Feed on
Posts
Comments

Illusionary Relationships

Feb 5th, 2011 by

Is there a difference between him going off to play golf or him going off for a date with another woman? Is it any of my business at all when what he does is simply bringing himself to a state of joy, or growth in his own journey? What part can I play except to bless him sincerely for his making of his own path? And how different can any activity be which he partakes have anything to do with me, except my own levels of limitation to accept what I think of myself at that moment?

It becomes more tolerable if he leaves to play golf with a friend, preferably a male friend. Whether I get irritated or not, it tells me less of what I would believe of myself compared to if he had left for a date with another woman. The thing is, if I truly loved this person, would it not be natural for me to wish him happiness? So why is it any of my business whom he goes out with, whom he stays or whom he is in love with?

Isn’t it strange that he becomes a must-have within my vicinity of my sight or at least knowing, in order for me to be happy and secure? I may argue that it is because I love myself hence the purposeful deed to ‘keep’ him therefore finding all ways to please him, make him happy, take care of him so that I will always remain his best choice. But if I knew that I was doing all that just to keep him, so for me to be happy, what is it telling of me? Can these things done, without a purpose? Without a purpose, why even the need to do?

Whether I play the role of a prosecutor or a victim, resenting him of how he shouldn’t have done what he did to me; would I have already condemned him? And I may take on a different role of generosity or an understanding person saying, “I love you honey and it is because I love you, you can go… Don’t worry about me, I will be alright as long as you are happy.” While this statement sounds so loving, wise and understanding, this statement in a very subtle sense carries a malicious intent to manipulate and infuse guilt onto another hence making the other stay or leave the relationship with guilt in his mind. Is this how I treat a person that I claim to love?

I remember listening to a monk’s talk once. He said that if someone that we love tells us that he has fallen in love with another person, we would be so happy for that person and even help him pack his bags. And if his falling in love with another, hence resulting in his decision in ‘leaving’ me makes me feel bad, then I’d know by then, that I never really loved this person. I only needed this person to validate me, to confirm a certain belief about myself. Well, not that I don’t love him, just that this love which I’d like to think is love, is tainted with concepts, beliefs and it is never about him, but all about me.

All relationships are illusionary. Just because two people stay together, sign a piece of paper, make a little love, then it is perceived that there is a relationship and it shuns everybody out. A piece of paper is just a piece of paper. You can keep it and you can tear it. Isn’t it strange how a piece of paper could bind the mind, making one think that it is now a ‘someone’ with ‘duties’ to ‘perform’? Not that there are no duties or anything to do, but why not infuse authenticity and creativity into it, rather than following the mass crowd without questioning?

I was chatting with a beloved aunty-in-law who lives separately with her husband who is in another country, living his dreams. No one could ever understand why the both of them could do that. They only meet a couple of times a year. It is like the first thing that creeps up in others’ mind is that… geez… that gives him a whole lot of freedom to cheat behind your back, doesn’t it?

Who is free to cheat behind anyone’s back if he or she is living his or her dream, being self sufficient in their own skin? Lest we are seeking for something to fulfil a need or a lack in us.

Indeed a silly game of hide and seek and I keep looking onto another for reasons I am unsure myself. Until I come to terms with what is in me that puts me in a position where I am needing others to be in a so-called relationship with me, or even to maintain such a relationship, I am still running away from myself and will not be able to rise up to the level of self actualisation.

A relationship or not, why the matter? Where is the relationship except all happening in the mind?

Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards, Ideas | 4 Comments »

Approval from the Form or Formless

Feb 5th, 2011 by

Seeking approval can be like an addiction. When we can’t get it from someone, we move on to the next and to the next and to the next. A wise teacher will know when to drop you – high and dry, and that period is much like experiencing a withdrawal symptom – lost and jittery; yet unable to get anything out of the trusted knowing it jeopardizes the transcending of the addiction.

It can come in a gross sense, and eventually skilled to the point that the mannerism in asking is so subtle that the person who is asked of a question is not even aware that it is his or her approval that is being asked save and unless he has surpassed his own addiction of approval seeking in every minute sense. Nothing can escape one who has experienced and transcended an addiction, or any life lessons in fact. And it helps a lot, even when inquiry and integrity is being put to practice even in the minutest of experience, as if not wanting to let go of those residuals left in the mind.

As skilful as the mind is, the equivalent if not more skilful practice that has to be tended. I love it how every little thing is being put on the pedestal as if it is a corpse to be dissected. Others think that it is crazy and madness to even question such trivial matters but I’d say that it is these trivial matters where the hidden treasures are… for they are accumulated, cultivated and then culminated. That is why, sometimes when a person suddenly blows his or her top off over a small matter, you can be sure that it is not that one particular incident that has caused that outburst, but a built up of several incidents or similar or related causes that has resulted in such conditionings.

Watching this pattern of going from one source to another seeking for the approval needed to go forth with something dear to the heart is interesting. It is as if, it is insufficient that the heart says, “do it!” and it simply lacks the confidence to proceed with what one wishes to do. The need for perfection, for blessings or whatever reasons that is given to feed this pattern of seeking approval all comes hand in hand as if to tie in partnership that one without the other just won’t work! So then we bring in God, or the Divine to make them the scapegoat. “I trust” she says, failing to recognise that it is still an excuse to push something away from her vicinity to be accountable for.

Trusting is not in deciding to do or not to do as the decision lies in the beholder. It is a choice. Trusting is in the already doing, the performance of the act that she is ready to take accountable for and believing that any outcome that results from the doing or performing is for the highest good. But if she doesn’t get that, she will go on seeking approval from the form if not the formless and then blame on either when the outcome turns out to be totally unexpected. No wonder there are people who blame ‘God’. As if there is any difference.

Approval is out of the question when one is clear of what she wishes to do. There are no conflicting wishes, as this is only possible in a state of confusion and being unsure. If unsure, what is there to do, but yet there is a surety this is the way to go. Then what is stopping the surety but the unsure and what is the unsure that is stopping the surety? If only she questions, she will soon realise there is nothing to answer to. All are parts and puzzles of nature, of what needs to be undone, even the approval seeking hence arriving at a space of clarity – where approval is no longer needed, or more truthfully seen as bogus; whether from the form or formless.

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Attitudes, Going Inwards | No Comments »

Clear & Unclear Mind

Feb 4th, 2011 by

When the mind is clear, it knows what to do, even during the times when nothing needs to be done. It can sit there and stare into space, or get the butt moving and start to wash the dishes, or even to pick up the dry leaves on the grass. It can go to the market, picking out green leaves for dinner, or even go to the store to look out for decorative items to beautify the home and it can be doing or not doing anything – it is clear, still and peaceful.

But what sets it from being clear, even in the midst of performing all these duties is when it is confused. It is confused with all the meanings being put into the act – the reasons, the seasons, the obligations, the duties. It does not stop one moment, until it remembers to ask – why. And that why brings it back to its balance, provided the conditioning permits, provided there was prior groundwork, provided there is a deep desire of returning home to its balance. In that balance, all is well, even when the feet are swarmed with dirt, the head is filled with sweat, even when dust is everywhere, it smiles… reflecting the state of mind, its state of acceptance, of accepting what is.

It does not argue within itself how conflicting ideas are, it does not debate how meaningful or meaningless the task or whatever that arises is – it understands, all are conditionings – even when it says yes, even when it says no. It does not see the righteousness, it does not see the wrongness, it does not perceive what is evil and cannot even recognise what is pure. For to recognise either, is to imply there is another; and there is no other, when it is clear, balanced and still. All is good, not as the opposite of bad, but in the goodness that encompasses all.  

Where are the shoulds and the should nots? Where are the rights and the wrongs? They are all in the mind, all in a confused and bewildered mind. Perplexed not because of anything else but only caught in a web of disorder, failing to recognise that everything is already in place and that there is nothing to do, or nothing not to do.

Yet this state cannot be mimicked, or even thrived towards except to mould conditions towards it, as in to start its pathway towards it. There is no good will, or ill will but only one, which does not seem to have a preference. How ironic yet true. What needs or needs not be done will be done and not done – and what comes after that is dependent on the state of a clear or unclear mind.

Nothing right or wrong about either if the watching is just watching. If the watching becomes the experience, then it is no longer watching, but experiencing. If the experiencing is prolonged, forgotten that it is just a dream, then it has fallen asleep until the next moment of awakening.

Anything wrong with sleeping? Nothing, nothing at all. Happy dream, scary dream, angry dream, sad dream… all no difference but only a dream. Only when asleep, the dream is just so darn real!

So when mind is clear, no problem in experiencing a clear experience. When mind is unclear, it is also a clear experiencing of an unclear experience. No problem either or, only thing is – are you aware at all?

Tags: , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | 1 Comment »

Beautiful

Feb 2nd, 2011 by

The other day, a beloved expressed something to me spontaneously. It was something that was so sweet and beautiful to the ears that each time I am being brought back to the memory of that moment, it brings a smile to my face. Yet, it is not an acknowledgement of what I think of myself that has brought the smile to my face, but an appreciation for what had happened in the beloved’s space that has brought a sense of sweetness to the heart.

I could very well acknowledge the expression as a reflection, which might as well be true too. But I already know who I am, so to speak, so to receive an expression like that, without having to scheme or manipulate the situation in order to hear what I wanted to hear was pleasing and delicious since never before had I experience hearing such expressions coming from a beloved so spontaneously, without expectations.

But what is more true is this – that what the beloved had expressed was from the beloved’s space, the beloved’s perception of what was arising in that moment. And my appreciation was not entirely for what I heard, or what came out from the beloved – but appreciation for the beloved’s appreciation of the beloved’s perception which seems to have me in it. As much as it looked like it had something to do with me, but in truth, it had nothing to do with me; for it was the beloved’s perception that has beauty in it, and I am merely a sweet witness to it or to put it in another way, an object met by a mind which has beauty as its state at that point in time.

Beauty is indeed in the eyes of the beholder. When we are blessed with lens of beauty, everything we see has beauty in it. The mind may interpret to why there is such beauty, but in truth, there is no reason. It is what it is. The distorted teeth, the sweat on the forehead, the torn shirt one is wearing, even the beggar on the street. All are beautiful; all is beauty when the lens of beauty is in place hence the projection of such. So we can imagine if we had any other lens in place at that point in time, that would exactly be projected out, hence creating our experiences of an outer reality which is only true to the mind.

Expressions are beautiful. They tell us of our mental states, or what is in the mind. It can be in form of words, or a hug, or merely just a stance of stillness just watching. There’s beauty in everything it sees, it hears, it touches, it speaks. Nothing is being left out. Even the stools on the grass, the raindrops on the leaves. Such loveliness and splendour – all encompassing. Still, all is only happening in the mind. There is nothing outside that causes it. It is the state of mind, which has beauty in it that allows such experience manifesting as expressions.

Now, I am not undermining the beloved’s expression. I loved the experience and being able to be a bare witness to it. It is a blessing as the beloved was experiencing a happy dream! But to see the beloved’s expressions directing at me, gratifying the belief that someone else out there thinks of me in such a way if I liked what I hear and wanted to hear it again is to maintain my poise – a certain composure so that I might hear that once again. That would have me set a limitation to myself, of how I should act or behave a certain way, or say certain things just to have that experience of being expressed the same thing over and over again. This will set me back to the path of addiction, of wanting more of what I had experienced, for it will remind me how very ‘special’ I am, how very ‘loved’ and ‘beautiful’ I am, relying on another to accomplish what I had not come to terms with within myself – if I had not come to terms with myself, that is.

Such beauty can turn defiled at any one time, without the sight of Wisdom. Yet with the charming gift of Wisdom, is the beauty appreciated once more, in innocence, in Truth and unity.

Perception is a mirror, not a fact. And what I look on is my state of mind, reflected outward. – A Course in Miracles

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Ideas | 2 Comments »

Gardening

Feb 2nd, 2011 by

Gardening is very much like one’s spiritual journey.

Today, I was blessed with the mood to look consciously at my garden and the plants that surround it. Automatically, I noticed some leaves which needed a trim, some stems that needed to be cut off and some leaves that needed to be swept. Because the weather was welcoming, as in cooling, else I would have given myself another reason to procrastinate the act that the weather is just too hot, I picked up the cutter (I am not sure if there is a special name for this device – the one we use to cut plants with) and started trimming the leaves which were dead, dried or were drying.

So there was this particular plant, where two of its stems looked as if it was turning light green colour, instead of its usual dark bright green colour. Oblivious to whether it was normal or not, I just trimmed the leaves of the light green coloured stems which were ‘dead’ as in yellow. My wise partner came up to me and told me, “honey, cut the whole stem.” With that, he took the cutter from my hand and demonstrated how I could cut the stem right at the bottom of its root just above the earth and pulled out the stem. “There,” he said, handing me the stem and the cutter, “it will grow anew again” and my mind continued in his sentence, “in freshness”.

My dad told me once too, that there was no need to worry about cutting the stem which was turning yellow or was dying as it will grow new roots. Those were just information to me and due to my lack of interest and awareness to how the nature of plants work, I never really bothered and allowed the leaves to be; whether they lived or died, green or blue – because someone else was always around clean up the mess. Or so I thought.

And it reflects back on how the mind is of such nature. The growing of an idea, to its maturity and it withers and die to a somewhat ugly sight. Except that in the case of the mind, the idea doesn’t drop off and die completely though we experience death through it – as in, we become dead, oblivious and unaware. When my partner cut off the root, it was clear that ideas that did not serve the mind had to be uprooted so for new, useful ideas to grow or more so in a clearer and more creative perspective. New ideas that are suited to the moment, to the now. Not the old which were conditioned and moulded in the past due to its past experiences or learning much in the case of the plant growing to its full potential based on the weather experienced in the past few weeks. It may have been hot and sunny a few weeks ago, but it sure is rainy and gloomy these few days. Each of what the plant experiences will exactly determine its growth.

To trim off the little of the leaves of a dying stem, is to do that little work on the mind, and if you are into gardening, you will notice that a shape does start to take place. It does not grow wildly anymore but is within control albeit still within its own nature. And when the stem becomes useless, it is taken away, as in cut off, so that a new root or stem can grow. One that brings freshness to the environment or, at least to my garden.

So this reminds me of something that one of my teachers shared with me some time ago. Rules are only needed for a time being and after that, they are dropped. Such as beliefs, ideas, whatever that is needed for that moment, to cater for a specific condition, situation or learning. To hang on to such beliefs is to limit our own growth and creativity. But isn’t it strange that these beliefs are the ones which brought us thus far?

So I do not know if I will continue the activity of gardening. But I do know that it is not the act of beautifying an outer garden that is important. It is the purifying process of the garden within that is utmost significant – for it is all of life itself.

With a wild forest within, how scenic can the world be?

Tags: , , , , ,

Posted in Attitudes, Going Inwards, Ideas | No Comments »

Spiritual Companionship

Feb 1st, 2011 by

This term ‘spiritual companionship’ came into the awareness today. And I sat with it for a while. I wondered what it meant, what it truly meant. It sounds as if, there is someone there, who could be of a companion of some sort in the journey, as in one person, like a soul mate or a twin flame; like a partner – someone to walk the journey with together so that it is not so ‘lonely’.

Anyone who has been long enough in the journey would know by now how alone this journey can be. While many think that they are on the same boat, or wrapped in some morphic or auric field, strangely how I see it seems otherwise. Although I do not deny the possibilities of that, but what seems to will one’s faith or strength in the journey; at least, in my own experience; is not a person, or a group, although that can be an initial cause. After a while, all that has been mentioned have to be stripped away and the person is left alone in the pathless path.

Yes, there are friends, partners or even a spiritual family. When I looked deeper into all these, it was more of a sense of belonging, or at times, some kind of comfort accompanying that I am not alone. But that comfort itself is an illusion, for it serves as some form of floor that holds up the focus to continue the somewhat difficult journey. While many think that we are all in the same boat, I’d say that we are each on our own boat but heading the same way.

So I was told, that the Buddha said that good friends on a spiritual journey are important. Of course they are. In my own experience of good friends on a spiritual journey is that no story is taken personally and what I mean to say is that when what is meant to be learnt is learnt, the storyline ceases and resentment does not hold, save and unless still in an unconscious state. A friend was constantly expressing how comfortable she felt being in our company because we are conscious and we do not judge. What she does not know is that judgement is not our doing and is happening all the time – it is only whether we buy into it, or question it to bring the mind back to its balance. Judgement of any sorts, have never been directed outwards, although it seems like it. It always comes back to defining self, the very qualities that we like or dislike about ourselves.

My spiritual companion, and the one and only spiritual companion is my Beloved – the Holy Spirit, or rightfully put in A Course in Miracles, the Voice of God. The other day, whilst in a conversation with my partner, he expressed that I no longer love him. It was strange… my being in love with the Holy Spirit allowed me to love him wholly, without having to put him or me into the prison. Having said that, I cannot deny that there are still residual concepts but it is being slowly, gradually and with surety, being wiped away by the Holy Spirit. Perhaps, what my partner meant was that I no longer loved him with the conditions that I used to anymore.

The Holy Spirit is not a person, or a character but an inner voice. An inner voice that constantly clears the way by showing me what I had misperceived as truth. I am a lover of Truth, even though it may mean that what I thought was right, was indeed wrong and the consequences may at times lead to occasional embarrassment and resent towards self. Yet, as gentle as nature, He shows me again… the innocence that resides in all.

This reminds me of a time when I asked one of my teachers this question. I asked him, since so many went to him, and he provided support and teachings to all, who does he go to in time of his own need? Although he did not give me a direct answer, he shared with me a story of a student who once asked his teacher of the same. The teacher told his student, that during times of his own needs for clarity, it is the Dharma that he turns to. That to me, must have been his spiritual companion. Much like my teacher. Much like myself, right now; though the Holy Spirit can at times turn up through a form. J

Of course, I am not implying that we no longer need teachers, friends, partners or a spiritual family, but ‘need’ itself is a sinful word although it seems necessary in the beginning journey. There is no ‘need’, but a wilful choice to learn from each other and to grow together towards the same path of liberation.

To hold up for others, is to continuously take responsibility for what arises in our space, and in the integrity of correcting the errs once made in our perception, others are then free. This again, is only happening within my space and I can never know if it is the same for others.

As the nature of this journey is such – each of its own. How else can it be? And blessed am I, to have Him walk with me.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | 3 Comments »

Secret Conditions

Jan 30th, 2011 by

Last night, while having a discussion about the usage of laptops and computers, a loved one commented that I only used the device to wash my dirty laundry in public, as in journaling about my thoughts in the blog.

Hearing that statement which seems to come from her, I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed and triggered as I felt misunderstood. It is as if, she did not understand the expressions in the blog. As I stayed longer with the feeling, unwilling to brush it away but learn from it, I soon realised that I had expectations of her understanding what I was doing with my life. She knew that I was facilitating workshops, but she seldom asked. She knew that I write, but she seldom reads my blog or even asked me which direction I was coming from. It was as if, as soon as the entry is published and if there was anything personal written such as my experiences and she so happens to read it, it becomes a judgement like – G shouldn’t think that way, G should think more positive, G should not publish this in public and etc etc.  Yes, I could very well make an explanation why I decided to share my personal experiences and etc etc… But that act itself would have been unwholesome although it seems on the outside; I was only standing in my own integrity of what I had chosen to do. When I begin to ‘explain’ as in to ‘make know’ to you or anyone at all my intention, I am already in a subtle mode of attack so to defend myself to keep intact my sense of righteousness. The fact that I need to explain when you were not even seeking an explanation from me already tells me that I feel misunderstood and I need you to understand where I am coming from so that I can be understood, hence remain right. Then, I can go on doing what I do without worrying that you will judge, condemn or not approve of me because as long as you understand, then I’d know that you are on my side anyway… the best part is, I get to keep what I want to do and remain right about it.

The thing is, whether or not she is supportive or understands what I am doing – what has it got to do with me? And what is it in for me?

When I looked deeper within me, I saw all the stories and concepts that I had of her. It was indeed strange… when I saw her just as she was, she was as perfect as she was; but the minute I put her on a pedestal being my someone, all the meanings arose that since she is a specific someone in my life, she should support me of what I do, she should understand what I am doing, she should show interest in what I am dong, she should approve what I am doing, she should not criticise my work, she should not condemn what I love to do and etc etc . All the ‘shoulds’ and ‘should nots’. Poor her! I have encapsulated her into a prison, and the best part is that the person who suffers is me! She was having fun breaking all the ‘rules’ that I had for her! So who was the one really in prison?

And that is what we do all the time… setting conditions and rules for people that seem to have something to do with our lives. The one who gave birth to me, the one who taught me, the one who kisses me, the one who gives me money… Just because it seems to be an act that involves me, it becomes mine. Isn’t that bizarre?

Can we have a dad without a dad? Can we have a mom without a mom? Can we have a lover without a lover? And what I do mean is the meanings and concepts of all the roles that I have mentioned. When we finally begin to lose all those meanings, it is then possible to experience a more fulfilling and loving relationships without having each other to fulfil certain responsibilities that each secretly has of each other?

What brings one to peace, is one’s coming home to him or herself. When it is finally seen what we have done onto others, and ourselves; as in making them responsible for the secret conditions that we have for them; then all that is not needed dissolves anyway.

It is not important that anyone understands or is interested in what we do. What is most important is that we understand and are interested in what we are doing. As what Byron Katie says, “I am the one that I’ve been waiting for. Who else is there?”

And you know another secret, what I understand or am interested in doing, is not even done by me. I am just simply being done!

Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | 2 Comments »

It’s a New Life

Jan 28th, 2011 by

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edwsf-8F3sI]

“Feeling Good” – Michael Buble

birds flying high
you know how i feel
sun in the sky
you know how i feel
breeze driftin’ on by
you know how i feel
it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life
for me

and i’m feeling good
i’m feeling good

fish in the sea
you know how i feel
river running free
you know how i feel
blossom on a tree
you know how i feel
it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life
for me

and i’m feeling good

dragonfly out in the sun
you know what i mean, don’t you know
butterflies all havin’ fun
you know what i mean
sleep in peace when day is done
that’s what i mean
and this old world
is a new world
and a bold world
for me

for me

stars when you shine
you know how i feel
scent of the pine
you know how i feel
oh freedom is mine
and i know how i feel
it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life

it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life

it’s a new dawn
it’s a new day
it’s a new life
it’s a new life
For me
and i’m feeling good

i’m feeling good

i feel so good

i feel so good

Posted in Music/Video | 2 Comments »

What you wish, is what you get

Jan 22nd, 2011 by

Have you ever experienced, when you day dream about something, laugh about it simply contented in the arising feelings with the day dream and in some way, they manifest into reality? You might disagree as the experience may differ from the details of the day dream, but let’s look at the essence of the day dream and the experience. It will be exactly the same unless we are oblivious to the essence of the experience.

I recall a few memories where I merely day dreamed, simply enjoying the experience of the day dream and soon, it manifested into reality as my experience. A vivid experience that I cherished was that I was in Hong Kong, sitting in the subway train where there were multiple advertisements of my idol. I was absolutely crazy about him, and I smiled to myself, daydreaming how nice it would be if I will be able to be in his presence, to talk to him. Each time his picture appeared, my heart just swelled with so much appreciation. Now, I said I day dream that it’d be nice, not really bothered if it’d happen as what are the chances of my being his presence in close proximity when I am hardly one who is active in this field of idol-worshipping/following arena. I don’t know anything about him. I have never met or known him. I only know that I like my idea of him, the qualities that I perceived or imagine he might have, which I am unsure if he really has that. But the thing is, it doesn’t really matter. I was just full of appreciation.

A month later, a friend abruptly called me asked if I would like to attend my idol’s fan club gathering. To be honest, I am not really into all these as what is the point when all others are hovering? But I went to the concert before the gathering anyway, to ‘support’. I was surprised to feel appreciative and contented just to be within the same stadium arena with him as he stepped onto the stage. It is like, instead of experiencing him in the tube, he became alive! I remember feeling so awed about the whole experience. And soon after the concert was the gathering. I sat in a place, not too near and not too far from the place where we were informed that he’d be sitting. So I didn’t think much about being in close proximity with him. Little did I know, when he arrived, he sat right in front of me – almost face to face where I could see and appreciate him clearly within my vision without having to even try. I was just where I wanted to sit, not compromising my own position to be near him and yet he ‘came’ into my awareness, right in front of me. My friend who was with me kept nudging me to ask him questions, talk to him… but I was simply contented being his presence, as if a conversation was not needed. I remember feeling overwhelmed for a few days after that.

What happened in my experience did not equate what I had day dreamed but, the essence was the same – that is, to be in his presence. It was the most wonderful gift I had given to myself. Hence I began to understand that a wish can turn to reality as what we intent is what will come into our space. But if we are hung up with how it will happen, when it will happen, where it will happen, we limit ourselves with all these conditions hence disappointment will be what we experience. The wish was just to be in his presence, and as I let it go, though unconsciously, just appreciating the experience of day dreaming, it manifested into reality without any conditions that I had posted on it. It came to me as a surprise.

My teacher reminded me that what we think, happens; just that we are oblivious to it, not aware of it happening within our awareness hence we go on thinking that it does not happen, it will never happen thus confirming how unworthy we are of receiving. The thing is we receive whatever we think, intent, or wish. Only when it has happened otherwise, then we can investigate the underlying attitude of wanting it. He reminded me, if we need someone or something it implies a lack, hence what we ask will never come as it comes from an intent to fulfil the lack and hence lack is the essence, only calling forth lack as experience. But the wish for experience, simply without conditions, without expectations – as in, whether it happens or not, it does not affect our well-being – the result of it is joy. But when that happens, and because we so enjoy the experience which then results in our clinging on to the experience, which then becomes a need and need implies a lack, you can be sure though consciously that is not what you want, subconsciously that is exactly what you want.

So day dream as much as you wish and see how the universe conspires to bring you what you wish, without conditions. Observe how the manifestation unfolds by enjoying each moment of the journey, instead of focusing on the destination. This is not about wanting or not wanting, as wanting or not wanting already implies a hanging on, a lack of something hence the holding on of another to supplement the lack. It doesn’t work that way.

This is the law of attraction. We can only attract what we are, without conditions.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Posted in Going Inwards | 2 Comments »

Hurt

Jan 20th, 2011 by

If I can believe that no one out there can hurt me how is it that I am afraid to hurt others unless there is something that I am hiding from hence using that as an excuse not to ‘hurt’ another? Yet, how is it possible whether I hurt another or another is hurt by me when it is their own ideas running at the background which is beyond my control?

Each ‘hurt’ is a gift. Yet the act itself with the intention to hurt is unwholesome by itself. A wholesome act, as in action, whether in performing a bodily deed or in speech that comes with the intention to be authentic, honest, truthful or to get real so to speak is where I am getting at. In that space or encounter, if ‘hurt’ was to arise, whether within me or the other is indeed a gift for us each to work on within. Our integrity and willingness to take responsibility for it to make amends, not on the outside but within what is in the mind, is the sword that will cut through the veils of illusion. It is no wonder Byron Katie uses the words ‘I am willing to…’ and ‘I look forward to…’ in the turnarounds process of the Work.

Yet, it is also true to say that the subconscious motivation behind an act will exactly be mirrored back to the sender of the message of its true underlying intentions. As mentioned above, it is not the act itself but the intention behind it.

So say I may go forth to make an expression to my beloved with the intention to be authentic and honest. If my intentions are clear, it will be mirrored back to me by the other party’s acceptance. Yet the words I speak may come with some discretion as not to potentially overwhelming trigger the other party, or more true, trigger in me what I am incapable of handling within myself at that point in time. However, if I was to stand in my truer space of expression as in surrendering and letting go of any form of plan to manipulate what comes out from me with the pure intent of truth, even if it results in the other being triggered or hurt, I will be clear and not be effected by this person’s possible attacks, if any; out of compassion and right understanding.  

At the point where I still possess the fear of hurting you, this guilt itself tells me a lot about myself – how I am relating to you, and not how I am hurting you. If I am being true in my own space, trusting that no one can hurt me, how is it at all possible that I can hurt you? So what is more true, is that I am still seeking your approval, to validate me of what I think I am. What will it speak of me if I hurt you? That I am a terrible person! But I don’t like to be a terrible person, or a selfish person! I like to be a loving person, a selfless person and etc… So I will go on being careful about not hurting you, literally living my life for you so that you are ‘safe’ and ‘happy’ and ‘not hurt’, so that I can go on carrying the delusion of myself secretly, lying to myself as long as you are not hurt, at least not by me.

Then what about the intentions to ‘attack’ or ‘defend’, albeit unconscious? In my observation, I will not be able to perceive myself as being ‘hurt’ or ‘attacked’ unless there is already a hovering guilt at the back of my mind. Take for instance, if a friend was to share something with me about his or her own growth and it was purely out of the joy of sharing, and I on the other hand felt triggered by it with an example of jealousy – as long as I am effected by it, it is only showing me what I had not been truthful about within myself hence becomes my own to resolve. So it is not necessarily that the person is purposefully or unconsciously trying to make me feel jealous as in to ‘attack’ me. My reaction or response to this whole storyline will tell me if it is an attack-defence happening in my mind, or if the attack is really coming from the other.

In my own understanding and experience, it is beyond my control whether I hurt others or not as it is not about me hurting anybody or anybody hurting me. It is the intensity of what is arising in the mind of individuals including myself at that point in time, which is the mark of test. What I mean to say is that if I was to identify with whatever thoughts or feelings that arises within me such as anger, hatred – there can only be two possibilities – which is, that it is either I will hold on to this person who has seeming hurt me to use him as a scapegoat, or use this unpleasant feeling as a gift to free myself from the lies that I secretly believe about myself through inquiry. And this very much depends on one’s attitude and qualities sown throughout the journey.

My teacher is very wise when he shares with me that it is necessary to be conscious in our act so as not to cause hurt to others which reminds me the similarity of other great masters’ teachings. Yet this form of teaching or act is not from fear of hurting others, but out of compassion, having come to the truth of oneself. It is seeing this truth, and coming to peace with it.

That is the grace of wisdom. That is what being humane is all about. We can’t try to be humane or practise humility not even develop these qualities through the practice of trying. It is through inquiry, probing further into the abyss of darkness will truth be revealed and realised.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted in Attitudes, Going Inwards | No Comments »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »