and hard to go beyond” (Chapter VII, verse 14). If the illusion is caused by the One, what is its purpose? The avatar Sathya Sai Baba describes our origin and the need for the illusion in this way: “In the beginningless beginning God was one and the thought arose in Him, ‘I am one; let Me become many’” (1990, p.74). Sai Baba elaborates: “I separated Myself from Myself so that I may love Myself. My beloved ones, you are My Own Self’ (1998b, p.131). Sai Baba declares that the reason for the illusion of the many is so that the One can love itself. Loving requires two: the Lover and the Beloved. If there were no illusion of being separate selves, the One could not love itself because if we were aware of being the One, there would be no other one to love. When we love one another, the One loves itself for we are the One. This is why all religions emphasize love.

… Our deepest need is to love and be loved. This is a reflection of the One separating itself from itself so that it may love itself.

~ excerpts from Purifying the Heart, John Goldthwait, Ph.D ~

And that is why, we love. It is safe to say that at most probable moments, it is the idea of the person that we are attached to that we love, instead of the person him/herself; yet, excluding that idea, a sort of feeling continues to linger on. This probed me to ponder and inquire further which led to this new insight.

We love, and yes so unconditionally – and this is the Truth. Yet, when ideas and perceptions which we proclaim as ideal creates the illusion of conditionality in love, this misapprehension hovers what may be in truth, of unconditional love; and turn its reality into an idea of love which has its attention outwards to the object, the form; rather than the essence of the form of which where the essence is. The essence itself is innate, of true nature. Something (really, not a thing at all) that is not perishable, need not be replenished; already whole and complete as it is.

I remember conducting a session with participants, having them list down qualities of what they would deem to be their perfect or ideal lover or beloved. Qualities they listed down were many – handsome, rich, caring, wise, responsible, good in bed and etc… and yet, when I questioned them as I strike off one by one of the qualities they had mentioned, if they would and could still love this ‘so-called’ ideal lover or beloved, one of the participants honestly and authentically answered, “less, but I can try”. By the time I strike off the last quality on the board, it dawned upon many of us during that session that perhaps then there would be no more love. And that would result in seeking yet another lover and beloved since the present form does not possess the perceived qualities to be the perfect lover and beloved.

Another participant amongst the group twisted her face, as if her expression of some disagreement of some sort. I could relate to that because she had experienced her ideal perception of her lover and her beloved (being the same person, mind you) being stripped off and yet found within her, immense love for him. And I asked her, “if your lover is to come to tell you that he is leaving you for another woman, what would become of you?” Without much hesitation, the wise participant answered, “I will let him go if that is what causes his happiness; and I will still love him. If I am miserable, that is my problem and I will take responsibility for it.” Of course, having said that, the words “I will” sounds more like a choice. In truth, there is no choice – when you are love, you just love.

It is innate in us to wish for love and happiness for our lover and our beloved. Yet, what keeps us miserable is not because love has left us, but merely ideas hovering around the perceived object or form where, if one is able to identify the blocks to it, love remains and peace is regained. So while we may be attached or in love with the ideas of what we perceive our lover or beloved to be, it is too, possible that beneath those ideas – is our unconditional love for the lover and the beloved. And what I mean to say here in the word ‘possible’ is that not all relationships are based on such foundation.

No wonder the saying in love stories “I am waiting for the one”, which is to mean the One, which is you, me, him, and her – without the illusionary ideas camouflaging love’s true presence.

And my wise partner asked one of our common teachers “isn’t that attachment?” Our wise teacher revealed, “G is unconditional love, but the outer layer where G as your wife is the attachment.” And I am trusting what he meant by the outer layer, are the ideas we have of our lover and beloved, which are merely figments of our imaginations. Taking away the concepts and labels of the conditioned mind, where ingrained ideas have been deeply seated; therein lay the unconditional love which is of our innate nature. No wonder of such allowance and freedom with much blessings from my partner in my own growth and vice versa despite the difference in the path we trod. It is only moments where irritations starts to surface that it is indeed just a call to look within, the concepts and ideas to be released and forgiven. For the concepts and ideas are not real, only what is within as essence is what is true.

Realizing this I start to ponder if it is possible to have many lovers and beloveds. As I experience an expansion of love, encompassing many – I cannot vouch that it is not possible. Still, there seems to be preference in choice, of one that comes from wisdom or ignorance. No wonder at any point in time, ‘temptation’ can start to allow one to fall ‘prey’ if birthing from the space of lack and malicious desire. And J would put it as ‘unconscious guilt’, and B would explain it as ‘defilement’. While there is many yet there is only One. As one draws itself nearer to the Source as the likes attract the likes; no longer will the lover and the beloved unite from the space of guilt or defilement – but simply for the Lover and the Beloved to come as one as an expression of Love, of the true innate nature.

To express Love for the One – for the One to experience loving as the Lover, and to be loved as the Beloved.

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Posted in Going Inwards, Ideas | 1 Comment »

Limiting Bondage

Oct 6th, 2010 by

In some of my recent experiences with several loved ones, I began to observe that we tend to constraint ourselves with conditions by imposing them (the conditions) on our loved ones. Being willful of constant conscious intention to break free from bondage, it can be quite an interesting encounter to witness others including myself in it.

An appropriate example would be a parent who has specific ideas of how his or her child should live his or her own life. Never mind the saying that parents only want the best for their child, but what is the best for a child, or more specifically for anybody as a matter of fact? I came across a storyline where a son wishes to leave his family business to pursue his own interests to end up with a threat that if he was to leave the business, he is cast out from the family. Yes, an undeniable extreme case and yet this occurs in many families. And his son is stuck, having to choose between his right hand and his left hand, to which he would retain and save, or would he have to give up. It can be a very devastating experience for one who is faced with such situation where if he was to honor himself, he has to be faced with the consequences of being cut off from his source of support and love, i.e. family in this case. And to experience being in such corollary, is to only further prove that he is not loved at all by his family.

In a recent entry of mine, Ideas on top of Ideas, I saw how much relevance ideas have to do with such a situation – ideas held on so tightly by each individual. In fact, ideas have everything to do with everything! A wavering soul, ungrounded and unsure of his own essence is so easily swayed to dishonor himself and yet another wavering soul, also ungrounded and unsure of his own essence, hides behind a strong façade so to have the other bow down to his ideas which serves no one – not even to the one whose idea is being held strongly of. And the patterns rerun themselves again and again through generations and generations, unconsciously. As much as one who consciously tries not to follow the footsteps of his forefathers, as long as there is no insight to the running patterns, it can be 100% predicted that the pattern will run in him once again, forwarding the burden only to his next generation.

How horrifying to live such a life! And yet, what is there but only my own idea of freedom and integrity. Yet these ideas of freedom, integrity and honoring thyself are those of what would and can set a person free. I for one will be able to recall the memories of such fears having to walk through a lane of burning fire with broken glasses; still with much courage can one be blessed with its own rightfulness and entitlement to live one’s life with much liberty, love and inspiration.

Blessed are those who daringly walk on the spikes, hurt and healed, and blessed are those who finally see though the meaninglessness of such binding ideas which limit their well being.

All it takes is the audacity to pace through the fire, and in the midst where the heat may burn, will what is left – the essence yet which is unbreakable by truth.

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Inner Responsibility + Honesty + Authenticity + Expression

Oct 5th, 2010 by

As the boy and the girl approached to the entrance to her home,
she waited with anticipation.
*
He asked, “do you want me to give you a kiss?”
*
Stunt by such a question,
she looked down and blurted, “the moment is gone”
*
She, still waiting for the opportune;
he said, “ok, good bye” and walked away.
*
She turned her keys at the knob,
a little dishearten.
*
What happened there? She questioned herself.
What exactly happened back there?
*
A moment built up so intensely for that instance,
and *poof!* disappeared by a mere question.
*
And that night, they spoke once again;
only this time with such sadness.
*
He had expressed of rejection,
and yet that was not of what she perceived.
*
Perhaps it was an idea that she held on to,
that such a moment need not be asked.
*
Or perhaps it was another idea that she had detained,
that she was only offered a favor she wishfully wanted.
*
Yet clearly by his simple question – he must not have wanted it.
*
So she felt rejected too, small to some certain point.
*
Believing thoroughly that someone would only kiss her out of charity,
and never out of love.
*
Still, did he love her?
*
Why would he when love’s presence is not needed,
to necessitate a kiss?
*
And so she sulked a little throughout the night,
until she saw her errs.
*
And it was not that the moment was gone,
nor was it because he didn’t want to kiss her.
*
It was her perception of that question asked,
that he was unwilling to take responsibility for the action.
*
And what is there responsibility in a kiss,
but an expression of appreciation of one’s affections for another?
*
Yet, it was not him that was unwilling to be responsible,
but she too was unwilling to be fully responsible.
*
As the kiss may mean too much now, especially in the eyes of the beholder
– yet, isn’t a kiss just a kiss? Now just a face of love?
*
So in that honesty they both spoke their piece,
each authentically expressing their truth.
*
And in that space of integrity,
both had come to peace.
*
Peace not with each other,
but peace within themselves.
*
And in that vastness of surrendering,
both had moved closer.

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Posted in Poems | 2 Comments »

Ideas on top of Ideas

Oct 4th, 2010 by

We are so afraid that we will lose our loved ones, or all that is important or valuable to us now. But the truth is this, whoever our loved ones, whatever our assets do not belong to us. Yes, it may seem to be under our care, our guidance but it was never meant for us to hold on to, or to be attached to. When I say that it was never meant to be that way, I am simply implying that it is an illusion to even believe in such.

The attachment to people or things are merely reflecting a holding on to certain ideas of yet other certain ideas to the meaning of the people or things that we think we possess. Simply, just symbols. Yet when we like those ideas of what we have on a particular person or material, we tend to hang on to that person or material totally ignoring the truth behind it. Not that it is of any malicious or horrible sin, and sin itself is not to mean it is of any wrong – but simply defined as missing the mark. Only in missing the mark, our sufferings multiply as we draw ourselves deeper and deeper into the illusion that this person or this thing could ever be taken away from us! And in that fear of losing, we tighten our grip even stronger, totally injuring only ourselves and no other. Again, nothing wrong with sufferings; as long as you enjoy it!

And it is interesting to observe, what this idea of attachment to another idea can do to one person to the point of self sabotage of one’s own peace of mind. It is as if the delusion as it is, is not enough that it needs to develop further and further to the point of alteration where the source is totally way off its tangent – mutated beyond recognition, as I recall one of my teacher’s blog entries. And it takes much more effort for layers to be peeled, to be undone; to finally arrive at the destination of recognition and acknowledgement.

It is astonishing to discover that to keep someone or something; we go all the way out to retain it – doing this, doing that, learning this, learning that; just to seek approval, just for it to remain. And yet, the harder we try, the further it is away from us – whether a person or a thing. I remember this guy’s excitement when he bought his partner a new car. He was so ‘in love’ with the car that he paid so much attention to it to the point it was a problem for him on how his partner opened the car door, or how she drove the car and etc. As much as it became a little stressful for her to drive the car in his presence, there came this day where he was the one who drove into a deep pot hole instead (thank God nothing happened to the car! Phew!). He was embarrassed, angry, stressed and etc. Clearly, he had a certain idea of the car, and also another certain idea of himself if he were to own or drive the car, and since he likes the idea of himself owning the car; a meaning which is illusionary and delusive on its own; he ends up with another idea of attachment to the idea of how the car would make him feel with the idea of the car which he already has. Goodness gracious, ideas on top of ideas! How many layers more to go!!

It indeed sounds scary just imagining the amount of work to do, opps… to undo I mean. So it is never really the person, or the item that we are attached to, and that is exactly what I meant to say earlier that it is not meant to be this way – because, it cannot be at all. It is a deception!

And to be able to recognize that it is the ideas that we are being attached to, is to begin paying attention to our inner world – the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the desires – what they all speak of us, what do they tell of us – and in that space of honesty and integrity, will the mind’s imagination in horrors of horrors come to an end, where it begun in the first place; and in the instance of closure, will Truth emerge its head.

Protect all things you value by the act of giving them away, and you are sure that you will never lose them. What you thought you did not have is thereby proven yours. Yet value not its form. For this will change and grow unrecognizable in time, however much you try to keep it safe. No form endures. It is the thought behind the form of things that lives unchangeable.

– A Course in Miracles, Lesson 187

*Note: – and it doesn’t mean that it is necessary that we give the person or the item away either, it is only the meaning and perception that we are asked to give up, for our own peace of mind, for the love of Truth; and herein lies our freedom.

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Sheer Honesty to Love

Sep 27th, 2010 by

It is much easier to believe that you don’t love me or that you will leave me, than to address to why I am still holding on to you when I don’t love you. And to say I don’t love you is also not true, because there is a part of it that feels like it. I have to use the word ‘love’ you see, for the feelings, words and actions experienced are described as such, and that is my idea which has been living with me for so long. Yet deep inside me I know it is not really what it seems to be. But I hang on to you anyway, because of the feeling that I love you, so I conclude it has to be love! But soon you will see I will start accusing you that you don’t love me again, or say that you will leave me despite how much you have expressed or shown me how true your love is for me.  And I will scheme against you, just to make sure that you prove to me that you really do not love me and have always wanted to leave me. I know this sounds absurd but it is just easier to put the blame on you, then to fully address what is in me. I don’t really care what you think. I just need my needs fulfilled.

When I begin to be honest with myself and see what is within me, I will begin to realize that the love I have for you is there but not pure. If love is not pure, then is it still love? If it has qualities; albeit subtle; of manipulation, wherein lies the love that I know cannot be abhorred? I can argue with the world how love is defined by a description of certain feelings, certain actions or certain qualities which I experience with you just to prove that I do love you, yet at the same time collect solid evidence how you are the one who don’t love me, and how you have betrayed me. But no matter how much I say or do or try to make you wrong, I can never run away from myself – for I know that the issue here is not about you not loving me, but me not loving me; because there has never been a you, and I never needed you.

Do I love myself enough to hold on to you to fulfill a malicious need in me, even if it means that at times I will have to dishonor myself in doing things I do not wish? Or do I love myself enough to let you go, and start to seek for another to fill in the void? But where would I be, but back at the doldrums of the pit – back at where the shit begin, where the shit lay? And round and round I will go in cycles, because I am seeking for something, and yet not knowing where to find it, so I become like a shameless whore, a beaten victim, unloved and unworthy of anything or anyone that comes along the way.

I may drown myself in sorrows, dramatizing how cruel the world is and how I have been used. Hasn’t it been the same when I had held on to you just so I could make use of you? Why is it that it is easier to make you the wrong, when in truth, I am the ultimate director of this whole storyline? Not only am I the director, but the scriptwriter and too, the actress. Honesty without veracity – how I am still left with nothing more.

If I am unable to love myself, how could I ever love you – for I will then sell myself short, and hate you for what I would have myself do unto me. That is not Love, though it will look like it – what selfless sacrifice, they would all say! That is just love which is illusionary and unreal, manipulative and suffocating.

A teacher once told me that all relationships are illusionary, and soon I cannot help but to agree. If there is to be a relationship born out of Love, then wouldn’t it entail a sense of freedom, which is purposeless save for the Lover and the Beloved expressing Love for themselves through one another? Yet as paradoxical as it is, the innate Love that I am makes my love for you so sensuously delightful even without you having to do anything. So where is Love coming from, except from within me?

I will need sheer honesty with myself from the space of integrity in order to come clean with myself and you. It is until I begin this that there’d be an absolute chance that our love would dissolve and thus emerged Love.

In that Love are two melted – infused and defused, whole yet transparent.

In that Love – two become one, and one becomes just …

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Posted in Going Inwards | 6 Comments »

God, Mundanely

Sep 18th, 2010 by

So here I am, was. Why am, because I am, still; why was, because I was, then.

I haven’t been writing these days. Not that there was or is no realizations, or information blessed into the abyss of my mind, just that I felt not any need to write, as if contented just for it to stay within me, rather than expressing it out. I used to write whenever it came, never forgoing a chance just in case I’d forget and it did come to a point in time where if I didn’t write, I’d have a big headache. “Therein lays your fear of forgetting!” said one of my teachers. And then so naturally I began to let go.

Since my guardian angel has gone back to her hometown for more than 3 weeks now, I’d been playing the game of being a housewife. Cleaning, scrubbing, ironing, washing – they didn’t seemed hard, yet in the midst of enjoying these activities, I did begin to wonder how mundane the idea of such activities compared to the once upon a time idea of that I must have a more noble purpose in life – and whatever it was and is, surely a much greater purpose than just a contented housewife! I felt that I was not more spiritual than anybody who was not already on their journey. I was just like a mediocre, more real – a human.

The truth was and is that, I did feel pleased, and truly appreciated the experiences of cleaning the house, mending the dogs and my little girl personally. My hands had never touched so much water ever since I moved into this fortress, and yet, 3 weeks now from the time that she had gone home, my hands are still nice to touch by my standards. And I recall the little rainbows created right before my eyes when the sunlight reflects upon the water that gushes out from the pipe that quenches the thirst of my trees, plants and grass when I water my garden. So, so beautiful… And as mundane and routine as the activity can be, each movement, sight, smell and everything that came into the experience was as spiritual as it can be under the separated judgmental context of ‘being spiritual’.

“What is the difference?” my teacher jokingly asked me when I told him how human I felt, and how I agree with him that when staying present to each experience happening in the Now, it is as Godly as it gets, and God is experienced everywhere in it; within and without.

Am I done? Oh no, not yet… and how would I know? When I am triggered of something that I do still perceive not of God, of what reality is. But, what is God? Is it really reality? As it is? Many have tried to interpret it, yet no words or description can ever define what or who is God. Still, we seem to know of something mystical of this ‘thing’ called God – it touches and kisses the heart so fondly and sweetly.

There is no one time that I am what I think I am, although I seem to be doing a function or playing a role that the society has labeled, nor am I not what I think I am not of which I do not fulfill a purpose which the society has tagged. I am only what He has created me, only as Him, for Him – whatever that of what He is.

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